Transition Team Chair: And Putin assures me that Kim is on
board: no democratization or economic liberalization until after we
take office. They’ll be drinking Starbucks in Pyongyang by February.
North Korea will no longer be a problem.

President-Elect: That’s, uh, that’s terrific. Great.

Chief of Staff: Something on your BLEEP mind, Boss?

President-Elect: No. Yeah. Yeah, all those Memorex MVBD2510 Blu-Ray DVD Players
in the White House basement. Thousands of them, supposedly. Sometimes I
wish Bush’s people hadn’t even told us about those.

Chief of Staff: You want I should BLEEP bump somebody the BLEEP off, Boss?

President-Elect:
No, no. That knowledge is just the kind of terrible burden I have to
bear in this office. Point is, we need to figure out what to do with
them.

Transition Team Chair: Sir, I’d suggest that
we keep them for the moment and see if they could be used to our
advantage later. If we could make a bonafide Blu-Ray player available
to the public for less than two hundred dollars, that could have the
potential to clinch your re-election and solidify a permanent governing
maj-

Chief of Staff: What the BLEEP is this BLEEP you’re peddling? These BLEEP Blu-Ray players are BLEEP old news now. In four BLEEP years they won’t be worth BLEEP.

President-Elect: Look, while the Memorex MVBD2510 could bring high-definition Blu-Ray DVDs to American homes across America, the fact is that it lacks Profile 2.0,
and the fanciest possible audio decoding. If my administration is about
change, what does it say to the American people of America if we keep
peddling the same tired Blu-Ray players that the outgoing
administration failed to sell?

Chief of Staff: We could just BLEEP destroy the BLEEP players with sledgehammers. No, no, hatchets. Yeah, BLEEP hatchets. BLEEP, I love the feel of a good BLEEP hatchet.

Transition Team Chair:
Or we could point out that Profile 2.0’s “features” are essentially
useless frippery. And that most home theater owners will use a receiver
to do their audio decoding anyway, but if not, the Memorex MVBD2510 still offers Dolby TrueHD, Dolby Digital Plus, and DTS-HD High Resolution decoding.

Chief of Staff: Ah, BLEEP it. Let’s just BLEEP drag the American consumer into a BLEEP alley someplace to have a nice little BLEEP chat. That BLEEP idiot won’t know what the BLEEP hit him. He’ll watch his BLEEP DVDs on a BLEEP View-Master if we say so.

President-Elect: No, no, we’re not in Chicago anymore. We need a way to get these Memorex MVBD2510 Blu-Ray players off the federal books, but we can’t have our fingerprints all over them.

Transition Team Chair: You know, we could always give our friends in Texas a call…

Chief of Staff: Oh, BLEEP. Those BLEEP? They scare the BLEEP out of me. One wrong move dealing with them, and BLEEP, you’re liable to wind up in a Bag o’ Crap. I never know who the BLEEP they’re working for.

President-Elect: They’re wild cards, to be sure. But they’ve always been discreet and professional. Well, semi-professional, anyway.

Transition Team Chair:
We take the Blu-Ray players to them, boom, they’re gone in a day. By
the time anybody knows what’s going on, the news cycle has moved on.

President-Elect: OK, let’s move on that. Through back channels, of course.

Transition Team Chair: Of course.

President-Elect: Wow, my first covert operation! Man, this is fun!

Chief of Staff: I BLEEP still BLEEP say: hatchets.

Warranty: 1 Year Memorex

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Features:

• Progressive scan Blu-ray Disc player with 1080p capability for HD video
• Full HD 1080p, DVD up-conversion up to 1080p (480p, 720p, 1080i, 1080p)
• Support for uncompressed multi-channel Linear PCM that can output 8 channel audio with help from the HDMI cable and a compatible AV amplifier
• Multi-channel audio content supports more advanced Dolby Digital Plus, Dolby TrueHD and DTS-HD
• 24p True Cinema mode; Movies shot on a film camera consist of 24 frames per second. Since conventional televisions (both CRT
  and flat panels) display frames at either 1/60 or 1/50 second
  intervals, the 24 frames do not appear at an even pace. When connected
  to a TV with 24p capabilities, the player displays each frame at 1/24
  second intervals.
• HDMI digital interface can output both SD to HD video and multi-channel audio signals, in digital form without degradation
• HDMI specification supports HDCP, a copy protection technology that
  incorporates coding technology for digital video signals
• Increased
  capacity of a Blu-ray Disc means that a greater amount of data can be
  easily stored and delivered.
• Utilizing
  a shorter-wavelength blue laser, the Blu-ray Disc offers a massive
  storage capacity of 25GB on a single-layer disc and 50GB on a
  double-layer disc (5x the amount of current DVDs)
• Offers
  uncompromising HD quality video, enables rich bonus content on
  a single disc and HD quality audio up to 8 channels
• Library function for JPEG, MP3, and WMV9 files; files stored on a DATA-DVD or DATA-CD can be organized in a list browser on the player for easy sorting, searching, and playback

Specifications:

• Playable Media: BD-ROM, DVD-ROM, DVD, DVD-R/ -RW, DVD+R/+RW, DVD-R DL, DVD+R DL, CD-ROM, CD, CD-R/-RW
• Playable Format: Blu-ray Disc (AV format), DVD-Video, MPEG-2, MPEG-4 AVC (H.264), VC-1, JPEG
• Bonus View 1.1 allows for special functions like “Picture in Picture” viewing for enjoying special content, including director’s commentary, during movie viewing
  
• 16:9 / 4:3 picture select
• Selectable 24p and 60p video output modes
• On-screen graphical user interface
• Slow motion function (2x, 4x, 8x)
• RW/FF play function (2x, 4x, 8x, 16x)
• VFD display
• Dimensions (LxWxH): 13.5” × 17” x 3”

Connectivity:

• HDMI v1.3 digital output
• Component video output
• S-video output
• Composite video output
• Optical audio output
• Analog 5.1 channel audio output
• USB 2.0 Port

In the box:

• Memorex Blu-Ray Player
• Remote Control
• Users Guide
• Power Cable

It all started when Eliphalet Remington designed his now-famous
rifle back in the early 1800s. This somehow led through typewriter
manufacture and into personal grooming products, though we’re not
totally clear on how that happened. It seems like somewhere along the
way they were making cowboy sculptures, too. Anyway, it’s probably an
epic tale, the tale of the Remington name, however it goes.

Who cares if we’re fuzzy on some of the details? After all, it was a long time ago. But there’s one thing we absolutely MUSTN’T be fuzzy on, any of us: Our faces.

Nothing
says “I am not an animal” quite like a smooth, razor-burnt cheek,
fashionably denuded of its coarse, bristly thatch. That’s what the
ladies like, and what George Steinbrenner likes, too. Why? Because a
good, close shave gives a man a look of honesty, prosperity,
civilization, and proper hygiene. It suggests that he has reached a
level of professional development where he is no longer required to
fell trees. And it decreases the likelihood that morsels of his lunch
will still be riding around on his face an hour after he eats.

For
anyone who wants to keep himself (or herself, hey, whatever) free of
facial fur, there’s no finer depilatory implement than Remington’s
rotary microflex shaver. It’s got a sharp titanium-coated twin blade
that spins fully 25% faster than that of any other rotary shaver, which
at first doesn’t make it sound like something you would want to press
against your face, but it actually decreases irritation, so.

When
you’re done, just rinse your shaver clean and start enjoying the fresh
air and sunlight on your more youthful-looking mug!

“But
Woot!” you say, maybe: “I can’t shave my beard! It protects my face
from chapping in the winter wind!” Or “I’ve got a weak chin!” Or “I’m
Orthodox!” Or “it’s the playoffs!” Or “I’m Abraham Lincoln!”

The
excuses are almost innumerable, but we’ve only got one response for all
of them. Well, all of them besides the Abe Lincoln one. If you tell us
you’re Abe Lincoln, we will tell you you’re lying. But to all the rest
of you who will not prune your prickly pusses, we say this:

OK, that’s cool. It’s none of our business.

Warranty: 2 Year Remington

Features:

• Comfort Select, suspension system for your desired level of comfort and closeness
• Triple ComfortFlex, heads contour to your face for optimal contact
• 25% faster blade than any other rotary shaver, for a quick shave without irritation
• CleanShave washable design rinses clean quickly and easily to maintain peak performance
• Titanium coated Twin-Blade technology has two blade tracks, not one
• Locking precision trimmer locks in place for greater control when trimming sideburns and mustache
• Quick charge feature ensures your shaver is ready in just 5 minutes
• Low Charge Indicator
• Rechargeable, cord/cordless use
• 60 minute run time
• 1 hour quick charge
• Worldwide Voltage

In the box:

• Remington R800DT Rotary Microflex Shaver
• Compact Charging System
• Cleaning Brush
• Deluxe Travel Pouch
• Protective Head Guard

In preparing to write about the Garmin Foreunner 50 Sport Watch with Foot Pod, we found this Internet infomercial that promised to explain all about the product, from the ANT+
Wireless Technology that automatically transfers data to your computer
to the way the wireless foot pod attaches to your shoe and figures out
distance, speed and calories burned. But we also had truffles and tarts
in the breakroom and it was Free Burrito Day, so we decided to take the
Garmin Foreunner 50 Sport Watch with Foot Pod down to the dingy office
by the bathroom and give the job to beloved sucker staff member Kat. Here’s what she came up with.

What
I learned from watching the video is that Garmin has a dude that should
really narrate Monster Truck rallies. Also I am convinced that their
Marketing Department would totally lose a Guitar Hero contest against
us. Any time, any place, Garmin.

Probably the guy who wrote
this doesn’t get a lot of chicks, as evidenced by the thought bubble
portion of the video where the heart rate monitor is talking to the
rest of the gang (using the wireless ANT+
technology improperly, might I add, since it is clearly designed for
the specific transfer of data connected to running and not just idle
chit-chat and water cooler gossiping between devices) and she talks
about “LOVING to get his heart rate up” and says “He’s cute when he
sweats”. Did that heart-checking hussy even see the first portion of
the video? I mean, first off, the guy’s married. See the ring?

Secondly,
he totally runs like a girl. The only thing that’s gonna make him cute
is if he finally gets the courage to ask out Janine in accounting and
he brings flowers and chocolate and does it like he’s been practicing
for weeks in the mirror at home. Even then, it would be all the other
girls going “aww, that’s so cute” and Janine saying “Ugh, no way.
Aren’t you that guy I see running outside my apartment all the time?!?
And you have a wife? Creep!” And so he’d just go back to running, and
maybe sharing the data with his internet friends because no one else
would care about his sad life and loveless marriage. So that’s why
we’re only selling the watch, foot pod and ANT stick today, because you can tell by their voices that they’re trustworthy even if Slutty The Heart Monitor isn’t.

You know, that ANT stick could be from London or something. London’s classy. But I wish one of them was French.

Thanks for doing our work for us, Kat!
And remember, the same hard work and eye-for-detail that went into
making that infomercial designed the Garmin Foreunner 50 Sport Watch
with Foot Pod. How could you at home go wrong?

Warranty: 1 Year Garmin

Features:

• Transmits workouts to your computer so you can analyze, store and share data using Garmin Connect
• Provides
  you with instant workout data including training time, pace, distance,
  lap pace, lap time, lap distance, average and best pace, and calories
• Wireless
  foot pod lets you track your running speed, distance and calories
  burned while on the treadmill or pavement. Just snap the foot pod into
  a clip on your shoe laces, and it’s ready to send data to Forerunner 50
  as soon as you start moving. After your workout, Forerunner 50
  automatically transfers your data to your computer when within range
• With Garmin’s ANT+™
  wireless technology, your workouts are automatically transferred to
  your computer when your device is within range. No cables, no hookups.
  The data’s just there, ready for you to analyze, categorize and share
  through our online community, Garmin Connect , or Garmin Training Center software
• Compatible
  digital heart rate monitor continuously tracks heart beats per minute
  which is wirelessly transmitted to the Forerunner 50 (not included)
• When
  paired with an optional speed/cadence sensor, Forerunner 50 tracks the
  speed and distance of your cycling workouts. The wireless speed/cadence
  sensor attaches securely to your bike and measures your pedaling
  cadence and wheel speed as you ride. You can even use it to train
  indoors because the sensor attaches to your rear wheel

In the box:

• Forerunner 50 watch
• USB ANT Stick
• Foot Pod
• Users Guide

TO: Frank Pollard, CEO
FROM: Brennan Kerr, IT Associate
SENT: Friday, 14 Nov 2008, 12:03:00 AM
RE: Routine Maintenance

Hi Mr. Pollard -

Brennan
from IT here, just letting you know that I fixed the problem with the
slow network connection. Seems you picked up a nasty booger of a worm
somewhere, but I cut his head off. Let’s see if he’ll grow back, ha ha.
Anyway, you should be good to go. Let me know if you notice any more
problems.

I should also tell you about something else I
found. In your root C directory, in the Apps folder, under
Miscellaneous Plug-Ins, then in a folder marked “jksdfljkl8793204”, I
happened to notice some hidden image files. I unhid them, and they
appeared to be some fiendishly clever Photoshop jobs showing you in
various intimate situations with someone who is not your wife. Frankly,
I’m not even positive it’s actually a woman. You can always tell by the
hands.

Anyway, clearly, these were created and placed here
by one of your enemies to embarrass and discredit you. Since it would
be a real shame for your family or business associates to stumble
across these photos – especially the ones involving the wire whisk,
ouch! – I moved them all onto my trusty Kingston 2GB MicroSD Card.

Now,
you’re probably thinking “My computer doesn’t even have a MicroSD
slot.” That’s true. But the Kingston 2GB MicroSD Card comes with a
full-size SD Card adapter. So I had no
problem saving all of these scandalous pictures to my MicroSD card. And
once I got home, it was a snap to transfer them to six other Kingston
2GB MicroSD Cards which I have now stored in various secure locations.

If
you would like the images back, perhaps to use as evidence in
prosecuting whoever doctored them to incriminate you, I’d be happy to
sell you one of the MicroSD cards, at cost. The card itself is $2.59, plus
a $25,000 handling fee. And if there’s any way you could throw in your VIP parking pass, I’d really appreciate it.

No need to thank me. I’m just glad I found these pics before they could be emailed to everybody in your address book.

Thanks -
Brennan

Warranty: Lifetime Kingston

Features:

• 2GB capacity
• Full size SD card adapter included
• Complies with SD card specification standards
• Dimensions: .43” x .59” x .039” (11mm x 15mm x 1mm)
• Operating Temperature: -13º F to 185º F (-25º C to 85 º C)
• Storage Temperature: -40º F to 185º F (-40º C to 85º C)
• Weight: 0.05 oz (1.4g)

In the box:

• 2GB Micro SD Card
• Full Size SD Card Adapter

I don’t know if it’s actually a failed attempt at a real game, but Qwop illustrates exactly what to do in such a case: use humor to make your messed-up game fun. Even though a typical game only lasts a few seconds, you’ll find yourself wasting a surprising amount of time on this one. (Thanks, Kevin!)

Metal chicks have their feathered roach clips. Acquisitive
hip-hoppers have their money clips. Militia nuts have their ammo clips.
Now whatever subcultural demographic you belong to has the Sandisk
Sansa Clip.

Seriously. We forget the name, but you know that
one singer or actress or author or supermodel or athlete you admire?
Yeah, that’s the one. Well, we ran into her or him at this big fancy
rich-people restaurant the other day, and what did he or she have
clipped to his or her expensive couture outfit? One of these Sandisk
Sansa Clips. No joke.

(Incidentally, we thought he or she would be taller.)

So
obviously, if you want to be in step with the in-crowd in Williamsburg,
or Westminster, or Wasilla, or wherever you wish you lived, you need to
wear the Sandisk Sansa Clip. Chances are you already know the correct
songs to fill its 2GB of storage space with. Shouldn’t the outside of
the package be just as subculturally-approved?

And when you
get to the dance club or hunting lodge or rock show or house party or
drum circle where your chosen style tribe congregates and you don’t see
anybody else wearing the Sansa Sandisk Clip, don’t freak out – it just
means they’re not as hip as you are.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Tiny Wearable MP3 Player with 2GB of storage space
• 1” LCD screen with 4 line display
• 15 hours of playback with internal rechargeable battery
• FM Tuner with 40 Presets
• Voice recording with built-in microphone
• Works with most subscription based music services
• Supports MP3, WMA, Secure WMA, WAV, and Audible file playback
• Play modes: shuffle (track; all), repeat
• Drag and drop file transfer
• Equalizer modes: Rock, Pop, Jazz, Classical, and Custom.
• Dimensions: 2.17” x 1.35” x .65”
• Weight: .92oz

System Requirements:

• Windows XP SP2 or Vista Operating System
• Windows Media Player 10 or 11
• High-Speed USB 2.0 port required for hi-speed transfer

In the box:

• Sandisk Sansa Clip 2GB MP3 Player
• USB Cable
• Headphones

Manual not included, download it here

The very, very first time Young Jason Toon played Tetris, I thought the point was to use the pieces to build a tower. So I thought I was really good at it. You can imagine my disappointment when I finally learned the truth about that game last week. But the game I had in mind lives and breathes as 99 Bricks, where you stack the familiar array of tetrads in the highest pile you can manage. Unlike in Tetris, though, the pieces follow basic laws of physics, so keeping your stack balanced is a crucial (and difficult) part of the game. How fast you drop your pieces has a definite effect on how hard they hit the pile. And there are no walls to lean your pieces against, either. The “Focus Lost” feature is one I wish more Flash games had: if you click away from the game, it automatically pauses, an especially helpful feature since it takes a while to get through the titular 99 bricks. (As seen on Wired.)

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer
our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The
news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have
to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

LONDON (AP)—A
British exam board is recalling a high school music test that included
convicted child molester Gary Glitter’s music in its “suggested
listening” section, board officials said Monday.

British
officials hope that this step will finally manage to convince high
schoolers that fat, balding fifty-something has-beens aren’t sexy.

CAIRNS, Australia (UPI)—An Australian
python that attacked a wallaby on a university campus was filmed trying
to swallow the animal—and then throwing it up.

University
officials blame the rise in python bulimia on the abnormal standards of
beauty set by the circus and the herpetology industry.

NEW YORK (AP)—An artwork of sponges stuck on a canvas sold for more than $21 million Tuesday.

According to art experts, the piece might expand to be worth as much as $50 million if exposed to water.

WASILLA,
Alaska (AP)—Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin spent part of the weekend going
through her clothing to determine what belongs to the Republican Party
after it spent $150,000-plus on a wardrobe for the vice presidential
nominee, according to Palin’s father.

Several leading party members, speaking off the record, said they looked forward to finally getting into Palin’s pants.

WUHAN CITY,
China (UPI)—Prosecutors in Wuhan City, China, have dropped theft
charges against two young students accused of stealing 3,760 centipedes.

The officials were concerned that the evidence would be inadmissable since it was connected with unauthorized bugs.

CAPE CANAVERAL,
Fla. (AP)—The international space station is about to get all the
comforts of a modern, high-end, ’’green’’ home: a fancy recycling water
filter, a new fridge, extra bedrooms, workout equipment and the
essential half-bath.

After the upgrade, NASA plans to crash the station into Manhattan, where it can be rented out at premium rates.

“Whoa. Is that a spaceship?”

“That is totally a spaceship. Come on, grab the JVC MiniDV Camcorder with 35x Optical Zoom and let’s get over there.”

“The door’s opening! The door’s opening! I’m glad I hit the DATA button that tells me about the battery life and recording time without having to let go of the camera!”

“Dude, are those really the first words you want an alien to hear from an earthling? Come on, be cool.”

“Shut up, shut up, here he is! Wow! A real alien! Hey, say something, man!”

Picard and Dathon at Eladril.

“Um… okay. Hi? Oh, this is our JVC MiniDV Camcorder, it’s not like a gun or anything.”

“Oh,
hang on! This is one of those aliens who talk in metaphors, so ‘Jack
and Jill went up a hill’ could mean ‘Let’s go out for drinks’.”

“How could a civilization like that even develop a rocket program?”

“I
don’t know, maybe they just got them from the Nazi planet like we did.
Look, it doesn’t matter, he’s here now, clearly he wants something.”

Hud and Rob, never ceasing.

“Wow. No idea.”

“But he sure looks good on the 2.7 inch 16:9 LCD monitor. This clear LCD feature really makes a difference.”

Heather, alone, so scared.

“You think he abducted this Heather chick?”

“Hey, there’s a Firewire port on this thing, you think it works with iMovie?”

“Of course it works with iMovie, it’s a webcam too.”

“Oh, that’s fantastic, we can do a vlog about this later!”

“Let’s use the NightAlive and get that cool light sensitive effect.”

Paris, her legs wide?

“See, he knows! Wow, that girl really gets around.”

“Oh! That’s it! Don’t you see? He wants to borrow our JVC MiniDV Camcorder with 35x Optical Zoom!”

“Really?”

“Yeah, watch! Wimpy, paying on Tuesday, gladly!”

Gilbert Gottfried, just thrilled to have work!

“See?
He’s happy! He must have watched a whole bunch of our tv signals and
learned about our ‘stories’ so he could express himself. He just wants
the camera. Help yourself, space pal!”

T.J. Hooker, just before the credits! Hannibal, loving when a plan comes together! Seinfeld, the final episode!

“Bye bye to you too, man! Glad we could help! Enjoy that JVC MiniDV Camcorder with 35x Optical Zoom!”

“Wow,
we really understood each other! Two planets, working as one. It’s just
a shame we didn’t get to keep a record of his visit.”

“Au contraire, mon frere. Because, since the JVC MiniDV Camcorder with 35x Optical Zoom has no SD slot, it runs on a MiniDV tape… like this!”

“You kept the tape? That’s great! But how’s he gonna find a MiniDV tape these days?”

“That’s his problem. Hey, want to go watch Alias on dvd?”

“Wow, would I?”

“Yeah, that’s what I asked.”

“Let’s just go.”

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty (30 Day Direct JVC)

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Features:

• Powerful
  35x optical zoom, The image is magnified optically to eliminate jagged
  edges. Images can be further enlarged up to 800x when combined with the
  digital zoom
• 115 minute data battery, slim and powerful long life data battery allows you to shoot with peace of mind
• DATA button reports the remaining battery and recording time can be easily viewed, even when the power is turned off
• 3D
  NR automatically provides a more accurate noise reduction; video noise
  is reduced by 30% in low light for a 2dB improvement in the
  signal-to-noise ratio
• JVC digital video cameras are equipped with 2.7 inch 16:9 LCD
  monitors. Our wide mode will maintain a high picture quality, plus give
  you a more realistic visual due to the extended field of vision
• Clear LCD feature reduces reflections and glare to maintain a clear, visible and bright viewing during outside recording
• Super High-Band Processor
• Web-Camera Function via IEEE 1394
• NightAlive, Boosts light sensitivity for a bright picture even in environments with minimal illumination
• Digital Effects and Scene Transitions
• Conveniently, access a multitude of functions with the 4-way one-finger control on the LCD
  door. Simply press the four “compass points” on the circular control to
  navigate menu items and manual feature settings during recording and
  playback

Specifications:

• CCD: 1/6” 680k
• Optical Zoom Ratio: 35:1
• Digital Zoom Ratio: 800:1
• Maximum Digital Still Size: 680×340
• Clear LCD Monitor: 2.7” Wide
• 16:9 Wide Screen Mode
• Stick Control
• Data Button/Auto Button
• Auto Illumination Light
• NightAlive
• Power-Linked Operation
• Data Battery: BN-VF808
• Multi-Language On-Screen: 7 Languages (Eng. / Spa. / Fre. / Kor. / Jap. / Por. / Chi. [Traditional])
• DV Input/Output
• Format: DV (SD specifications)
• Power Source: (Batt) 7.2 V / (AC adapter) 11 V (using LCD Monitor)
• Power Consumption Using LCD: 2.6 W
• Cassette: Mini DV type
• Lens: F 2.0-4.1, f=2.3-69 mm
• Filter Diameter: 27mm
• Dimensions WxHxD (Including parts protruding): 2-13/16” x 3-1/16” x 4-5/8” (71×77 x 117 mm)
• Weight (Without battery): 0.93 lbs.(420 g)

In the box:

• JVC GR-D850 MiniDV Camcorder
• AC Adapter
• Battery Pack
• Shoulder Strap
• Audio Video Cable
• Lens Cap
• Users Manual

Not only is SeppuKuties a great name for a Japanese all-girl punk band, it’s also a diabolically bloody platform game. No, these aren’t robots or zombies that you have to kill - they’re little bears and elephants and raccoons and other adorable animals. And they aren’t even your enemies - there’s nothing but trust in their big dumb eyes. Alas, the only way to beat most of these levels is to sacrifice one or more of the 30 little darlings entrusted to your care. Fiendish. (As seen at Jayisgames.)

At some point in the recent past, we asked you to create a screenshot of a funny fake Craigslist ad for a past or present Woot item. You people spend too much time on Craigslist, because most of these look so real we tried to buy a lot of them, the best bargain being Woot.com for $999999.99!

If you can’t read an entry, click it to view a bigger version.

First Place - $100

rivulet - Not a Scam

He must have had some luck selling stuff on Craigslist in order to buy that copy of Photoshop.

Second Place - $50

fyrefall - Fruitcake 2.0

Well they do taste the same.

Third Place - $20

adammjordan - Roomba Love

Maybe they can reclaim that old spark again.

Honorable Mentions:

gbmodern - Kidney for Roomba

A refurb Roomba for a refurb kidney?

IMAGE HOST DOWN - IMAGE UNAVAILABLE

FedUpOldHag - Cursed Leakfrog

This thing just looks haunted. Look at those diabolical, scheming eyes, that sly, twisted smile.

toby8915 - Leakfrog Mage

Too bad, Level 70 Wake the Wizard with Epic Robe of Astrology just sold for $199.99.

taylormorgan - Cheap Modified Roomba Saw

I hope adammjordan doesn’t see this ad…

majit - Dual Overhead Cams

Well you can’t call it false advertising.

Monkey Prize

jexxie - Woot.com for Sale (Texas)

They finally got tired of all the “First!!!!111″ posts, the Banjo of Consternation whining, and the screams coming from the boxes in the warehouse at all hours of the day and night.

Money winners, please email your Paypal info to jtoon@woot.com. Monkey Prize winner, please email your shipping address to jtoon@woot.com, name your firstborn Gatzby Slydon III, draw a circle on the sidewalk and stand inside it, then cut a lock of your hair and see if your palm itches. Honorable Mentioneers may use coupon code HONMEN-FS for free shipping on a future order. If you sit criss-cross-applesauce while submitting the coupon, it might work, if not (PROBABLY NOT) email service@woot.com and they will probably be as nice as you are and honor the coupon, reimbursing your account. Until next time remember: use Craigslist for good, not for evil.

“Hi, it’s Richard, right? This is my first day, they said I should find Richard and check in.”

“That’s me! You must be Janet! I’ve heard all about you, it’s great to have you on the sales team!”

“Well, I’m ready to get started!”

“Wonderful!
Now, I know you probably have first day jitters and all that, so we’re
gonna start you off easy with this two pack of Clique Communications HUE HD Webcams. These things are really cute, Oprah even thinks so,
and they come in a variety of colors. They’ve got a True 1.3M Pixel
CMOs sensor and handle 1280×1024 at ten frames a second and 640×480
with 30 frames a second. Plus you can record and it has audio and it
works with a Mac or a PC. You got all that?”

“I got it!”

“Great!
I’m gonna head in the back, you just hang out and see if you can break
the sales record! High five, yeah! Just remember: people love to hear
about Oprah. Call me if you need me. Okay?”

“Okay! Thanks, Richard! Wow, so much responsibility on my first day. Oh, hello, sir! Did you know that Oprah thinks this two pack of Clique Communications HUE HD Webcams is as cute as a button?”

Your hands look like mother’s hands. You must ████ like a serpent.

“I… what?”

Aisle six shiv nasty. Like a leather street in whore’s pants.

“Um… Are you interested in learning more about the Clique Communications HUE HD Webcam two pack?

The city birthed me. The city destroyed me. My lover, my whore, my endless betrayal and redemption.

“Okay, let me just get… Richard! Richard!”

“Oh,
whoa, sorry Janet, forgot to tell you. This is comic legend Frank
Miller. He shops here sometimes. He can be a little intense. But he’s a
good guy. Aren’t you, Frank?”

I wanted a camera I could cradle like a pair of cheerleader’s ████ in the dark.

“Well, these two Clique Communications HUE HD Webcams
might be the ones you’re after. This flexible neck makes it easy to
position the cameras anywhere you want. Yeah, just like that. Test it
out.”

“Richard… is that a swastika? Is he making a swastika out of our webcams?”

“No,
Janet, it’s not like that, it’s not a statement or anything. He just
likes putting them in everything he does. Daredevil, Sin City, The
Spirit, Robocop II, he’s just having fun. It’s his thing! Don’t worry.
He’s harmless.”

Clique Communications HUE HD Webcam ace chilly. Double balls, sky high.

“Hey,
that’s great, Frank! Listen, Janet’s gonna finish this up for you.
Don’t worry, Janet, you’re doing fine. Always great to see you, Frank!
Take care!”

“Well then… Frank. I guess we’re… ready to go! Ha ha!”

Your eyes make me think about a warm wind that cleans the leaves from the city streets at dawn.

“Wow,
Frank. That’s really sweet! Maybe you are a good writer! I guess you’re
a nice guy, deep down. You know what? I’m really happy I met you.
Here’s your two pack of Clique Communications HUE HD Webcams.”

I bet your █████ tastes like coconut.

“RICHARD! RICHARRRRD!”

Warranty: 1 Clique Communications

Features:

• True 1.3M Pixel CMOs sensor
• Capable
  of 1280×1024 resolution with 10 frames per second, 1280×768 resolution
  with 15 frames per second, or 640×480 with 30 frames per second
• Works
  with a wide range of video conferencing and picture editing software
  programs. Any software that is designed to work with a USB camera is compatible
• Flexible neck, allows you to position the camera nearly anywhere you want
• 16 types of special effects with 10 types of photo frames and Face tracking
• Up to 4x digital zoom
• Supports video and audio recording

Specifications:

• Sensor: True 1.3 megapixel CMOS
• Lens: 5-layer antiglare optical
• Video Format: I420, YUY2, RGB24
• View Angle: 75 degrees
• Focus Range: 5cm ~ infinity
• Sampling Rate: 8000 / 16000 Hz
• Sampling Accuracy: <5PPM

Video Resolution with Frame Rate:

• 1280×1024 with 10 Frames per Second (Real Time Only)
• 1280×768 with 15 Frames Per Second
• 800×600 with 15 Frames Per Second
• 640×480 with 30 Frames Per Second
• 160×120 with 30 Frames Per Second

Snapshot Resolution:

• 1280×1024 (1.3 MP)
• 1600×1200 (2 MP) Software enhanced
• 2304×1728 (4 MP) Software enhanced
• 2560×2048 (5 MP) Software enhanced

System Requirements:

• Windows 2000 / XP / Vista OR Mac OS 10.4 or above
• Intel Pentium III 800 or above
• 128 MB RAM (256 MB RAM recommended)
• 200 MB free hard drive space
• 16 bit color display adapter (800×600 24bit color recommended)
• CD ROM Drive with 4 times speed
• Available 1.1 or 2.0 USB port (USB2.0 port required for megapixel image capture)
• Compatible Sound Card and Speakers
• Functional Support: When using a Mac operating system some functions may not be supported, such as YUY2 format, interpolation, special effects, face tracking and digital zoom features

In the box:

• 2 Hue HD Webcams
• 2 Camera Bases
• 2 6ft Connector Cables
• 2 Install CDs

I don’t feature many multiplayer games here because of the registration hoop-jumping they require - this column is for filling a free moment or two with quick ‘n’ dirty gaming kicks. But Multiplayer Memory Mayhem lets you play as a guest, and it’s worth the brief hassle of typing in a username and joining a random game. Basically, it’s a real-time, non-turn-based version of the Memory card game. The frantic rush to uncover matched pairs, and some cards with special power-ups, lift it well beyond its slow-paced kindergarten origins.

If you haven’t listened to our weekdaily Wootcast podcast, it’s probably because you haven’t seen a promotional music video for any of the songs. And that’s because we’re still waiting on some big record label to pony up the funds for a triumphant video. Until then, though, we might as well start coming up with some concepts - and by “coming up with”, we mean “asking our users to do all the hard work.” Your challenge this week:

Show us a still from a music video for one of our Wootcast songs.

Until we come up with a real Wootcast index, this Google search will have to do. Tell us what song you have in mind, preferably with a link to the discussion thread if you can find one.

Post your entry here by 11:59 AM CST on Monday, November 17, 2008.
Prizes are $20/$50/$100 for 3rd/2nd/1st. The rules and criteria for
winning: our panel of volunteer judges can and will make stuff up as it
goes along. Use Photoshop, linoleum blocks, pastels, MSPaint, cave
painting, tattoos, tribal scarification, whatever, but it’ll only be
judged if it’s visible in our forums as a jpg, gif, or png. As we are
fond of saying, try to keep your maximum width to 450px. If you need a
place to host your pictures, try www.imageshack.ws or www.photobucket.com.
We have no connection to either, but they seem free and easy to use.
And if you want us to be sure your entry was indeed your work, post
links to your source images. The more sure we are that you did your own
work, the more likely we are to consider it for a prize.

“Dad! Daaa-aaad! Daaa-aaa-aaad!”

“What’s wrong, honey? Why are you crying?”

“It’s – it’s – it’s my Polk Audio miDock Portfolio!”

“You
mean the compact iPod speaker dock that provides surprisingly big sound
for your iPod for up to 8 hours on 4 AA batteries?”

“Y-yes! B-but – but – it’s – I can’t fit my iPhone into the dock! Or my iPod Shuffle! Or any other audio sources like my MP3 player or laptop!”

“Is
that all? I thought you were hurt or something. I’m going back out to
the garage. Don’t call me again unless it’s something important.”

“Oh, I wish someone could help!”

“Did somebody say ‘I can’t fit my iPhone into the jack! Or my iPod Shuffle! Or any other audio sources!’?”

“Yes, I did. But – who are you? And what is all that crud in your beard?”

“This is a job for…Auxiliary Jack, the magical hobo with the power of audio compatibility!”

“No! Mom and Dad said you weren’t real!”

“But
here I am, sure as you can smell me! And I make it possible for you to
listen to your iPhone, iPod Shuffle, or other audio sources on your
Polk Audio miDock Portfolio! If it has a 3.5mm minijack, then Auxiliary
Jack can make it work! Look, see, right here!”

“Wow! You’re right! I can use my iPhone with my miDock Portfolio! Thanks, Auxiliary Jack!”

“You
can thank me by enjoying your Polk Audio miDock Portfolio. And also, if
there’s any money in this piggy bank right here, ol’ Auxiliary Jack
could use a dollar or two. See, my ex-wife moved out to North County
with my kids, and I dropped my bus pass when I got chased by this dog,
and I’m supposed to have a job shovelling snow at this church only it
isn’t snowing yet, so I’d really appreciate it -”

“I think I hear my dad coming!”

“Whoops, Auxiliary Jack’s gotta run!”

“Is everything OK up here, dear? I thought I heard a raspy male voice telling obvious, improbable lies.”

“I’m fine, Dad. I was just listening to my iPhone on my Polk Audio miDock Portfolio!”

“Well,
so you were! Good for you! Listen, honey, uh…something smells funny up
here. Did you have another accident in your pants?”

“No, Dad. But I think my imaginary friend did.”

Warranty: 1 Year Polk Audio

Features:

• Compact and light size enables you to carry it around in your briefcase or bag, wherever you’re going
• Compatible with iPods (iPod shuffle & iPhone uses auxiliary input)
• High-efficiency digital amplification technology makes the speakers sound much bigger than they actually are
• Can operate on 4AA batteries for over 8 hours, or use the supplied AC adapter for unlimited playing
• Auxiliary
  Input for use with other audio sources like computer, portable CD
  player, SanDisk Sansa or anything that has a 3.5mm minijack
• Charges your iPod when docked
• Includes a padded Protective Carry case
• Dimensions (6-3/8” H x 7-7/8” W x 4-5/8” D)

iPod Compatibility:

• iPods 5th Generation and previous: Plays and Charges
• iPod Shuffle: Uses Auxiliary Jack, Won’t charge
• iPhone 3G: Uses Auxiliary, Won’t charge
• 4th Gen Nano: Will Play, Won’t Charge
• 2nd Gen Touch: Will Play, Won’t Charge

In the box:

• miDock Portfolio
• Carrying Bag
• Adapter Backings for iPods
• Power Adapter

8 in 1 controller on a dead man’s chest
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
Extensive database means you’ll like it best
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
The numbers are a backlit LCD screen
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
Which shows you only the keys you need
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
It can learn from a different IR remote
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
Should work with a PC or at least you can hope
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
Hey, wait, is that an approaching ship
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
No, seriously, guys, I think see a ship
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
Guys, come on, I think it’s the Navy
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
They’re gonna throw us in the brig and whip us daily
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
Come on, I’m not talking about the Prestigo any more
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
We gotta make a break for it before they reach the door
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
I can see them disembarking and they have guns
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
Why are you all still singing that stupid song about the rum
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
Look, this is futile, I’ve done all that I can
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
And everyone is acting like they don’t understand
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
Great, fine, whatever, you guys stay here and get caught
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
I’m gonna grab one of these Prestigo Remotes and get lost
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
You’re the stupidest pirates I’ve ever known
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM
That’s it, I’m leaving, good luck, you’re on your own
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM

Warranty: 1 Year Philips

Features:

• Touchscreen LCD screen with backlight for convenience in the dark
• 8 in 1 controller for all home entertainment equipment
• Extensive infrared code database for most devices & brands
• Convenient IR learning from another remote
• Shows only the keys you need on the touch-sensitive display
• Easy access to advanced commands via interactive LCD display
• Rotary cursor control for fast menu navigation
• Control multiple devices with a single touch
• Intelligent setup wizard means no PC needed for installation
• No manual needed for set up

Convenience:

• Universal IR database: TV, VCR, DVD, SAT, CABLE, CD/MD, RECEIVER, AMP, TIVO, PC, TAPE, TV-DVD, TV-VCR, DVR
• Scrollwheel
• Backlight color: White
• On-Screen Display languages: English, French, German, Spanish

Infrared Capabilities:

• Operating distance: 33 ft (10 m)
• Learning IR codes
• Transmitting LEDs: 2
• Number of brands in database: Over 1100
• Carrier frequency range: 30k – 100kHz + 455kHz

Power:

• Battery saving manager: Auto switch on/off
• Battery type: AA / LR6 Alkaline
• Number of batteries: 3

In the box:

• Philips SRU9600 Prestigo Universal Remote
• Users Guide

I’m a projector, I cannot sleep
Until I project you some games or TV
I don’t do hi-def, no HD quality
But still, you can get me really cheap

You will buy me, yes you will buy me
You won’t pay much but you will buy me
Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly
But bigger and unable to fly

I’m your projector
Olens projector
So what do you want to see
At 640 by 480?
I’m your projector
Olens projector
I’ll show what you want to see
But just not in HD

I feed you your TV by day and by night
I need to be 2 meters back for the picture to look right
You protest, “Hey you’re not HD”
I say “At this price, what do you want from me?”

My picture appears again, you see the beauty there
So it’s not in HD, what do you care?
Your circumstances won’t let you afford your dreams
Now go tack up that bedsheet you use as a screen

I’m your projector
Olens projector
So what do you want to see
At 640 by 480?
I’m your projector
Olens projector
I’ll show what you want to see
But just not in HD

Warranty: 1 Year Olens

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Features:

• 640 x 480 (VGA) resolution
• Projects a 50 inch picture at 2 meters, can project up to 70 inches
• 270 watt lamp produces a clear and bright picture in slightly dark rooms
• 300 hour lamp life (extra lamp included)
• Composite, S-Video, and VGA video connections allows you to connect computers and video game systems
• Built in stereo speakers, 2 watts each

Specifications:

• Resolution: 640 X 480 pixels (VGA)
• Projection: 50 inches at 2 meters
• Support: Composite Video (AV) – RCA jack, S-Video, VGA / PC jack
• Power: AC / 120V
• Lumen Flux: 300 LM
• Audio: Built-in Stereo 2W X 2 speakers
• Life of Lamp: 300 Hours (easy to replace)
• Control Key: Menu, up / down, enter / exit, DC Power (ON / OFF)
• Main Power: AC Power Switch
• Cooling: Low Noise Fans (three fans)
• Dimensions: 390×200 x 103 mm (W x D x H)

In the box:

• Olens Technology XPJ-USA010 Projector
• Extra 300 hour lamp
• Power Cable
• Remote
• Composite Video and Audio Cable
• Users Guide

Time to kick back with some nice, relaxing factory work. Factory Balls 2 is a lot more fun than most real-life factories, requiring you to solve a series of logic puzzles to produce a ball that looks just the one on the box.

Now that we have channel after channel of 24 hour news, it is
practically impossible to get an exclusive story. You think Wolf wants
to leave his nice comfortable Situation Room to chase down video?
That’s for the little people. The man on the street. The you and the me.

So
now we are all news deputies. Footage of a hurricane? Cow with a rifle?
Baby who looks like a lemon? Gather it up and send it in and maybe
these millionaire journalists will throw a t-shirt your way if it buys
them one more rating point. You like like getting t-shirts, right?
Well, then you might want a Dazzle Video Creator Platinum.

Just
like an expensive video board with the expensive parts removed, the
Dazzle Video Creator Platinum has composite and S-Video inputs, as well
as Stereo audio RCA jacks for sound. You can
recreate the feeling of being in an actual editing bay, pretending that
you can add a soul to Lou Dobbs and Larry King in post. And you can bet
that means the Dazzle Video Creator Platinum is powerful stuff.

There’s
also the included Pinnacle Studio Quickstart software, which will make
adding effects a breeze. You’ll be able to handle stills, tiles, add
background music, and do all the things that make Anderson Cooper so
popular with the ladies. And also Tom Cruise. Additionally our lawyer
says you’re not allowed to read anything into that statement and you
must take it literally. Failure to do so will not be constituted as a
statement made by us.

The Dazzle Video Creator Platinum will
let you make videos right from an input source, without even needing
hard drive space. You can compress to MPEG-1, MPEG-2 and MPEG-3, as well as create videos for the PSP, iPod or DivX. And you can record right to a DVD
burner with full resolution quality, no matter where you travel. That
plus two full cases of whiskey could make you the next Charles Kuralt!

So
don’t wind up like Andrea Thompson, out looking for psychic ghosts that
will pay her rent. Start building a bridge to the part of news that
matters: the content department. Use the Dazzle Video Creator Platinum
to put your old footage together in a new and exciting way. If it
doesn’t impress Wolf, you can always try The MoMA.

Warranty: 90 Day Pinnacle

Features:

• Preserve, enhance, and share your home videos and TV recordings on DVDs and more
• Quick to Connect – Just connect your camcorder and plug into your PC’s USB 1.1 or Hi-Speed USB 2.0 port…you’re ready to go
• Video capture device with MPEG-1, MPEG-2, and MPEG-4 compression hardware
• Simple to Use – Capture from virtually any video source, with full resolution DVD quality
• Easy to Archive – Record your videos directly to DVD without copying to your hard drive, saving both time and space with Pinnacle Instant DVD Recorder software
• Effortless
  to Edit – Trim your videos, add effects, stills, titles, and background
  music, even create movies automatically, and then save them to DVD, iPod, PSP, or DivX with Pinnacle Studio QuickStart
• Fun to Share – Send your movies to portable video players, such as Apple Video iPod, Sony PSP, and video phones
• Powerful to Run – On-board MPEG-1, MPEG-2, MPEG-4, and DivX recording hardware creates high-quality videos without tying up your PC

Specifications:

Hardware Specifications

• Video inputs: Composite video (RCA), S-Video (mini-DIN)
• Audio inputs: Stereo audio (RCA x2)
• On-board MPEG-1, MPEG-2, MPEG-4, and DivX® compression hardware
• PC connection: Hi-Speed USB 2.0 or USB 1.1

Software Specifications

• Capture from any video source with composite (RCA) or S-Video output

Capture Formats

• Hardware compressed MPEG-1, MPEG-2 & MPEG-4

Import Formats (Studio QuickStart)

• Video: DV, AVI, MPEG-1, MPEG-2, DivX®, MPEG-4, Windows Media® Format, Non-encrypted DVD Titles
• Audio: WAV, MP3
• Graphics: BMP, JPG, PCT, TGA, TIF, Windows Media Format

Export Formats (Studio QuickStart)

• Video CD (VCD) or S-VCD with optional CD burner (CD-R or CDRW)
• iPod & PSP compatible (MPEG4)
• DVD with optional DVD burner (DVD-R, DVD-RW, DVD+R or DVD+RW)
• DV, AVI, DivX, RealVideo® 8, Windows Media 9, MPEG-1, MPEG-2, MPEG-4 files
• Dolby® Digital 2 channel and 5.1 channel audio (requires advanced codec pack)

Minimum System Requirements:

• Windows® XP (SP1 or higher)
• Windows Vista 32 Bit
• Intel® Pentium® or AMD® Athlon® 1.4 GHz or higher (2.4 GHz or higher recommended)
• 512 MB RAM (1 GB recommended)
• DirectX® 9 or higher compatible graphics card with 64 MB (ATI® Radeon® or NVIDIA® GeForce™ 3 or higher, with 128 MB recommended)
• DirectX 9 or higher compatible sound card (Creative® Audigy® or M-Audio® recommended)
• 1 GB of disk space to install software and +3 GB to install bonus content
• 1 USB 2.0 (Hi-Speed) or USB 1.1 port
• DVD burner for creating DVDs

In the box:

• Pinnacle DVC170 Dazzle Video Creator Platinum
• Pinnacle Instant DVD Recorder software
• Pinnacle Studio QuickStart software
• Quick Installation and Getting Started guides

A lot of economic simulations take a Pollyannaish view of how things get done, a tidy little system of honest producers and rational consumers straight out of Adam Smith. Not Oiligarchy. As a petroleum executive, you not only explore and drill for oil - you also grease political palms, discredit environmentalists, clear-cut forests, and get compliant government officials to crush popular uprisings, all while keeping a contentious board of directors happy enough that you don’t get fired. The cuteness of the graphics makes its realpolitik all the more striking.

• Eagle on presidential seal replaced by Tofurky™ brand meat substitute
• New rule: anyone who beats the President in Jenga takes responsibility for Iraq
• Use his newfound influence to get the gig he really wants: panelist on The Best Damn Sports Show Period
• Quietly remove Dick Cheney’s tarrasque from the basement of the VP Mansion
• Now that things have slowed down, finally get around to returning that broken tv to Circuit Cit… oh.
• Relax import restrictions to allow Cuba to send us some of their smokin’ hot Latina babes
• Spend $14 million on a graphic designer who will update the flag by making the stars a slightly more modern shade of white
• Lob a couple of missiles into Romania, just to let the vampires know we’re paying attention
• Free health insurance for any American who promises to never, ever get sick
• All scissors to be replaced with the less dangerous rounded-tip kind
• Look into buying that America-shaped island in Dubai, just in case

BEEP

Uh, hey, Rory. It’s me, Fritz. Hope things are going well. Listen, uh, I’m calling you on my Uniden DECT2080-2
Dual Handset Cordless Phone to say “I’m sorry.” I know things got a
little heated during the campaign, and we both said and did some things
we wish we could take back. When I called you a Fascist, I didn’t
realize that your Dad had been a political prisoner in Chile under
Pinochet. Honest to God, I had no idea.

So I’m hoping you’ll
give me a call back and we can get back to hanging out. The indoor
badminton season’s about to start, and the ShuttleRockers won’t be the
same without you. And hey, I haven’t forgotten that invitation to come
over and watch your tape of bloopers and outtakes from The Golden Girls. That Rue McLanahan wardrobe malfunction sounds awesome.

Of
course, that invitation was extended before the whole veep-debate
incident. I swear, if I’d known that was your wife under that Joe Biden
mask, I never would’ve elbowed her in the throat. I understand if you
want to wait a little while before having me over to the house again.

Anyway, if I’m not home, just leave a message on my Uniden DECT2080-2’s
digital answering machine. Oh, and I’m really sorry about that little
present I left for you in your car. I think the blood will come out of
the upholstery with a little baking soda. I don’t know about the smell,
though. Sorry. Later.

BEEP

Warranty: 1 Year Uniden

Features:

• DECT 6.0 Interference Free Cordless Frequency – (1.9 GHz Digital Enhanced Cordless Telecommunications)
• 2 handset system with Caller ID
• Digital
  Answering System – The product utilizes microchip technology (no more
  tapes or moving parts.) This ensures clearer recordings and longer life.
• Clear voice reception with brilliant sound
• Work in wireless home networking (WLAN) environments without negative impact
• Whole house coverage
• Long battery life with rechargeable NiMH battery
• Up to 16 hours talk time and 10 hours standby
• Expandable – Register 6 Handsets to 1 Base
• Conference
  Call – You can hold a 3-way conversation (conference call) between your
  handset, an external caller and another internal handset user
• Supports caller ID and call waiting (Requires a telephone company service subscription)
• 30 Caller ID Handset Memory Locations
• Handset Speakerphone – This feature gives you the freedom to use the handset as a speakerphone
• Advanced
  Phonebook Features – Store up to 70 names, alphabetical search, unique
  ringers by calling party and transfer single listing or entire phonebook
• Intercom or Call Transfer Between Handsets
• Remembers the last 10 numbers dialed
• Allows phonebooks to be transfered between handsets
• Bilingual menus, English and Spanish
• Digital tapeless recording that stores up to 14 minutes of recording time and records up to 59 messages
• Remote message retrieval with toll saver
• Personal or Pre-recorded outgoing messages

In the box:

• Base
• 2 Handsets
• 2 AC Adapters
• 2 Rechargeable Batteries
• 1 Telephone Cord
• Charger
• 2 Belt Clips
• 1 Wall Mount Adapter

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

RAMSEY, Minn. (UPI)—Police in Ramsey, Minn., said a 7-year-old trick-or-treater came home with more than candy Halloween night—someone gave him 2.2 grams of methamphetamine.

In a related story, police found the body of a junkie who died while trying to smoke a fun-size Milky Way.

WASHINGTON (AP)—Wash your hands, folks, especially you ladies. A new study found that women have a greater variety of bacteria on their hands than men do.

Young researchers at the Institute For Cootie Shots announced they felt vindicated at the findings of the study.

GLASTONBURY, England (UPI)—A British 19-year-old has officially changed his name to “Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined.”

He looks forward to staying untouched and in mint condition for the rest of his natural life.

LONDON (UPI)—British and U.S. scientists say they’ve determined the extinct sabertooth cat was likely a social animal, living and hunting much like today’s lions.

Scientists also think that the great cat would have been able to climb into a house at night, and use specially evolved claws to lock the owner outside during the end credits.

TOKYO (UPI)—The Japanese air force chief of staff was fired for writing an essay in which he said Japan’s wartime aggression was positive, officials said.

However, officials added that since the assignment had been “All About My Pet”, the chief of staff would get a gold star for creativity.

EINDHOVEN, Netherlands (UPI)—Dutch scientists say they have cracked the so-called McEliece encryption system—a candidate to provide security during the age of quantum computing.

According to scientists, this discovery raises the chance of Hollywood making a terrible action movie about a computer virus infecting the past to 75%.

Today we’re proud to feature the Dremel 1130-01 Duo Kit 7.2v 2-Tool
Kit with Stylus and Driver. The Dremel name is associated with quality
and class, so we’re happy that our little site is finally getting some
respect. Trust us, we’re ready and we’re happy to finally be all grown
up.

Now, let’s talk about the Dremel 1130-01 Duo Kit 7.2v
2-Tool Kit with Stylus and Driver. The first thing you’ll notice is
that the Dremel Duo is made perfectly, designed to fit right in the
palm of your hand.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Whoa,
hey, guys! Come on! We agreed, none of that today, right? Sorry,
everyone, old habits, you know. So, the Dremel Duo. The Dremel Duo is
compact and lightweight, under 5 inches long, and gets in places other
tools can’t.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Guys,
really! This Dremel Duo comes with a rotary tool for engraving, sanding
and polishing. There’s also a screwdriver tool, and the Dremel Duo is
cordless, so you can work it all around the house.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Guys! Are you going to do this the whole time no matter what comes out of my mouth?

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

The Dremel Duo gets you close to the work?

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

The Dremel Duo is always ready?

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

The Dremel Duo has a lithium-ion battery?

We got nothing on that one.
Yeah, keep going.
Try to keep them more like you were doing before.

The 7.2v motor allows for a wide range of applications?

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

The docking station keeps your tool charged?

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Well,
thanks so much, guys. So our big day of showing of how adult we can be
is ruined, all because of you. We just hope that our customers are
interested in using the Dremel 1130-01 Duo Kit 7.2v 2-Tool Kit with
Stylus and Driver anyway. It’s designed to work in the left hand or the
right!

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

I hate you guys sometimes.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Warranty: 2 Year Dremel

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Dremel Cordless Stylus Features:

• Unique contours grip designed for superior precision and control
• Finger-tip on/off switch for one-handed operation
• Rechargeable 7.2V Lithium-ion battery holds a single charge up to 2 years. Recharge any time with out memory effects
• Variable speed 5,000 – 25,000 ROM for precise control in a variety of materials and applications
• Compact and ultra-lightweight
• Great for intricate work such as fine detail, sanding, polishing, engraving, and etching

Dremel Cordless Driver Features:

• Powerful 7.2V motor, for a wide range of screw driving applications. Can drive up to 3” screws
• Compact, lightweight, and under 5” in length. Gets in tight spaces others can’t
• Rechargeable 7.2V Lithium-ion battery holds a single charge up to 2 years. Recharge any time with out memory effects
• Ergonomically-optimized grip with T-Handle design for balanced comfort and control
• Precision variable speed trigger with reverse, for superior control when starting, driving and removing fasteners
• Motor brake, provides control and reduces screw stripping
• Automatic collet lock, for hand tightening when needed
• High powered, rare earth magnetic git holder; can hold standard 1/4” hex shank bits securely

In the box:

• Dremel Cordless Stylus
• Dremel Cordless Driver
• Screwdriver bit storage
• Tool Storage Bay
• Accessory Case with Polishing, Engraving, and Sanding Bits

Instead of dredging up some cornball election-themed game for today, I’m going to engage in what Les Moonves would call “counter-programming”. Presenting Cubefield, a fast-paced dodge-the-cubes flying game that’s the perfect mind-number for the election-weary.

The year’s winding down, friends, but Woot’s Calendar De-Crapping project is still charging ahead at full steam. Why? Partly because we’re the kind of people who, having started something, see it through to its completion. But partly it’s just out of our failure to think of any better ways to occupy our time. So much the better for you! Here’s another totally free, gallery-quality, original custom artwork suitable for pasting over the November picture in your wall calendar.

To replace your unsatisfactory calendar artwork with this festive, seasonal design, just click the thumbnail below and print the image that appears in your browser. Paste, tape or staple it over your calendar’s existing “November” image, and enjoy it all month long!

This month’s picture celebrates our country’s Puritan heritage—a heritage of which we at Woot are reminded about four times weekly when our best ideas for shirt.woot designs are rejected at staff meetings on the grounds that they’re “obscene.” Seriously, people, the human body is a beautiful creation, and it’s only natural to want to see it nude, slathered in honey, maple syrup, chocolate sauce or other sticky confections. Oh, well.

If your calendar’s still got an un-de-crapped month in it, check our blog for our complete collection of replacement calendar art:

January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October

Go out and vote today, didja? Do your civic duty as a good little
soldier? Line up with all the other obedient little sheep to be shorn
by your masters? I’m running out of trite metaphors, so I’ll just say
it: not me, man. Not me. I wouldn’t even know where to go to vote. I’m no sucker. I’m no dum-dum. Which IS a kind
of sucker. And that can’t be a coincidence.

So I didn’t
bother. I mean, choosing between Tweedlebama and Tweedlecain? Face it,
dude: except for the economy, taxes, healthcare, defense, foreign
affairs, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, the environment, abortion, civil
rights, gay rights, education, and energy, their policies are EXACTLY THE SAME.
They’re like these two SteelSeries Icemat Siberia In-Ear Headsets, if
the candidates were both versatile, compact headsets designed for use