Me and the Whistler 300 Watt DC to AC Power
Inverter came up together. When we was kids, it would say “Sal, one
day, I’m gonna change everything!” And then I’d hit it in the eye with
a cannoli.

But that didn’t stop it. We got our first job for the boss and the Whistler 300 Watt DC to AC Power
Inverter was ready. It turned 12 volt power into AC like nobody’s
business. 300 watt continuous 600 watt peak. It was runnin’ two outlets
and somebody’d walk up to it and then pow! it was runnin’ three. They
liked that initiative.

It had a low battery alarm and a
thermal cutoff but never talked about ‘em. I knew, sure, but we came up
together. It knew stuff about me, too. We were like brothers. I took a
power spike for it one time. It woulda gone right in the turbo cooled
heat sink if it weren’t for me. I told it, Whistler 300 Watt DC to AC Power
Inverter , you gotta check your wattage requirements first, but it
didn’t listen. That guy. Momma always said it has a guardian angel
workin’ overtime.

I got outta that game a long time ago. I hear Whistler 300 Watt DC to AC Power
Inverter is still out there, convertin’ around. I can’t worry about the
guy. It’s not my life, ya know? I still wish it well. Even now, I wish
it well.

Warranty: 90 Day Whistler

Features:

• 300 Watt continuous 600 watt peak power
• Turbo Cooled Heat Sink Design
• Converts 12 volt power (cigarette lighter adapter) to household AC power
• 2 3 pronged outlets
• Low battery alarm and thermal cutoff and electronic circuit protection

In the box:

Whistler PP300AC 300-watt Power Inverter

In ancient times the Queen of Sheba controlled and guarded all of
the pistachios in her realm. You’ll understand why after you taste one.
These lightly salted California jumbo premium pistachios might be the
best on the planet.

We say Jumbo premium pistachios, and we mean it. These big nutty babies come from California, USA.
None of them have that red dye which was designed to hide imperfections
and comes off on your hands. No, these are fresh, fresh, fresh, taken
right from the free roaming pistachio herds and bagged before they even
hit a grocery store. A few of these every day could help your heart
stay healthy (especially if they replace the fatty snacks).

For
thirty years the nice people at Fiddyment Farms have been using their
g-g-g-units to harvest the very best and most fresh (do those kids
still say fresh?) pistachios they have to offer, ranking them among the
world’s finest pistachio pushers. And they’re seriously delicious.

At the price we’re selling them for, you can be economically cracking and munching your way through March Madness,
The Stanley Cup, The Olympics and Election Night 2012. And even if
those Mayans were right, you can still be gliding into the apocalypse
with a trail of little shells behind you.

No cholesterol. 49
nuts in a 1 oz serving. Each five pound bag costs less than that really
big pizza and are certainly more fun to eat. What can you shell and
open on a Big Mac? Let a little luxury into your life.

Not to be consumed by those with peanut allergies

I’m the Logitech mm28 Flat Panel Portable Speakers
I look more fly than a new pair of sneakers
I’m only 1.24 inches thick
I’m the color of cement but I ain’t no brick
I work with laptops or CD players
I work with iPods or other kinds’a players
Did you see me just rhymin’ players with players
That gets you eaten by polar bears
Aw, hell, here comes one, cause I broke the rule
This happened once to that Shakespeare dude
And Emily Dickenson died this way
And they got Pimp C just the other day
Yo, I gotta run before I get chomped
But I don’t cost much so buy one, punk!
Warranty: 90 days

Features:

• Optimize your sound via the stereo NXT flat-panel technology for excellent stereo sound and enhanced bass.
• Only 1.24″ thick! Perfect for taking with you wherever you go
• Protective cover. No carrying case required.
• Integrated cable management. For clutter-free, easy storage.
• Flexible device options. Use with most laptops and portable MP3/CD players.
• Operates
  with AC adapter (included) or four AA batteries (not included).
• Ultra
  long battery life enables you to listen to your favorite tunes for over
  45 hours
• Unique speaker cover rotates to function as a stand

You plug the cable in
You send a stream right out
You watch tv at work
Or whenever you are out
The Pinnacle PCTV To Go HD Wireless
Your friends will think you’re the best!

It has four A/V’s in
It also streams to LANs
It lets you watch your shows
Through the Internet, oh man
Works with your current network or Windows MCE
Watch TV on your PC!

You won’t miss any shows
While you are at your desk
Sure, there’s no WPA
But what if you’re desperate
The new Knight Rider’s started
And you cannot miss the show
The Pinnacle PCTV To Go!

You plug the cable in
You send a stream right out
You watch tv at work
Or whenever you are out
The Pinnacle PCTV To Go HD Wireless
Your friends will think you’re the best!

Warranty: One year Pinnacle

Features:

• Connect PCTV to go HD to your Cable Box, Satellite dish, Tivo, DVR then you can take your TV with you.
• Enjoy your home HDTV or SDTV programming wherever you are, at the office, a hotel room, other rooms of your home or anywhere there is an Internet connection
• Works with existing A/V components and PC technologies
• Allows you to pause, rewind and record your favorite TV shows
• No set-up or monthly service fees
• Watch and control TV in full screen MPEG-2 DVD like quality in and around your home on your PC
• Watch and control high-quality MPEG-4 TV content remotely anywhere in the world on an Internet connected PC
• Wireless set-up makes installation of PCTV To Go a breeze
• Control all your TV features from your PC – remotely change channels, Video sources, and even control your home Digital Video Recorder
• Wirelessly communicates to your existing network or directly to your wireless PC
• Pause and rewind live TV or record your favorite TV shows with the included PCTV To Go Player
• Works as a TV source within a wirelessly connected Microsoft Media Center Edition equipped PC (also compatible with Windows Vista Home Premium)

Minimum System Requirements:

• Microsoft Windows Vista, XP Home or Pro, or XP Media Center Edition w/ SP2 or higher
• Computer with minimum Pentium or Athlon 1GHz or higher (1.5GHz or higher recommended)
• 512MB RAM (1GB RAM for Windows Vista Home Premium and Ultimate)
• Disk space: 75MB to install PCTV To Go software; at least 500MB for time-shifting ; 10 GB recommended for recording
• Wireless LAN 802.11g adapter (for wireless configuration and operations)
• Available RJ-45 Ethernet port on PC or LAN (for wired configuration and operation)
• Wireless LAN 802.11g adapter (for wireless configuration and operations)
• DirectX® 9 or higher compatible sound card (M-Audio® or Creative® Audigy® recommended)
• DVD burner for creating DVDs
• CD or DVD burner for creating CDs

Hardware Inputs/Outputs:

• Component Video
• Composite Video
• S-Video
• Stereo Audio

Video and TV Sources Inputs & Outputs:

• Digital Cable Set Top Box
• Digital Video Recorder
• Satellite Receiver
• DVD Player/VCR/Camcorder

Package Contents:

• Pinnacle PCTV To Go HD Wireless hardware
• WiFi 802.11g Antennas (2)
• Composite Video and Stereo Audio Cable
• IR Blaster Cable for remote control
• AC Adapter (100-240V 50-60Hz)
• Pinnacle PCTV To Go Quick Start Guide
• Pinnacle PCTV To Go CD-ROM

My name is US Robotics USR5416 802.11g Wireless PCI Adapter of the clan 802.11g Wireless PCI Adapter.
There are many like me, and yet I am unique. I am a player in a great
game I do not even understand. Many years ago, in Scotland, I met an
Egyptian who used a Japanese sword. I know, I know, just kinda go with
it for a little bit.

Anyway, he taught me to use my gifts
properly. Soon my wireless speeds were up to 100 Mpbs, and I was no
longer afraid of using my detachable antenna. He taught me focus, and
that gave me built in 256 bit WEP encryption, as well as 802.1x network authentication support. And he taught me the rules.

There
are some rules we all hold sacrosanct. We must have 64 MB or greater,
and be running Windows 98SE or higher. We must have a PCI 2.1/2.2 slot available. And no wedgies on holy ground.

But
then a terrible thing happened, and I lost my teacher and my love. And
now I am in New York, where I have been drawn for my final battle. My
name is US Robotics USR5416 802.11g Wireless PCI Adapter of the clan 802.11g Wireless PCI Adapter. And there can be only one.

(Although,
obviously, if things don’t sell out completely this time they might do
a 2fer in a month or so. You never can tell with these guys.)

Warranty: 90 Day U.S. Robotics

Features:

• Wireless speeds up to 100 Mpbs
• Detachable Antenna
• Built-in 256-bit Wired Equivalent Privacy (WEP) encryption
• 802.1x network authentication support
• Uses Direct Sequence Spread Spectrum (DSSS) radio technology

Security Features:

• 64/128/256-bit Wired Equivalent Privacy (WEP) encryption
• Disable Broadcast SSID
• 802.1x network authentication support
• Wi-Fi Protected Access (WPA)

Minimum System Requirements:

• PC with Pentium processor or equivalent, 100 MHz or faster
• 64 MB RAM (or greater as recommended by your operating system)
• 500K available hard disk space for utility and driver installation
• Available PCI 2.1/2.2 slot
• Windows 98SE/Me/2000/XP operating system
• CD-ROM drive

In the Box:

• USRobotics 802.11g Wireless Turbo PCI Adapter
• Removable swivel dipole antenna with reverse polarity SMA connector
• Quick Installation Guide
• Installation CD-ROM

Mitra’s name! What sorcery is this? The router they call Netgear WNR834M
is sending music and images through the very air at an exceptional
speed! And at such a range! Why, this infernal wireless network would
seem to span the entire grounds of the temple and beyond! It is not for
men like us to understand the black arts of the Stygian priests, rooted
in centuries of arcana.

Men say the WNR834M’s
double firewall protects it from external hacker attacks—but by Crom,
I’ll hack it to bits! It may be shrouded in WiFi enchantments, but
anything a man can lift, steel can cleave! To battle!

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Advanced Wireless-N technology delivers exceptional range and speed
• Up to 15x the speed and 10x the coverage of Wireless-G technology
• High-performance wireless perfect for multiple users and multimedia streaming
• Maximum range for large homes and small offices
• Double Firewall protection from external hacker attacks
• Touchless WiFi Security makes securing your network easy

Standards:

• IEEE802.11n draft specification
• IEEE 802.11g
• IEEE 802.11b

Security Features:

• Network Address Translation
• Stateful Packet Inspection
• Denial of Service (DoS) attack prevention
• Intrusion Detection and Prevent
• WiFi protected Access (WPA2- PSK, WPA- PSK)
• Wired Equivalent Privacy (WEP) 64-bit, 128-bit encryption for IEEE 802.11b and IEEE802.11g
• Wireless Access Control to identify authorized wireless network devices
• MAC address authentication
• Exposed Host (DMZ) for secure gaming

In the box:

• Netgear WNR834M Wireless Router
• Power Adapter
• Ethernet Cable
• Stand

Family is the most important thing. Unfortunately, there comes a
time in almost every man’s life when he’s barred from approaching
within 1,000 yards of his. It’s sad, confusing and enough to make you
want to start setting fires again. But don’t.

Instead, get
close with Rokinon’s Zoom Binoculars. With their high-resolution,
multi-coated optics, you won’t miss a moment. Watch the kids’ soccer
games at 10x magnification to take in all the action. Why doesn’t
someone tell Nathan to attack the ball? He’s so timid! He needs a
strong male role model! If that family court judge could see this
pathetic little weakling letting the play pass right by, maybe she’d
understNATE, JEEZE, COME ON, GET IN THE GAME!

Zoom
to 30x magnification to keep tabs on your wife’s “girls’ nights.” Just
to make sure no one acts irresponsibly, or in a manner unbecoming a
mother of three. Martinis? Really? On a Sunday?

The tripod
socket will come in handy during long stakeouts. (Tripod not included.)
And they’re housed in impact-resistant rubber, so there’s some chance
they’ll survive your hurling them out of the tree when you see your
so-called best friend swooping in. That vulture. That scheming,
backstabbing son of…

Hey, pull yourself together, sport!
This is the way it’s going to be for now. Make the best of it. Use the
included lens cleaning cloth to wipe your hot tears from the lenses.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Zoom 10x to 30x and any power in between
• Binoculars feature center focusing with right-eye diopter
• Impact resistant
• Rubber armor
• High resolution, multi-coated optics
• Includes carrying case, lens caps, and lens cleaning cloth
• Tripod socket for stationary use
• Large 50mm front objective diameter for maximum brightness
• 194-foot field of view at 1000 yards for 10x magnification
• 115-foot field of view at 1000 yards for 30x magnification
• Binoculars measure 8 inches long x 2 inches high x 7 inches wide

In the box:

• Rokinon 10-30×50 Zoom Binoculars
• Carrying Case
• Neck Strap
• Cleaning Cloth
• Lens Caps

Since I don’t know where you live, and I’m very cheap, my Valentine to you comes in the form of these links, all involving hearts in one way or another:

• I usually don’t plunder the same blog for multiple links in one WWWoundup, but I couldn’t resist Curbly’s heart-based how-tos on making customized conversation hearts and recreating the heart-removal scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
• Go back to the womb with the My Beating Heart pillow.
• Take it from us: the Empire State Development Agency is ruthless about protecting their “I Heart NY” trademark, and not even the stylish are exempt.
• With its “20 deep set reddish-brown or black eyes” and “very long thin proboscis which is either sticky or has poisonous hooks”, the literally heartless bootlace worm might be the least romantic member of the worm family. And that’s saying something.
• It’s too late to book a ticket this year, but you might want to keep these heart-shaped destinations in mind for next year.
• True and/or fun fact: my wife’s grandfather once taught at Effingham High School, home of the Flaming Hearts.

Four O’Clock Flash: I’m sure there’s some couple, somewhere in the world, that met when she bumped into him with her bicycle. So Nanaca Crash!! makes perfect sense as a Valentine’s Day game. One couple’s meet cute is another couple’s unprovoked vehicular assault.

Last week we asked you to show us a past or current Woot ingeniously re-purposed to serve as a Valentine’s Day gift. Well Valentine, the big day is almost here, and we are hoping beyond hope that you aren’t taking notes from this week’s entries. Please, in the name of all that is decent, just go to your local convenience store and get that $3 bouquet of flowers for your Valentine…it has to be better than any of the following Valentine’s Day gifts:

First Place - $100

Plinth - Crappy Luminary

Here we have crap turned into a Valentine luminary, confession of a misdemeanor, a $100 win–community service: priceless.

Second Place - $50

intaglio - Sockolates

She’s not going to like the wrench he’s throwing into all her future plans.

Third Place - $20

fyrefall - It’s All About You

Can you pause this digital frame on certain pictures, say picture #4?

Honorable Mentions

FedUpOldHag - Mrs. Potato Head Wine

Here’s to you, Couch and Hot, on your 1st Valentine’s Day together!

markviens - Squid Roses

Is this what is meant by a “spray of flowers?”

toby8915 - Love Signal

Where does the Loveman get these wonderful toys?

carpenter940 - SD Pendant

But honey, a locket can only hold 2 tiny pictures…this can hold 1164 pictures of me!

Minimum Rage - Heart-shaped Roomba

Public Service Announcement: a vacuum, no matter what its shape, is never a good idea for a Valentine’s gift.

milleym - Tornado Transfer

What about the favorites, the address books, the toolbars, the wallpapers, the desktop icons? This is the true test of a relationship.

Afiator - Love Frogs

Love…exciting and new…come aboard…we’re expecting you…the Frog Boat…soon will be making a loud alarm…

wantabewooter - Leakfrogdue[/b[

What kind of box must these come in?

[b]Monkey Prize

brimguard - Speakerphone Serenade

Apparently the out-of-focus lady got the monkey prize on Valentine’s Day. Not only did her lover-boy not have the sense to attach the telephone lips hands free desk unit to the mp3 player with its little clamp thingy, he is so attached to himself that the pucker is facing him as it sings along with Sir Mix-A-Lot.

Money winners, please email your Paypal info to jtoon@woot.com. Monkey Prize winner, please email your shipping address to jtoon@woot.com. Honorable Mentioneers may use coupon code HONMEN-FS for free shipping on a future order. Until next time, remember–Anti-Valentine’s Day is just as much a real holiday as Valentine’s Day.

I always knew I’d be famous someday. I used to think I’d do it by
contributing something of lasting value to humanity, or through notable
achievements of talent and inspiration. In other words, the sucker’s
route to stardom. But then it hit me: there’s an easier way. I’m on my
way to a front page near you, armed with little more than my devilish
charm, my irrestistible smile, and my Canon ZR830 Mini DV Camcorder.

Here’s
how it’ll go down. I go to LA, or New York, or maybe London – someplace
with lots of celebrities. I finagle my way into their parties. I catch
the eye of a female celebrity. I’d prefer a supermodel or actress, but
the right pop singer would be acceptable, too. She smiles. I look away.
She’s intrigued. I play it cool. She stares. I stroke my mustache. She
wants what she apparently cannot have. I let myself be persuaded. We
drive off into the night together, back to her well-appointed luxury
digs. Champagne. Satin sheets. Slow jams. That’s where the Canon ZR830 comes in.

Just a few minutes of clandestine romantic footage is all it’ll take to make me an Internet sensation. The ZR830’s
genuine Canon optics and 35x optical zoom will capture every famous
pore on her famous body. For the kind of action I have in mind, the
image stabilizer is a must. Yes, somewhere out there, there’s a starlet
just waiting to co-star with me in my big break. She just doesn’t know
it yet. The only thing I have to remember is to make sure it’s not too
dark – like me, the ZR830 likes to leave the lights on.

Warranty: Canon 60 Day Limited Warranty

Features:

• Genuine Canon Optics with 35x optical/1000x digital zoom ensure that video and photos are clear and rich
  with color and detail. Canon’s expertise in designing lenses for
  photography and broadcast television goes into every camcorder we make.
• Image stabilizer Shoot rock-steady video — even when
  you’re at maximum telephoto without a tripod. It is even effective
  while panning or zooming.
• DIGIC DV image processor
  Video and photos require different image processing. Unlike other
  manufacturers’ camcorders which process video and photos the same way,
  DIGIC DV treats them differently. This results in video and photos with
  exceptional color and clarity.
• 2.7-inch widescreen LCD
  A widescreen LCD and the new .35-inch widescreen color viewfinder
  allows you to see exactly what your camcorder is recording, and what
  your TV will display later.
• Widescreen HR recording The
  ZR830 records true widescreen for picture-perfect video. Canon’s image
  processing system uses the entire width of the image sensor, capturing
  a big picture in true 16:9 widescreen so no one and nothing is left
  unseen. And Canon camcorders take advantage of more pixels to give you
  amazing quality.
• Still image recording Capture stunning photos in 4:3 aspect ratio to a miniSD card.
• Quick Start
  Instead of powering off your camcorder between shots, simply press the
  Quick Start button to put the camcorder in stand-by mode. Quick Start
  considerably reduces the power consumption of the battery and allows
  the user to return to recording mode in approximately .9 seconds, so
  you’ll never have to miss another special moment.
• Joystick
  The joystick makes using the camcorder easier than ever. Extra buttons
  have been eliminated, allowing you to control playback, focusing,
  exposure, and menu options from one convenient place.
• Smooth zoom control
  Want to shoot like the pros? Three fixed speeds allow you to produce
  smooth video that will be enjoyable for everyone to watch.
• Built-in manual lens cover
  A built-in manual lens cover gives you the ability to protect your
  Canon video lens without ever having the inconvenience of a dangling
  lens cap that’s easily lost.
• Level shot control Even if
  you are a first-time camcorder user, you’ll never have to worry about
  shooting crooked video. A horizontal marker and center indicator always
  keeps you on track.
• Grid display Achieve picture
  perfect composition every time when using the convenient Grid Marker
  feature. You can choose between two colors, white or gray, to best
  match the background.
• 9-point AiAF: Bring off-center subjects into sharp focus.
• Progressive Photo: Reduces blurring so you get crisp photos.
• Simultaneous photo recording: Capture e-mail ready digital photos to a memory card while you record video.
• Special Scene modes:
  A wide selection of automatic exposure modes makes it easy to capture
  great video or photos under any condition. Choose from: Portrait,
  Sports, Night, Snow, Beach, Sunset, Spotlight, or Fireworks.
• Image effects:
  Choose from the following effects to add a creative flare to your
  photos: Vivid, Neutral, Low-Sharpening, and Soft Skin Detail.

In the box:

• Canon ZR830 Camcorder
• Power Adapter
• Battery Pack
• Lithium Button Battery
• Stereo Video Cable
• WL-D85 Wireless Controller
• Lithium Button Battery for Wireless Controller
• USB Cable
• Software CD
• Users Guide

Maybe it’s because my 2-month-old daughter kept me up all night. Maybe it’s because my beautiful and talented sister, Suzanne, was shown the door on American Idol (those bastards!). Maybe it’s because the last time we did this, it was the most commented-on WWWoundup post ever. Whatever the reason, it’s time for you to do unto us as we do unto you: show us the most interesting, beautiful, disgusting, intriguing, uplifting, wondrous, and disturbing stuff you’ve seen on the Internet lately. Your regularly scheduled WWWoundup will be back tomorrow with a heart-shaped box of links for Valentine’s Day.

Sure, you could spend a lot of money for humdrum roses or boring old candy this Valentine’s Day. That would certainly require the least effort and make the least waves. If you’re the kind of person who likes things dull and predictable, go right ahead and settle for yet another Valentine’s Day indistinguishable from the last, or the next.

But if you’d rather make this V-Day a magical occasion your loved one will remember for a lifetime, get ahold of some cardstock. You’ve got original Woot Valentines to print. Courtesy of Shirt.Woot, these exclusive designs come in Bitter (thumbnailed at left above) and Sweet (at right) flavors, so even the romantically miserable can play along. Just open these PDFs, print them out, cut them up, and let your love flow in the things you do:

• Bitter Valentines [PDF – 748K]
• Sweet Valentines [PDF – 322K]

Now don’t say we never gave you anything. if you’d like to reciprocate, please forward all gifts directly to our headquarters. We prefer cash.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer
our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The
news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have
to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

COPENHAGEN,
Denmark (AP)—Danish police said Tuesday they have arrested three people
suspected of plotting to kill one of the 12 cartoonists behind the
Prophet Muhammad drawings that sparked a deadly uproar in the Muslim
world two years ago.

And for one more year, Cathy Guisewite goes unpunished.

PORTLAND,
Ore. (AP)—What is believed to be the first recording of Allen Ginsberg
reading his iconic Beat poem ’’Howl’’ has been found at the library of
a private college here.

A dance remix, featuring Fergie, Akon, and guest vocals from Tom Jones, is expected to ship just in
time for the summer club season.

BANGKOK,
Thailand (AP)—Some coral reefs may be protected from global warming by
a natural thermostat that regulates sea-surface temperatures in the
open ocean, researchers said Wednesday.

Oceanographers
found that the Clownfish monitors this thermostat, checking it twice a
day and shouting “Do you think I’m made of money?” while setting it
back ten degrees.

WASHINGTON (AP)—Americans
worried about losing their television signals when analog goes dead
next year now have a new concern: the government-issued coupons for the
converter boxes have a short shelf life.

Through a spokesperson, the Federal Government said
that now, since it has trashed the economy, screwed up a war, offended
most other nations, and even figured out a way to screw up television,
it will begin to confiscate puppies and work to make balloons illegal.

DILI,
East Timor (AP)—East Timor declared a state of emergency Tuesday after
attacks on the country’s top leaders in a failed coup left the
president in ’’extremely serious’’ condition with gunshot wounds.

People
watching closely include the government of Myanmar, the government of
Thailand, and a little girl who whispered “Mommy, is the
meerkat from Lion King going to be okay?”

PORT WENTWORTH, Ga.
(AP)—Frustrated fire officials are turning to a private firefighting
company to help fight the stubborn, high-temperature blaze at a sugar
refinery that continues despite the dropping of thousands of gallons of
water by a helicopter.

But on the plus side, locals will soon be treated to a giant Creme Brulee.

Oh, my droogies, the Infocus 7210 High Definition DLP Projector
with 76” Screen is grand. Keep your messels sharp as you drop that
Pretty Polly you keep in your back pocket at the Moloko Bar with your
smirk and your swagger. Because after a night spent in a bit of the ol’
requesting-the-woot-off, that rattle in the ol’ noggin is softer than
the chains about your legs, and her papa the bolshy majee-straight,
unboxing his majestic wiggy and pointing yon hammer down at your
innocent young eyes may want a gift that redeems your sin with a bit of
sinny. Here, my droogs, here could be the very ray of light that could
show you the way from the fruit basket of your youth to the sausage and
cheese platter of adulthood. Kopat my Nadsat? I’ll put it plain. The
Infocus 7210 Hi-Def DLP Projector with 76” Screen is your ticket to smiles and joy.

First consider this Infocus 7210 High Definition DLP Projector. Stroke that clean white shell and explain the 2800:1 contrast ratio. Explain how the Faroudja FLI2310 DCDi
de-interlacer knows film-based material and shows it at 48 frames a
second so those tired ancient marchings and bombings have all the
luster of the big screen. No image stutter, my friends, the Faroudja
knows the game. Tell the tell about the TI Darkchip 3 DLP
chip with blacks as true as a proper English night with Saucy Jack. The
1100 lumens, malchick, pre-calibrated to 6500K. Tell him that when life
gives you lumens, you make lumenaid! Watch his nametag positively
wriggle with laughter at the clever you spread. As best as watching Rob
Schneider catch a cane to the sharries.

Ready for a dab of the old Carl Zeiss? He’s thick as thieves with the Infocus 7210 High Definition DLP Projector
with 76” Screen. Littletell your tov that the 720p lamp life can scale,
like a lizardman on Mongo, and can display
1080i,720p,576p,576i,480p,480i, and computer resolutions up to SXGA 1280×1024. NTSC, PAL, SECAM, PAL-M, PAL-N. What won’t it play? And there, in secret, the M1-DA port, should you need a place to stick your HDMI adaptor. We shan’t include it, so get your own. But we shall include the remote (with batteries).

Don’t
forget the 76” Screen, my droogs. It hangs from the roof, so you can
pick the nice chair behind that woman in the grand feathered hat and
still not miss a thing. Granted, it’s just a starter screen but what joy, to have a night at the sin come right
to your den!

Oh, my brothers, give a happy smile from deep
in the heart that knows no shame. Lay down your dengi for this Infocus
7210 High Definition DLP Projector with 76” Screen is an investment most grand, most grand. Roll the specnical techs!

Infocus ScreenPlay 7210 HD DLP Projector Features:

• Warranty: 2 Year Infocus
• HDTV-ready DLP projector (digital TV reception requires a separate HDTV tuner)
• Widescreen 16:9 native aspect ratio (can also display 4:3 material)
• Texas Instruments DarkChip 3™ DLP chip
• Native resolution: 1280×720 (720p)
• Faroudja FLI2310 DCDi de-interlacer with 3-2 pulldown processing
• Contrast ratio: 2800:1 (full on/off)
• Light output: 1100 ANSI lumens
• Auto-calibrating 7-segment, 5x-speed color wheel
• Pre-calibrated to 6500K
• Digital keystone correction (±20° vertical, ±9° horizontal)
• Maximum Screen Size: 132”
• Reverse image settings for ceiling mounting and rear projection
• Compatible with NTSC, PAL, SECAM, PAL-M or PAL-N signals
• Custom-designed all-glass Carl Zeiss optics
• 1.25X manual zoom/focus lens (long-throw)
• 220W/250W dual-mode UHP lamp (3000-hour rated life for 220W setting, 2000 hours for 250W)
• Remote control
• 13-1/4”W x 4-1/4”H x 12-1/2���D
• weight: 9.5 lbs.

Video inputs:

• 1 composite video
• 2 S-video
• 2 HD-compatible component video (accepts 1080i/720p/480p/480i signals)
• 1 “M1-DA” (compatible with DVI-HDCP, RGB analog, or component analog signals — each requires an adapter cable)
• 1 HD15 (compatible with HDTV RGB, component or computer signals)
• 1 D5 component (compatible with HDTV, EDTV, standard TV sources, and, with an adapter, RGB SCART)
• RS-232 port
• two 12-volt minijack trigger outputs (to operate an electric screen)

Infocus HW-HTSCREEN76 76” Projector Screen Features:

• 90 Day Woot Warranty
• Wall Mountable (screws not included)
• Manual pull-down operation
• Retractable seamless white fiberglass matte viewing surface
• Flame and mildew resistant
• Widescreen 16:9 format
• 76” diagonal, 50º viewing angle
• Height and Width – 38”x67”

In the Box:

• InFocus Screenplay 7210 Projector
• 76” 16:9 HW-HTSCREEN76 Retractable Projector Screen
• Projector Mounting Bracket
• Cable Cover
• Remote Control with Batteries
• 3 Prong US Power Cord
• 2 Prong European Power Cord
• User Manual

Now, I don’t believe the stereotype that all male geeks are clueless about the opposite sex. Neither does my wife, I hope. But if you need a nudge or two to class up this upcoming Valentine’s Day, well, as usual, the Internet is here for you.

• Lonely? These geek pickup lines might help you acquire a little companionship this Valentine’s Day.
• And it wouldn’t hurt to pick up one or two of these geek Valentine gifts, although they’re mostly just gadgets colored pink.
• If your beloved is a gun freak, you’ve just found the perfect wrapping paper, complete with bullet holes.
• It would also help if you’d cut back on the 20 Worst Foods in America. We’re just saying.
• Remember, while you may be fascinated by the evolution of Google’s logo, or what people in 1962 thought 1975 would look like, or the world’s most amazing treehouses, it’s probably best to determine your date’s potential interest in those subjects before you start droning on about them. (And that goes double if you’re going to say something like “I saw this really awesome thing on the Internet”, a conversational gambit whose tedium is matched only by “I had this really weird dream last night” and “Listen to what my kid did the other day.”)
• Finally, we would be remiss if we didn’t point out the hippest Valentine’s Day accessory of 2008: all-original Woot Valentines, suitable for printing out, handing out, and then making out. With a person, we mean. Not with the Valentines.

Four O’Clock Flash: I know I’ve been featuring a lot of abstract shape-moving games lately, but I can’t help but add Orbflex. Yes, you move a little dot around with your mouse. But it’s a little harder than that.

1. Always keep a spare fiber-optic cable with tin cans attached to each end.
2. Take a deep breath, stretch, and count to 20. When you’re relaxed, you can throw your BlackBerry much harder.
3. Acquire an advanced degree in telecommunications engineering, so you can decipher the eventual explanation from RIM.
4. Call your local Homeland Security office and threaten to blow it up in the name of Holy Jihad. Then the BlackBerry outage will be the least of your worries.
5. While they may not be fast, today’s carrier turtles are more reliable than ever.
6. Use your writing or photography skills to chronicle the tragedy for future generations. The world must never forget.
7. Consider learning semaphore.
8. Take advantage of the accompanying chaos to loot an iPhone.
9. If you experience feelings of murderous rage, remember: incompetent buck-passing millionaire executives are people, too.

Innovage Project Manager: And then maybe we take one of our existing remote controls and add an MP3 player, and a digital photo frame, maybe with a little slot that dispenses your business cards-

Innovage CEO:
No, no, no. We need something fresh, something innovative. Our company
is called “Innovage”, not “Sameoldstupidcrapage”. Is that all you’ve
got?

Innovage Project Manager: Well, the team did come up with one other thing. But, well…

Innovage CEO: What? What is it?

Innovage Project Manager: I don’t know, it’s kind of a weird idea, but maybe…

Innovage CEO: Good God, man, spit it out! Please, while we’re young!

Innovage Project Manager: OK. Here it is: a really huge remote.

Innovage CEO: What?

Innovage Project Manager: A really huge remote control.

Innovage CEO: Hmm.

Innovage Project Manager:
Yeah, a great big universal remote. It won’t get lost between your
couch cushions, the big buttons are easy to see, and it doesn’t take up
much more space than the three or four remotes it replaces.

Innovage CEO: Hmm.

Innovage Project Manager: You don’t like it? You don’t like it.

Innovage CEO: Hmm. I’m just wondering…

Innovage Project Manager: Yes? What is it you’re wondering?

Innovage CEO:
How a giant remote would look in my TV room. Call the factory, draw up
the schematics, do whatever you have to do to get this gigantic remote
control made. You’ve done it again, Wiley! With cutting-edge
future-forward ideas like this, no wonder Innovage is the biggest name
in the electronics industry.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot

Features:

• Manages up to eight separate devices
• Compatible with most major brands of AV components
• Code search button discovers device codes automatically
• Programmable power OFF timer
• Extra-large soft-touch buttons for easy navigation
• Jumbo-sized—never misplace your remote control again
• Requires two AA batteries (not included)

In the box:

• 2 Jumbo Remotes
• Instruction Manual

The Internet is a generous mistress. Today she yields these morsels of fascination:

• Has your favorite blog, forum, or link aggregator become infested with Ron Paul acolytes hepped up on too much Ayn Rand? You’ll never get rid of them, so you may as well turn it into a game of Libertarian Troll Bingo.
• If you’ve got a mind that needs to be blown, try this Oriental redux of “Smoke on the Water”. (Contrary to the title on the page, it appears these dudes are Japanese, not Chinese.)
• I promise not to make a joke about how this banana carving is “a-peel-ing”.
• We’ll always have Bikini Bottom: the voices of Spongebob Squarepants overdub classic movie scenes (via Cartoon Brew).
• All the photographic evidence points to a single, damning conclusion: cats hate harnesses.
• However, we are seeing strong indications that cats like to sit in sinks. We will monitor the situation for further developments.

Four O’Clock Flash: the title of the game says Drag the Dot, but it’s easier said than done. (Found here, but that “Toon” guy isn’t me! Seriously!)

If Sandisk wants their Sansa MP3 players
to appeal to a more upscale clientele, they should take a lesson from
the Crates & Barrels and Pottery Barns of the world. Classy
retailers don’t give their products boring, informative color names
like “Silver” or “Pink” – they use sensual euphemisms like “Wheatgrass”
and “Latte” and “Fruit Punch”. You hardly know whether to dry off with
a towel or drink it.

Now, you have your choice of colors today: Pink or Silver, as you prefer. Which is cool, we guess. But wouldn’t it be more cool if you could choose between two intriguing, mysterious, euphemistic color names? Sadly, it isn’t enough to offer a lightweight, hassle-free MP3 player with drag-and-drop file transfer, support for MP3, WMA, and DRM WMA
and Audible files, and a built-in FM tuner. You make a nice steak,
Sandisk, but you need to sell the sizzle. With that in mind, here are
some suggestions for evocative alternatives to boring old silver and
pink.

Silver:

• Drillbit
• Cod
• .38
• Handcuffs
• Meat Cleaver

Pink:

• Tongue
• Open Wound
• Pepto-Bismol
• Diaper Rash
• Whatever You Call That Dessert That’s, Like, Strawberry Jell-O Mixed With Whipped Cream, Maybe With Marshmallows In It? You Know What We’re Talking About?

Warranty: 90 days Woot

Features:

• 1GB of memory plays back over 16 hours of MP3 (240 songs) or 32 hours of WMA (480 songs)
• Supports Microsoft PlaysForSure Downloads and Subscription
• Up to 19 hours continuous playback using one AAA Battery (not included)
• Support for MP3, WMA, and DRM WMA and Audible file formats
• FM tuner with 20 preset stations
• Voice recording with built-in microphone
• Choose to play your favorite track repeatedly, in random sequence, or play all the songs continuously
• Hi-speed USB 2.0 for hi-speed music transfer (backwards compatible to USB 1.1 ports)
• Indigo backlit LCD provides ID3 Tag information (v.1 and 2)
• 5-band equalizer with 5 settings (Pop, Classical, Jazz, Rock, custom)

In the Box:

• 1 Sansa SanDisk M240
• 1 USB Cable
• 1 Set of Earbuds

Do you, Mr. Jones? Do you think you can understand the Halberd KC10011
31pc Roadside Emergency Kit? You might as well try to light a cigarette
without a weatherman. It’s not just one tool. It’s all the tools, it’s
31 different tools including the box. It’s tricky like that, see, just
when you think you got it figured out, BANG

Started
out with a Phillips Head and a Flat Head, just like the toolbox it
modeled itself after. Then someone said you gotta find your own way in
the world. The Halberd KC10011 31pc Roadside
Emergency Kit went on to New York City. People said it was about
pressure, man, there was a Tire Pressure Gauge there all along! Nobody
noticed right away, but when they did it was like he was telling the
future. He was white hot! He was a set of Slip Joint Pliers, pullin’
out the little metal bits society stuck in our shoes. Hallelujah!

Then you know what he did? That Halberd KC10011
31pc Roadside Emergency Kit threw a curve ball. He was a Ten Piece Nut
Driver Set and a pair of Cloth Work Gloves. That’s twelve items, man,
that’s crazy! The world wasn’t ready for that. The Halberd KC10011
31pc Roadside Emergency Kit got booed! Said he was a sell out! He was a
genius, man! Like that guy who upset Karen Carpenter’s brother!

So
what came after that? He was famous, right? It was a whole new time for
him. It was like Twelve Assorted Electrical Terminals And Fuses, he
didn’t know what he was gonna get. The world was changing too, now that
the Halberd KC10011 31pc Roadside Emergency
Kit was a hero he couldn’t just enjoy himself. They watched everything
he did. It was like a world tied up with Electrical Tape.

Where’d
he go? He found something for a while, that’s for sure. Maybe it was a
little place to be happy. Maybe it just kept a part of him safe,
insulated like some Insulated Jumper Cables. Some people blamed it on
the motorcycle accident, some people said that never even happened.
Nobody knew, really. It was just between him and his faith.

Now he’s just another guy with his past in a Hardshell Carrying Case. Yeah, that’s an item too. See? The Halberd KC10011
31pc Roadside Emergency Kit still plays the game. All you can do is
enjoy the ride, and maybe keep one in your car or boat. It ain’t no use
to sit and wonder why, babe. It don’t matter, anyhow.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot

Features:

• Insulated Jumper Cables
• Flat Head Screwdriver
• Phillips Head Screwdriver
• Tire Pressure Guage
• 10-Piece Nut Driver Set
• Slip Joint Pliers
• Cloth Work Gloves
• Electrical Tape
• 12 Assorted Electrical Terminals and Fuses
• Hardshell Carrying Case

In the Box:

• Insulated Jumper Cables
• Cloth Work Gloves
• 6 Electric Terminals
• 6 Electric Fuses
• Tire Pressure Gage
• Flat Head Screwdriver
• Phillips Screwdriver
• 9 Piece Nut Driver Set – 4mm, 5mm, 6mm, 7mm, 8mm, 9mm, 10mm, 11mm, 12mm, with Driver
• Slip Joint Pliers
• Electrical Tape
• Hardshell Case

If there is one thing which will turn a casual internet conversation
into an oily black sludge faster than the sentence “Firefly was
cancelled for a reason”, it’s the question “Which is better, Mac or
PC”? On the one hand, the PC has so many games, freeware applications,
hardware options and ways to emulate other platforms. On the other
hand, the answer is Mac. That’s why we’ve got these Apple Mac Minis
from late 2006.

Now we know, Mac people, late 2006 is light
years in the past as far as technology is concerned. There’s no Leopard
on this thing, only Tiger. Plus the Intel CoreDuo processor is only
1.83Ghz, and you’ll only get 1GB of RAM,
expandable to 2GB. There’s no monitor, mouse or keyboard. But this
isn’t about what you can do. It’s about being cool. Don’t you rock the
party in a vintage jacket? Just think of this as vintage tech. Who
cares if fatty over there can manage to watch Voyager while playing
Portal and opening Photoshop? You’re the one getting the nod from the
bouncer.

This particular Apple Mac Mini is just 2 inches
tall, and 6.5 inches square. You get a Super Drive, which is the one
that burns DVDs, and an 80GB hard drive. There’s a 10/100/1000 Gigabit
Ethernet, so when somebody wants to hear a little dance music, you won’t need to look anywhere but the internet. You’ve also got a FireWire 400, 4 ports of USB 2.0, 1 DVI Out, 1 VGA Out
with included adapter, a combined
Optical Digital Audio In/Audio Line In, and a Combined Optical Digital
Audio Out/Headphone Out. There’s Bluetooth 2.0, a built-in Airport
Extreme 802.11g wireless card, and it comes with iLife ‘06 installed
and an iLife ‘08 DVD in the box. You also
get Front Row and the Apple Remote, which lets you enjoy omni-media
from across the room, like you were Martha Stewart.

Now be
ready, cause a deal like this Apple Mac Mini is gonna scare some
people. Just watch, all the angry PC fans will be in our comments
complaining about typical Mac arrogance and everything that doesn’t
work on OS X. It might even reach the point
that our regular visitors from Whedonesque.com will find it really hard
to keep on message. But don’t let the internoise scare you into
forgetting that the future is brushed metal. And besides, wouldn’t your
iPod be happier with a little friend?

Warranty: 90 Day Woot, Optional 2 Year AppleCare Protection Plan

Features:

• Macintosh OS X.4 Tiger
• 1.8 GHz Intel Core Duo Processor with 667 MHz system bus
• 1 Gigabyte DDR2 SDRAM (2×512mb), Expandable up to 2 Gigabytes
• 80 Gigabyte SATA Hard Drive
• Slot loading superdrive with double layer burning capabilities
• 1 Firewire 400 port
• 4 USB 2.8 ports
• DVI output (with a VGA adapter)
• Built-in 10/100/1000 Base-T (Gigabit) Ethernet
• Built in Airport Extreme (802.11g)
• Built in Bluetooth 2.0+EDR (Enhanced Data Rate)
• iLife ‘06 already installed, come with iLife ‘08 upgrade DVD
• Front Row, allows you to access Movies, Photos, and Songs from your couch with a remote control.
• Headphone and Microphone Mini Jack

In the box:

• Mac Mini
• Apple Remote
• DVI to VGA Video Adapter
• Power Adapter
• AC Cord
• System Restore Software
• System Hardware Test
• iLife ‘08 Upgrade DVD
• Users Guide

Wait! Don’t go home yet! Here comes your Boy Friday, hoisting a platter piled high with delicious low-fat web links:

• One of my favorite things about buying used books is finding random bookmarks between the pages, like those in this collection. Fun fact: I once worked at a bookstore featured on one of these.
• The collapse of the Soviet Union allowed the Russian people new freedom to express themselves in art forms like fiction, music, film, and big cats riding horses.
• I’m not sure how “simple” some of these Simple Yet Incredible Design Marvels are, but I’ll agree that they’re marvelous.
• What happens to all those “19-0″ t-shirts the Patriots printed up? They’re on their way to the developing world, where the grateful recipients will wear them, or possibly sell them on eBay.

Four O’Clock Flash: calling a Flash game “addictive” is as trite as calling an action movie “explosive”. But darned if Orbox B doesn’t earn that hackneyed honor. These puzzle-mazes look simple, but level 6 almost broke me. And there are 24 more levels after that.

Uh-oh. It’s just about Valentine’s Day. And here you are with nothing special for your someone special. Then, a knock at the door. It’s that frivolous little doo-dad you selfishly wasted money on the other night at Woot. Maybe you could wrap that up, and use it as a Valentine’s Day present. But chances are your significant other will kill you if you try that. Unless…

Show us a past or current Woot ingeniously re-purposed to serve as a Valentine’s Day gift.

And just in case you need to be reminded: keep it PG-13.

Post your entry here by 11:59 AM CST on Monday, February 11, 2008 (again, enjoy an extra 12 hours since we were late with the announcement).
Prizes are $20/$50/$100 for 3rd/2nd/1st. The rules and criteria for
winning: our panel of volunteer judges can and will make stuff up as it
goes along. Use Photoshop, linoleum blocks, pastels, MSPaint, cave
painting, tattoos, tribal scarification, whatever, but it’ll only be
judged if it’s visible in our forums as a jpg, gif, or png. As we are
fond of saying, try to keep your maximum width to 450px. If you need a
place to host your pictures, try www.imageshack.ws or www.photobucket.com.
We have no connection to either, but they seem free and easy to use.
And if you want us to be sure your entry was indeed your work, post
links to your source images. The more sure we are that you did your own
work, the more likely we are to consider it for a prize.

beep

Hey Stacy, this is Phil from Electronics
Mart, just checking to see how that Uniden phone is working out for
you. You remember – the TRU12803? Three handsets? The one you bought earlier today? Call me back and let me know how things are going! Bye!

beep

Hi Stacy. Phil again. Just wanted to make sure the Uniden TRU12803’s
5.4 gigahertz wireless signal isn’t interfering with your home wireless
network. I know you said that’s important to you, so, uh, yeah, just
calling to make sure you’re taken care of. I guess you’re not home yet.
Better things to do, I guess. Well, call me back. Bye. And thanks for
shopping at Electronics Mart.

beep

Oh, hey, Stacy, one more thing. Forgot to mention it earlier, but you can store up to 70 numbers in the TRU12803’s
address book. In case you were wondering. I know a woman like you
probably has lots of numbers to keep track of. Maybe you’re talking to
one of those guys now. Lucky guy. K, thanks.

beep

Stacy.
Phil. Listen, uh, did I say something wrong? Are you dissatisfied with
your purchase from Electronics Mart? Because I’ve been calling and
calling, and, well, Stacy, I just don’t understand why you won’t call
me back. Whatever I did wrong, I can’t fix it if you won’t call me
back. It only takes a minute, you know. It’s just common courtesy to
return someone’s calls. Talk to you soon, I hope.

beep

Hey.
It’s me. Again. What’s up, Stace? What’s going on? Where are you? I,
uh, I thought we really made a connection in the store this morning.
Kinda disappointed I haven’t heard from you. Hey, remember when I said
I needed your phone number for our database? Well, actually, we don’t
even have a database. I just wanted it for myself. I don’t do that for
just anybody, you know. So what’s the deal, Stacy? Why’d you give me
your number if you weren’t going to take my calls? Were you just
jerking my chain or what? That the kind of thing you think is funny?
I’m not laughing. I am not laughing. But hey, I’ll forgive you if you
can just call me back. OK? OK? OK. Later, Stacy.

beep

Hey,
I get off work in a couple of hours. Maybe I can come by your place and
we can talk this whole thing over. Obviously, we’ve got some issues to
work out, but I’m ready to talk so we can get past this and move on. I
need directions, though, so call me back. This is Phil, by the way.
From Electronics Mart. OK, bye.

beep

Stacy? Stacy? You there? Dammit. Hey, here’s a fun fact about your new Uniden TRU12803:
with its frequency-hopping spread spectrum (FHSS) technology, your
calls won’t be overheard on anybody else’s cordless phone. Neat, huh?
Kinda like the old “nobody can hear you scream” thing. So yeah, call me.

beep

Stacy!
Still not home, huh? Still not home. Wow. Wow. Listen, uh…I don’t know
who you think you are, but nobody gets away with treating me this way.
Nobody. You understand? You think you can just toy with a man and walk
away like nothing ever happened? You think I’m just going to stand here
and take it while you screen my calls and ignore my messages? You’re
about to get a real hard lesson in reality. I’ll be at Electronics Mart
for another half-hour. Call me back before it’s too late. Goodbye.

beep

Hi
Stace, it’s Phil. Listen, I – I just – I’m sorry I get angry sometimes.
I don’t mean it. I just want to talk. I just want to make sure your
phones are working OK and – and – I just want things to be like they
were this morning. I’m sorry. Please, just – please, I want to make it
right. Call me, please, OK?

beep

Hey,
still haven’t heard from you. Yeah, it’s Phil again. Listen, I’m
conducting a customer service survey on behalf of Electronics Mart, and
I’d like to discuss your recent purchase and your overall buying
experience. And if you don’t call me back, that’s OK - I can keep trying to get ahold of you. I happen to know the Uniden TRU12803
can record up to 14 minutes of messages, so you’ll be hearing from me
an awful lot from now on. I’m looking forward to it, Stacy. Thank you
again for choosing Electronics Mart.

beep

Warranty: 90 Day Woot

Features:

• 5.8GHz
  Frequency-hopping spread spectrum (FHSS) System – Transmits radio
  signals by rapidly switching a carrier among many frequency channels.
  Secures caller privacy while providing long range and clear sound
• Digital
  Answering System with Handset Access – Record up to 14 minutes
  digitally. Quickly review, save, or delete messages you choose. Use a
  personal or pre-recorded outgoing messages. Set the number of rings up
  to 6 and as few as 2. Check your messages or record a new greeting when
  you aren’t at your phone
• Toll Saver setting avoids long
  distance charges. When you call to check your messages, the Toll Saver
  setting will hang up after 2 rings if you do not have any messages
• Supports Call Waiting and up to 30 Caller IDs (Caller ID and Call Waiting are activated by your telephone company)
• Store up to 70 phone numbers alphabetically in the Advanced Address Book, and assign special ring tones to different callers
• Clarity Boost – You can manually improve the clarity by turning Clarity Boost on, if you encounter any interference
• Speakerphone on the handset
• Redial stores up to 5 most recently dialed numbers
• Transfer a call to the 2 other handsets
• Conference call up to 3 handsets
• Use the intercom to talk to the other handsets
• 7 Different ringer types
• Volume control on the earpiece and ringer
• Locate a missing handset by using the paging key

In the box:

• 3 Handsets
• 3 Nickel Metal Hydrate Rechargeable Batteries
• 3 AC Power Adapters
• 2 Charger Stations
• 1 Base Charger with Answering System
• 1 Telephone Cord
• Owner’s Manual

Who’s ready to get WWWOUND UP? Who’s ready for no-holds-barred, cage-match hyperlink action? Who’s ready for a wild hell-ride down the information superhellway? Anybody? Nobody? No?

• Somehow, I’d managed to make it through life without knowing about What’s That Bug?. You send them a picture of a bizarre little beastie in your home or garden, and they tell you what it is. Horsefly maggots! Giant water bugs! Chilean Harvestmen! This site has already changed my life.
• The year: 1959. The place: an America apparently teeming with “mentally ill” homosexual predators. This is the world of Boys Beware, and I’m glad we don’t live there any more.
• Sorry, Detroit: Forbes says you top the list of America’s Most Miserable Cities. But don’t take it personally - these lists are just a bogus exercise in attention-getting. I’ll admit that I was pleasantly surprised not to see St. Louis on this list. Sometimes it seems like lists like these are made just to take shots at my hometown, so I know how it feels.
• I love this look at the evolution of tech company logos. You’ve come a long way, Nokia.

Four O’Clock Flash: engrossing and excruciating, Spin the Black Circle is a series of diabolical gravity puzzles. Play for a while and the black circle won’t be the only thing that’s spinning.

Last week we asked you to show us a poster for a movie based on a lesser-known or less-important holiday. After a late night out celebrating Create a Vacuum Day (that after-party totally sucked), we finally pulled it together to pore over your entries. Yesterday, Feb. 5, was Disaster Day (especially for Mitt Romney), so let’s hope nothing terrible happened to you, such as, oh I don’t know, receiving the Monkey Prize. Now we can all return back to normal as we celebrate Lame Duck Day today, Feb. 6!

First Place - $100

eh270 - Secretary’s Day

Don’t even try to get past her, she ain’t hearin’ it.

Second Place - $50

GodfatherND - Father’s Day

Wait, is this a family movie or a horror movie? Also see GodfatherND’s funny Cinco de Mayo entry.

Third Place - $20

carpenter940 - Mother’s Day

Money, monkey, money, monkey…only one letter separates the two.

Honorable Mentions

easy1 - Easter Sunday

Punxsutawney Phil better watch his back, the Coward Billy Bilby is on the loose!

faithcoaching - Arbor Day 2: The Misty Grove

FC, does your church know what kind of pics you are hosting on their website?

Granos - DST

Bet this movie is a stinker in Indiana. And certain parts of Arizona.

apull - Flag Day

And we always thought of Flag Day as another quiet, innocent holiday. Bonus points for the small print.

intaglio - Cinco de Mayo

But what do they do? Do they save children from eating dry bologna sandwiches? Do they attack evil chefs who make bad tuna salad?

Iambusyeating - Columbus Day

They even invented scopes for their bow and arrows in anticipation of his return!

JoeDeeDee - Passover

I wonder what you’re hiding behind your back, Rabbi?

pute - Cartinuum

It’s a deal you can’t refuse! It used to belong to Jon Voight! It matches your eyes!

fyrefall - Dawn of the Dead Presidents

Fortunately, they all just attack Gerald Ford for not being elected.

Bosko - cherubic Tuezday: Day of the Sumo

“Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulet” If Bubba here trips, we may see a one ton sumo katamari on Mardi Gras day.

Monkey Prize

FedUpOldHag - President’s Day

Ah, the fickle nature of the Liquefy Tool in Photoshop. It works brilliantly in the creation of Beavis from Bill, yet misses the mark in squinting the eyes of President Bush into Butthead. We had our interns research the proper way to “liquefy” government figures into Beavis And Butthead, evidenced here.

Money winners, please email your Paypal info to jtoon@woot.com. Monkey Prize winner, please email your shipping address to jtoon@woot.com. Honorable Mentioneers may use coupon code HONMEN-FS for free shipping on a future order. Until next time, remember–these may be our only movie choices next year if the writers’ strike doesn’t end soon!

Every week in this space, we’ll take
a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary,
analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can
trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

LONDON (AP)—British scientists say they have created human embryos containing DNA
from two women and a man in a procedure that researchers hope might be
used one day to produce embryos free of inherited diseases.

The scientists say they never considered using DNA from two men and a woman, because that just wouldn’t have been as hot.

LOS ANGELES (AP)—Influential
Southern rapper Pimp C died of an accidental overdose of a combination
of drugs he had named in his lyrics—codeine and promethazine, the
county coroner’s office ruled Monday.

Pimp C’s masterwork, Implications Of Path Integral Formulation Through A Six Dimensional Universe Where My Dogs Is At, remains unfinished.

LOS ANGELES (AP)—The
Navy must follow environmental laws placing strict limits on sonar
training that may harm whales, despite President Bush’s decision to
exempt it, a federal judge ruled Monday.

In response,
President Bush has broken all contact with Prince Charles, and has
demanded that Cardiff admit to and conclude the nuclear weapons program
he claims it has been secretly conducting for the past ten years.

HONG KONG (AP)—Hong
Kong media reported Tuesday that journalist Ching Cheong, who was
jailed in mainland China on spying charges, has been released and will
return to Hong Kong.

Mr. Ching’s parents have received the award for Excellence in Naming from the National Academy of Stereotypes.

ST. AUGUSTINE,
Fla. (AP)—A woman pulled over for allegedly running a red light had a
24-pack of beer strapped in with a seat belt but had a 16-month-old
girl unrestrained in the back seat of her car with the toddler’s
mother, authorities said.

In her defense, it’s harder to make more beer.

WORCESTER,
Mass. (AP)—Two men are accused of burning down the birthplace of the
woman made famous by the nursery rhyme “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”.

The ash was white as snow.

You never forget a moment like that. The year was 1991. I was watching SportsCenter
on TV with my dad, wishing I could fly like Michael Jordan or hit like
Reggie White, but knowing I was too slow and heavy to ever make those
dreams come true. Then I saw him. A hero. A titan. A vision in an
overstretched double-knit polo. He was John Daly, he was a champion,
and he looked just like me. That was a powerful idea for an overweight,
lonely 38-year-old kid.

I vowed, then and there, to follow in his deep, deep footsteps.

Well, stuff happens or whatever, so I hadn’t quite gotten around to it yet. But when I saw this 16-piece John Daly XDS
golf set made by Dunlop, the flabby flame was rekindled. It comes with
drivers, irons, a putter, and a carrying bag with a built-in stand:
everything you need to play the Daly way, except for balls, a course,
an ashtray, and a cheeseburger warmer.

Now, I’m new to
golf, and I’m not the kind to patiently work on my game for a long time
before I see results. I want to hit stuff hard and watch it go far. So
the huge driver is perfect for a golf rookie like me – I get out there
and I’m whaling the ball before my pit-stains even show. It’s like
hitting a baseball with a corked aluminum bat on steroids, with extra
pine tar. And when they told me the utility 4-wood was good for hitting
out of trees, well, I knew it was the club for me.

Hey,
sports doesn’t have to be the exclusive preserve of the toned, trained,
and talented. I’ll never steal third base or run a precision seam
route. I’m more likely to slam a fistful of curly fries than a
basketball. And the only “hat trick” I’ll ever do involves hiding a
flask under my stocking cap so the security guards don’t throw me out
of the arena again. But with John Daly’s inspirational example and his
Dunlop clubs, I’m an athlete, too. Or I will be, as soon as I finish
this chili dog.

Warranty: 1 Year Dunlop

Features:

• 4 The Lion Embroidered covers for driver and woods
• Golf club bag with dual padded shoulder strap with built in stand, 7 way top, and 5 easily accessible pockets.
• Titanium Matrix Driver with Premium Mirror Finish
• Forgiving 3 and 5 Fairway Woods
• Graphite Shafts in all Woods
• Premium Head Covers for all Woods
• 4 Hybrid replaces 4 Iron made with a stainless steel shaft and comes with a premium head cover.
• Irons
  made from stainless steel construction with a metal medallion in all
  irons, and has perimeter weighted cavity-back design with a stainless
  steel shaft.
• Mallet style putter with paddle-style grip, stainless steel shaft, and metal medallion in putter.

In the box:

• Golf bag with built in stand and rain cover

Right Handed Woods – graphite regular flex mens shafts

• 460cc Driver with 10 degrees of loft
• 3 Wood
• 5 Wood
• Hybrid 4 Wood – steel regular flex mens shaft

Right Handed Irons – steel shaft, regular flex

• 5 iron
• 6 iron
• 7 iron
• 8 iron
• 9 iron
• Pitching Wedge
• Putter – 35 inches

On this grand day for our republic, when voters in 24 states make their voices heard and influence the future of the nation, the WWWoundup is proud to present a list of links about…furniture. It’s what we in the business call “counter-programming”.

• This summer, all the stylish envelopes will bear these Charles & Ray Eames stamps, saluting the “it couple” of midcentury furniture design. I once embarrassed myself by referring to them as brothers.
• IKEAhacker specializes in modding, hacking, and repurposing furniture from Sweden’s finest. Check out their best IKEA hacks of 2007, and this more involved IKEA bookcase transformation from ReadyMade.
• Which is all well and good, but hardcore DIYers make their furniture from discarded aircraft parts.
• Or suitcases. Makes you realize how ugly today’s luggage is, along with, oh, almost everything else manufactured today.
• Make anything more useful by attaching a drawer to it. Warning: do not attach drawers to children or pets.

Four O’Clock Flash: the Lifetime network is an unlikely source for interesting online games, but I daresay Open House is the best furniture-themed Flash game on the Web.

Super Bowl, schmuper bowl—we spent most of the weekend combing
through our archives looking for forgotten treasures. It wasn’t easy,
it wasn’t rewarding, and it wasn’t even very much fun.

But from literally hundreds of recordings, finally we selected a few that might stand up to a second listen.

So,
just as we promised last week, here’s a plumber’s dozen of the
least-terrible Woot podcasts for your listening pleasure. We’ve also
provided album cover art below, in case your fancy newfangled mp3
player supports it.

Click “read more” to, er, hear more!

01. A Hub A Hub
This song accompanied the Toshiba Docking Station and USB Hub
we sold on July 26, 2006. Of the hundreds of ditties the Woot podcast
team has ground out, this song is probably the acme of our
lyric-writing achievement. See if you’re clever enough to catch the
references to a certain English Romantic poet and Laran, the Etruscan
god of war, in the second verse!

02. I’m Gonna Melt Some Chocolate Down
Like a sexy vampire, the fulsome beat of “I’m Gonna Melt Some Chocolate
Down” nauseates even as it arouses. The song was written for the Salton
Chocolate Treat Maker Two-Pack we ran on December 12, 2006.

03. Stranded In My Car
We’re going to go ahead and claim that the terrifying scenario
described in this song helped us sell a record-setting number of Vector
Jump Start Systems with Air Compressors on September 29, 2006. After
all, no one’s going to go back and check.

04. A Little Chicken Limb
September 18, 2007 was Chicken Day on the Woot network, with a 2-pack
of SnacDaddy wing plates on woot and our “Hot Wings” tee on shirt.woot.
This was the soundtrack that had us all doing the funky farmyard fowl.

05. “Cats & Dogs” Wherever I Go
The date was November 9. The year: 2006. The item for sale on Woot was an Audiovox Portable DVD Player.
The podcast was this heartfelt paean to the 2001 film that remains our
favorite piece in Sean Hayes’s ouevre, which isn’t actually saying all
that much.

06. Kim Jong Il, Would You Please Just Chill?
When North Korean nuke tests were in the news back in October of 2006,
internet users around the world yearned for the in-depth geopolitical
analysis that can only be found in the Woot podcast. They might not
have said so, but they did, they totally yearned. And the podcast team
obliged.

07. Coffee, Coffee, Coffee
Want to know a secret about this podcast for the Cuisinart Grind and
Brew Thermal 10-Cup Coffee Maker we ran on April 24, 2006? No one on
our podcast team even drinks coffee. That sipping sound at the end is just water. Ah, sound effects magic!</