At the roundtable inside Fort Justice, the headquarters of the Super League of Heroes, today:

Nightwitch:
I sense a power rising in the East, a beast of many colors slithering
from the depths to usurp the trophy of power from the red-footed
titans. O deity! The beast is come!

The Green Bomb: And I still say you’re nuts. There’s no way the Devil Rays are going to win the division.

General Freedom:
Can we come to order here? We’ve kept our guests waiting long enough.
We’re here to choose the newest member for the League from these two
fine candidates. We’re not just looking for someone with awesome powers
and a strong jaw – we need a team player, too, the kind who won’t throw a fit when he gets a lame Christmas gift. Now, Captain Sensational II: can you sum up your case for us again?

Captain Sensational II: Well, as you all know, my late father, the original Captain Sensational, was a member of the League for many years.

Sunboy: But that was…

Moongirl: …on Pseudo-Earth, before they…

Sunboy: …retconned it away.

The Ogre: BBBHHHHGGGLLLLL!

Captain Sensational II:
Still, continuity aside, he did good work. I’ve managed to get his old
gravity cuffs working again, and I’m a couple of tweaks away from
fixing the force-belt good as new. Also, as an Urban City police
detective, I’m trained in crimefighting techniques, and I’m in
excellent physical condition. Last week, I made my first bust: a joint
effort by the Super-Krime Kabal and al-Qaeda to feed Urban City
schoolchildren radioactive milk and create a new generation of
super-jihadists. In short, although I still need some seasoning, I
think I’d be an effective and valuable member of the Super League of
Heroes.

General Freedom: You make a strong case, Captain.

The Retributator: His heartbeat checks out. He’s telling the truth. Or believes he is, at least.

The Ogre: RWRWRWRWR!

General Freedom: Now, we’ll hear from our other candidate for League membership, the iRobot Roomba Scheduler 4296.

iRobot Roomba Scheduler 4296: WHRRRRRRR WHRRRRRR WHZZZZZZZZZ VVVMMMMMMMM

Moongirl: What is he…

Sunboy: …talking about?

The Green Bomb: Hey Glinda, can you do anything with this?

Nightwatch: A translation spell…The floorboards gather dust, the carpet’s fraying…o spirits, let us hear what this vacuum is saying!

iRobot Roomba Scheduler 4296:
Uh, hey, guys. What I was trying to say was, my patented three-stage
cleaning system picks up dust, debris, and hair from wood, tile,
linoleum, and low-to-medium-pile carpet. My scheduler lets you set me
to work whenever, so you don’t have to worry about the place being
messy when you come back from fighting Infraworms in the Silicon
Dimension. The virtual wall will keep me from getting zapped by the
lasers in the training room, and my bagless debris bin is a cinch to
empty. Basically, I’m built for capturing evildoers, assuming those
evildoers are really, really tiny.

The Retributator: Would’ve come in handy against Particle Squad.

Sunboy: Not to mention the hairballs…

Moongirl: …a certain League member keeps leaving all over the place!

The Ogre: MMMMMMGRRRRRAWWWWLLL!

Captain Sensational II: With all due respect, I think I’d be a more versatile -

General Freedom:
Sorry, Captain, the time for statements is over. The League will now
retire to closed session to consider the proposed members. Uh, Roomba?

iRobot Roomba Scheduler 4296: What can I do for you, Cap?

General Freedom:
Before we head into the Inner Sanctum, could you have a run around the
room? The Ogre was eating Funyons at the last closed session, and he’s
not the most delicate eater.

The Ogre: GGGGHHHHAAAAAA!

Warranty: 90 days iRobot

Features:

• Case and color may vary based on manufacturer’s choosing. All units include Scheduler technology.
• The Roomba Scheduler cleans around your schedule, making it more autonomous than ever. 
• Scheduling capability allows you to program your Roomba to clean at a preset time, up to 7 different times per week, all at your convenience.
• Scheduling remote allows for programming the cleaning of specific areas
• Scheduling virtual walls automatically turn on when you schedule your Roomba to clean.
• Advanced power system provides up to 120 minutes of cleaning power
• Active Dirt Response detects dirtier areas and automatically increases cleaning intensity
• Automatic stair avoidance system prevents falling down on stairs
• Automatic surface transitioning adjusts entire cleaning head for both carpet and hard floor
• Returns to charging Home Base when re-charging is necessary
• Edge-cleaning side brush grabs dirt and debris from walls and other hard-to-reach areas
• Low-profile design fits under beds, sofas, and other tight spots where conventional vacuums can’t reach
• On-board artificial intelligence navigate between walls and furniture legs and self-adjusts for carpet, tile, and wood floors.
• Multi-Surface Cleaning: hardwood, tile, linoleum, and low-to-medium pile carpet
• Max Mode: run the Roomba for the full charge of the battery to vacuum multiple rooms
• Spot Mode: intensely cleans one area of a room up to 3 feet in diameter
• Status Sensor: Roomba immediately detects when it’s stuck and initiates its careful escape routine
• Remanufactured to “like-new” condition; may contain minor cosmetic blemishes. 90 day manufacturer’s warranty.

Hey, since you lot always post such swell linkage when we open the floor, why not kick a little of that action upstairs to your old pal Mr. Toon? Email me at jason@woot.com (hello spammers!) the next time your fancy is struck by something webwise, and your name will be immortalized in this space. Whee. Now, for a few I ferreted out myself, with a couple of assists from Reddit:

• The noble tradition of Garfield deconstruction reaches a new zenith with Garfield Minus Garfield.
• Stalin, Buddha, and Dickens all make cameos in this list of 8 weird theme parks.
• Words can be art, too, as in these breathtaking typographic posters.
• What’s the over/under for how many of the 10 worst products for men will show up on Woot? I think we’re running that prostate warmer in the next Woot-Off, because nobody likes a cold prostate.
• A hundred bucks could be all you need to own a piece of Detroit.
• Whoa. I thought I just saw some freaky robot eggs. Did somebody slip me something?

Four O’Clock Flash: a typing game? Who cares, right? But Finger Frenzy’s a little different. See how fast you can type the alphabet backwards. My first try took 12.614 seconds, good for 344th place on the high score list. If only I hadn’t stumbled on that stretch from R to J.

Every week in this space,
we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of
commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice
you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads
the Wire.

LONDON (AP)—North
Korean officials have invited rock guitarist Eric Clapton to play a
concert in the Communist state, a diplomat at the country’s embassy in
London said Tuesday.

Clapton will be joined on stage by
Kim Jong Il, who, according to an official statement, will be playing
drums, bass, rhythm guitar, keyboards, triangle, gong, and making a
chocolate souffle while coding a better internet browser and spinning
gold from rubber bands.

NEW YORK (AP)—Mark Twain’s “Is He Dead?” is folding after a three-month run.

Looks like the answer is yes.

LOS ANGELES (AP)—With Vanity Fair sitting out this year’s celebrations, the belle of the Oscar parties was a piano playing Elton John.

Over
seventy five hours went into training the piano. Attendees described it
as charming and most unexpected. The piano will next appear in the West Coast touring company of Spamalot.

LUXEMBOURG (AP)—The
European Court of Justice ruled Tuesday that only the tasty, crumbly
cheese that has been made for some 800 years near the Italian city of
Parma can legally be called Parmesan.

This ruling, coming on the heels of the Philadelphia Cream Cheese Accord of 2007, deals a significant blow to the once-lucrative international cheese black market.

HARARE,
Zimbabwe (AP)—U.S. officials said Tuesday that Washington was concerned
over “ominous signs” Zimbabwe was unprepared to hold free and fair
elections next month.

The press conference was repeatedly interrupted by sixteen Al Gore fans chanting “TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE” over and over again.

LONGYEARBYEN,
Norway (AP)—Norway opened a frozen “doomsday” vault Tuesday deep within
an Arctic mountain where millions of seeds will be stored to safeguard
against wars or natural disasters wiping out food crops around the
globe.

Corn will be played by Scarlet Johansson, while the potato will be played by Clint Howard. Doomsday Vault: in theaters Summer 2009.

WASHINGTON (AP)—A
former White House computer expert says the e-mail system used by
President Bush’s top aides is a “primitive” setup that creates a “high”
risk of losing data.

The expert went on to say that,
nevertheless, Windows Vista had a wonderful media center built right in,
and the translucent window frames were “pretty cool.”

LONDON (AP)—Drug-resistant
tuberculosis is spreading even faster than medical experts had feared,
the World Health Organization warned in report issued Tuesday.

In a related story, the works of the great Russian novelists are selling better than ever.

NEW YORK (AP)—The
company behind the hugely popular video game “Grand Theft Auto” says it
is not going to jump at a $2 billion buyout offer from Electronic Arts
Inc.

At least, not until it takes the boat to
Chavez’s island and meets Dominic Cassiel, then does the pizza
delivery mission to unlock the Sniper Rifle, then scores at
least 80% on the Hang Gliding mission to unlock the armored Ferrari and
meet Diana at the bar on Snowy Point.

VANCOUVER,
British Columbia (AP)—A farmer convicted of butchering six women and
feeding them to his pigs may not go to trial for the 20 other deaths he
is charged with, British Columbia’s attorney general said Tuesday.

The
attorney general said he is rethinking the case after finding a
spider’s web above the pig pen that reportedly displayed the words
“Some Maniac”.

“Hi, Allen. Say, I think your computer is on fire!”

“Oh, crap!” HOOOOOSH “I think that got it.”

“Glad you’re not treating me any differently since my promotion!”

“Yeah,
sorry you had to see that, Phil. It’s been so hard to keep things
stable recently. It’s just all the volatile memory I’ve been using.”

“I understand, Allen. I used to be just like you.”

“Really, Phil? But you’re always so calm… so collected… your data right at hand! What’s your secret?”

“I’ll show you, Allen. It’s this!”

“The Dane-Elec 2GB SD Card!”

“That’s right, Allen. The Dane-Elec 2GB SD Card stores any kind of file, from MP3 to jpg to MOV to XLS and EXE!”

“Even ogg?”

“Even
ogg! But good luck playing it here at work, you communist! Ha ha, I’m
just kidding, Allen. There’s room for all faiths at this company.”

“Wow, Phil, you’ve changed my life! So no more explosions?”

“No more explosions, Allen. The Dane-Elec 2GB SD Card
uses a special non-volatile memory system, compatible with practically
all devices that have an SD card reader slot. And non-volatile means no
more workplace explosions.”

“It even has a jewel case, Phil! I don’t know how to thank you for-”

“Oh, crap!” HOOOOOSH

“Sounds like Jenkins over there across the room needs a Dane-Elec 2GB SD Card too. Why don’t you go straighten him out… now that you’re the new floor manager.”

“Phil, you’re the greatest boss I’ve ever had.”

“I’m not just a boss, Allen… I’m a friend.”

Warranty: 5 Year Dane-Elec

Features:

• 2 Gigabytes of non-volatile memory
• Write protection switch
• Data transfer rate of 66x or 10 Megabits per second
• Asymmetrically shaped to ensure the card is not inserted upside down
• 8 Pin connection
• Operating voltage – 2.7 to 3.3 volts

In the box:

• Dane-Elec 2 Gigabyte Secure Digital Card
• Jewel Case

Hmmm, things took an unexpectedly political turn with today’s WWWoundup links. Must be in the air - when your business is chronicling the absurd and fascinating, you’re bound to find plenty of both during campaign season.

• The massive Encyclopedia of Life is now up and running - well, assuming you can get past the launch-day server crunch. My request for information about our house centipedes (or, as my wife calls them, “fake eyelash bugs”) couldn’t get through.
• My First Privacy Invasion: it’s the new Scan-It toy airline security scanner.
• Whatever your politics, the similarities between Hillary Clinton and Election’s Tracy Flick are uncanny.
• Less divisively, citizens are also voting on the world’s coolest swimming pools. I like the “inverse pool” myself.
• Young Idahoans of all stances, the time has come to tap foot for internship.
• Whether you’re a glutton for punishment or an aspiring interrogator, you’re sure to get down with the “Torture Playlist” - music that’s been used in military prisons and bases to drive detainees nuts. I don’t even need to listen to it to see why.

Four O’Clock Flash: for those who want a Flash game that will kill more than just a few minutes, here’s the Red Bull Flugtag Flight Lab. Building a working aircraft - even a virtual one - is going to take you awhile. As seen on ThinkBDA.

1. The Grapes of Wrath: It was Earth all along!
2. Finnegan’s Wake: One of the bank robbers is a cop!
3. The Wooster & Jeeves stories: The butler did it! A lot of it, anyway!
4. The Bell Jar: A little girl discovers the true meaning of Christmas!
5. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer: He’s already dead!
6. Treasure Island: The whole thing happened inside an autistic kid’s snowglobe!
7. Heidi: RAIDERS WIN!! RAIDERS WIN!!
8. Atlas Shrugged: Ron Paul loses in a landslide!
9. The Brothers Karamazov: They’re in a child’s doll house!
10. On The Road: The whole thing turns out to be of no real interest!
11. 1984: Reagan gets re-elected!
12. Catch 22: He loved Big Brother!
13. Middlemarch: George Eliot is a WOMAN!
14. Scoop: Evelyn Waugh is a MAN!
15. The Great Gatsby: It’s a cookbook!

During the recent woot-off, the forums were abuzz with complaints
about our copy writing team. Always sensitive to the needs of our stupid valued customers, we at Woot have decided to add a new member to our staff. Please welcome, a Greek Chorus.

We thrill to be in your employ
Yet there are those you still annoy

We
feel a Greek Chorus will serve to make our faults clear as we attempt
to bring you the finest products the world has to offer. Like today’s LG Electronics MSP-100 Portable Stereo Speaker 2 Pack.

Little speakers, quite the sound
Yet look there! As that man scrolls down!

Well, you can’t please everyone. But the LG Electronics MSP-100
Portable Stereo Speaker 2 Pack sure comes close. They’re small and easy
to carry, and they’ll work with anything that takes a 2.5mm or 3.5mm
mini jack. That means MP3 players, cellphones, CD players, radios, you name it!

Pushy will keep them on the shelf
You must trust your product to sell itself.

But
how else will people know that these speakers have a 36mm diameter and
sound really good, given the size? Can I at least tell them about the
500mAh Li-ion rechargeable battery? That’s not poor salesmanship, is it?

Travelers come from near and far
yet you never take them home from bars.

I
guess that’s a good point. Maybe I’ll just mention the 3 foot 2.5mm
audio cable and the additional 3 foot 2.5mm to 3.5mm audio cable. Or
the included Power Charger and pouch.

You came so close to a success
but now you’ve only made a mess.

Greek Chorus, I don’t think that’s fair.

Your wife is cheating on you.

What?

The Northern Gate has fallen
to woad-encrusted Picts.

I’m starting to think that a Greek Chorus can’t deliver anything but bad news.

You’re fat and those pants are ugly.

This LG Electronics MSP-100 Portable Stereo Speaker 2 Pack is a great deal, everyone. Sorry about the… you know.

A minotaur ate your cat.

Warranty: 1 Year LG Electronics

Features:

• Compatible with music phones, MP3 players, notebook PCs and other devices with an earphone jack
• 2W speaker system with digital amplifier lets you share your favorite tunes
• Easy-to-carry, pocket-sized design is perfect for travel
• Dedicated mini USB charger; up to 10 hours of playback time with the internal battery
• 500mAh Li-ion rechargeable battery recharges in under 90 minutes via USB
• Power button saves battery life; 2 LEDs show charging and power status
• Includes mini USB charger, pouch, audio cable 2.5mm to 2.5mm, 2.3mm to 3.5mm adapter
• Weighs 2.7oz and measures 3.5 x 1.7 x 0.8
  

In the box:

• MSP-100 Portable Stereo Speaker
• 3 Foot 2.5mm Audio Cable
• 3 Foot 2.5mm to 3.5mm Audio Cable
• Power Charger
• Pouch
• Users Manual

Take heart, fellow cubicloids! Monday’s almost over - and here comes the WWWoundup to inject some nitro into your afternoon so you can kick hard to finish line. Burn, baby, burn:

• The best review of Star Wars by a three-year-old ever.
• Sometimes the only “media bias” I can see is a bias toward stupidity. Didn’t it occur to anybody at the paper that maybe that wasn’t the most appropriate juxtaposition of headlines?
• Although the layout appears screwy to me, this roundup of History’s Most Overlooked Mysteries is worth scrolling down for.
• Which is grosser/funnier/both: this delicate kittenflower or this unfortunate accident?
• Live hot owl webcam action!

Four O’Clock Flash: you might say Grid 16 is old news. I say it’s fun news. 16 simple games - but all at once. As seen on Fark.

The General watched on the radar screen as the missile veered
harmlessly away from the rogue satellite. A groan of dismay arose under
the fluorescent lights of the control room. With one corner of his
mouth twitching like it does whenever he gets mad, the General turned
toward the Colonel. “Well, there goes another ten million of taxpayer
money,” he spat. “Any more bright ideas? Or are we finally gonna do
this right?”

“Sir, with all due respect, I don’t believe Plan MP3 is the most effective option -”

“Fine!”
the General roared. A startled hush fell over the room. Underlings
tried to pretend they hadn’t noticed the outburst. “So you don’t
think we should launch a bunch of low-cost Sandisk Sansa e270 players
into space to knock the satellite off course. What exactly is your
quarrel with the idea, Colonel? And don’t pee on my roast beef and tell
me it’s au jus.”

“General, the Sandisk Sansa e270 6GB Media Player & FM Tuner
is far too valuable to national security to deploy in this manner.
Frankly, although it can hold some 1,500 or so songs, it’s more than
just a music player. It can also display videos and photos on its 1.8” TFT
color screen, receive FM radio, and record radio and voice. These
mission-critical functions make it a poor fit for a battering ram.”

The
General stared at an invisible horizon somewhere beyond the command
center walls. “Well, then, Colonel,” he sighed, “suppose you tell me
what our other options are, besides twiddling our thumbs waiting for
this satellite to turn us all into fajita meat.”

“As it
happens, sir, there is another player we could launch in bulk into
space. But it might not be, er, politically expedient.” The Colonel
paused a moment. Then another moment. Then half of a third moment.
Finally: “The iPod Shuffle.”

He waited for the slack-jawed
General to upbraid him for his insanity. Instead, the senior officer
smiled broadly. “Isn’t that the player with no screen, hardly any
controls, and one-sixth the storage space as the Sandisk Sansa e270 6GB
Media Player?”

“The same.” The idea hung there in the silence. The general spoke.

“Then damn what the fanboys think. Start the countdown.”

Hey, if you buy this, you’ll need to download the manual and the SanDisk Media Converter software.
 

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• 6GB of storage space
• Transfer your music by drag and drop method, or use Windows Media Player to synchronize them to the Sansa player.
• 1.8” TFT color screen
• Alloy metal casing with scratch resistance surface
• Backlit controls
• Replaceable
  and rechargeable Lithium Ion battery for up to 20 hours of battery life
  (Battery Life Based on Continuous, Standard Playback, 128 Kb MP3 file)
• MicroSD expansion slot for additional storage capacity
• Supports SanDisk TrustedFlash™-enabled cards and Gruvi content cards
• Digital FM tuner, on-the-fly FM recording, and voice recording
• Supports most subscription based music stores
• Supports MP3, WAV, WMA, secure WMA, and Audiobook files. Other file types need to be converted to these formats.
• Supports JPEG, TIFF, PNG, BMP, and GIF photo files. Needs to be loaded through the Sansa Media Converter.
• Supports AVI, MPEG-1 & MPEG-2 in MPEG, MPG, MPE or VOB (unprotected) formats. MPEG-4 in AVI format, DAT, ASF, QuickTime MOV, and WMV video files. Needs to be loaded through the Sansa Media Converter.
• Personalize your music experience with the EQ effect

Minimum System Requirements:

• Windows XP
• Windows Media Player 10+
• Intel Pentium class PC or higher
• USB 2.0 port required for hi-speed transfer

In the box:

• Sansa e270 Music Player
• Sansa USB Cable
• Sansa Ear Buds

A monsignor crosses a square in Torino. Amid the sounds of pigeons
on the cobblestones, he thinks he hears a whisper: “160GB 7200rpm
Serial ATA hard drive.” He looks around, sees no one, shudders.

In a darkened bedroom in the Missouri countryside, a boy jerks upright and screams: “Dual-layer DVD burner.” His parents awaken and rush to his room, only to find their son sleeping peacefully.

In the middle of a news report on a rediscovered cache of wine, a Glasgow anchorwoman blurts, “One gig DDR
memory.” She cannot explain why. All recordings of the program show
only a half-second of static at the precise point when the incident
occurred.

Two archaeologists in a cavern in Chile uncover
what appear to be words hewn in the rock: “Decent Athlon 64 processor.”
As one turns to ask the other what it means, tremors wrench the cavern.
The archaeologists barely escape the cave-in with their lives, and
never speak of the incident again.

A woman is pulled,
unconscious, from turbulent waters off of Hokkaido. In bed at a nearby
hospital, she suddenly opens her eyes, murmurs, “Open PCI-E slot, for upgrading to a better video card,” and expires.

Shadows
are falling. Forces are shifting. Something dark and wet and affordable
crawls onto the stage, groaning an unholy dirge of corruption. In a
million nightmares at once, a single profane phrase echoes like the
wild eep of the damned…”Acer Aspire T180-UA380B Desktop Computer.”

So there I was. In the middle of a school gym, upside down, in the
front seat of a Volkswagen with Willie Nelson. Ninjas everywhere!
Willie turned to me and said “Well, guess this is it.” But I had my
Storm Sentinel 6 Piece Survival Kit. I said “Willie, help me make it
through the night.” and he said “That was actually Kris Kristofferson.”
But by then I was in motion.

I was a blur, a deadly,
cranking blur. In one hand I held the handpowered cell phone charger.
In the other, the hand powered flashlight. The first ninja was not
ready for a blast from the quick-charging LED with a 15,000 hour lifespan. I threw the cell phone charger attachments at the second: Nextel, Audiovox, Nokia, K700, A288, LG6000, V3, V998,
each one finding their mark in a pressure point, until the second ninja
went down in a twitching, helpless mass of silk and subterfuge. I
shouted “Kiss an angel good morning!” and heard Willie call back “That
was Charlie Pride!” I turned towards the Volkswagen to look at him.

Just
over Willie’s left shoulder I saw the third, and most dangerous, of all
the ninjas. “Willieeeeeeeeeeeeee!” I screamed as I ran, reaching into
my Weatherproof Nylon Carrying Case for my 4-in-1 keychain. The
magnifying glass? The compass? The thermometer? No, my friends, not
this strategist. I grabbed the whistle and blew like my life depended
on it. The ninja grabbed at me, but the sound was too much. He melted
away, as ninjas often do. “Like watching flowers on the wall,” I
whispered, and heard Willie say “That was the Statler Brothers!” in a
weak voice. But that didn’t matter. Willie and I were safe.

I helped Willie to his feet and we shook hands. “Sure wish I had a guitar, or maybe some mead.” he said. “We could celebrate!”

“No
worries, Willie.” I took the hand powered shortwave radio from the
portable Aluminum case. “This here radio will let us listen to AM, FM,
or even the Shortwave band. That’s as pretty as a coat of many colors.”

“That was Dolly Parton,” Willie sighed. “Do you even know who I am?”

And that, children, is the true story of the day I murdered Willie Nelson.

Warranty: 90 Day Storm Sentinel

Features:

• Hand powered cell phone charger works with most cellphones
• The cell phone charger provides approximately 6 minutes of talk time and 30 minutes on standby for two minutes of cranking
• Aluminum case that is portable, weather resistant, and fits all of the emergency tools
• Hand powered AM/FM/Shortwave radio, also runs on 2 AA batteries
• Listen to amateur radio with the shortwave tuner.
• One minute of powering the radio can provide up to 30 minutes of playing time
• Hand powered and quick charging LED flash light. The battery is designed to be recharged up to 600,000 times, and the life of the LED light lasts up to 15,000 hours
• Sturdy aluminum case can be used to fend off zombies

In the box:

• Radio Flash Light Combo
• Hand Powered Flashlight
• Hand Powered Cellphone Charger
• Cellphone Charger Attachments – Nextel, Audiovox, Nokia, K700, A288, LG6000, V3, V998
• Nylon Weatherproof Carrying Case
• 4 in 1 Compass, Thermometer, Magnifying Glass, and Whistle
• Aluminum Storage Case

Sorry I took a powder yesterday. I hope this bounty of extra-awesome links makes up for it. Enjoy them - and your weekend. I know I will. Enjoy my weekend, I mean. Not yours. Unless you’re inviting me along.

• Brace yourself for the funniest thing you’ve seen this week: 41 Hilarious Science Fair Experiments.
• I have stairs in my home. I have so many books I have to keep most of them in boxes. So how come I never thought of the amazing bookshelf staircase?
• LION ATTACK…of love!
• Why bother translating what the people in this Indian music video are saying when you can just interpret it phonetically as English? This tactic gets even more hilarious when applied to the Indian version of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”.
• Far creepier and not at all funny: the mystery of Dyatlov pass.
• If life is just a game, this artist says that game is Space Invaders.

Four O’Clock Flash: balancing a scale is more fun than it sounds in Mass Attack. It’s all about the fine motor control.

Sure, we enjoy the natural beauty of Earth and the wonders man has created. Except for one thing: where are the ads? After years of conditioning watching concerts, sporting events, and TV, we just don’t feel comfortable anymore unless some percentage of our field of vision is taken up by corporate logos. Please, won’t you help rectify this crucial advertising deficiency, and restore our marketing equilibrium?

Put a corporate logo on a natural or man-made wonder. And make it funny somehow.

Post your entry here by 11:59 AM CST on Monday, February 25, 2008
(yeah, yeah, we know). Prizes are
$20/$50/$100 for 3rd/2nd/1st. The rules and criteria for winning: our
panel of volunteer judges can and will make stuff up as it goes along.
Use Photoshop, linoleum blocks, pastels, MSPaint, cave painting,
tattoos, tribal scarification, whatever, but it’ll only be judged if
it’s visible in our forums as a jpg, gif, or png. As we are fond of
saying, try to keep your maximum width to 450px. If you need a place to
host your pictures, try www.imageshack.ws or www.photobucket.com.
We have no connection to either, but they seem free and easy to use.
And if you want us to be sure your entry was indeed your work, post
links to your source images. The more sure we are that you did your own
work, the more likely we are to consider it for a prize.

There’s a joke about Calvin Coolidge that goes like this: A mangoes to a fancy dinner and is seated next to the taciturn President.The man says, “Sir, my wife bet me a dollar that I couldn’t make yousay three words.” Coolidge replies, “You lose.”

Despitehis reputation, Coolidge was the first president to deliver a radioaddress, on this day in 1924. It is in his honor that we offer thePinnacle PCTV HD Pro Stick.

The Pinnacle PCTV HD ProStick lets you pull HD signals from the air like they were dragonfliesand you were the tongue of a big ol’ bullfrog. It works with yourlaptop (or PC) via the USB 2.0 poweredTuner. It would even work on a Mac if you could find Mac software tosupport it, since said software is not included. Sorry, Appley-cants,we really tried our best to find you a link.

But once youget it running, hook up an antenna and start watching high-quality tvon your own terms. You can use TimeShifting to watch your shows whenyou want to watch them, using your Pinnacle PCTV HD ProStick like a Digital Video Recorder. Pause, rewind, replay, you can usethe Electronic Program Guide to schedule all your electronic programs,like Automan or Misfits of Science. Prep that episode of Lost for youriPod or edit your own Deal Or No Deal boxed set. As far as we’reconcerned, you just can’t have too much Howie!

The includedremote means you don’t even have to get up. You get cables, batteries,the antenna, and a CD with PC software for Windows XP and Vista (if you have Vista Home Premium or Ultimate, you don’t even need the Pinnacle software). Who needs a tv?Not you! Save those for the suckers and the Apple people! You’re dragracing towards Future Canyon at a billion miles an hour! And who’s yourco-pilot? The Pinnacle PCTV HD Pro Stick, that’s who.

Warranty: 90 Day Pinnacle Systems

Features:

• Watch live high quality digital HD and SD TV without service fees from anywhere on your laptop
• Break free and PlaceShift with the sleek USB 2.0 powered portable PCTV device
• Sit back and relax from afar with full remote control access
• The options are unlimited with full support for both analog (NTSC) and digital (ATSC) reception
• Instantly transform your PC into a personal digital video recorder (DVR)
• Take complete control of when you watch your favorite shows with TimeShifting
• Never miss a critical part of your favorite show again with pause, rewind and replay
• Schedule recordings with the integrated Electronic Program Guide
• Turn your Microsoft Windows XP Media Center Edition (MCE) computer into a full featured analog and digital TV set (MCE remote sold separately)
• Eliminatethe guess work by automatically recording shows direct-to-DVD and/or inthe destination file format of choice (i.e. iPod, PSP, DivX, etc.)
• Capture from most consumer devices with analog outputs (e.g. VCRs, camcorders, DVD players, etc.) and then edit and enhance with the included Pinnacle Studio QuickStart software

Minimum System Requirements for PC:

• Windows XP with SP2 or Windows Vista (Vista Certified)
• Intel Pentium 4 2.4 GHz, Pentium M 1.3 GHz or AMD Athlon 64 processor (for HDTV reception, a Pentium D or Pentium Dual Core or equivalent AMD Athlon 64 processor is recommended)
• RAM: Windows XP - 256MB RAM (512MB recommended); Windows Vista - 512 MB (1GB recommended)
• DirectX® 9 or higher compatible graphics card (64 MB real memory required for HD)
• DirectX 9 or higher compatible sound card (Creative® Audigy® or M-Audio® recommended)
• 1 GB of disk space to install software (20 GB recommended for TV recording)
• USB 2.0 port
• CD or DVD-ROM drive to install software

In the box:

• USB 2.0 TV tuner for ATSC/NTSC reception
• Mini remote control 
• Telescopic antenna with magnetic base
• A/V adapter cable
• USB extender cable
• 2 “AAA” batteries
• Printed QuickStart guide
• CD with Pinnacle MediaCenter for PC (Macintosh software not included)

Last week we asked you to show us where one or more of the products from the current Woot-Off will be, and what they’ll be doing, a year from now. We’re not sure why, but most of you thought the Woot-Off products took a turn for the worse. What about the ones who really made it out there in the world? What about the products that are living the good life because the Pitt-Jolies purchased them out of obscurity? Ah well, we s’pose it’s easier to dwell on the negative.

First Place - $100

mwiseman - Uh Oh

Honey, I know our insurance policy covers “falling aircraft”…did they specify the size of the aircraft?

Second Place - $50

Xexus - Photo Paper Illusion

See that boat out there? The Deep Thought? Don’t you see it? It’s right there. Right THERE.

Third Place - $20

faithcoaching - Pistachio Overdose

Also see faithcoaching’s McCain entry. You kids get off my blue carpet!

Honorable Mentions

markviens - SmartPost Strikes Again

The sad yet accurate outcome for literally thousands of woot items every day.

jbedwar - Striking Roombas

The sad yet accurate outcome for literally thousands of woot items every day.

Orcrist42 - New Aquarium Species

Is the Power Squid reproducing with the electric eel? Awww, look at the cute baby squeels!

plinth - 2009: A Woot Odyssey

Plinth shares with us an exclusive look at a scene from the new movie!

gbicer - Foreclosure Tracker

The saddest entry of them all.

apull - Eyes Eyes Baby

All the boys think she’s a spy, she’s got–Logitech Quickcam Chat Webcam eyes.

SailorSpoon - Vistapology

Aww, we have to wait a whole year for this?!

tehpwnerer - Soliciting Device

Tsk tsk tsk, has it really come to this? I suppose you’re stealing electricity, too. And it looks like you flunked out of first grade math.

Monkey Prize

plinth - Spongebob Glowpants

You wont believe what I found in my sock last night! Go ahead, guess!

Money winners, please email your Paypal info to jtoon@woot.com. Monkey Prize winner, please email your shipping address to jtoon@woot.com. Honorable Mentioneers may use coupon code HONMEN-FS for free shipping on a future order. Until next time, remember–no matter what Woot-Off item you purchased this time around, give it all the love and nurturing it needs…keep it nice and shiny, at least until the garage sale in April.

Anyone who’s road-tripped knows: A good navigator is hard to find.
And a bad navigator—well, he’ll flat ruin your drive. I should know. I
myself am a poor navigator.

Don’t get me wrong. I can read
a map and plot a route. I have a reasonably good sense of direction and
keen eyesight for reading highway signs at long distances. I know how
early to tell the driver what the next turn’s going to be.

My
problem—and maybe you know someone who shares it—is that once I get
involved in the driving process, it’s hard for me not to get fully
involved. I keep an eye on the speedometer. I check the blind spot when
the driver’s changing lanes. I perform a series of brief public service
announcements about turn signals. I’ve yet to share the front seat with
a driver who has appreciated any of this.

It’s a character flaw, I guess.

This
past weekend, I went on a long passenger-seat-drive across a scenic,
snowy swath of the northeast. I was a gushing fountain of unsolicited
advice! At the end of the trip—immediately after I made my usual
parking-brake recommendation—my travel companion suggested (with some
exasperation in her voice) that before our next weekend getaway, maybe
I ought to get my driver’s license.

Well, screw that! I don’t want my biometrics on file with the DMV! (Do driver’s licenses have RFID yet? They will.)

Instead I’m picking up the Amcor 3900 portable GPS
unit. While I doze on my buckwheat travel pillow, it’ll call out clear
directions in any of 21 languages—and it doesn’t know how to critique
your driving in any of them.

Its three-and-a-half-inch
full-color touchscreen offers smooth panning and a quick, responsive
zoom. If you miss a turn or ignore its advice, it won’t sigh pointedly;
it just gets to work on the new route. It even plays mp3s—and lets the
driver pick what to listen to! (In this respect, too, it’s much more
gracious than I. I make special road-trip mixes to play when I’m
navigating. But you’d like them; they’re themed.)

Obviously, the Amcor 3900 is a much better navigator than I am. But I’m not worried it’ll completely replace me. After all, it can’t split the cost of gas! Or dig around the front seat for correct change at toll booths!

Yet.

Warranty: 1 Year Amcor

Features:

• Includes maps of Hawaii, Alaska, Puerto Rico, Canada, and the contiguous 48 states.
• 3.5” LCD color screen at 320×240 pixels
• Touch sensitive screen, use the stylus or your finger
• Enter your destination by address, point of interest, or by GPS coordinates. GPS coordinates are based on the WGS84 earth model.
• Points
  of interest include Transportation, Shopping, Entertainment, Culture,
  General Services, Sports Recreation, Food and Drink, Artificial
  Landmark, Lodging, Hospitals and Clinics.
• SD Card Slot – Map data stored on a 1GB SD Card
• Features Tele Atlas digital maps (2007 version)
• Samsung 400Mhz Processor
• 3.5 Mini Stereo Jack
• 350 cd/m2 LCD brightness
• USB Port
• Samsung 400mhz Processor
• 64MB SDRAM
• Rechargeable li-ion battery – 3 hours battery life
• Built in speaker
• Microsoft Windows CE. Net 5.0 Core Version Operating System
• Plays MP3 and MP4 files
• Dimensions – 180mm tall by 102mm wide

In the box:

• Amcor 3900 GPS unit
• Stylus
• 1GB SD Card
• Car Charger
• Windshield Mount
• Quick Start Guide
• DVD with back up data and manuals

What have I been doing today in lieu of actual productive work? Looking at this stuff:

• One of the things I really miss about late-night TV is the signoff. As a kid, when I heard the phrase “This concludes our broadcast day”, or the strains of the “Star-Spangled Banner”, I knew I’d stayed up really, really late. Now, the programming never ends, it just turns into infomercials. Relive the late nights of your youth (or my youth, anyway) with the collection of signoff clips at TV Signoffs.
• Hold onto your adult undergarments as io9 examines the legend of the “Brown Note”. Ewww.
• The unexpected solution to the housing finance crunch: homes made of straw. Yeah, but how do you keep the Big Bad Wolf out?
• Presenting the best online catalog page ever! (Hint: if you’re not seeing any animation on that page, you’re missing it.)

Four O’Clock Flash: good thing we don’t call this the “Four O’Clock Flash Game”, because Scribbler is more of a toy. Indeed, creator zefrank calls it that. You draw something, set some options, and your drawing gets scribbled up.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news
and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop
jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds
you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

MOSCOW (AP)—Algeria
has demanded that Moscow take back several MiG fighter jets supplied
under a major arms deal because of quality concerns, dealing a painful
blow to Russian pride, news reports said Tuesday.

So everyone start looking forward to the next Woot-Off!

MIDLAND, Mich. (AP)- This stuffing was
hot, but not in the roasted turkey sense. Police have arrested a
32-year-old man they accuse of stealing 217 cases of Pepperidge Farm
stuffing mix.

The suspect’s attorneys argue that he
would not have committed the crime had he been able to find treatment
for his stuffing addiction.

TULSA,
Okla. (AP)- More than a dozen Arkansas-based poultry companies have
violated state and federal laws limiting the disposal of animal waste
in the Illinois River watershed, argues Oklahoma’s attorney general.

The
contamination first came to light when swimmers reported an unexplained
rise in water temperature around a chicken swimming nearby.

CALCUTTA,
India (AP)—Forest guards tranquilized and then rescued a pregnant
tigress from a date palm tree after it strayed into a village near the
Sunderbans Tiger Reserve in eastern India, an official said Tuesday.

This
event has inspired dozens of tributes on deviantart.com, ranging from a
manga where a young Japanese boy is the father, to a short story where
the date palm tree is a hermaphrodite made of helium balloons, to a
painting of the tigress sprawled in a passionate moment with some kind
of half-dinosaur, half-horse thing.

ANN ARBOR TOWNSHIP,
Mich. (AP)- Students in a University of Michigan biology project had
been assigned to grow herbs, vegetables, annuals and perennials. Police
are trying to find out whether someone’s green thumb also was being
used to grow pot.

Pottery and metalworking classes will also come under investigation after reports of rampant bong construction.

NEW YORK (AP)-
A skittish kitten that scampered out of its carrier on a subway
platform has been found after 25 days in the underground tunnels.

John
Hughes immediately paid the kitten a reported $1.7 million for the
movie rights to its story. Chris Columbus is slated to direct.

WASHINGTON (AP)—A
frog the size of a bowling ball, with heavy armor and teeth, lived
among dinosaurs millions of years ago—intimidating enough that
scientists who unearthed its fossils dubbed the beast Beelzebufo, or
Devil Toad.

There’s really nothing we can add to that.

El Jefe: First, I want to say muchas gracias to
everybody who put together this retirement party: my brother, of
course, but also the tireless cadres of the Party, and of course, the
workers and peasants of this little island nation, who have shown time
and again that they bring the strongest, most resolute fortitude to the
struggle against the imperialists. Let us recall the outrage of Playa
Girón, where the cat’s paw of Yanqui domination -

Little Brother: Eh, hermano?
I know you like to talk, but the ice cream is melting in the heat. I’m
not going back to Coppelia to stand in line for an hour again. Perhaps
we should open the presents now, yes?

El Jefe: Look
at my little brother! Merely an acting president, for now, but already
giving me orders! OK, let’s open the presents. I don’t know how much
time I have left. Hmmm – I wonder what’s in here…who’s this one from?

The Foreign Minister: Me, el Jefe. Just a little something I picked up abroad.

El Jefe: Well, I hope the man who sold it to you wasn’t working for the CIA! Now, let’s see….how do you – this tape, it’s – anybody got a knife? Or a key or something?

The Foreign Minister: Allow me, el Jefe.

El Jefe: There we go, there we go. What do we have here? A Remington R-450 Cordless Shaver?

The Foreign Minister: Indeed, el Jefe.
I thought a man in your position would appreciate the gentle
ministrations of its three floating heads. The titanium-coated twin
blades stand firm in their rejection of whiskers, and this have 50%
more cutting slots than the usual razor, so it’ll cut faster with less
irritation. Also, it’s rechargeable, which could come in handy given
the, er, occasional interruptions of electrical service carried out by
imperialist saboteurs.

El Jefe: Hm.

Little Brother: Wasn’t that nice, hermano? The finest shaver the Yanquis offer, at this price range, anyway.

El Jefe: Hm.

The Foreign Minister: I, uh, hope you like it?

El Jefe: Let me ask you something. What I said about the CIA before – was I correct?

The Foreign Minister: I don’t understand.

El Jefe: Did the CIA pass this shaver to you to give to me?

The Foreign Minister: Of course not, el -

El Jefe: Because the only people I know who have been trying to get rid of my beard are the CIA!
As both source and symbol of my masculine power, this beard has been
the target of countless covert dirty tricks for the last 50 years, as
you well know. Now here you come, in our vulnerable moment of
transition, with a fancy cordless razor, to tempt me into freely giving
up that which the imperialist agents have never been able to take away?
Scandalous! You can send your CIA paymasters your report from prison!

Little Brother: You pig! You swine! You Judas of a whore!

The Foreign Minister: No, no, el Jefe, I assure you, please! ¡Perdoname!
I’m entirely loyal to the Revolution! I just thought you might enjoy
the Remington R-450’s close, comfortable shave, but only for the
occasional trim! Please, don’t imprison me! Please, I couldn’t -

El Jefe: Ah, I’m just messing with you.

Little Brother: You should’ve seen your face!

The Foreign Minister: Heh. Very, uh, very funny, el Jefe.

El Jefe:
Seriously, thanks for the Remington. It will be nice to have a decent
electric razor instead of those ancient Czechoslovakian ones we have
around here. Now who’s ready for ice cream?

The Foreign Minister: I am, el Jefe.

Warranty: 2 Year Remington

Features:

• Titanium coated twin blade technology
• 3 independently floating heads
• Locking pop-up trimmer
• Corded and cord free use
• 30 minute cordless run time
• Charging indicator
• Removable head and cutter assembly

In the box:

• Remington R-450 Shaver
• Power Cord
• Cleaning Brush
• Storage Pouch
• Head Guard

Certain words, when plugged into a search engine (especially Google Blog Search), are almost guaranteed to yield some fascinating stuff. What did I find when I searched for the term “worst”?

• The 10 Worst Hotel Reviews of All Time: urine cascading from the ceiling, anyone?
• The Worst Roads in the World: and none of them appear to be in Missouri. Whew.
• Top 10 Worst “-ize” Words: thank you! Down with the featurizers, the incentivizers, and the operationalizers!
• The Worst Tattoo Ever: the title made me skeptical - I’ve seen some bad ones - but this one’s in the running, at least.
• 13 of the Worst Fake Accents in Film: I’d say Catherine Zeta-Jones’s accent in High Fidelity was much worse than in Traffic. But reasonable people can disagree on this issue.

The Worst Four O’Clock Flash Game Ever: there are some lame ones out there, but the lamest has to be this generic library simulator (which we found here).

Call me Ishmael. My travels have been long and difficult, but I’m
thinking I’ll skip over some of the boring part, if ye don’t mind.
Because the story I want to tell was on a very specific ship, under a
Captain by the name of Ahab. A man who would have killed us all in the
name of the Klipsch Synergy Series SS.5 Surround Sound Speaker.

At the time, we did not know the story of the additional Klipsch center speaker
that created his dark obsession. We only knew the lash, and the way he
threw out our prostitutes and boxes of cheap rum. Our fate was held to
his, and as such, to a solitary course, all in pursuit of the white
van, that kept a Klipsch Synergy Series SS.5 Surround Sound Speaker
inside.

It was a fearsome thing to hear the Klipsch Synergy
Series SS.5 Surround Sound Speaker in action. Even from the crow’s
nest, the two 1 inch magnetically shielded polymer compression drivers
joined the two side-facing 90º x 60º Tractrix® Horns in a clear,
controlled coverage with low distortion. The rumble of the 4 inch
shielded woofer made the cabin boy wet himself in fear. The first mate
led him away compassionately. We never saw the lad again.

Always
the white van stayed in our telescopes, and always the white van was
just slightly ahead. Some days we could see the jet ash vinyl veneer of
the Klipsch Synergy Series SS.5 Surround Sound Speaker, and we would
cheer, and the captain would offer a gold piece for any man who laid a
spear against the bumper of the white van. He would curse and mutter,
and that is the first we heard of the Klipsch center speaker.
Would that we had never! That night Ahab smoked in his cabin, while we
men pondered if “would that we had never” was truly a proper sentence.
The vote was divided. We played rock paper scissors to see which side
had the blessing of the Lord. Sometimes it gets pretty boring at sea.

When
we tracked the white van to the tropics, we were as close as we ever
came. We could see the Klipsch Synergy Series SS.5 Surround Sound
Speaker clearly now, all 5.6”x12.63”x5.43” of it. It was high-quality,
designed to be hung on a wall. Ahab shouted that he wanted it for the
wall of his tavern, and promised with a great vigor that every man here
today would drink for free so long as they gave their all. A great cry
of joy was his answer!

As we prepared ourselves, Ahab spoke of courage, and it was then he did tell us the second half of the tale…

As every sailor knows, a good center speaker can greatly increase sound
quality, especially since 60% of the average movie soundtrack is
located in the center. Our bosses think you aren’t going to notice the
three links in the write-up that point you to sellout.woot, where today you’ll find an excellent Klipsch Center speaker that will compliment this product very well. So click here and prove them wrong!

Warranty: 5 Year Klipsch

Features:

• Mount on the wall to take full advantage of Wide Dispersion Surround Technology
• One Forward facing woofer and two side facing Tractrix Horns provides for a life like surround sound experience
• Two 1-inch magnetically shielded polymer compression drivers
• 4-inch magnetically shielded woofer
• 90º x 60º Tractrix® Horns
• Jet ash vinyl veneer
• Lest ye be confused, you’ll get one pair of speakers for $89.99

Specifications:

• Frequency Response – 77Hz-20kHz±3dB
• Power Handling – 50 watts maximum continuous (200 watts peak)
• Sensitivity – 90dB @ 1watt/1meter (equivalent sound energy)
• Nominal Impedance – 8 ohms
• Tweeter – Two K-110-A 1” (2.54cm) Polymer dome compression drivers
• High Frequency Horn – 4” square 90°x60° Tractrix® Horn
• Woofer – K-1098-A 4” (10.16cm) Poly cone
• Enclosure Material – Medium density fiberboard construction (MDF)
• Enclosure Type – Sealed
• Dimensions – 5.6” (14.2cm) x 12.63” (32cm) x 5.43” (13.8cm)
• Mounting – Keyhole Bracket
• Weight – 5 lbs. (2.26kg)
• Finishes – Matte-finish Black vinyl

In the box:

• 2 Klipsch Synergy Series SS.5 Surround Sound Speaker
• 2 Sets of rubber feet
• Owner’s Manual

Call me Ishmael. My travels have been long and difficult, but I’m
thinking I’ll skip over some of the boring part, if ye don’t mind.
Because the story I want to tell was on a very specific ship, under a
Captain by the name of Ahab. A man who would have killed us all in the
name of the Klipsch Synergy Series SS.5 Surround Sound Speaker.

At the time, we did not know the story of the additional Klipsch center speaker
that created his dark obsession. We only knew the lash, and the way he
threw out our prostitutes and boxes of cheap rum. Our fate was held to
his, and as such, to a solitary course, all in pursuit of the white
van, that kept a Klipsch Synergy Series SS.5 Surround Sound Speaker
inside.

It was a fearsome thing to hear the Klipsch Synergy
Series SS.5 Surround Sound Speaker in action. Even from the crow’s
nest, the two 1 inch magnetically shielded polymer compression drivers
joined the two side-facing 90º x 60º Tractrix® Horns in a clear,
controlled coverage with low distortion. The rumble of the 4 inch
shielded woofer made the cabin boy wet himself in fear. The first mate
led him away compassionately. We never saw the lad again.

Always
the white van stayed in our telescopes, and always the white van was
just slightly ahead. Some days we could see the jet ash vinyl veneer of
the Klipsch Synergy Series SS.5 Surround Sound Speaker, and we would
cheer, and the captain would offer a gold piece for any man who laid a
spear against the bumper of the white van. He would curse and mutter,
and that is the first we heard of the Klipsch center speaker.
Would that we had never! That night Ahab smoked in his cabin, while we
men pondered if “would that we had never” was truly a proper sentence.
The vote was divided. We played rock paper scissors to see which side
had the blessing of the Lord. Sometimes it gets pretty boring at sea.

When
we tracked the white van to the tropics, we were as close as we ever
came. We could see the Klipsch Synergy Series SS.5 Surround Sound
Speaker clearly now, all 5.6”x12.63”x5.43” of it. It was high-quality,
designed to be hung on a wall. Ahab shouted that he wanted it for the
wall of his tavern, and promised with a great vigor that every man here
today would drink for free so long as they gave their all. A great cry
of joy was his answer!

As we prepared ourselves, Ahab spoke of courage, and it was then he did tell us the second half of the tale…

As every sailor knows, a good center speaker can greatly increase sound
quality, especially since 60% of the average movie soundtrack is
located in the center. Our bosses think you aren’t going to notice the
three links in the write-up that point you to sellout.woot, where today you’ll find an excellent Klipsch Center speaker that will compliment this product very well. So click here and prove them wrong!

Warranty: 5 Year Klipsch

Features:

• Mount on the wall to take full advantage of Wide Dispersion Surround Technology
• One Forward facing woofer and two side facing Tractrix Horns provides for a life like surround sound experience
• Two 1-inch magnetically shielded polymer compression drivers
• 4-inch magnetically shielded woofer
• 90º x 60º Tractrix® Horns
• Jet ash vinyl veneer
• Lest ye be confused, you’ll get one pair of speakers for $89.99

Specifications:

• Frequency Response – 77Hz-20kHz±3dB
• Power Handling – 50 watts maximum continuous (200 watts peak)
• Sensitivity – 90dB @ 1watt/1meter (equivalent sound energy)
• Nominal Impedance – 8 ohms
• Tweeter – Two K-110-A 1” (2.54cm) Polymer dome compression drivers
• High Frequency Horn – 4” square 90°x60° Tractrix® Horn
• Woofer – K-1098-A 4” (10.16cm) Poly cone
• Enclosure Material – Medium density fiberboard construction (MDF)
• Enclosure Type – Sealed
• Dimensions – 5.6” (14.2cm) x 12.63” (32cm) x 5.43” (13.8cm)
• Mounting – Keyhole Bracket
• Weight – 5 lbs. (2.26kg)
• Finishes – Matte-finish Black vinyl

In the box:

• 2 Klipsch Synergy Series SS.5 Surround Sound Speaker
• 2 Sets of rubber feet
• Owner’s Manual

Aw, man, wait - is it President’s Day already? Damn, I didn’t get my president anything! While I go pick up a card and some gourmet pretzels (he loves those), enjoy these fruits of the Internet.

• Think negative campaigning is a new phenomenon? For President’s Day, here’s a reminder of nasty things people said in presidential campaigns of the past. Not even Ann Coulter ever called any male Democrats “Miss Nancy.”
• I’m white, so naturally I like stuff white people like.
• While we’re in WordPress territory, here’s a blog all about vanity license plates.
• Stop me if you’ve seen these, but I really like these Brazilian ads that reimagine flags as graphs.
• Everybody loves animals doing human things, especially when they’re as bizarrely gorgeous as these 19th-century illustrations. What do you suppose this guy was smoking?

Four O’Clock Flash: while it’s basically yet another variation on the Tetris block-clearing model, Blockocide makes it easy to clear large amounts of blocks at once, for a frothy, satisfying sugar rush of a game.

1. James “Old Seeds & Stems” Polk
2. William “White Thunder” Taft
3. Gerald “The Sage of Grand Rapids” Ford
4. Calvin “The Yankee Caligula” Coolidge
5. Franklin “Gotcha Nose” Pierce
6. Andrew “Hickory Smoked” Jackson
7. James “The” Madison
8. Grover “Rerun” Cleveland
9. Thomas “Jungle Fever” Jefferson
10. Franklin “Whoop Whoop” Roosevelt
11. Zachary “The Tool Man” Taylor
12. Rutherford “Purple” Hayes
13. Lyndon “Gentleman Bird” Johnson
14. James “the Bachelor” Buchanan “If You Know What I Mean”

Flickr, Twitter, RSS, Facebook, MySpace,
nowadays you can keep track of everyone you know with just a few easy
mouse clicks. But that still takes effort. Why can’t there be something
that just brings the story to you, as you sit in your comfy chair with
a can of Pringles and a bowl of Bacon Ranch with Onion flavored Cool
Whip?

Say hello to the iMate Momento 10.2” Wireless Digital
Picture Frame. With a 10.2 inch 800×480 screen, you’ll be able to see
your photos load from your PC or your memory card. You’ll find support
for MMC, SD, SmartMedia, Memory Stick, and almost all quality USB
flash drives (1.1 and 2.0). It also supports xD, the memory card that
looks like an emoticon. What were those scientists thinking?

However
the best part, besides the built in clock and calendar, is that the
iMate Momento 10.2” Wireless Digital Picture Frame can connect to
momentolive.com. No, you aren’t getting a garnish for a martini that’s
been stuck in time, you’re getting a new way to see your photos. Set up
an account and fire up your wireless network and you’ll get content
delivered right to your home via the internet, courtesy of friends and
family. Spend lunch with roadkill, sent from your old college buddy!
Greet your grandmother with a series of breasts, sent from your old
college buddy! Distract your girlfriend with photos of you and your ex,
sent from your old… you know what, just don’t tell him you’ve got one
of these in your house.

But imagine when your niece goes to
Colorado! Or your mom goes to the Alps! Or your cousin Larry goes to
the car wash! You’ll have a lifetime of exciting photos waiting for
you, and you won’t even know what you’ll see next.

Don’t
wait to make choices. Have your content forced on you! The iMate
Momento 10.2” Wireless Digital Picture Frame is the answer to a problem
you didn’t even know you had.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited

Features:

• 800 by 480 screen resolution on a 10.2 inch LCD screen
• Stream pictures wirelessly from computers running Windows XP and Windows Vista. A wireless connection is required.
• Invite your friends and family to send photos directly to your Momento with Momentolive.com
• Supports all main memory card formats – MMC, SD, xD, SmartMedia, Memory Stick, USB 1.1 and 2.0 flash drives
• Internal memory stores up to 50 photos
• Built in clock and calendar
• Support for Windows Slideshow
• Upgradeable Software
• Clear acrylic border
• Insignia virus not included

In the box:

• iMate Momento 100 10.2” Wireless Digital Picture Frame
• Remote
• Power Cable
• Users Guide

Did you get lost in the rain? Couldn’t find your way back from the
camping trip? Missed the whole woot-off? It is for you, our clueless
friends, that we offer the NavTour NT-147 Portable GPS System.
It’s slim and lightweight, so you can keep it with you even when you
don’t expect to be out for very long. Remember how you accidentally
spent a week in the frozen foods isle that time you went out for hot
dogs? You wouldn’t have made the wrong turn by the potato salad with
the help of a NAVIGON navigation system and a 3.5” color TFT 240×320 LCD touch screen.

And
just in case you’ve got one of those fancy cars where the driver’s side
is twenty feet from the dash, there’s a remote control in the box.
There’s also a USB Car Charger, a plain ol’ USB
cable, a carrying case, a Power Adapter for the home, a car holder and
an external antenna. That’s everything you need to enjoy turn by turn
voice instruction or a 2D/3D mapping perspective. As long as you can
find your way to the mailbox and back, you’ll never need to be lost
again.

Warranty: 1 Year Navtour

Features:

• 3.5” color TFT 240 by 320 screen resolution touch screen LCD
• Preloaded with detailed USA map data on SD card
• Slim and light weight design
• NAVIGON navigation system
• Turn-by-turn voice instruction
• 3D mapping perspective, or 2D overhead view

In the box:

• NavTour NT-147 Portable GPS System
• Remote Control
• External Antenna
• Car Holder
• USB Car Charger
• USB Cable
• Carrying Case
• Home Power Adapter

Rocketed as a child from the doomed planet Netgear, young WG111T
is discovered by an enterprising midwestern sales company. Now, in his
disguise as a mild-mannered newspaperman, who is also refurbished, he
fights for truth, justice, and 802.11 connections as… Super-G Wireless USB 2.0 Adapter!

Meanwhile, at the cliff…

“Jimmy! Look out!”

rummmmble

“Gosh, thanks, Miss USB Cable! But what about Clark the Refurb? He was under there!”

“Oh no, he could have been killed!”

“I know, I’ll use my Smart Wizard installation software!”

ZEE ZEE ZEE ZEE ZEE

“Super-G Wireless USB 2.0 Adapter!”

“You called, Jimmy?”

“Yeah, it’s Clark the Refurb! He’s… he’s under those rocks!”

“Don’t worry, Jimmy! Thanks to that signal watch, I’ve got the perfect excuse to be out of action while I fix things!”

“Hurry, Super-G Wireless USB 2.0 Adapter!”

“First
I’ll use my 802.11b or 802.11g connection to find a wireless port
super-quick! Then I’ll use my super-Velcro and cradle to… unnf… make a
level to move the… ooof… rocks… and now, there’s a way out for “Clark”!
If only they knew that their friend the refurb was actually… me!”

“Super-G Wireless USB 2.0 Adapter, look! It’s Edgar Evil!”

“I see him, USB Cable! He won’t get far. Not with my 40/64 bit & 128 bit WEP hardware encryption!”

“Super-G Wireless USB 2.0 Adapter! You’ve caught him! Hooray!”

“Thanks, Jimmy! Now, how about you get back to town, and leave me to show Miss USB Cable how I’m USB 2.0 compatable.”

“But, Super-G Wireless USB 2.0 Adapter! What about poor Clark the Refurb?”

“Jimmy, I’ve got a feeling it might just be his lucky day.”

“Why did you just wink at nobody like that, Super-G Wireless USB 2.0 Adapter?”

“Jimmy, are you stupid or something? Get lost! Jeez.”

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Designed for notebook or desktop PC
• Easy set up with Smart Wizard installation software
• Compatible with 802.11b or 802.11g
• Hardware-based 40/64-bit & 128-bit WEP encryption
• USB 2.0 compatible
• Maximum performance requires use with NETGEAR Super-G Wireless Router

In the box:

• Super-G Wireless USB 2.0 Adapter (WG111T)
• USB cable
• Installation guide
• Setup CD
• Cradle and velcro
• Warranty/Support information card

If you’re like Rush Limbaugh, you could have a lot of trouble
getting your phone out of your pocket. Sure, you can unzip your pants,
but what if you’re not an Idaho senator? For those of us without a wide
stance, there’s the Soyo Freestyler 500 with Bluetooth USB Adapter Dongle.

Your Soyo Freestyler 500 with Bluetooth USB Adapter
Dongle will work in a 33 foot radius from your bluetooth device and
give you up to six hours of talk time. That’s about as far into the
campaign as Chris Dodd managed to get, and look how well he did! It
also features Bluetooth 1.2 and the dongle works with any Bluetooth
enabled device, just like John Edwards in the debates. Good luck with
that VP nod, buddy!

You’ll get a clip hook with an ear piece
and two foam ear covers. When you wear it in public, you’ll look like
the child of two millionaires. Maybe people will even call you
“Chelsea”! Try not to get anything on your dress.

The one thing everyone can agree on is that the Soyo Freestyler 500 with Bluetooth USB Adapter
Dongle isn’t anything fancy. It does it’s job, but no matter how it
might try to pretend, it will never be top of the line. So keep that in
mind, and consider all the options. Some times you might not want to
compromise your future.

Warranty: 1 Year Soyo

Features:

• Can be used in ear with the ear hook, or clip it to your shirt pocket
• Up to 6 hours of talk time on 2 hours of charge time
• Works in a 33 foot radius from bluetooth device
• Bluetooth version 1.2
• Supports hands free, headset profiles, or audio gateway role
• Point to point connection type
• Bluetooth dongle works with any bluetooth enabled device, such as your cell phone, printer, or PDA.
• Use the headset for your cell phone or VoIP calls from your PC
• Security: Pairing, encryption, and authentication

In the box:

• Soyo Bluetooth BTWLHS02 headset
• Ear hook
• Clip hook with ear piece
• Bluetooth USB adaptor
• AC adapter
• 2 Foam ear covers
• USB adaptor driver (Compatible with Microsoft Windows XP, and 2000)
• Users manual and Quick Start Guide