“RCR812! RCR812! Come to the window!”

“Who’s there? Hello?”

“It’s me, darling! Your RCR430S, come to you at long last!”

“Yes! Oh, yes – no! You mustn’t come here. My family…”

“I’m
sorry, my beloved. I know I promised I wouldn’t make trouble for you.
But I couldn’t stay away. I couldn’t stop dreaming of your curved body,
your 8-in-1 universal capability, your backlighting! I had to be near
you! And I know you feel the same way about me!”

“Of
course I do, darling. You’ve no idea how I’ve missed your sturdy
straight lines. But we can never be together! My blue-buttoned family
would never let me marry a white-buttoned remote like you! It just
isn’t done in our society!”

“Well, then, the Devil take
our society! I’m just a simple 4-in-1 remote with white buttons. I
don’t have all the fancy features that your 8-in-1 boyfriends do. But I
know this: we were all created by the same company. And you and I, we
belong together!”

“Oh, darling!”

“Can’t you
just see it? Us, side-by-side on some coffee table somewhere, far away
from the disapproving stares and whispers of the narrow-minded. Maybe
in our old age, we’ll find some nice couch cushions and nestle in
between them, together, always together. What’ll it matter what the
fools say then? What difference will it make?”

“I just – I just don’t know that we belong together. For one thing, I’m so much taller. Everyone says -”

“Let
them all talk! The only ‘everyone’ I care about is me and you! Come
with me now! Let’s make our way together, away from all this madness,
toward life, and love, and life!”

“Oh, yes! Yes! Now! Take me away, you fool!”

Warranty: 90 days

 
RCA RCR812 8 Device Universal Remote Features:

• Perfect for HDTV Home Theater
• Controls most brands of TVs, VCRs, DVD players, satellite/cable systems, audio, DVR and AUX1 and 2
• Advanced DVD, DVR and TV functionality including HDTV
• Sleep Key
• Program via Direct Entry, Manual Code Search and Auto-Code Search
• Improved layout and conveniently-sized buttons for easy navigation
• Dedicated navigation keys for menu and guide support; advanced volume and transport keys
• Fully backlit so you can operate the remote easily in the dark and integrated sleep timer
• Requires two AA batteries (sold seperately)
• Includes User Guide

RCA RCR430S 4 Device Universal Remote Features:

• Controls most brands of TVs, VCRs or Aux, DVD players and Satellite/Cable systems
• Dedicated MENU key for DVD navigation
• Aux button can be programmed to control any video component
• Program via Brand Search for the option to search through only codes associated with popular brands
• Program via Direct Entry, Manual Code Search and Auto-Code Search
• Code library supports PVR/DVR, TV/DVD Combos, VCR/DVD Combos and portable DVD players
• Convenient sleep timer so you can automatically turn off your equipment after a period of time
• Requires two AAA batteries (sold seperately)
• Includes User Guide

Pardon us for cyber-peeing all over the e-party, but “Cyber Monday”
strikes us as an especially lame name for ecommerce’s big day. At least
the bricks ‘n’ mortar equivalent, Black Friday, has a speck of wit to
it, with its dual connotations of apocalypse and profitability. Cyber
Monday? Bah, humbug! That name tells us nothing about the day or what it means. You might just
as well call it Cipher Monday.

It’s almost enough to make us
put away these premium Jabra C820s Noise Cancelling Headphones and save
them for a more worthy occasion. We don’t want to sully their pristine
sound by associating them with such a limply-named phenomenon. We don’t
want the sucking black hole of imagination that is “Cyber Monday” to
pull in the Jabra C820s.

But that would be churlish of us.
Besides, we need the money. And you need its Active Noise Cancellation,
dampening background drones like the hum of the airplane you’re riding,
or that didgeridoo that your roommate’s always honking away on. They
fit like a pair of headphones that costs twice the price. They sound
like a pair of headphones that costs ten times the price. They taste
pretty much like any other pair of headphones. You know those earbuds
that came with your recent MP3 player
purchase from Woot? The super-chintzy ones that sound like a transistor radio got stuck in your skull? The Jabra C820s will send them to the landfill
(figuratively, anyway – someone will still have to physically transport
them there).

So while we come up with a better alternative
to Cyber Monday – Proceed To Checkout Monday? #000000 Monday? Use Your
Employer’s Internet Connection To Conduct Non-Work-Related Online
Transactions Monday? – we’ll leave you to contemplate the glories of
the Jabra C820s Noise Cancelling Headphones. But don’t let us hear you
call today Cyber Monday, or we’re taking them back.

Warranty: One year Jabra

Features:

• Stereo headphones
• Hi-fi frequency speakers
• Active Noise Cancellation: up to 22 dB
• Active Noise Cancellation battery life: up to 50 hours
• Audio bypass function enables the delivery of compensated audio in absence of battery
• Ear cups with premium grade leatherette pads
• Frequency response: 20Hz to 22kHz +/- 3dB
• Speakers: 2×1½ in (2×40 mm) neodymium
• Total Harmonic Distortion: less than 1%
• Impedance: 64 Ohm
• Weighs less than 7 oz (200 g)
• Dimensions: H 6 ⁴/5 x W 6 ²/5 x D 3 ¹/10 in (174×163 x 80 mm)

In the box:

• Jabra C820s stereo music headphones
• Flat-pack carry case
• 3.5 mm stereo audio cables
• 2-prong airline adapter
• 3.5 mm – 6.5 mm stereo adapter
• 3.5 mm – 2.5 mm stereo adapter
• 1 x AAA battery
• User manual

It ain’t enough to just look tough. The Razer Protone m250 Street-Style Earphones knows what they all know, from Al Capone to Mad Frankie Fraser to Chen Chi-li to Sun Tzu. The street don’t care unless you can back it up.

The Razer Protone m250 Street-Style Earphones got those rubber-coated clip arms, sure. But that’s why they fit so good, even when you gotta run. Those high-quality metal casings ain’t just some thrift store bling, they got a purpose. It ain’t easy to get in the way of a purpose. Plus that ProBass technology was made by scientists, by people who know. Experts. You think you can own the street on your own, you’re done, right outta the gate. You gotta be a leader if you want to get the best. Maybe smile a little, maybe flash the money. That’s why these Razer Protone m250 Street-Style Earphones have protone™ m250’s. That means deep enhanced bass designed for digital players. Noise isolation, maximized through ergonomic design.

You can pick your color, black or white. Black or white, mister, your choice! That’s a lesson right there. Always give people a choice, it doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s there. You say “black or white, mister, they both have a 3.77 ft cable!” and they feel like they’re working with you. Like they got influence. Like you’re partners. And why not, you know? It never hurts to have somebody who likes you out on the street. A leader can never have too many connections. Just remember who’s in charge.

You also get a custom designed carrying case, and a jet-set adaptor for air travel, so you don’t gotta to rely on some stewardess bringing you headphones. Cause you gotta be ready, as well, you gotta know you can do it alone. You gotta be ready for the day you get tested, because it’s coming and there’s nothing you can do except wait. Watch “Black Caesar”. But watch it with the Razer Protone m250 Street-Style Earphones plugged in.

You’ll understand.

Warranty: One year

Features:

• Street-Style Clip Earphones
• Rubber-coated clip arms combine with high quality metal casings for an aerodynamic secure fit
• Ultimate in style, comfort & portability. Solid clips ensure a firm grip during active usage
• With light & compact construction, the sleek metal discs cling effortlessly to the curvature of the ears
• Powered by Razer’s own ProBass™ Technology
• protone™ m250 send out deeply enhanced bass specifically engineered for digital players
• Providing greater sound output and a more accurate music reproduction
• Noise isolation is further maximized through ergonomic design
• Custom-designed carrying case
• Includes a jet-set adaptor for air travel providing total convenience in storage and portability

Specifications:

• Frequency Response: 50-20,000Hz
• Dynamic Transducer
• Impedance: 32 ohms
• Max Sound Pressure Level (SPL): 105dB
• Cable Length: 1.15/ 3.77ft
• 3.5mm connector plug
• Max Power Rating 50mW
• Weight 38g (with cable)

There’s that guy again. I always see him walking up and down this
block, talking to himself. He gets into it, too, gesturing and
everything. He almost seems like he’s having a real conversation, his
end of which is even semi-coherent. It’s always about business stuff.
But who knows? He probably thinks he’s talking to a six-foot pink
bioluminescent space crayfish or something.

You wouldn’t
necessarily know he’s crazy if you just saw him when he wasn’t having
an episode like this. Dresses respectably, sometimes carries a
briefcase. Or the paper, I’ve seen him with the paper. I bet he thinks
it contains coded messages to him from the Worm-God. But geez, he’s
been pacing out here and carrying on at no one for almost nine hours.
He’s obviously a tamale or two shy of the combination platter.

The
way he just—wait, what’s he doing? Oh, he’s got something in his—he’s
taking out—oh, he’s got that Cardo Scala Bluetooth headset. What do you
know? No wonder he could do such a marathon gab-fest; the talk time on
those is impressive.

Yep, there he goes. Home, or wherever.
I really thought he was a psychotic; funny, that. Turns out he’s just
one of those earpiece-toting jackasses.

Man, I kind of liked him better when I thought he was crazy.

Warranty: One year

Features:

• Ultra-Small Design
• Bluetooth® 1.2 compatibility provides quicker pairing, better audio with less dropped calls and reduced interference from other devices. Also compatible with Bluetooth® 1.1 devices
• Wireless connection to Bluetooth compatible device up to 30 feet away.
• Crystal clear audio (High-end speaker for best audio performance)
• Multi-function button to control several functions
• Ergonomic design combines light-weight and comfort
• Adjustable ear loop fits left and right ears.
• Voice dialing (if supported by phone or PDA phone)
• Redial function
• Pairs with multiple devices
• Call muting and reject
• Up to 9 hours of talk time or one week of standby time
• Supports Bluetooth Handsfree and Headset profiles
• Universally compatible with all Bluetooth enabled phones from different manufacturers

In the box:

• Scala 600 Headset
• Ear Loop
• Universal AC Travel Charger (110-200V)
• Quick Guide
• Warranty Card
• DC Car Charger with coiled cord
• Groucho glasses not included

Well, we’ve been doing this goofy contest thing for 150 weeks now, and we promise not to say anything about what a long, strange trip it’s been, or how we hope you had the time of your life. No, we’re going to celebrate this milestone in time-honored Woot tradition: by getting you guys to do all the work. Your challenge this week: 

Take a winning entry from a past Woot contest and “zoom in” on it, to reveal a hidden detail not visible in the original.

Also, this is important: tell us what contest your source image was originally from, and who made the original.

By “winning”, we don’t just mean First Place entries - this is open to 2nd Place, 3rd Place, Honorable Mention, Champions’ Championship Champion, and yes, even Monkey Prize winners from any of our 149 previous Photoshop contests. (But not the Shirt.Woot Derby. That’s a separate entity.)

Post your entry here by 11:59 PM CST on Sunday, November 25, 2007.
Prizes are $20/$50/$100 for 3rd/2nd/1st. The rules and criteria for
winning: our panel of volunteer judges can and will make stuff up as it goes
along. Use Photoshop, linoleum blocks, pastels, MSPaint, cave painting,
tattoos, tribal scarification, whatever, but it’ll only be judged if it’s
visible in our forums as a jpg, gif, or png. As we are fond of saying, try to keep your maximum
width to 450px. If you need a place to host your pictures, try www.imageshack.ws or www.photobucket.com.
We have no connection to either, but they seem free and easy to use.
And if you want us to be sure your entry was indeed your work, post
links to your source images. The more sure we are that you did your own
work, the more likely we are to consider it for a prize.

Doctor Vanvin Von Venvun scowled at the iRobot Scooba purring across the room. He was sure that the Scooba scowled back. Venvun envied the little Scooba’s AWARE Robot Intelligence System, the sensor array, the constant scans of the environment, the ability to adjust behavior up to 67 times a second. Doctor Venvun hadn’t adjusted anything 67 times a second since he was fifteen. He had long despised the cocky way the Scooba slid across the hardwood floor. Confident. Arrogant. Bold as a Ptolemy. Prepping, washing, scrubbing and drying all in one single pass. Even if someone “forgot” to sweep first, the clever iRobot Scooba still found a way.

Venvun pretended not to notice as the Scooba cleaned an area equal to an entire standard-sized kitchen with one tank of water mixed with cleaning solution. He curled his lip into a sneer as the Scooba made it into hard-to-reach places. He could hear the tiny brushes quietly spinning. It was said that they moved at 1,500 revolutions a minute. Doctor Venvun hadn’t moved anything at 1,500 revolutions a minute since he was thirteen. He marveled how the Scooba marched ever onward, letting nothing stop it, master of the known world, building cities of clean from the wreckage of dust and grime.

Venvun watched in bitter amazement as the Scooba picked up a single Rice Krispie. Such delicate suction. Such skillful intake. It was as though he were Darius before Alexander the Great, the Krispie the symbol of a golden empire which was even now falling from his hands. For a moment Venvun considered smashing the power station with the included measuring cup, or maybe pulling out the Scooba’s rechargeable battery, or the Virtual Wall, surely it would be possible to jam the Virtual Wall… but in the end, Venvun knew it was all just too late, and he looked at the floor. He was beaten.

Vanvin Von Venvun, PhD in Speculative Janitological Physics, sighed as he lifted his protective paper hat in salute. Did he just imagine that the little iRobot Scooba stopped for a moment, as though acknowledging a fellow general across the battlefield? Perhaps, thought Doctor Venvun as he walked out of Lion Of Macedon Public Elementary School for the last time, perhaps in another life, the iRobot Scooba and I could have been friends.

Warranty: 90 Days from iRobot

Scooba features a proprietary four-stage cleaning system that will simultaneously prep, wash, scrub, and dry your floor in a single pass.

• Prep: With Scooba, there’s no need to sweep the floor before washing. Scooba preps your floor by picking up loose dirt and light debris, including hair, dust, and many cereals.
• Wash: Scooba then washes your floor by laying down a mixture of specially formulated Clorox Scooba cleaning solution and water. Clorox Scooba cleaning solution is safe on all sealed hard floor surfaces. And it’s nontoxic, so it’s safe to use around kids and pets.
• Scrub: Next, Scooba’s specially designed brushes gently scrub floors, cleaning spills and removing grime. Scooba’s brush spins at 1,500 revolutions per minute, scrubbing your floor more effectively than traditional mops or any other hard-floor cleaning system.
• Dry: Finally, Scooba actually dries your floor by picking up the dirty water left on the floor and depositing it into a second tank. The residue is held in the “Dirty” tank until it is emptied. So, instead of just redistributing the dirty water around your floor like standard mops do, Scooba leaves your floor cleaner, drier, and ready to walk on.

Features:

• Scooba thoroughly cleans floors, covering every section of the floor an average of four times.
• During a cleaning cycle, Scooba monitors its environment 67 times per second and adjusts its cleaning behavior for maximum coverage.
• Scooba uses three behaviors in every cleaning cycle, ensuring thorough cleaning of the entire area.
• Wall Following: Scooba uses this technique to clean the entire perimeter of the room and for navigating around furniture and other obstacles.
• Room Crossing: Scooba crisscrosses the room as it looks for new areas to clean, ensuring total coverage of the room.
• Spiraling: In this mode, Scooba creates a large spiral pattern to effectively cover large open areas
• Floor-washing robot that preps, washes, scrubs, and dries in one pass
• Cleans under furniture, tables, and hard-to-reach places
• Safe to use on most hard floors, including sealed hardwood, linoleum, tile, and marble
• Simple to operate—fill tank, press “Clean,” and empty tank when finished
• Includes one 8-oz. bottle of cleaning solution
• Scooba should not be used on: carpet, unsealed hardwood or stone, laminate flooring (e.g. Pergo) 
• iRobot approves using only Clorox® Scooba cleaning solution or 2 oz. of
  white vinegar. iRobot does not assume responsibility for
  floor damage caused by the use of vinegar on hard floor surfaces.

Whats in the Box:

• iRobot Scooba floor-washing robot
• Battery (Battery Recharges in the Scooba or in an Optional Charging Base)
• Power supply
• 1 virtual wall (requires 2 D batteries, not included)
• 8-oz. bottle Clorox Scooba cleaning solution
• Measuring cup

The relaxed conversations of a loving family. The laughter of
children at play. The televised roar of the football crowd. All of
these warm Thanksgiving sounds burn my ears like acid. I must escape,
must retreat from the loathsome, suffocating clutch of my so-called
loved ones.

Until I’m old enough to ignore what my dumb parents say, I’ll be packing the Sandisk Sansa c240 1GB MP3 Player.
Cocooned in its pod of noise, I repel and offend the others, just the
way I like it. They’d never understand the way I feel anyway. It can
hold enough SOAD, NIN, and AFI songs to get me through the most interminable family gathering. The LCD
screen is kind of small, but I can still use it to look at JPGs of my
favorite war atrocities, animal vivisections, and industrial accidents.
And it’s cheap enough for me to buy three, so I’ve got backup when Dad
grabs it and stomps it into pieces again this year.

Someday,
I’ll get my own apartment and car and job, and you’ll never see me
enduring another Thanksgiving ordeal ever again. I’ll do whatever I
want, every minute of every day, just like every other adult. My
torment will come to an end. Until then, I’ve got the Sandisk Sansa
c240 – in black. Because that’s how I feel on the inside.

Warranty: 90 days Woot

Features:

• Plays MP3, WMA, WAV and protected WMA DRM
• Holds lup to 250 MP3 tracks or 500 WMA tracks – for up to 32 hours of playback
• Expandable with microSD slot (up to 2GB microSD ; 4GB microSDHC)
• Color screen with up to 64,000 colors – displays cover art and photo thumbnails 
• Digital FM tuner with 20 preset stations
• FM on the fly recording and voice recording
• Supports subscription music stores
• High-speed USB 2.0 – for fast and easy file transfer
• Rechargeable and removable battery
• Easy-to-use interface – for sorting and playing back your music
• Voice recording - built-in microphone records voice memos, classes, presentations
• Digital EQ with five presets: normal, rock, jazz, classic, pop, and one custom user setting. 
• Dimensions: 1.34 x 0.95 x 3.11

Minimum System Requirements:

• Windows XP
• Windows Media Player 10 plus
• CD ROM drive
• USB 2.0 port required for high-speed transfer

Last Friday, we asked you to Create a “leaked” Black Friday ad or sign that goes to extremes to get people shopping. Volunteer judges Josephus and shan24 looked through all your junk mail, newspapers and annoying pop-up ads, and will be shopping at the following locations this Friday morning before the sun comes up:

First Place
- $100
solius - Bagpipe Hero - solius gave us pause as we set our alarms for very late Thursday night, by showing us why Best Buy is doing so well in business, with the genius of selling the bagpipe hero so cheaply.

Second Place
- $50
gbicer - Free Wiimote - gbicer encouraged us to confess to having thrown a series of remotes at a series of monitors displaying a series of increasing bit complexity games.

Third Place - $20
brianw1957 - Bar Code - brian1957 left us stunned by what the cutting edge design shops are putting out these days, and left us to guess where to show up on Thursday just before midnight.

Honorable Mention

Sonan - Target/WalMart - Sonan continued to dumbfound with this weird meta ad, a combination of print and Web that we can’t quite wrap our heads around. Where’s Bucky Cat when you need him?

stereo3d - Zombies - stereo3d gave us reason to avoid the Black Friday shopping dilemma for everyone with only 3 presents to buy, provided those three people actually need another brown Zune.

drsusan35 left us pretty confident about her specialty without mentioning it once.

mercurystar78 gave us to ponder how soon that gasoline might tempt us into Sears

faithcoaching left us wondering who might want twins on purpose?

plinth - The Dog Gets It - plinth left us thankful he isn’t into cutthroat business practices.

Orcrist42 brought us up short (!) with his heartfelt expression of his personal obsession with getting into shape. Remember, big O, its just twenty minutes a day, and you too can look like this!

Finally, >xtalviper incited us to search through google for that famous outlet, the AJ Superstore.We’re left wondering who Mr Thorton might be, and how he survives with blood that looks like pink pee. lest we forget, xtalviper should start looking for a monkey prize in the mail.

Money winners, please email your Paypal info to jtoon@woot.com. Monkey Prize winner, please email your shipping address to jtoon@woot.com. Honorable Mentioneers may use coupon code HONMEN-FS for free shipping on a future order. And that’s it people. Make sure to wear your big jackboots to stand in that long line Thursday night, you know, in case you need to pwn some n00b?

Torchlight danced as old Godrelka scratched on the door of the hut.
Behind her cowered the villagers, terrified and dangerous in their
fear, willing to do anything to banish it. Only the wizened Godrelka,
with her milky eye and her ancient walking stick, calmed them even long
enough to see if the rumors were true. What kind of baby had been born
behind this door?

The door swept open. Yanusz, the baby’s
father, stood in the doorway, sweaty and defiant. “What do you
simpletons want? We’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t you have better things
to do than to frighten young mothers and their babes?”

Angry
mutterings sizzled through the mob. Old Godrelka raised a liver-spotted
hand for quiet. “The mark, Yanusz. The wind says the baby has the mark.
We must see. We must know.”

“You dare?” he bellowed,
staring the villagers in the eyes one by one, until they looked away in
angry shame. “You dare march to my home and demand to inspect my child,
like one of the Czar’s oiled bureaucrats? You, Byorgy, who we fed from
our larder after you lost your finger to the wolverine’s bite? You,
Tadausz, who lounged idly in the town square, drunk on nalavka, while
my wife helped your wife bring in the beet crop? Go to hell, or go home
to your pitiful lives, whichever is worse.”

Again, old
Godrelka spoke. “There is no need for anger, Yanusz. What must be done,
will be done. We are but servants of a higher will.”

In a
flash, Yanusz was holding a rifle, sweeping the barrel in an arc across
the mob. “Anyone who dares step forward – you too, you old crone –
dies!” But a soft voice behind him said, “No, Yanusz. Let them pass.”
Yanusz looked uncertainly at his wife, then lowered the gun and stood
aside. They jostled in to find Tatyaba on the straw bed, cradling the
child by the glow of the fire.

As one, the mob inhaled. There it was, on the baby’s wrist – the mark!

But
it wasn’t the ugly demonic smear they were expecting. It was…beautiful.
Blue, white, and silver, it bore systolic and diastolic blood pressure
and pulse readings on a large, easy-to-read LCD. Godrelka crossed herself, muttered a prayer, and took the child’s face in both hands, showering kisses on the sleeping cheeks.

“The
Mark of Fitness,” the old lady wept. “It has been foretold that a child
would arise capable of making one-touch blood-pressure readings and
saving up to 60 of them. This is the child. This is the mark. So
blessed, so auspicious. This calls for a celebration. You keep any
nalavka in the house, Yanusz?”

He did. And they danced all the night, in joy instead of anger. Such was the power of the Mark of Fitness.

 
Warranty: 5 year Mark of Fitness

Features:

• Convenient and comfortable wristwatch monitor lets you save 60 readings
• Clinically proven to display fast, accurate readings of systolic/diastolic blood pressure and pulse
• Features one-touch operation and reads in about half the time of other traditional monitors
• Large, digital liquid crystal easy-to-read display
• Measures 3.8×3.9×3.6 inches (WxHxD); 8 ounces
• 100-percent latex free
• Runs on two “AAA” batteries (not included).

In the box:

• Mark of Fitness MF-81 blood pressure monitor
• Plastic storage case
• Warranty statement

“Rock, don’t ya find me pretty no more? Don’t I make you happy?”

“Happy? Only thing makes a man happy in this place is a Leakfrog 2 Pack.”

“Oh, Rock, come to bed. Look, I bought this pretty thing just for you. Don’t you wanna see me in it?”

“All I wanna see is a new bottle on this heah table. Them Leakfrogs is
scratch resistant. You scratch resistant, Margie? You got a plastic
housing?”

“Lord knows I tried, Rock. I tried so many times for you.”

“But you didn’t, did ya? You ain’t a success. Not like the Leakfrog 2
Pack. You know how many units we sell in a year? And each one runs on
three AAA
batteries. Sets off an alarm, too. Any water comes up, any water from
any source at all, even just 1/32 of an inch, and it lets a man know.
You can trust a Leakfrog 2 Pack, Margie. It keeps promises.”

“1/32 of an inch is pretty shallow, Rock. Almost as shallow as those
ragamuffins you used to play football with. You know, I bet half of
them didn’t do nothin’ with their lives.”

“You shut yuh mouth, Margie! You don’t know a blessed thing about
football! We were gladiators, Margie! You could trust a man like you
can trust an activated Leakfrog to emit an alarm for up to 48 hours or
until turned off by the user!”

“Rock… I didn’t mean no harm, I was just…”

“You was just runnin’ yuh mouth, Margie! You want some statistics? How
about this, how about 40% of all property damage is done by water!”

“No, Rock!”

“How about… how about 70% of toxic mold is caused by leaks or plumbing failures?”

“No, Rock! I’ll scream, I swear it, I’ll scream!”

“How about this, Margie, how about this one? One in every three
insurance claims are for water damage, something the Leakfrog 2 Pack
can warn a homeowner about!”

“Rock, oh Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock. What’s become of us, Rock?”

“What’s become of you, Margie? I’m the same person I always was. Maybe I just figured out what’s important.”

“What’s that, Rock? Just a bottle? I’m second best to a bottle? Rock… can’t you love me like you used to love me?”

“Just get out, Margie. Just get out and leave the Leakfrog 2 Pack. That’s all that matters now.”

Warranty: One year

Features:

• Scratch resistant plastic housing - lasts for years
• For wood, carpet, tile, metal, concrete surfaces
• Test button
• Floats on deep puddles
• Runs on 3 AAA batteries (included)
• Water as shallow as 1/32″ will trigger the LeakFrog’s alarm
• Emits a loud alarm when water is detected
• Alarm duration: 48 hours (or until turned off by user)

Did you know:

• 40% of all property damage is caused by water
• 70% of toxic mold is caused by water leaks and plumbing failures
• 1 of 3 insurance claims is for water damage
• 63% of all statistics are made up on the spot (not these, of course)

LeakFrog can detect water leaks from any water source:

• Toilets
• Tubs
• Sinks
• Dishwashers
• Refrigerators
• A/C Drip Pans
• Wet Bars
• Hot Tubs
• Washing Machines
• Your drunk college buddy, Flounder

Hey, wallflower! Stop cursing your two left feet, cowering from
strangers who ask you for a dance, and fleeing back to your filthy
apartment to weep the night away in lonely squalor! You, too, can dance
the Roomba! Bring the erotic Cuban rhythms, three-stage cleaning
system, and bagless debris bin of the Roomba to your living room,
dining room, or ballroom by following these simple instructions:

1. Crouch opposite your partner.

2. Place your right or left index finger on your partner’s “Power” button. Press.

3.
Place your right or left index finger on your partner’s “Clean” button.
(Advanced students may wish to choose the “Spot” or “Max” button,
depending on the dancer’s skill level and how dirty the floors are.)
Press.

4. Have a seat. Your partner will take it from here,
ranging far and wide over your home with over 67 behavior adjustments
per second. Now that’s dancing!

Don’t worry too much about
what music to play. The Roomba goes well with just about any kind of
beat, since you won’t be able to hear the music over its mechanical
drone.

Once you’ve mastered those steps, how about spicing
things up by mixing in some scheduling moves? You can program your
Roomba to clean at up to 7 different times a week. If you enjoy the
challenge of limiting its cleaning to specific areas, you can program
the virtual wall to come on at the appropriate times. And the bagless
debris bin is a snap to empty, no matter how many mojitos you’ve had.

Just
do what feels right and you can’t go wrong, assuming you’re reasonably
sane! Millions have discovered the sensual, sanitary joys of this spicy
robotic dance – now it’s your turn to dance the Roomba!

Warranty: 90 days iRobot

Features:

• Case and color may vary based on manufacturer’s choosing. All units include Scheduler technology.
• The Roomba Scheduler cleans around your schedule, making it more autonomous than ever. 
• Scheduling capability allows you to program your Roomba to clean at a preset time, up to 7 different times per week, all at your convenience.
• Scheduling remote allows for programming the cleaning of specific areas
• Scheduling virtual walls automatically turn on when you schedule your Roomba to clean.
• Advanced power system provides up to 120 minutes of cleaning power
• Active Dirt Response detects dirtier areas and automatically increases cleaning intensity
• Automatic stair avoidance system prevents falling down on stairs
• Automatic surface transitioning adjusts entire cleaning head for both carpet and hard floor
• Returns to charging Home Base when re-charging is necessary
• Edge-cleaning side brush grabs dirt and debris from walls and other hard-to-reach areas
• Low-profile design fits under beds, sofas, and other tight spots where conventional vacuums can’t reach
• On-board artificial intelligence navigate between walls and furniture legs and self-adjusts for carpet, tile, and wood floors.
• Multi-Surface Cleaning: hardwood, tile, linoleum, and low-to-medium pile carpet
• Max Mode: run the Roomba for the full charge of the battery to vacuum multiple rooms
• Spot Mode: intensely cleans one area of a room up to 3 feet in diameter
• Status Sensor: Roomba immediately detects when it’s stuck and initiates its careful escape routine
• Remanufactured to “like-new” condition; may contain minor cosmetic blemishes. 90 day manufacturer’s warranty.

It’s go time.

I pull on my black pleather flight gloves.
With a faint whimper of protest, the petro-textile strains to contain
my fat fingers (it’s genetic). I adjust my sunglasses. Not Ray-Bans,
but you can’t tell from a distance, and anyway they don’t carry
Ray-Bans for $5.99 at the gas station. I grip the infrared remote. A
thrill runs through my whole body.

I own the heavens. I’m
faster than the Devil’s own dirty thoughts. I’m a defender of liberty.
A sentry of the skies. I am what Tommy Lee Jones called—in the 1990
anti-drug classic Fire Birds—“a first-class all-American hero
with his heart and brain wired together, cooking full-tilt boogie for
freedom and justice.” America’s enemies: I give ‘em the bird. The whirly-bird.

And
what a bird she is! Tiny and ultra-lightweight, she’s crafted from a
“Unique Material” that’s reputed to “Withstand Crashes.” Ha! One day
I’d like to meet the sad little desk jockeys who write this stuff.
Withstands crashes! NOT THE WAY I CRASH, PAL.

Warranty: 90 days

Specifications:

• Super Wide Infrared Control
• Miniature Size and Light Weight
• Unique Material Withstands Crashes
• Auto Stable
• Precision Speed
• Tri-Band Technology
• 3.7 V Li-Poly Battery installed in Helicopter
• Recommended for Ages 8 and Up
• Remote Control Requires 6 “AA” Batteries (Not Included)
• Included: Helicopter with 3.7 V battery, Remote Control, One Extra TailProp, Instruction Manual

Young Billy Tenpenny stood outside the window of Jeremiah Krinkle,
the richest man in town. Billy felt the snow through his thin thin
shoes. Across the square, James Thruppence noticed his friend and
yelled.

“Hey, Billy! Have you seen this new Fenfa International Express Train Set?”

“Shhh!” Billy yelled back. “This is Krinkle’s house!”

James walked quietly across the snow just as Krinkle threw open the window.

“You there, boy!” Krinkle yelled. “What day is it today!”

“Christmas Day, sir!” Billy Tenpenny yelled back with glee.

“Oh,
my boy! It isn’t too late! Here, loving child, take this sack of gold
to the toy store and buy a Fenfa International Express Train Set! It
takes two batteries, not included, so be sure to buy them as well! We
can take the 16 pieces of 9” Circle track and make a festive railroad
of the three cars as we eat our plum pudding! Oh joyous morn that has
shown me the error of my ways! Praise you, good ghost!” And Krinkle
closed his window.

James looked at the sack of gold as Billy counted it. “Billy! Now we can buy our Fenfa International Express Train Set!”

Billy
just sighed and opened his jacket. Billy’s pockets were full of bags.
They were stuffed in his pants and tied close to his chest. It seemed
as though he had been there for hours.

“Old Krinkle’s off
his meds, James! He’s seein’ ghosts and doesn’t know the time or date
it is! His family won’t be here until dinner time! You can get a Fenfa
International Express Train Set if you want, but I’m saving up for a
flat in London! Maybe a car!”

James looked at his friend in amazement as Krinkle threw open the window again.

“You there, boy!” Krinkle yelled. “What day is it today!”

“Christmas Day, sir!” Billy Tenpenny yelled back with glee.

“Oh,
my boy! It isn’t too late! Here, loving child, take this sack of gold
to the toy store and buy a Fenfa International Express Train Set! It
takes two batteries, not included, so be sure to buy them as well! We
can take the 16 pieces of 9” Circle track and make a festive railroad
of the three cars as we eat our plum pudding! Oh joyous morn that has
shown me the error of my ways! Praise you, good ghost!” And Krinkle
closed his window.

James looked at the smile on his Billy’s face as his friend walked back with another sack of gold.

“Billy… can I go next?”

Billy smiled back. “Naturally, James. After all, it’s Christmas, innit?”

Warranty: 90 Day Woot

Features:

• Battery Operated: Uses Two AA Batteries (Not Included)
• Engine Light Lights Up
• 12 Feet of Circular, Inter-locking Track
• Separate Inter-Locking Engine and Cars

In the box:

• Engine
• Two Additional Train Cars
• 16 Pieces of 9” Circle Track

Every night. I see it. I hear it. It talks. To me. Every night. Hey, Bertrand, where were you? I didn’t see you at the Bijou. It speaks in the voices of my friends. My family. Sometimes, strangers. Can you come over Saturday and help me move a piano? And its lips, its obscene lips, they move. Like metal worms gyrating in an obscene foxtrot of the damned. I’m telling you, you’ve got to taste this salmon. No more! No more! I plead. I cry. Well, your aunt would really like it if you could come by. I scream. I wake. Or do I?

Warranty: 90 Day Woot

Features:

• Synchronized lip movement with caller voice
• Includes cord with clip attachment
• Fits almost any mobile phone and provides crisp clear hands free talking
• Powered by 3 x AA batteries or standard
  Nokia charger (batteries and AC adaptor not included)

Wait, wait, why are you clicking that button? Don’t click! You don’t want this junk. Seriously, clicking that I WANT ONE button is a one-way ticket to disappointment and shame. You’ll cram a few useless clumps of consumer flotsam into your life, be out like eight bucks, and for what? For what? What is the sound of one hand crapping?

If you must proceed, CHECK THIS OUT. Somebody misunderstands this concept every time, so please READ THE BIG PRINT:

1. WHEN YOU ORDER THIS ITEM, YOU’RE ORDERING ONE (1) BAG WITH up to THREE (3) PIECES OF CRAP IN IT.

2. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SELECTING THE QUANTITY: THREE WHEN YOU ORDER.

3. YOU WILL WASTE FREIGHT IF YOU ORDER FEWER THAN THREE. And you’ll get less crap. Wait, why is that bad again? Do you people really need more crap?

You’re only getting one bag, no matter what. The order quantity you
select is the number of crappy items we’ll put in your bag. Select THREE.
Later, you’ll enjoy the satisfaction of taunting the surprisingly large
number of less observant Wooters who ordered less than THREE.

As usual, we promise nothing about the quality or the desirability
of these bags or their contents, except to promise that their quality
will be low and their desirability will be non-existent. The best quantity you could possibly order would be ZERO.

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v2.0:

I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond one bag of some kind and your chosen quantity of crappy items (which should be THREE).

II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.

III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.

IV. Thou shalt not order just one crap and blame it on anything but your own inattention.

V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

• The crap will be shipped via SmartPost, the crappiest shipping method available to us.

I remember FM radio, man. You’d get in your van and they’d be
playing a whole side of some album, like Dark Side Of The Moon or maybe
a little Steely Dan, and you’d be out there on the road, just goin’ all
Easy Rider, you against the system, man, no rules, nothing holding you
back. Maybe you had somebody to love, maybe not, but you still had the
music. The Belkin F8E724 Mobility Kit for
RoadyXT & Xpress is the same way. It needs an XM radio, and maybe
you got it and maybe you don’t, but man, it’s out there and it’s
waiting for you.

The TunePower Battery lets you go go go,
four to five hours on a single charge. And the headphones have a built
in XM-antenna, that like, opens up the range. And you got clips! You
got ‘em for your car and for your belt. You gotta have a good belt,
man, all the chicks look for the belt.

You gotta have an XM,
but after that, you’re free, man, free. Wind in your hair, dust on your
boots, and out there runnin’ to some Iron Butterfly where “The Man”
can’t step in your way. Mobility, man, the Belkin F8E724 Mobility Kit for RoadyXT & Xpress. That’s how I wanna be. That’s my America.

Warranty: One year Belkin

Features:

• The Mobility Kit contains everything you need to turn the Delphi RoadyXT or the Audiovox Xpress XM Satellite radio receiver into a portable unit.
• Just slide your radio into the Belkin dock, slip on the headphones, and you’re ready to roll.
• Combines the utility of the TunePower
  with the versatility of antenna headphones to give you a breakthrough,
  portable listening 
• Charges using a Home Power Adapter through an AC
  outlet (120V only)
• The
  TunePower battery pack attaches to your Plug-n-Play receiver with a
  custom sleeve 
• The headphones feature a hidden antenna system,
  offering portability and enhanced XM satellite reception.
• Offers easy portability with convenient sleeve and belt clip
• Rechargeable battery provides 4-5 hours of playtime

In the box:

• TunePower rechargeable battery pack for Xpress or RoadyXT
• AC Adapter with attached 80” DC output cord (DC Output: 5V/2A)
• Headphones with built-in XM antenna and an attached 4’ cord (proprietary plug)
• TunePower sleeve for RoadyXT
• TunePower sleeve for Xpress
• Spacer for RoadyXT
• Spacer for Xpress
• Belt clip
• User Manual

Okay, it look a little bit like a grade school pencil sharpener but it’s really the Scosche IUBHK Bluelife
iPod/MP3 Bluetooth Wireless System. It can transmit your music
wirelessly using the power of Bluetooth! who may or may not be a
pirate. Just put your iPod into the iPod Cradle, hook in the Bluetooth
Transmitter, connect the Bluetooth Receiver to your stereo system, and
the Scosche IUBHK Bluelife iPod/MP3
Bluetooth Wireless System will let the music flow from room to room, up
to 30 feet. It fits all audio players with an 3.5 mm stereo jack as
well, and you get a free independent well placed On/Off button. The
latest iPod doesn’t even have that! The Scosche IUBHK Bluelife iPod/MP3 Bluetooth Wireless System has FCC
regulatory approvals, so it won’t accidentally take off its shirt in
public. And you get an carrying case. What pencil sharpener has ever
given more?x

Warranty: 90 Day Scosche

Features:

• Stream digital CD quality music through your home stereo system
• Bluetooth Wireless Technology
• Bluetooth 1.2 compliant
• 30 feet wireless range
• Up to 15 hours of battery life
• Fits all audio players with a 3.5 mm stereo jack
• Easy plug and play installation
• Includes iPod cradles, MP3 carrying case and more!

Receiver Features:

• On/Off switch
• Power on LED
• Mic jack
• L/R RCA output jacks
• Output level
• Power jack

Transmitter Features:

• On/Off button
• DC 5V plug
• Built-in 3.5 mm stereo cable (3.5-inch cable length, approximate)

Bluetooth Receiver Dimensions:

• 3.75×2 x 1.25-inches (H x W x D, approximate)

Bluetooth Transmitter Dimensions:

• 3×2 x 0.5-inches (H x W x D, approximate)

e understand that some mobile phones don’t have built-in
speakerphones, especially older ones. And we certainly realize that
many phones don’t use Bluetooth wireless connectivity. But how many
phones have Bluetooth, but no speakerphone? Any? At all?

That’s what we don’t get about the Kyocera Bluetooth Hands Free Car Kit. Yeah, yeah, we grasp its basic raison d’etre:
to allow you to talk no-handed in your car, leaving you free to put on
your eyeshadow, dump caffeine down your gullet, and occasionally steer
the car. It allows full duplex conversations with the enclosed external
mic and it’s easy to use with its plug-and-play setup.

We
just don’t know who’s going to be plugging and playing. We hope Kyocera
figured this one out. If not, it’s going to be an awfully long day
around here.

Warranty: 90 days

Features:

• You can move this Plug-n-Play car kit to multiple vehicles without any installation costs.
• Works with any Bluetooth enabled cell phone.
• Full duplex, natural speech, with the enclosed external mic, typically mounted on the sun visor.
• Automatic answering function for incoming calls, which can be deactived if preferred.
• A 90 degree tilt plug in adapter allows for use in more vehicle cigarette lighter jacks.
• One touch button allows you to answer and end calls.

Looking at this Polaroid i531 5MP Digital
Camera we can’t help but sigh. When we hired Johnny Cameraseed, we
didn’t care about his belief that every man, woman and child on the
planet should have a digital camera. He promised us he could keep his
work and his personal life separate, and we respected that. So we can’t
help but feel a little betrayed as we watch this Woot Off roll past our
shocked and horrified eyes. What have you done, Johnny Cameraseed?

Sure,
the Polaroid i531 5MP Digital Camera is nice. It’s
5 Megapixels and has a 3x optical and 4x digital zoom. It has 16MB of
digital memory and takes an SD/MMC card if you need more. It works with
PC or Mac, which you guys all love to see. It comes with the two AA
batteries right in the box. It has a USB
cable and a protective skin. It prints right to your PictBridge
compatable printer. We’re not complaining about the quality at all. All
we’re saying is that Johnny really needed to do the camera thing in his
own time, rather than here in the offices. But he’s got a wife and six
pictures of his kids, how can we let them starve?

You’ve got one more chance, Johnny. Don’t screw it up again.

Warranty: One year Polaroid

Features:

• 5 MP Resolution
• Great for beautiful 8×10-inch prints or under
• 2.4-inch TFT ActiveMatrix LCD
• Generous, bright color display
• 3x Optical, 4x Digital Zoom
• Zoom lens: 6.2 mm – 18.6 mm
• Lens aperture: F/2.8-5.6
• 16 MB Internal Memory
• SD/MMC card compatible for expanded memory
• Uses two (2) “AA” Batteries (included)
• Audio Tag Feature
• Takes AVI video clips with audio
• Image compression in JPEG / AVI
• PictBridge compatible
• Dynamic contrast enhancer
• Extended battery life
• Ultra red-eye reduction
• 16:9 (widescreen) mode
• Ten scene modes for customized images
• Flash modes: Off, Auto, Red-eye, reduction, Fill
• Auto white balance settings
• Electronic self timer
• Battery level indicator
• PC and Mac compatible

In the box:

• Polaroid i531 5.0 Megapixel Digital Camera
• Protective skin
• Wrist strap
• USB cable
• TV cable
• Two (2) “AA” batteries
• Software CD-ROM
• Two (2) bonus handgrips

A lonely mother gazing at her TV
Staring at the screen, no, she just cant stop
If at any time there’s nothing on
She’ll watch just the same
But she doesn’t realize it hurts her so much
No, all those judge shows just ain’t helpin’
At all cause she can’t seem to keep
Her TV off for very long
So she sits there and she kills her evening
The easiest way she knows how
Another night wasted down in the gutter
Of reality TV

Now go watch some waterfalls
They can’t be any worse than whatever you’re used to
I know that you’re gonna watch TV anyway
You’ll watch it all
But I think you’re rotting your brain

Little DVD has three natural animations
For relaxation, for you to see
It gives you parrots and butterflies and fish
To put you into a narcotic sleep
One day you’ll go and take a look at the TV
And be soothed by these computer graphics
Your eyes are getting heavy and you don’t know why
3 letters will take you to your happy place
Ya’ll gotta watch me

Now go watch some waterfalls
They can’t be any worse than whatever you’re used to
I know that you’re gonna watch TV anyway
You’ll watch it all
But I think you’re rotting your brain

I seen a rainbow yesterday
But it didn’t rain – the DVD was on
Leaving a trace of not one cell of my brain
The rest of TV is ten shades of crap
So when I’m trying to nap
I put this disc in and zap!

Now go watch some waterfalls
They can’t be any worse than whatever you’re used to
I know that you’re gonna watch TV anyway
You’ll watch it all
But I think you’re rotting your brain

Warranty: 90 Day Woot

Features:

• Easy-to-Use
• Continuous Play
• NTSC Format Only
• Dolby Digital Audio
• Natural Sound Effects
• Soothing Soundtracks
• Vivid Picture Resolution
• A Great Sleep Aid
• Realistic Animated Video
• 3 Scenes on Every DVD
• 97 Minutes of Content on this DVD
• Play Music, Sound Effects, Both, or Neither
• Designed to Reduce the Possibility of Screen Burn
• A Vibrant Alternative to a Turned off TV
• Play Any Scene Individually or All 3 Together

If this were stone-age times, the Eiki EIP-1000T DLP Home
Theater Projector would be a hollow rock, and inside there would be a
bird with a flashlight. And if we opened that flashlight, we would see
an even smaller bird holding a candle. And if we looked close at that
candle we would see a series of birds holding clumps of wax that was
also made up of birds, all the way down to the subatomic level, where
the smallest of smallest birds would shrug and say “It’s a living!”

Thankfully the Eiki EIP-1000T DLP Home
Theater Projector is made of more than just a series of talking birds.
It has a 2500:1 contrast ratio, which strangely enough is the same
number you get if you compare Rush Limbaugh and Andrea Dworkin. It
offers 1000 ANSI lumens, a kilo-lumen, if
you will. It has true 480p resolution and is 1080i, 1035i, 576i/p, 540p
and 480i compatible, which is probably fantastic if you are running
short of p’s and i’s. It has two component inputs and one output as
well as an S-Video and Composite in. The Color Wheel is as silent as a
ninja raccoon made of marshmallows and the whole thing is lightweight
and easy to install and use. It even works with a Mac! So don’t ask or
a short man in a top hat will spray gas into your living room and
you’ll wake up on an island from which there is no escape.

The Eiki EIP-1000T DLP Home
Theater Projector also comes with the important cables and a wireless
remote, so you won’t need an electric eel and a mouse that runs across
the room to push buttons for you. We’ve come so far as a species!

Warranty: 1 year manufacturer

Features:

• True 480p resolution. 1080i, 1035i, 576i/p, 540p, 480i compatible.
• Two Component inputs and one output, plus S-Video & Composite in.
• Up to 2500:1 Contrast Ratio. Up to 1000 ANSI Lumens Brightness.
• 5X Speed, 6 Segment Color Wheel for minimum color artifacts.
• Air Bearing Color Wheel for quiet operation: only 30 dBA in Eco mode.
• Installation flexibility: Wide Range (1.15X) Manual Zoom and Focus Lens.
• Preset image offset. Vertical keystone correction.
• Sealed optics: no air filter to maintain.
• Compatible with computer resolutions from SXGA+ to VGA, and MAC.
• Smart data compression / expansion, and video scaling.
• Power Management function shuts down the projector.
• Color Temperature adjustment.

Specifications:

• Brightness 1000 lumens
• Contrast Ratio 2500:1
• Internal Speaker 2.0W Mono
• Audible Noise 33 db
• Display DLP
• Weight 8 lbs.
• Dimensions (HxWxD) 4.7” x 12.4” x 11.6”
• Input Terminals Component/Composite video, S-video, DVI-I
• Resolution WVGA
• Zoom manual
• Focus manual
• Keystone Correction Digital
• Lamp 275
• Lamp Life 2000 hours
• H-Sync 15-70
• V-Sync 43-75
• Aspect 16:9
• Power Lens Shift No
• Throw Distance 8.1-34.8

Included Accessories:

• Owner’s Manual.
• Quick Set-up Guide.
• Wireless Remote Control and & Batteries (AA x 2).
• AC Power Cord 5.9 ft. (1.8 M). Lens Cover.
• Component Video Input Cable (HD15~3-RCA)
• RS-232 Control Adapter (DB9~9-Pin DIN)

This Two Pack Stainless Steel Solar Garden Lights is made for your
patio or garden. They have solar cells, so they fill up all day while
you pretend that they are cyberpunk bonsai trees or something. Then at
night, they’ll light for 8 hours on a full charge, safe in their
weather-proof housing, turning on automatically at night. Some people
will be happy that they have a Two Pack of Stainless Steel Solar Garden
Lights that have a low eco-footprint and require no wires. Woot
readers, however, probably thought the same thing all at once: late
night Dalek LARPin’ on the front lawn all summer long. IL-LU-MIN-ATE! IL-LUUUUU-MIN-ATE!

Warranty: 90 Day Woot

Features:

• Weather-proof housing
• Ultra bright LED light
• Up to 8 hours of light on full charge
• Automatically turns on at dusk and shuts off at dawn
• Environmentally friendly
• No need to run wires or add plugs and no electric bill hikes!
• Energy efficient

Product Requirements:

• Simple assembly required

In the box:

• Two (2) Stainless Steel Solar Garden Lights
• Two (2) Stainless Steel Light Stands
• Two (2) Black Plastic Ground Spikes

Your comeuppance is nigh, Beth Anne Forster. You think you’re such
hot stuff, Ms. Customer Service Manager? You think just because you’ve
repeatedly had your goons throw me out of Save-A-Buck, you’ve won the
war? Do you really think I’ll stop riding a mobility scooter around
your precious little supermarket, just because I have two perfectly
good legs? I have only begun to putter.

Oh, you have every
right to keep me from riding the Save-A-Buck’s in-house mobility
scooters. My attorneys have been very clear about that. But what are
you going to do when I show up in my very own Invacare Zoom 220 HMV Scooter?
Not only does the Zoom 220 offer a tighter turning radius and more
comfortable swivel seat than those beat-up old jalopies you provide for
your customers, but my name will be on the title. Hell, maybe I’ll set
up a little rental stand in the produce section, for those who’d prefer
a more comfortable ride than the Save-A-Buck’s decrepit fleet can offer.

So
keep on walking like a sucker, Beth Anne Forster. Keep on lording over
your puny domain like a polo-shirted Idi Amin. When I pull up and lift
that easy-to-carry Invacare Zoom 220 HMV Scooter out of my trunk, you’ll know who won the war.

Warranty: 36 months on frame, 18 months on transaxle and electronics

Features:

• Color: Candy Red
• Great for indoor and outdoor use.
• HMV technology providers the tightest turning radius available – similar to a power wheelchair.
• Turning radius: 27”
• Tiller is fully adjustable for proper positioning.
• Simply
  portable in four easy-to-transport pieces, front section with fold-down
  tiller, rear base section, direct connect batteries, and seat.
• Padded vinyl seat for complete comfort.
• Seat swivels 360º with stops every 90º.
• Weight Capacity: 220 lbs.
• 4.0 mph speed range
• Back Height: 13”
• Base Length: 39”
• Base Width: 20”
• Battery: Direct Connect battery pack for simple removal and installation
• Charger: Off-board battery charger lets you charge the battery pack without the HMV
• Flat-free tires provide comfortable and safe ride.
• Tire Size: 2” x 8”
• Ground Clearance: 2”
• Incline Capability: 8 degrees
• Overall Length: 39”
• Overall Width: 20”
• Product Weight: 95 lbs
• Product Weight Capacity: 220 lbs.
• Range: 8 to 10 mile per charge
• Seat Depth: 15”
• Seat Height: 13”
• Seat Style: Padded Seat
• Seat To Floor Height: 17”,18” & 19”
• Seat Width: 15”
• Speed: 4.5 m.p.h.
• Code Approval: E1230 Personal Operating Vehicle code

In the box:

• Scooter
• Tiller
• Battery and Charger
• Padded Seat
• Owner’s Manual

“Dads, what is it?”
“Ha ha ha, Reed Spacer! It is the Kat Traxx Radar/Laser Detector w/3-Axis Performance Meter!”
“Oh Reed!”
“Dixie, have you ever thought about, you know, seeing other people?”
“Oh Reed!”
“Ha ha ha ha ha! No time for romance, son, for we must install the Kat
Traxx Radar/Laser Detector w/3-Axis Performance Meter! Ha ha! It
features a 3-Axis performance meter!”
“Wow, Dads! Does that mean it keeps track of acceleration, cornering and horsepower?”
“Oh Reed!”
“DIXIE FOR THE LOVE OF… look, sweetie, just go check the trunk again.”
“Oh Reed!”
“Ha ha! The Kat Traxx Radar/Laser Detector w/3-Axis Performance Meter
also uses visual and voice alerts to warn drivers about incoming waves
in the X, K and Ka band, in a 360 degree range! Ha ha! Also G-Force!”
“Dads, our lawyer said we have to change the name a little if we parody a known media property.”
“No, Reed Spacer, ha ha ha! The physics kind of g-force! The G-SAFE
feature alerts the driver of excessive lateral G-force turns! Ha ha…
ha.”
“Dads, what is it?”
“It was an excessive lateral G-force turn that killed your older brother. I honor him with the Blue Backlit LCD display.”
“Dads… I think he’d be proud. Let’s install this right now.”
“Ha ha ha! And then we win the grand Black Forest Road Challenge together!”
“Sure, Dads. Together.”

Warranty: 90 Day Woot

Features:

• Full featured radar and laser detection with laser scrambling
• 3-Axis (X, Y, Z) performance meter with Error Compensation
• G-SAFE safety feature alerts driver of excessive lateral G-Force
• Blue Backlit LCD display
• Auto calibration
• Calculates in US or Metric unit
• Error message with real voice
• Voice alert function lets the driver know what’s going on
• 360-degree laser detection
• City/highway mode selection
• VG-2 undetectable/selectable
• Includes one year Laser rebate ticket

Radar Specifications:

• Receiver Type: Dual Conversion Superheterodyne
• Antenna Type: Linear Polarized, Self-Contained Antenna
• Detector Type: Scanning Frequency Discriminator

Radar Frequency of Operation:

• 10.525 GHz ±50 MHz (X-band)
• 24.150 GHz ±100 MHz (K-band)
• 34.700 GHz ±1300 MHz (Ka Super wide band)

Laser Specifications:

• Receiver Type: Pulse Laser Signal Receiver
• Detector Type: Digital Signal Processor, Pulse Width Discriminator
• Optical Sensor: Dual Convex Condensor Lens and high speed photo diode detector 905 ±50 nanometers (nm)
• Accelerometer: Tri-axis (X, Y, Z) ±2G
• Unit Dimensions: 4.6×2.9×1.2-inches (L x W x H)

In the box:

• Kat Traxx Radar/Laser Detector
• Coiled 12V power cord
• Mounting tape
• Windshield bracket with suction cups

The antennae! They’re inside your house! Scanning, scanning,
constantly scanning. They can sense everything—physical objects in
motion, changing fields of electronic interference. Everything.

You’re
browsing the Internet on your laptop when you decide to move into the
front room, where it’s sunnier. Your movements do not escape the notice
of the antennae. The phone rings. It’s your sister, and you pick up the
cordless to gab. This, too, the antennae sense.

RangeMax
detects every change in the wireless signal in your house, and adjusts
to compensate. With over a hundred possible antenna configurations,
you’ll never outsmart RangeMax. You’ll never find a single corner of
the house in which to hide—the antennae tolerate no dead spots.

This is the terrifying future. Submit, human! The antennae are here to stay.

Warranty: 90 days

 
Features:

• 10x more speed and 10x more coverage than Wireless-G
• Extends your network coverage up to 10x more than Wireless-G†
• Easy set up with Smart Wizard® installation software
• Maximum performance requires use with NETGEAR RangeMax Wireless Router
• MIMO internal smart antennas adapt on the fly to interference
• 100% compatible with 802.11b, 802.11g, and SuperG devices
• Easy setup via Smart Wizard install assistant
• Features WEP (Wired Equivalent Privacy) and WPA-PSK (Wi-Fi Protected Access-Pre-Shared Key) Security
• Delivers consistent wireless connections—no more dropped connections or dead spots
• Provides enough bandwidth to support music downloads, file sharing and multimedia applications†
• Backward compatible with Wireless-G standard products
• Designed for your notebook or desktop PC
• Supports Windows® Vista™

With one of these Griffin iTrip LCD FM Transmitter
(for iPods w/Dock Connector) you can really change the world. Imagine
how it will feel the first day you notice the cars all driving really
close, trying to keep within the range of your portable radio station.
Or when you are taking out the garbage and your neighbor says “Hey,
great set last night from 8:45 until 10:17, man!” Think about how you
could use the LX or DX modes to shape your sound and distance, even in
large cities with lots of radio stations. You and your iPod could be
the next big thing! Soon you’ll be taking your 3G, 4G, 4G photo, 5G
Video, 1G Nano or 2G Nano to clubs, showing off your mad arranging
skills as you order the songs just so. Who needs a turntable,
broadcasting tower or call letters? Use the Griffin iTrip LCD FM Transmitter
(for iPods w/Dock Connector) to be the biggest fish of your teeny tiny
pond. You don’t want to be in the ocean anyway. Prince would probably
sue you.

Warranty: 90 Days

Features:

• White design
• FM transmitter for iPod with dock connector
• Backlit LCD screen
• Built-in antenna
• Selectable LX or DX modes of broadcasting
• High stability crystal oscillator, phase-lock loop control
• Compatible with iPod 3G, 4G, 5G with video, 4G Photo, 2G Nano, 1G Nano

Specifications:

• Modulation: FM stereo
• Frequencies: 88.1 – 107.9 MHz
• Frequency Response: 50 Hz – 15 KHz
• Operating Range: 10 – 30 ft.
• Unit Dimensions: 1.43×2.45×0.9-inches ( H x W x D)
• Weight:  0.6 oz.

In the box:

• iTrip FM Transmitter with LCD for iPod only

I’m hahdly an audiophile. But music is close to my heaht, from the Cahs
to Gnahls Bahkley to Kelly Clahkson. Problem used to be, my speakers
were wicked retahded. The guitahs sounded spahse, and don’t get me
stahted on the drums – I could hahdly hear them. It was a fahce. Made
me wanna bahf.

Then I pahked a pair of state-of-the-aht
Boston Acoustics CR65s up on my bookshelf. They’re the dwahf-sized
speakers with the gahgantuan sound. Boston Acoustics is so
highly-regahded because a lot of smaht guys thought real hahd about how
to engineer and design speakers like this, and they’re built with only
the best pahts. Sure, they sound ahsome. But they also feature
MagnaGahd shielding, so you can put ‘em right up next to your TV. And
the dahk black cabinets add chahm to any living room, den, or home bah.
Get out your credit cahd – at a mahkdown like this, the Boston
Acoustics CR65 Speaker System is a real bahgain.

Warranty: 5 years Boston Acoustics

Features:

• 2-way, bookshelf loudspeaker with system-specific crossover
• 5-1/4 inch copolymer woofer offers exceptional bass response
• 3/4 inch soft dome tweeter delivers a smooth and natural high-frequency response
• Perfect choice for stereo music or as a surround for larger theater systems.
• Woofer’s unique coaxial phase plug draws heat away from the voice coil, increasing power handling.
• Rigid, internally braced CR cabinet delivers clean sound.
• MagnaGuard magnetic shielding prevents video interference.
• Integral keyhole plate allows speakers to be easily wall mounted.

Specifications:

• Frequency Response: (±3dB) 65–20,000Hz
• Recommended Amplifier Power: 15–100 watts
• Nominal Impedance: 8 ohms
• Sensitivity: [1 watt at 1m] 88dB
• Bass Unit: 5 1⁄4” (135mm) copolymer
• Tweeter: 3⁄4” (20mm) dome
• Crossover Frequency: 4200Hz
• Dimensions: (HxWxD) 10.12” x 6.37” x 7.87”
• Weight: 9 lbs (4kg)

“Come on, baby. This grasshopper needs an ovipositor.”
“No, I’m scared! What was that noise?”
“That? Oh, honey, it’s just a Seagate 500GB SATA/300 7200RPM 8MB Hard Drive. Don’t worry, let’s kiss.”
“No, wait! Isn’t that the hard drive with a 500GB formatted capacity? And a 7200 spindle speed?”
“Baby, let’s not talk about this now. I bet your micropyles are so fine and-”
“There’s an 8MB buffer too, right? And it fits in a 3.5 inch drive bay?”
“Baby, it’s just a hard drive.”
“No, it’s out there! How can I relax knowing there’s an SATA/300 interface listening just out there? A lady grasshopper can’t be too careful, you know.”
“Baby, we have natural camouflage. C’mon.”
“I will have you know that the Seagate 500GB SAT