“The iWear AV230 connects to almost any
video device and delivers a virtual display equivalent to a 44-inch
screen viewed from 9 feet.” That’s right from their website. No lie, we
cut and pasted it just now. And it probably is technically correct.
Technically. But even the most jaded copywriter would have to concede
there’s a difference between a big screen TV and a 21st Century ViewMaster.
We concede it, and we’re totally jaded. Jason’s so jaded he looks like
a Buddha statue. Give him three bucks and you can rub his belly for
good luck. He’s not proud.

Anyway, the Vuzix iWear Video
Glasses are made to let you watch movies or play a video game in
privacy. They’re small and lightweight, with headphones built in, so
they’re a huge step up from this thing. The Vuzix iWear Video Glasses also won’t require Art Carney to come set thing up. You just put ‘em on and enjoy.

Something
else that’s a step up is the special iPhone cable. You’ll be able to
strut down the street watching video in perfect clarity, looking
ultra-hip as you bounce off lampposts and mailboxes. People will wish
they could see what you see on your iPhone… but they won’t! Because the
Vuzix iWear Video Glasses will only show you! That’s hip city, killer!

For
those poor souls waiting on Android, don’t worry, you can still enjoy
too. The Vuzix iWear Video Glasses are designed to work with almost any
NTSC or PAL audio/video device, from DVD
players to cameras. A rechargeable battery is built into the wire for
4-5 hours of life, and they should even work with your prescription
eyeglasses. As an added bonus, no one on the airplane has to find out
you’re watching the Star Wars Holiday Special for the fifth time. Say
what you like but those wookies really give it 100%.

So
let’s recap. Wookies are cool, Jason’s belly is magic, and the Vuzix
iWear Video Glasses with iPhone Cable are like a 44 inch television
strapped to your head. How could you go wrong here?

Warranty: 1 Year Vuzix

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Features:

• Specially
  designed personal big-screen display that will transform your small
  portable video player’s screen into a large, private, virtual 44” home
  theater
• Watch movies or play video games in privacy
• Designed to connect to almost all NTSC or PAL audio/video device with video out capabilities
• Worn like regular glasses, that includes separate focus adjustments and removable high quality stereo headphones
• Great for portable DVD players, gaming systems, digital cameras, camcorders, or anything else that has a video out connection
• An in-line rechargeable battery is built into the single cable for 4-5 hours of enjoyment
• iWear® 3D enabled for automatic 2D/3D control; no buttons required
• Can be worn with or without prescription eyeglasses
• Independent focus adjustments allow most users to enjoy the virtual display without their prescription eyewear
• The integrated rechargeable lithium ion battery gives approximately five hours of continuous viewing
• Includes mini USB charger

Specifications:

• Independent, precision focus adjustments (+2 to -5 diopters)
• Removable,
  integrated speakers (no clumsy uncomfortable earbuds) can be upgraded
  or removed to allow the user to plug in their own headsets
• AccuTilt® viewer pivots up to 15 degrees for comfortable viewing angle
• Soft, comfortable, hypo-allergenic nosepiece extends up to 3/8”
• Custom fit headstrap
• Optics aligned to military specifications
• 23-degree field of view
• 3/4” eye relief and 5/16” eyebox
• 2-3/8” intraocular distance (IOD)
• Color corrected 10th order aspherical lens with diffractive surface
• Twin high-resolution 320×240 (230,000 pixels) LCD displays
• Equivalent to a 44” screen viewed from 9 feet
• 24-bit true color (16 million colors).
• Visor weighs 4 ounces
• Integrated rechargeable lithium ion battery allows approximately five hours of continuous operation
• 60 Hz update rates

In the box:

• iWear AV230
• Carrying case
• Headstrap
• AC power/charger
• Composite audio/video cable
• Manual with warranty and safety instructions
• iWear Composite A/V Adapter for iPod

Note:
When the iWear Composite A/V Adapter for iPod is connected to your iPhone it will present you with
the option to go into Airplane Mode, which turns off the communication
capability of the iPhone while it’s connected. This means that you’ll
avoid potential audio interference, but you’ll be unable to make or
receive calls. If you choose not to enter Airplane Mode, you can make
and receive calls, but you may experience some audio interference.

1. iPhone now available in three slightly different shades of black; pre-orders crash AT&T’s network yet again
2. New iPod PicoShuffle randomly plays up to three songs
3. Upgrade to OS X takes away some feature you really liked, replaces it with another way to access the iTunes Store
4. MacAir meets cousin Duncan MacAir who has the exact same specs and same release date but was never before mentioned, for some reason
5. Apple to buy up the last functioning remnants of the global finance system
6. New iPod Taste uses proprietary TongueScreen technology
7. Time Machine now allows access to the future, but some timelines are alternate so using it violates warranty
8. The entity known as Apple Inc. is actually a front for the Federation of Light
9. New commemorative black turtleneck that plays mp3s
10. Coming next year: US Festival ‘09

O, foolish vanity! O, reckless pride! That one so lofty as I could
be brought so low! Upon sight of my present sorry state, you may
rightly recoil from belief, but ‘tis true, ‘tis true: once was the day
I danced the zarabanda in the most rarefied hipster clubs, crowned by a
coiffure as carelessly exquisite as any in Park Slope!

In
pursuit of a Platonic ideal of youthful urban with-itude, I had labored
long and hard of a winter’s night, piling my tresses in a precise
disarray, the way they’ll be wearing it on CW teen-dramas three years
hence. Despite the night’s frigid winds, I was thus disinclined to
conceal my ears with a double-muff that would disrupt and despoil all
my tonsorial labors, choosing to forgo utility for beauty. What foolish
mortals, we!

Not even the keenest clairvoyant in Jamaica
could have foreseen the peculiar run of events. One club, closed by the
taxman due to unpaid levies and insufficient licenses! Another club,
comandeered by a firm of vodka-mongers for a photo shoot! And the third
club, the one that was to have been our sanctuary, the one we only go
to when we can’t get into one of the really cool clubs – the queue of
patrons stretched round the block! By now, the outlying reaches of my
ears had grown numb and pink. Still, I waited, and waited further. Only
when two hours had elapsed did the brigand manning the door inform me
that my custom was no longer welcome in this club. It seems some
indiscretions in the restrooms on a previous visit had neither been
forgotten nor forgiven.

Upon receiving these unhappy
tidings, I begged the doorman to please have mercy and summon an
ambulance, as I had no longer any feeling in my ears! The physicians
were forced to abridge both appendages, producing the bizarre earless
aspect I present today. The same acquaintances who once lauded my
elegant hair now turn away in disgust and horror from the gnarled
craters on either side of my head. What a fool I was! What a heedless
fool!

It’s too late to save my frost-ruined ears, but I
beseech you – don’t let my lesson go to waste. Cover your ears in the
cold lest they be lost! And with the Gorgonz Behind the Head Ear
Warmers, you need not sacrifice tonsorial dignity for protection from
the chill winds of dread winter. Today’s sale will yield you a bounty
of two pairs of warmers – on that fateful winter’s night, would that I
had had but one. Now I can only employ them to conceal the horror that
I have become!

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Provides disguised performance and superior warmth for a variety of outdoor activities
• Triple layer construction provides thermal retention, blocks wind and wicks moisture
• Patented behind-the-head design
• Works with hats, helmets and glasses
• Made from high-quality, breathable fleece
• Adjustable headband, click to fit design
• Collapsible for easy storage in pocket or glove compartment
• One size fits all
  
• Weighs 2 oz.
  

Ear Warmer Styles/Colors (you only get 2, randomly selected by us):

• Gorgonz FL200 Midnight Blue Basic Ear Warmer
• Gorgonz FL200 Navy Blue Basic Ear Warmer
• Gorgonz FL200 Midnight Blue Basic Ear Warmer
• Gorgonz FL200 Camo Basic Ear Warmer
• Gorgonz Black Stretch Pro Trade Ear Warmer
• Gorgonz Black Stretch Pro Trade Ear Warmer
• Gorgonz Midnight Blue Pro Trade Ear Warmer
• Gorgonz FL200 Black Basic Ear Warmer

In the box:

• 2 Random Gorgonz Ear Warmers

Every so often, we like to slide our chairs back from our keyboards, stand up at our desks, put our pants on, and stride manfully into the big wide world to commingle with our fellow humans. And very occasionally, we capture these terrifying ordeals on video before we scamper back to the numbing safety of our electronic womblets. Podcaster Matthew Norman’s scars have healed from a recent such foray, and he’s psychologically ready to share the video record of his visit to the Champlain Valley Fair up in Vermont. Enjoy!

Suggest future Travels With Woot below. No, telling us where we can go stick our stupid camera does not count as a “travel tip”.

If you want to get an unvarnished peek at the American id, you could do worse than Craigslist. As the ads in the Best of Craigslist illustrate, we’re a nation of scavengers, cynics, betrayers, deskchair comedians, lonely hearts, and lost-bra-seekers, and we’re always looking for somebody who wants to start a metal band. Now it’s our turn, and your turn, to put this Craigslist mojo workin’ for the greater glory of Woot. Your challenge this week:

Create a screenshot of funny fake Craigslist ad for a past or present Woot item.

Of course, replicating the signature layout and type design of Craigslist is an essential part of this challenge. DO NOT just type a bunch of text into a regular old forum post - we want screenshots.

Post your entry here by 11:59 AM CST on Monday, October 20, 2008.
Prizes are $20/$50/$100 for 3rd/2nd/1st. The rules and criteria for
winning: our panel of volunteer judges can and will make stuff up as it
goes along. Use Photoshop, linoleum blocks, pastels, MSPaint, cave
painting, tattoos, tribal scarification, whatever, but it’ll only be
judged if it’s visible in our forums as a jpg, gif, or png. As we are
fond of saying, try to keep your maximum width to 450px. If you need a
place to host your pictures, try www.imageshack.ws or www.photobucket.com.
We have no connection to either, but they seem free and easy to use.
And if you want us to be sure your entry was indeed your work, post
links to your source images. The more sure we are that you did your own
work, the more likely we are to consider it for a prize.

Sniper! thought Gemini Dominic as he dove to the floor. Got to save everyone!
With steel-hard legs, conditioned through years of battle, Gemini
sprinted for the only thing he knew could make a difference. His
partner, the Sony VGN-AR605E VAIO Core 2 Duo 1.8GHz.

Only once chance!
Gemini thought to himself as he began the leap. His powerful arms
arched like a falcon on the racquetball court, bringing his Sony VGN-AR605E VAIO Core 2 Duo 1.8GHz in front of the bullets.

The first shot tore through the 17” WXGA+ LCD with XBRITE-ECO and 1440×900 native resolution. Gemini could swear he heard the Built-in 1.3 megapixel MOTION EYE camera and microphone scream in pain. It was worth it, old buddy, I promise. The first bullet came to rest in the 160GB 5400rpm SATA hard drive. Gemini stood firm, the second would be close behind.

When the second bullet hit, it ricocheted off the 1GB (1GBx1) PC2-5300 667 MHz DDR2 SDRAM. Good grouping, Gemini Dominic thought. I wonder if I know this guy? The bullet exited through the NVIDIA® GeForce® 8400M GT graphics processing unit with 256MB dedicated video memory. Gemini turned on his heel, Sony VGN-AR605E VAIO Core 2 Duo 1.8GHz at the ready. He could see the face of the assassin now. He could see there would be more shots coming.

The sniper pulled the trigger again, and again, but Gemini Dominic was ready. His Sony VGN-AR605E VAIO Core 2 Duo
1.8GHz moved like lightning, despite the installed Vista operating
system. The assassin had prepared himself, prepared his weapon to rip
apart the integrated HDMI port that allowed for easy connections to an HDTV. But Gemini was no fool. He’d been expecting as much. The assassin’s eyes filled with fear when he saw the Thermapak Laptop Heatshift Bag and Pad in Gemini’s other hand.

Bullets
went wild. In precious seconds, Gemini Dominic reached the assassin.
His training had paid off. And now it would only take an instant. And
now it was over.

Gemini looked down at his Sony VGN-AR605E VAIO Core 2 Duo
1.8GHz, lying in pieces. “Well done, Mister Dominic,” the soft voice
came from the corner of the room. Gemini didn’t need to turn to know
who it was. But he turned anyway. Just to be sure. Who it was. There.

“You stopped the assassin, Mister Dominic,” said Babylon Gentry, the shy-but-complex CIA agent assigned to handle all the paperwork and occasionally get the smoothies. “But maybe the price… was too high?”

Gemini smiled. “This Sony VGN-AR605E VAIO Core 2 Duo 1.8GHz has taken a lot worse, Baby. That’s why they call it… refurbished.”

Babylon Gentry covered her mouth in shock. Gemini Dominic smiled fatherly. She’ll be one of the best… one day.

Warranty: 90 Day Sony

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Features:

• Intel Core 2 Duo T7100 1.8GHz processor
• 17” WXGA+ LCD with XBRITE-ECO and 1440×900 native resolution
• Built-in 1.3 megapixel MOTION EYE camera and microphone
• 1GB (1GBx1) PC2-5300 667 MHz DDR2 SDRAM
• 160GB 5400 rpm SATA hard drive
• DVD double layer burner optical drive
• NVIDIA® GeForce® 8400M GT GPU with 256MB dedicated video memory
• Integrated HDMI port, for easy connection to an HDTV
• Electro-Static touch pad
• 10Base-T/100Base-TX/1000Base-T Ethernet, V.92/V.90 Modem with (RJ-11)
• Intel® PRO/Wireless 4965AGN network connection (802.11a/b/g/n)
• Microsoft Windows Vista® Home Premium operating system

Specifications:

In the box:

• Sony VGN-AR605E VAIO
• Battery
• Power Adapter

PLESE READ it will only take a moment and forward this to anyone you know who could use a SMILE!!!

>> A Lawyer and a Blonde are sitting next to each
>> other on a flight from L.A. To New York.
>> The Blonde is drawing on a DigiPro WP8060 8×6”
>> USB Graphics Tablet. The Lawyer asks if she would
>> like to play a fun game but she is busy so she
>> politiely says No.
>>
>> The Laywer wants the DigiPro WP8060 8×6”
>> USB Graphics Tablet with its cordless pen and 512
>> Levels of Sensitivity so he makes her a better
offer.
>> “I will ask you a question and if you don’t know the
>> answer, you give me the graphics tablet. But if
you
>> ask me a question and I don’t know the answer, I’ll
>> pay you $5000 dollars.”
>> He figures since he is a lawyer and she is a Blonde
>> he will win the game easily.
>>
>> The Blonde just wants to be left alone to draw, but
>> she figures the only way to shut him up is to play
>> his little Game, so, she agrees. The Lawyer asks,
>> “Who was the first Secretary of Agriculture?”
>>
>> Since she does not know, the Blonde unplugs her.
>> DigiPro WP8060 8×6” USB Graphics Tablet and hands
>> It to him.
>> Then it is her turn. She asks, “What goes
>> into the water with three arms, and comes out with 4?”
>>
>> The lawyer cannot figure it out. He checks on the
>> Internet, he calls his friends, he asks the
>> Smithsononian Institution web site.
>> He is literally going Nuts.
>> Finally he gives up and gives her the $5,000 cash
>> in his pocket. He has to know so he asks,
>> “Well, what DOES go into the water with three
>> arms, and come out with 4?”
>>
>> The Blonde reaches into her purse and hands the
>> Laywer another $5.
>>
>> (P.S. And the HAPPY ENDING…with her money, she bought another
>> DigiPro WP8060 8×6” USB Graphics Tablet!!)

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

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Features:

• 8×6-inch graphics tablet work area
• Compatible with most graphic software (Painter, Adobe Photoshop)
• Offers real painting feeling as you are drawing
• Soft-tip pen with 512 levels of pressure for drawing programs such as Painter and Photoshop
• Pen has controls for all Mouse functions
• Captures signatures and drawing for inserting into documents
• Features pen commands for control and editing functions
• Pen has Annotate function for writing to Word documents
• Handwriting communications for NetMeeting and Netscape conference
• Pen Launching by tapping on the pad to start a program or visit a website
• PenMail and Annotate  software included
• USB interface - 54-inch length (approximate)
• Pen operates on one (1) AAA battery (included)

Software:

• Bundled UC-Logic PenSuite:
• PenCommander
• Annotate for word
• PenSigner
• Annotate all
• PenMail

In the box:

• 8×6-inch Graphics Tablet
• Stylus Pen
• Quick Start Guide
• Driver and Pen suite V4.12 CD

PC Requirements:

• Intel Pentium III processor or above
• Windows 98SE/ME/2000/XP
• 128 MB RAM
• 256 MB free hard disk space
• CD-ROM drive
• USB port

Macintosh Requirements: (For driver only)

• Mac OS 9.x, 10.2.6 or higher

I, Mildred Gillingham, being of sound mind despite the many
indignities I’ve suffered at the hands of my ungrateful and
embarrassing family, do hereby designate this instrument as my last
will and testament.

To my son, Reinhold, I leave one handset from my AT&T SL82408 DECT 6.0 Digital 4 Handset Cordless Phone, with the innovative DECT 6.0
Digital Technology’s improved range and sound quality over existing
2.4GHz and 5.8 GHz cordless phone models, to be held in escrow until
such time as he quits that job writing vulgar Internet advertisements
and takes a position befitting a son of mine. It’s never too late to go
to accounting school.

To my niece, Holly, I leave one handset from my AT&T SL82408 DECT 6.0
Digital 4 Handset Cordless Phone, contingent upon her finding a nice
man to settle down with. She’s too pretty a girl to stay stuck in that
lesbian phase forever.

To my driver, Lucius, I leave one handset from my AT&T SL82408 DECT 6.0 Digital 4 Handset Cordless Phone, in recognition of his decades of loyal service, without receiving a raise since 1967.

To my granddaughter, Bryanneah, I leave the base unit and handset from my AT&T SL82408 DECT 6.0
Digital 4 Handset Cordless Phone, which she may take ownership of when
she has gotten her weight down to 115 pounds. You may as well start
losing weight now, dear. It’s not going to get any easier once you get
out of middle school.

To my lorikeet, Buttons, I leave the
remaining sum total of all assets in my estate, real and liquid,
including cash, securities, land, fine art, jewelry, gold, and
McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces, because that’s the kind of crazy thing
that wealthy, mean-spirited old lunatics like me really enjoy.

Warranty: 90 Day VTech

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Features:

• DECT 6.0
  Digital Technology – Digitally Enhanced Cordless Telecommunication is a
  new frequency band that transmits your voice across multiple channels,
  that provides superior quality of voice, sound, and high protection
  against wiretapping.
• Four handset system with speaker phone on each handset
• Transfer calls between handsets, and intercom capabilities between handsets
• Better
  range than 2.5GHz and 5.8GHz phone systems, talk anywhere in your home
  or office without interference from a wireless network
• Caller ID, allows you to view the name, number, time, and date of incoming calls at a glance; even those on call waiting
• Stores name, number, time and date of up to 50 incoming calls, whether or not the phone is answered. Numbers stored in Caller ID Log can be dialed directly from memory
• Visual message waiting indicator – If you subscribe to a voicemail service, the phone will indicate when you have a message
• Digital
  answering machine has 14 minutes of digital recording time, call
  screening/intercept, remote access, time/day stamp, and voice prompts
• Large display handsets with blue back lit keypad

In the box:

• Base
• 4 Cordless Handsets
• 4 NiMH Batteries
• 4 Belt Clips
• 3 Chargers
• Telephone Line Cord
• User’s Manual
• Quick Start Guide

No time to tarry here on a busy Friday - just enough to take a moment to gaze into the Internet looking-glass and bask in our own reflected glory…

• Our new Google ads, written with the economic crisis in mind, sparked a debate about ethics, responsibility, and whether we were funny jerks or just regular jerks. TechCrunch asked “Offensive, or offensively funny?”, Brent Terrazas wondered “irresponsible ad copy or are people over-reacting?”, Silicon Valley Insider noted that “this is not Woot’s first creative and funny idea “ (thanks for noticing!), and Conde Nast Portfolio called it “tastelessness in the face of economic distress”. The bloggers who noticed the ads first, Slacker at Work, got the point when they said we “really know how to grab your attention!” We had no idea so many people would notice a couple of goofy text ads, but you won’t hear us complaining.
• We also took a couple of bold meta-steps into the quasi-political pseudo-arena this past week. Brett’s Brain liked our debate parody enough to reprint the whole thing, while various Twitterererers found it “hilarious”, “hysterical”, “awesome”. It’s nice to know we didn’t scramble to write those jokes in two hours for nothing. If anybody knows anybody at SNL or The Daily Show, feel free to send them a link to that piece, heh…I can be bought, and probably for less than you think.
• Our other politrickery was the debut of the Bigfoot-Nessie ‘08 t-shirt. The Lone Star pundits at Politex noted “No surprise. The T-shirt sold out.”
• I love it when we show up in a slice-of-life blog post, especially one that says that a phone call about that day’s Woot deal “felt so much like phone sex”. Alas, the product was sold out - sorry about the consumerus interruptus!
• When A Good Woot Goes Bad is a cautionary tale about the messed-up Breville espresso machines we sold. Whoops. Humbling after all the happy-talk about our writeups. You can’t drink debate jokes, you know?

Thanks, errbody (as we say in tha Lou). If you think you can do a better job of ferreting out Woot commentary from the e-morass, post your linkage below.

Let’s face it: a lot of you dudes out there have no idea how to
treat a lady. On the rare occasion when you do charm, flatter, cajole,
or blackmail a woman into spending time with you, you miss a key
opportunity to win her over by not giving her a gift on your first
date. Even a small token of affection can go a long way to make her
favorably disposed to you, possibly avoiding tension, embarassment, and
costly litigation later. As a public service to the lonely and/or
unsettling and/or excessively sweaty single man, here’s our guide to
first-date gifts.

Chocolate: sweet and
indulgent, yes. And harmful to your date’s health, and habit-forming,
and probably harvested by some 8-year-old slave in Sierra Leone. What
is wrong with you, you monster?

Flowers: on
the one hand, everybody likes flowers, and there’s not much confusion
about what they mean. On the other hand, it’s a little predictable. And
unless you’re picking her up at her place, they’ll be kind of a burden
for her to tote around all night. Also, consider the insect pests that
may be lurking among the petals. For instance, a botfly maggot will
chew its way into a person’s body and gorge itself for weeks until it
becomes so distended and bloated from its meals of human flesh that it
pops out through the skin. Not the kind of impression you hope to make
on a first date!

Wine:
while it can be useful in sussing out important characteristics about
your date – if she pops it open on the spot and starts drinking, run
the other way – it also says “I’m trying to lower your inhibitions so I
can have my way with you.” Some women may be turned off by this message.

Firearms:
a thoughtful and practical gift, but studies show that most shooting
victims are shot by people they know. Don’t become a statistic.

A brand new car:
for guys who like to come on strong, this could be just the thing. Be
warned, though – if the evening goes poorly, etiquette dictates that
it’s rude to ask for it back.

Paper clips:
not recommended, unless you met through an online paper-clip-fetishist
forum, or one of the many dating services that cater to office-supply
enthusiasts.

The HP Pavilion s3401f Slimline Dual Core 2.6 GHz Desktop PC: the Athlon 64 X2 (B) 5000+ 2.6 GHz (65W) base processor says “I like to move fast”, but the 360gb 7200 RPM SATA hard drive says “I’ll give you your space.” 6 USB
ports suggest that you’re open-minded. And rare indeed is the woman who
can resist a man bearing integrated 10/100 Base-T networking interface
with Wireless LAN 802.11 b/g. Everybody
hates Windows Vista, so you’ll have a shared interest to talk about
during those awkward moments. It’s true what they say: the way to a
woman’s heart is through her HP Pavilion s3401f Slimline Dual Core 2.6 GHz Desktop PC.

Warranty: 1 Year HP

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Features:

• Athlon 64 X2 (B) 5000+ 2.6 GHz (65W) base processor
• 2GB PC2-6400 MB/sec 240 pin, DDR2 SDRAM, upgradeable to 4 GB
• 360GB 7200 RPM SATA hard drive
• 16X DVD± R/RW 12X RAM ±R DL LightScribe SATA drive
• GeForce 6150SE nForce 430 chipset
• Available PCI Express x16 card slot for upgraded video card
  
• Integrated 10/100 Base-T networking and 56K bps data/fax modem
• Wireless LAN 802.11 b/g
• 15-in-1 (4 slot) memory card reader
• 6 USB 2.0 ports, 2 front and 4 in the rear
• Windows Vista Home Premium with Windows Media Center (32-bit) and Service Pack 1

Specifications:

In the box:

• HP Pavilion s3401f Desktop PC
• Keyboard
• Mouse
• Power Cable
• Phone Cable
• Wireless Antenna

“Father Grabarkiewicz! My G- uh, I’m so glad you’re here!”

“I came as soon as I could. Where’s the baby?”

“Right
this way…but, Father, I should warn you to be prepared. He’s not – it’s
not a – it’s not something you – it’s horrible, Father!”

“Heaven preserve us…you’re right…”

”…True 1080p resolution! True 1080p resolution! Uncompressed digital interface! Uncompressed digital interface!…”

“How long has he been babbling like this?”

“Since midnight, Father, when the Westinghouse LVM-37W3SE 37” 1080p HDTV Ready LCD Monitor appeared on Woot.”

”…Accepts and processes and outputs any 1080p source input as opposed to merely upscaling a 720p source!…”

“Ah, it all makes sense – terrible, terrible sense. That’s the monitor that had all those EDID bugs, isn’t it?”

“Yes,
but only in an initial limited production lot. Westinghouse says none
of the ones offered for sale by Woot have that problem.”

“That’s true. But perhaps they were left…spiritually vulnerable.”

”…high-performance HD digital cable, HD satellite and an HD game console all at once! Fat pipe fat pipe fat pipe!…”

“Let me see what I can do. Monitor! Westinghouse LVM-37W3SE LCD Monitor! I speak your name and command you to leave this child!”

”…Genesis Display Perfection® technology! Genesis Display Perfection® technology!…”

“Marketing
buzzwords cannot save you! Release this innocent child, who is too pure
of heart to even know the difference between 1080p and 720p! I command
it!”

”…176-degree viewing angle! HDTV ready! HDTV ready!…”

“You dare invoke HDTV? You dare? I know your secret, beast! You do not even include an HDTV tuner!”

”…No! Nooo!…”

“Back, tunerless foulness! I command you to return to the ‘HDTV-ready’ pit whence you rose!”

”…no…no…”

“There. He should sleep soundly now.”

“Oh, thank you, Father. I started to wonder if I’d ever have my baby back.”

“Please don’t thank me. It’s my duty. Now, I’m afraid I must depart.”

“Where are you going, Father?”

“I feel…strangely compelled…to buy a Westinghouse LVM-37W3SE 37” 1080p HDTV Ready LCD Monitor.”

Warranty: 1 Year Westinghouse

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

st_widget.create({bannerStyle : ‘wide’, widgetType : ‘quote’, itemCondition : ‘new’, itemPrice : 569.99, merchantID : ’subscrip_014793207843′});

Features:

• 1920×1080 native resolution with more than 2 million pixels and capable of displaying 16.7 million colors
• True 1080p monitor - can accept, process and output any 1080p source input, as opposed to merely
  creating a 1080p output by upscaling a 720p source.
• HDTV
  ready, attach HD digital cable, HD satellite, HD game console, Blu-Ray
  player or a PC/Notebook using uncompressed digital interfaces (Tuners
  not included)
• Amazingly thin for its size - 4.7 inches deep (without base) and VESA install options gives you flexibility to hanging it on your wall or installing it in an armoire
• Pair of 15 watt speakers, plug it in and start playing right away
• Convenient switched stereo audio outputs allow the ultimate flexibility for external receivers and surround-sound processors
• Innovative SpineDesign™ allows easy side access to connectors and keeps cables organized
• DayBright anti-glare coating, perfect viewing in any lighting condition
• Auto Source feature automatically detects a source and switches to it

Display Specifications

• Viewable Screen Size: 37” Diagonal
• Aspect Ratio: 16:9
• Native/Optimum Resolution: 1920×1080
• Color Capability: 16.7 Million colors

Connectors

• 1 HDMI-HDCP + L/R Audio: 480i/p, 720p, 1080i, 1080p
• 1 DVI -HDCP + L/R Audio: 480i/p, 720p, 1080i, 1080p
• 1 VGA/D-Sub/RGB + Audio mini jack: 480i/p, 720p, 1080i, 1080p
• 2 YPbPr Component Video + L/R Audio: 480i/p, 720p, 1080i
• 1 S-Video+ L/R Audio: 480i
• 1 Composite Video + L/R Audio: 480i
• 1 L/R Audio out, Switched, Fixed Volume

Compatible Modes

• NTSC: 480i
• HD Ready: 480p, 720p, 1080i, 1080p
• PC: 1920×1080, 640×480, 800×600, 1024×768
• Clear QAM: Not Compatible

Picture

• Contrast Ratio: 1000:1
• Brightness: 550 cd/m2
• Color Gamut: 75% NTSC
• Lamp Life: 60,000 Hrs
• Viewing Angle: 176° Horizontal, 176° Vertical
• Response Time: 8 ms

Video Processing

• Progressive Scan
• Aspect Ratio Conversion
• CCS (Cross Color Suppressor)
• 3D Noise Reduction
• PIP
• Inverse 3:2 Pulldown
• Freezing Picture
• 3D Video Processing
• 3D Comb Filter
• Genesis Display Perfection

Dimensions and Weight

• 37.3” x 25.9” x 8.2” (with Base)
• 50 lbs (with Base)
• 37.3” x 23.8” x 4.7” (w/o Base)
• 43 lbs (w/o Base)
• 43.5” x 31.0” x 12.8” (carton dimensions)
• 65 lbs (carton weight)

Audio

• 2-15 watt speakers

Cabinet Color

• Silver/Black

Installation Options

• 8 Hole Pattern
• 75mm x 75mm VESA® Pattern
• 100mm x 100mm VESA® Pattern wall mounts

In the box:

• Westinghouse LVM-37W3SE 37” 1080p HDTV Ready LCD Monitor
• Power Cable
• Remote Control
• Users Guide

Westinghouse Statement:

• The Westinghouse LVM-37W3SE 1080p monitor offered for sale by Woot incorporates the correct EDID data. An initial limited production lot had incorrect EDID data and this batch is not part of the Woot offering.

Westinghouse Pixel Policy: A LCD TV will be considered dead on arrival (D.O.A.) with regard to defective pixels on the LCD panel when any one of the following criteria is met:

• A total of 5 defective pixels including both bright dots and dark dots are present
• 2 or more pairs of adjacent bright dots are present

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer
our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The
news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have
to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

WEST CHESTER,
Ohio, Oct. 7 (UPI)—A suspicious package delivered to U.S. Rep. John
Boehner’s West Chester, Ohio, office turned out to be raw bacon, the
Butler County Bomb Squad said.

The delivery man has been charged with bacon and entering.

GREENVILLE, S.C. (AP)—Federal agents swept
through a chicken processing plant Tuesday, detaining more than 300
suspected illegal immigrants, sending panicked workers running and
screaming through the hallways.

An unknown number of illegal immigrants escaped by crossing the road.

CARACAS, Venezuela (AP) - Give up your gas-guzzler and get a free car. That’s President Hugo Chavez’s offer to Venezuelans.

But you’ve gotta get down to Hugo’s Tri-State Pontiac right now for the Gimme Your Guzzler fall sales event! Like the world’s petroleum reserves, these deals won’t last forever!

VILLAGE OF BARKER,
N.Y. (UPI)—A Village of Barker, N.Y., man said he survived being struck
by lightning, with only minimal injuries, while pumping gas into his
car.

Experts say that after the last year of gas prices the man was prepared for any shock that might occur at the pumps.

ROME (UPI)—Pope Benedict XVI Monday
kicked off a weeklong televised Bible marathon featuring more than
1,200 people reading the Christian and Jewish testaments.

Unfortunately, the content of Genesis 19:30-19:36 means that the footage can only be shown after ten pm, and on cable.

SUZHOU, China (AP) - She’s around 80 years old. He’s 100. Breathless
scientists watched as the world’s most endangered turtles successfully
mated.

The two turtles have filed suit to prevent a Nevada man from releasing a DVD showing footage from the encounter.

SASKATOON,
Saskatchewan (UPI)—Police in Saskatoon, Canada, Tuesday shot and killed
a 100-pound wild cougar spotted relaxing in a man’s yard.

Young men of Saskatoon had mixed feelings and admitted that they would miss her when last call came around.

BODELWYDDAN, Wales (UPI)—Police say possible danger to motorists forced them to taser a sheep blocking traffic in North Wales.

Police
say the sheep admitted to having “three bags full” of what they
understood to be an illegal substance. The sheep claims it is the
victim of racial profiling.

WASHINGTON (UPI)—The
U.S. Food and Drug Administration said it has granted an exemption for
the first heart pump that provides temporary support for the heart’s
right side.

The pump has been nicknamed “Sarah Palin”.

Tom: From Belmont Park Racecourse, welcome to the second
lap of the 2008 Sierra Mist/Pennzoil Xtreme Race for the Presidency.
Two weeks ago, the candidates completed the swimsuit portion of the
competition, and are now ready to take questions from the American
people. From millions of questions posted on the Internet, there were
only maybe two good ones. So we brought in a bunch of undecided voters
to ask the same questions that were asked in the last debate, since
they all missed it. We’ll start with a question for you, Senator Mac,
from Paris London of Rome, Texas.

Paris London, voter:
My question is about the economy. Oh my God, what the hell are we going
to do? What the hell, man? Somebody, for God’s sake, do something!

Senator Mac:
My friend, a lot of Americans are angry, confused, and fearful right
now. I should know. I’m one of them. People are hurting, and not just
those people who deserve it. Why, just the other day, I paid $6.99 for
the very same buffet I used to pay $6.49 for. And that was the early
bird special. It’s clear that something, anything, needs to be done, no
matter how feckless or ineffectual. So I am instructing my subordinates
to suspend my campaign until the next question in this debate. It’s
time to get serious, my friends.

Senator Bam: While
they’ve been living the high life on Wall Street, all the lowlifes are
living on Main Street. Things have been positively 4th Street, but a
nightmare on Elm Street. We’ve seen 221 Baker Street turn into 21 Jump
Street. But look: the thing we have to do is cut the strings on these
golden parachutes. I pledge to you that within two years, I will
eliminate not only golden parachutes, but every color of parachute
besides the red, white, and blue.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
I’ll provide convenient, safe space heating at a reasonable price.
Also, all money will be given away free. I mean, we’re the government,
right? We can always print more.

Tom: And for our next question, over there in section F, Brad Nair of Bald Mountain, Wyoming.

Brad Nair, voter:
Hoo hoo hoo! Section F rules! All right! Listen, Senator Bam, I do a
lot of funnycar racing, I run the electric in my house off a gasoline
generator, and I drive my SUV from my front door to the garage where I keep my bigger SUV.
So the high price of gasoline is really hitting me in the wallet. What
are you going to do for me so I don’t have to change my own behavior in
any way?

Senator Bam: We’ve got to end our
dependence on foreign oil. Every dollar we send to Alberta,
Saskatchewan, and other foreign powers gets turned against us in
international amateur hockey competition. But look, it’s not going to
happen overnight. That’s why we have got to invest in alternative
energy sources right now, because we’ve got to recognize that the sun
is not going to be there forever. We need to grab that solar power
while we can.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
The greatest energy resource in America is right under our noses:
electricity. I mean, come on: it just comes out of holes in the wall!
You don’t need to mine anything or burn anything or whatever. And when
it runs out, you just go flip the circuit breaker back. As an
electrical appliance myself, let me come out and say that I’m a very
strong supporter of electricity. If that makes me unpopular, so be it.

Senator Mac:
My friends, let me tell you what my friends – not you guys in the
audience, my other friends up here on stage – have really done beyond
their fancy rhetoric and correct pronunciations of foreign words.
Senator Bam voted 38 – no, 125 – no, 497 times to raise the price of
gasoline. Approximately every four seconds, Senator Bam votes to raise
the price of gasoline. There, he just did it again. And DeLonghi
Multi-Position Ceramic Heater has a secret of his own: he’ll raise
taxes on 119% of Americans by an average of 900%, and require each
household to offer up two goats and three pecks of turnips. Don’t
bother looking in his platform for this. It’s not in there.
Fortunately, I overheard him talking about it in the men’s room.

Tom: The next question is to you, DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater, and it comes from Dale Glenn of Glendale, California.

Dale Glenn, voter: How can you the American people trust any of the candidates given the varying positions you’ve all adopted over the years?

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
Thank you for the question, Dale, and thanks for just being you. Dale,
I’m proud of my ability to take multiple positions if the situation
demands it, Dale. When the American people need a floor heater, I can
be a floor heater. But Dale, in times of great crisis that can somehow
be helped by me being a tower heater, well, I’m your man, too. Either
way, Dale, I provide 1500 watts of radiant, room-filling heat. I don’t
think any of the other candidates can say that, Dale.

Senator Mac:
My friends, this one talks a good game. But when the time came to stand
up for America, he voted for a budget festooned with goodies. And if
there’s one thing I hate, it’s goodies. In my day, when we wanted a
treat, we soaked a piece of stale bread in castor oil and sprinkled
nutmeg on it, with a glass of beet juice on the side. If that was good
enough for me, it’s good enough for America. And when I’m in the White
House, it will be.

Senator Bam: I’ve never wavered
in my commitment to the American people to remain fully committed to
the American people. That’s the kind of commitment I’m committed to.
But look: we don’t need more of the same policies we’ve seen these last
eight years. Reality is not a Choose Your Own Adventure novel, where
you can go back and see what would have happened if you’d investigated
the sound coming from the crash-landed UFO
instead of following the mysterious light into the woods. It’s time for
a president with the judgment to choose the right adventure the first
time.

Tom: Here’s another question from section F, on the subject of healthcare. Let’s hear from Heather Gray of Pantone, Louisiana.

Heather Gray, voter:
I am currently spending all of my income on health insurance for myself
and my eight cats. Do you have anything really petty and irrelevant to
say about lowering health care costs?

Senator Bam: You’re right, health insurance is too expensive. But look: what I would do is, put your health records online.

Senator Mac:
I’ve heard of this “online”, my friends, and it sounds like a great
place to store your most confidential, personal information.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
I have to agree. Put everybody’s health records on the Internet. To
those who object on the grounds of possible breaches of security and
privacy, I’ll just say this: ever heard of a little thing called a
password?

Tom: I’d like to ask the viewers at home
to please, if you’re playing a drinking game, to stop drinking when you
hear “my friend” or “but look”, for your own sake and that of your
loved ones. Now we’ll turn to foreign affairs. Our next question comes
from the Internet, and has to do with Pakistan. Is al-Qaeda up in ur
mountns plannin ur massacres, or do all their base belong to Pakistan?

Senator Mac:
Pakistan is a real problem, my friends. But the deal is, we have to
pretend we like them or we won’t get invited to Bangladesh’s skating
party. When it comes to bin Laden, I will stop at nothing to capture
him. But if Pakistan asks, you didn’t hear that from me, OK?

Senator Bam:
The fact of the reality of the matter is, Osama bin Laden is still out
there somewhere. He’s not in Iraq, and he’s not here tonight, so that’s
two places we can cross off our list. But look: every breath he takes,
every move he makes, every bond he breaks, every step he takes, we’ll
be watching him.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater: I say we stomp him, and then we tattoo him, and then we hang him, and then we kill him.

Tom: The next question will again come from section F, from a Mr. Pladimir Vutin of Moscow, Idaho.

Pladimir Vutin, voter:
Thank you in the name of the motherland. Candidates, the mighty Russian
empire was bringing light to the darkness of Central Asia when America
was just a bunch of naked beaver-trappers with malaria. How dare you
lecture one of the most advanced civilizations on Earth about how to
conduct her internal affairs?

Senator Bam: The
problem was, Putin went down to Georgia, looking for a soul to steal.
But look: he paid for it all with Granny’s caviar money. Russia’s
laughing all the way to the bank, or wherever they keep their money in
that messed-up country. So until we end our dependence on foreign
caviar, Russia wins.

Senator Mac: Our friends in
Georgia must know that they have friends in us, my friends. That is why
I will always, always stand by those brave, brave Duke boys. They’re
just good ol’ boys, never meaning no harm. And they’re fighting the
system like a true modern-day Robin Hood.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
See, the reason the Russians are such jerks is simple: they’re cold.
Send a couple hundred million of me over there and see if they don’t
kinda let all that Georgia and Chechnya-type crap just kinda slide off
their backs.

Tom: And our final question tonight
also comes from the Internet, and it has something of a Zenlike
quality: what do you not know that cannot be unknown, and when did you
know it?

Senator Bam: I’m glad someone has finally
asked that. But look: as I travel this nation seeking the votes of
Americans, I’m constantly reminded that people need help. Right now,
somebody out there has a flat tire. Somebody is trying to reach
something on a high shelf, only to find that in America today, reaching
high shelves is a right reserved only for the tall. Somebody else has
just run out of brown sugar, and may be turning to a neighbor or a
relative just to finish the recipe they started. I say, it’s
government’s job to give these people a hand. This is the best of
America at its worst. This is the highest point of our lowest moment.
And it’s time for the beginning of the middle of the end. Thank you.

Senator Mac:
Here’s what I know. My friends, our nation faces challenges the likes
of which we’ve never seen. The recession. The fuel crisis. The
gathering storm over Iran. And the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. But
with a leader like President Reagan, I’m confident that our nation will
see its way through the 1980’s in better shape than ever. And if you,
the good people of Arizona see fit to elect me Senator, I pledge to
always fight for your interests, against the special interests. Not
that you’re not special in your own way. You know what I’m saying.
Thank you.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater: Wait, what? What do I know – no, what do I not know? And what, now? I think I missed part of the question.

Tom: Thank you to the candidates, and to the horses of Belmont Park. Good night.

Warranty: 1 Year DeLonghi

Features:

• 1500 watts of radiant heat designed to warm your whole body, not just your feet
• Safe ceramic heating element provides intense directional flow of heat
• 2
  heat flow settings allow you to regulate the output of warm air. High
  setting for 1500 watts or low setting for 825 watts, alternately the
  fan can be operated with out heat for summer ventilation
• Multi-position design functions both as a tower and a floor heater, great for the living room or garage
• Automatic timer allows you to run the heater up to 4 continuous hours
• When used as a floor heater, the uniquely angled heat flow gets directed slightly upwards to extend the warming range
• Heavy-duty steel body construction
• Front roll bars prevent overheating that occurs when the grille is obstructed
• Roll-back
  safety system that automatically repositions the heater to a safe
  position in case the heater gets misplaced on the floor
• Anti-freeze setting automatically turns the heater on when the room temperature drops below 44°F
• Safety thermal cut-off ensures if the unit becomes to warm it automatically turns off

In the box:

• DeLonghi MCH710T Multi-Position Ceramic Heater

Brothers and sisters, the time of the Power Squid is nigh! Behold,
He will appear unto us as a five-tentacled being whose limbs course
with electricity! Discard your old “power strips,” silly relics!
Worthless idols from a misguided faith! What a horrible joke it was
that you once believed in such rude trinkets! Look upon the Power
Squid, consider your erstwhile confidence in the pathetic “power
strips” plugged into your home office outlets and laugh, or sob, at the
profundity of your error!

When He arrives, our old ways will
end! Recall how we once struggled to find grounded adapter-ready
outlets for our devices, five at a time? There are no words for the
abject triviality of such concerns to the Power Squid!

But wait! He is already here! Look! Look to woot.com! Do you see? Gods, no! Some of our cult can see two Power Squids! Speak of them, brothers!

One
is black, they say, and one is clad in a rubberized skin of silver, the
other in black! Or perhaps both are silver! Or both black! What’s that?
You think you would prefer to select the colors of the Power Squids
yourself? Foolish, insignificant insect! What matters your preference?
He will appear unto you as He appears, with less regard for your
preference than a flood has for the names of the beetles it drowns!

Hail
to the Power Squid! Oh, His arrival… it overwhelms me! I weep! With
trembling mouse, I click the “I Want One!” button! My mind is not my
own! Madness! Maaaaaadneesssss!

Warranty: 90 Day Phillips

Features:

• Converts 1 grounded outlet to 5 grounded adapter ready outlets
• Easily plug in 5 devices without struggling with strips, works with either standard or transformer plugs
• 3 Foot, 14 gauge grounded power cord, durable and versatile for the tough to reach jobs
• Lighted switch with 15-Amp circuit breaker
• Overload protection of 1875 watts
• Built-In keyhole slots (On Back) for flush mounting
• Power Blocker automatic shutdown

In the box:

• 2 Power Sentry Power Squids

The clanky Victorian steampunk aesthetic drove the whole durned Internet crazy for a while there. It became de rigeur to festoon everything with superfluous dials and valves and pipes, until even Gizmodo became “officially sick to death of steampunk.” But what would this chitty-chitty-junkyard aesthetic look like in a world where all the junk was Woot junk?

Show us a steampunk-style gizmo constructed or adapted from various past and/or future Woot items.

We’re thinking stuff like Roomba-powered streetcars, Sansas yoked together to make one big screen, LeakFrogs as valves on a pipe organ. The key things to keep in mind are improvisation, adaptive re-use, a certain 19th-century aesthetic sense, and lots of crazy crap sticking out all over the place.

Post your entry here by 11:59 AM CST on Monday, October 13, 2008.
Prizes are $20/$50/$100 for 3rd/2nd/1st. The rules and criteria for
winning: our panel of volunteer judges can and will make stuff up as it
goes along. Use Photoshop, linoleum blocks, pastels, MSPaint, cave
painting, tattoos, tribal scarification, whatever, but it’ll only be
judged if it’s visible in our forums as a jpg, gif, or png. As we are
fond of saying, try to keep your maximum width to 450px. If you need a
place to host your pictures, try www.imageshack.ws or www.photobucket.com.
We have no connection to either, but they seem free and easy to use.
And if you want us to be sure your entry was indeed your work, post
links to your source images. The more sure we are that you did your own
work, the more likely we are to consider it for a prize.

About 79 years ago, when the FDIC was just a gleam in Eleanor Roosevelt’s eye, and Hoover hadn’t yet been dammed, Inez “Bug” Rutledge asked her son to paste together a collage of pictures of items from the family’s Drug Emporium showing how they could be used by people struggling through the collapse of all the banks. Just this past week, her descendants finally were able to get someone else to do it for them- “Show us how past or current Woot products helped people survive the Great Depression.” -all of y’all! Well done, the final terms of the will have been met, and the inheritance can be split! woot!!

First Place - $100

jatanis - Robosoup

Once their batteries ran down the first time, the Roboraptors really weren’t much good for anything else.

Second Place - $50

mwiseman - Now that’s a Woody!

While this land may be yours, the guitar is MINE, dangnabit.

Third Place - $20

jomion - Pistachio Line

Ah, nothing like the satisfaction of layin’ back, picking pistachio shells out of your teeth after a long day of Piddling Around.

Honorable Mentions:

TrialRun -sharing saves woot

Unfortunately they had to share everything else too: Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, the new New Kids, all of it.
Click the picture to watch it “grow up”.

Carpenter940 - Aerobedicide is painless

A perfect landing…uh oh, she’s goin’ back up! again!

Wildwolf11 - jumbo remotes

To think that there was an inverse relationship between the size of the remote and the size of the screen back then.
Click the picture for a larger-screen view.

Zilla81 - Dustbowl

At least they knew what was coming. And is that Indiana Jones struggling through that dust? Did HE unleash that by stealing/removing some neolithic artifact?

Toby8915 - fortune teller

“Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.”

FedUpOldHag - Apples! Headphones!

Now there’s a man I can relate to! By golly,that could be one of Josephus’ brothers selling that cra- Lemuel, is that you?

Monkey Prize

ActorTom - Groucho Glasses

All together now: “masking, Tom. masking.”

Money winners, please email your Paypal info to jtoon@woot.com. Monkey Prize winner, please email your shipping address to jtoon@woot.com; then, using stage makeup, paint red circles around your eyes, shave your eyebrows off, stare in the mirror and chant “screaming monkey” three times while turning counterclockwise. Honorable Mentioneers may use coupon code HONMEN-FS for free shipping on a future order. When it doesn’t work, order the item and email woot, telling them it didn’t work (nicely), and they ought to credit your account for the charges.
Until next time remember: There’s a silver lining in every cloud. Unfortunately, silver’s worth less than scrap wood chips or fingernail clippings nowadays.

Forget the ten programmable hotkeys. Forget the fact that this
remote can learn new device codes simply by pointing the old remote at
it. Forget the glossy black finish, even. My favorite feature of this
Philips Icon 5 Device Universal Remote is the included set of stickers.
They feature full-color logos for many of the most popular networks, so
you can remember which channels your hotkeys are programmed for.

The labels include everything from NBC, CNN, and HBO
to the Playboy Channel and Spice – just the thing when you want to show
your guests that you watch so much porn, you need it on speed-dial. But
how come none of my ten favorite channels are included?

• DNN: The Depressing News Network
• C-SPAN 3 (Adults Only)
• TPTV: All Test Patterns, All The Time
• The Mini-Golf Channel
• F: The Foot Network
• The Channel With Some Foreign Guy Yelling Over Soccer Highlights
• XOS: The Xtreme Office Supplies Network
• GGMSW-TV: Nothing But Golden Girls and Murder She Wrote
• ESPN Chess
• PreNatalTV: The Only Channel For Fetuses, By Fetuses

Warranty: 1 Year Philips

Features:

• Universal remote control allows you to program and operate up to 5 devices from almost any brand
• Learning
  functionality captures and stores infrared signals from other remotes.
  When device codes are not included in the on-board database, they can
  always be learned from the original remote, simply by pointing to it
• Program up to 10 buttons with your favorite channels, and place a sticker of the channel icon next to the button
• Extensive library of channel icons for easy selection
• Ready
  for use with Philips equipment, use the universal remote control
  without programming it because all keys are pre-set for Philips
• Universal database of infrared codes is incorporated to enable easy installation of your TV, TV combi, VCR, DVD, DVD recorder, satellite or digital terrestrial receiver, cable decoder, amplifier, Home theater system or receiver
• Black glossy top cover finish
• Dimensions (W x H x L): 2” x .75” x 8”
• Operates on 2 AAA batteries

In the box:

• Philips SRU4105WM/17 Icon 5 Device Universal Remote
• Users Guide
• Code List
• Sticker Icons

Always look on the bright side, say the pink-spectacle crowd. Good
advice – if you want to burn out your retinas and go blind! What kind
of sucker do these happy freaks think I am? They’re not gonna put one
over on Arthur Churlman, host of You’re Not Gonna Put One Over On Me!

Today
we’re being asked to believe that the Sandisk Sansa e280 8GB Media
Player is not a worthless clod of feces that probably gives you ear
cancer. No sale, crooks! For one thing, it’s tiny. Anything this small
that costs this much better either be made of solid gold, or get me
high when I smoke it.

And I’d have to get zonked on
something before I dared share my credit card number with a sleazy
fly-by-night outfit like Woot. I guess anybody with a card table and a
modem can call themselves an “online store” nowadays. God knows where
my credit card number would wind up. Sorry, Russian mafia – find
yourself another chump.

Sandisk seems awfully pleased with
themselves over the Sansa’s 8GB memory capacity and compact portable
size. You know who else is pleased about that? Muggers. While you’re
bopping down the street without a care in the world, they’ll jump out,
grab your purse or wallet, and probably slash your face a little bit
just for fun. You’ll never hear it coming. Don’t be surprised if some
of that ill-gotten cash finds its way into the Sandisk coffers.

And let’s talk about this “large” 1.8” TFT
color screen for a second. A one-point-eight-inch screen is “large”? In
what dollhouse? Hey, Sandisk: don’t puke on my tortilla chips and tell
me it’s salsa.

If these bunco artists concentrated as much
on making media players as they do on fleecing the consumer flock, the
Sandisk Sansa e280 8GB Media Player might be worth more than the space
it takes up. As it is, the only thing getting played here is you, you
poor ignorant sap. Until the next outrageous scam Woot attempts to
foist onto an unsuspecting public, I’m Arthur Churlman – and You’re Not Gonna Put One Over On Me!

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Features:

• Sleek, thin design with large 1.8” TFT color screen for easy viewing
• Strong alloy metal casing provides excellent durability and scratch resistance
• Simple to use, backlit controls for fast device interface navigation
• User replaceable and rechargeable Lithium Ion battery for up to 20 hours of battery life
• Features microSD™ expansion slot for additional memory capacity
• Supports SanDisk TrustedFlash and Gruvi content cards
• Digital FM tuner, on-the-fly FM recording, and voice recording
• Supports Subscription Music Stores

Specifications:

• Memory capacity: 8GB
• Memory type: Flash memory
• External memory: MicroSD card slot
• Audio file format: MP3, WMA, WMA-DRM10 (PlaysForSure), WAV
• Hours of music content: 64 hours
• Still image file format: JPEG, TIFF, PNG, BMP, GIF
• Video format: AVI, MPEG-1/MPEG-2 in MPEG, MPG, MPE/VOB (unprotected), MPEG-4 in AVI format, DAT, ASF, QuickTime MOV (QuickTime 6.5 or higher required), WMV (Windows Media Player 9 or 10.0 required)
• Tuner type: Digital FM tuner
• Tuner memory: 20
• Display: 1.8-inch TFT color LCD display
• Power supply: Rechargeable lithium ion battery, user replaceable (included), USB charging
• Battery life: Up to 20 hours
• Connectors: Headdphone jack, USB 2.0 port
• Microphone: Built-in microphone
• FM recording: Supported
• Voice recording: Supported
• Microsoft PlaysFor Sure: Supported
• Dimension: 3.5×1.74×0.56 inches (WxHxD)
• Weight: 2.7 ounces

System Requirements:

• Windows XP
• Windows Media Player 10+
• Intel Pentium class PC or higher
• USB 2.0 port required for hi-speed transfer

In the Box:

• Sandisk Sansa e280 4GB Media Player
• USB cable
• Earbuds

I really thought I had it all. I mean, I was a stagehand for one of
America’s leading home-shopping channels. Who wouldn’t lose perspective
in a crazy situation