I, Mildred Gillingham, being of sound mind despite the many
indignities I’ve suffered at the hands of my ungrateful and
embarrassing family, do hereby designate this instrument as my last
will and testament.

To my son, Reinhold, I leave one handset from my AT&T SL82408 DECT 6.0 Digital 4 Handset Cordless Phone, with the innovative DECT 6.0
Digital Technology’s improved range and sound quality over existing
2.4GHz and 5.8 GHz cordless phone models, to be held in escrow until
such time as he quits that job writing vulgar Internet advertisements
and takes a position befitting a son of mine. It’s never too late to go
to accounting school.

To my niece, Holly, I leave one handset from my AT&T SL82408 DECT 6.0
Digital 4 Handset Cordless Phone, contingent upon her finding a nice
man to settle down with. She’s too pretty a girl to stay stuck in that
lesbian phase forever.

To my driver, Lucius, I leave one handset from my AT&T SL82408 DECT 6.0 Digital 4 Handset Cordless Phone, in recognition of his decades of loyal service, without receiving a raise since 1967.

To my granddaughter, Bryanneah, I leave the base unit and handset from my AT&T SL82408 DECT 6.0
Digital 4 Handset Cordless Phone, which she may take ownership of when
she has gotten her weight down to 115 pounds. You may as well start
losing weight now, dear. It’s not going to get any easier once you get
out of middle school.

To my lorikeet, Buttons, I leave the
remaining sum total of all assets in my estate, real and liquid,
including cash, securities, land, fine art, jewelry, gold, and
McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces, because that’s the kind of crazy thing
that wealthy, mean-spirited old lunatics like me really enjoy.

Warranty: 90 Day VTech

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Features:

• DECT 6.0
  Digital Technology – Digitally Enhanced Cordless Telecommunication is a
  new frequency band that transmits your voice across multiple channels,
  that provides superior quality of voice, sound, and high protection
  against wiretapping.
• Four handset system with speaker phone on each handset
• Transfer calls between handsets, and intercom capabilities between handsets
• Better
  range than 2.5GHz and 5.8GHz phone systems, talk anywhere in your home
  or office without interference from a wireless network
• Caller ID, allows you to view the name, number, time, and date of incoming calls at a glance; even those on call waiting
• Stores name, number, time and date of up to 50 incoming calls, whether or not the phone is answered. Numbers stored in Caller ID Log can be dialed directly from memory
• Visual message waiting indicator – If you subscribe to a voicemail service, the phone will indicate when you have a message
• Digital
  answering machine has 14 minutes of digital recording time, call
  screening/intercept, remote access, time/day stamp, and voice prompts
• Large display handsets with blue back lit keypad

In the box:

• Base
• 4 Cordless Handsets
• 4 NiMH Batteries
• 4 Belt Clips
• 3 Chargers
• Telephone Line Cord
• User’s Manual
• Quick Start Guide

No time to tarry here on a busy Friday - just enough to take a moment to gaze into the Internet looking-glass and bask in our own reflected glory…

• Our new Google ads, written with the economic crisis in mind, sparked a debate about ethics, responsibility, and whether we were funny jerks or just regular jerks. TechCrunch asked “Offensive, or offensively funny?”, Brent Terrazas wondered “irresponsible ad copy or are people over-reacting?”, Silicon Valley Insider noted that “this is not Woot’s first creative and funny idea “ (thanks for noticing!), and Conde Nast Portfolio called it “tastelessness in the face of economic distress”. The bloggers who noticed the ads first, Slacker at Work, got the point when they said we “really know how to grab your attention!” We had no idea so many people would notice a couple of goofy text ads, but you won’t hear us complaining.
• We also took a couple of bold meta-steps into the quasi-political pseudo-arena this past week. Brett’s Brain liked our debate parody enough to reprint the whole thing, while various Twitterererers found it “hilarious”, “hysterical”, “awesome”. It’s nice to know we didn’t scramble to write those jokes in two hours for nothing. If anybody knows anybody at SNL or The Daily Show, feel free to send them a link to that piece, heh…I can be bought, and probably for less than you think.
• Our other politrickery was the debut of the Bigfoot-Nessie ‘08 t-shirt. The Lone Star pundits at Politex noted “No surprise. The T-shirt sold out.”
• I love it when we show up in a slice-of-life blog post, especially one that says that a phone call about that day’s Woot deal “felt so much like phone sex”. Alas, the product was sold out - sorry about the consumerus interruptus!
• When A Good Woot Goes Bad is a cautionary tale about the messed-up Breville espresso machines we sold. Whoops. Humbling after all the happy-talk about our writeups. You can’t drink debate jokes, you know?

Thanks, errbody (as we say in tha Lou). If you think you can do a better job of ferreting out Woot commentary from the e-morass, post your linkage below.

Let’s face it: a lot of you dudes out there have no idea how to
treat a lady. On the rare occasion when you do charm, flatter, cajole,
or blackmail a woman into spending time with you, you miss a key
opportunity to win her over by not giving her a gift on your first
date. Even a small token of affection can go a long way to make her
favorably disposed to you, possibly avoiding tension, embarassment, and
costly litigation later. As a public service to the lonely and/or
unsettling and/or excessively sweaty single man, here’s our guide to
first-date gifts.

Chocolate: sweet and
indulgent, yes. And harmful to your date’s health, and habit-forming,
and probably harvested by some 8-year-old slave in Sierra Leone. What
is wrong with you, you monster?

Flowers: on
the one hand, everybody likes flowers, and there’s not much confusion
about what they mean. On the other hand, it’s a little predictable. And
unless you’re picking her up at her place, they’ll be kind of a burden
for her to tote around all night. Also, consider the insect pests that
may be lurking among the petals. For instance, a botfly maggot will
chew its way into a person’s body and gorge itself for weeks until it
becomes so distended and bloated from its meals of human flesh that it
pops out through the skin. Not the kind of impression you hope to make
on a first date!

Wine:
while it can be useful in sussing out important characteristics about
your date – if she pops it open on the spot and starts drinking, run
the other way – it also says “I’m trying to lower your inhibitions so I
can have my way with you.” Some women may be turned off by this message.

Firearms:
a thoughtful and practical gift, but studies show that most shooting
victims are shot by people they know. Don’t become a statistic.

A brand new car:
for guys who like to come on strong, this could be just the thing. Be
warned, though – if the evening goes poorly, etiquette dictates that
it’s rude to ask for it back.

Paper clips:
not recommended, unless you met through an online paper-clip-fetishist
forum, or one of the many dating services that cater to office-supply
enthusiasts.

The HP Pavilion s3401f Slimline Dual Core 2.6 GHz Desktop PC: the Athlon 64 X2 (B) 5000+ 2.6 GHz (65W) base processor says “I like to move fast”, but the 360gb 7200 RPM SATA hard drive says “I’ll give you your space.” 6 USB
ports suggest that you’re open-minded. And rare indeed is the woman who
can resist a man bearing integrated 10/100 Base-T networking interface
with Wireless LAN 802.11 b/g. Everybody
hates Windows Vista, so you’ll have a shared interest to talk about
during those awkward moments. It’s true what they say: the way to a
woman’s heart is through her HP Pavilion s3401f Slimline Dual Core 2.6 GHz Desktop PC.

Warranty: 1 Year HP

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Features:

• Athlon 64 X2 (B) 5000+ 2.6 GHz (65W) base processor
• 2GB PC2-6400 MB/sec 240 pin, DDR2 SDRAM, upgradeable to 4 GB
• 360GB 7200 RPM SATA hard drive
• 16X DVD± R/RW 12X RAM ±R DL LightScribe SATA drive
• GeForce 6150SE nForce 430 chipset
• Available PCI Express x16 card slot for upgraded video card
  
• Integrated 10/100 Base-T networking and 56K bps data/fax modem
• Wireless LAN 802.11 b/g
• 15-in-1 (4 slot) memory card reader
• 6 USB 2.0 ports, 2 front and 4 in the rear
• Windows Vista Home Premium with Windows Media Center (32-bit) and Service Pack 1

Specifications:

In the box:

• HP Pavilion s3401f Desktop PC
• Keyboard
• Mouse
• Power Cable
• Phone Cable
• Wireless Antenna

“Father Grabarkiewicz! My G- uh, I’m so glad you’re here!”

“I came as soon as I could. Where’s the baby?”

“Right
this way…but, Father, I should warn you to be prepared. He’s not – it’s
not a – it’s not something you – it’s horrible, Father!”

“Heaven preserve us…you’re right…”

”…True 1080p resolution! True 1080p resolution! Uncompressed digital interface! Uncompressed digital interface!…”

“How long has he been babbling like this?”

“Since midnight, Father, when the Westinghouse LVM-37W3SE 37” 1080p HDTV Ready LCD Monitor appeared on Woot.”

”…Accepts and processes and outputs any 1080p source input as opposed to merely upscaling a 720p source!…”

“Ah, it all makes sense – terrible, terrible sense. That’s the monitor that had all those EDID bugs, isn’t it?”

“Yes,
but only in an initial limited production lot. Westinghouse says none
of the ones offered for sale by Woot have that problem.”

“That’s true. But perhaps they were left…spiritually vulnerable.”

”…high-performance HD digital cable, HD satellite and an HD game console all at once! Fat pipe fat pipe fat pipe!…”

“Let me see what I can do. Monitor! Westinghouse LVM-37W3SE LCD Monitor! I speak your name and command you to leave this child!”

”…Genesis Display Perfection® technology! Genesis Display Perfection® technology!…”

“Marketing
buzzwords cannot save you! Release this innocent child, who is too pure
of heart to even know the difference between 1080p and 720p! I command
it!”

”…176-degree viewing angle! HDTV ready! HDTV ready!…”

“You dare invoke HDTV? You dare? I know your secret, beast! You do not even include an HDTV tuner!”

”…No! Nooo!…”

“Back, tunerless foulness! I command you to return to the ‘HDTV-ready’ pit whence you rose!”

”…no…no…”

“There. He should sleep soundly now.”

“Oh, thank you, Father. I started to wonder if I’d ever have my baby back.”

“Please don’t thank me. It’s my duty. Now, I’m afraid I must depart.”

“Where are you going, Father?”

“I feel…strangely compelled…to buy a Westinghouse LVM-37W3SE 37” 1080p HDTV Ready LCD Monitor.”

Warranty: 1 Year Westinghouse

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Features:

• 1920×1080 native resolution with more than 2 million pixels and capable of displaying 16.7 million colors
• True 1080p monitor - can accept, process and output any 1080p source input, as opposed to merely
  creating a 1080p output by upscaling a 720p source.
• HDTV
  ready, attach HD digital cable, HD satellite, HD game console, Blu-Ray
  player or a PC/Notebook using uncompressed digital interfaces (Tuners
  not included)
• Amazingly thin for its size - 4.7 inches deep (without base) and VESA install options gives you flexibility to hanging it on your wall or installing it in an armoire
• Pair of 15 watt speakers, plug it in and start playing right away
• Convenient switched stereo audio outputs allow the ultimate flexibility for external receivers and surround-sound processors
• Innovative SpineDesign™ allows easy side access to connectors and keeps cables organized
• DayBright anti-glare coating, perfect viewing in any lighting condition
• Auto Source feature automatically detects a source and switches to it

Display Specifications

• Viewable Screen Size: 37” Diagonal
• Aspect Ratio: 16:9
• Native/Optimum Resolution: 1920×1080
• Color Capability: 16.7 Million colors

Connectors

• 1 HDMI-HDCP + L/R Audio: 480i/p, 720p, 1080i, 1080p
• 1 DVI -HDCP + L/R Audio: 480i/p, 720p, 1080i, 1080p
• 1 VGA/D-Sub/RGB + Audio mini jack: 480i/p, 720p, 1080i, 1080p
• 2 YPbPr Component Video + L/R Audio: 480i/p, 720p, 1080i
• 1 S-Video+ L/R Audio: 480i
• 1 Composite Video + L/R Audio: 480i
• 1 L/R Audio out, Switched, Fixed Volume

Compatible Modes

• NTSC: 480i
• HD Ready: 480p, 720p, 1080i, 1080p
• PC: 1920×1080, 640×480, 800×600, 1024×768
• Clear QAM: Not Compatible

Picture

• Contrast Ratio: 1000:1
• Brightness: 550 cd/m2
• Color Gamut: 75% NTSC
• Lamp Life: 60,000 Hrs
• Viewing Angle: 176° Horizontal, 176° Vertical
• Response Time: 8 ms

Video Processing

• Progressive Scan
• Aspect Ratio Conversion
• CCS (Cross Color Suppressor)
• 3D Noise Reduction
• PIP
• Inverse 3:2 Pulldown
• Freezing Picture
• 3D Video Processing
• 3D Comb Filter
• Genesis Display Perfection

Dimensions and Weight

• 37.3” x 25.9” x 8.2” (with Base)
• 50 lbs (with Base)
• 37.3” x 23.8” x 4.7” (w/o Base)
• 43 lbs (w/o Base)
• 43.5” x 31.0” x 12.8” (carton dimensions)
• 65 lbs (carton weight)

Audio

• 2-15 watt speakers

Cabinet Color

• Silver/Black

Installation Options

• 8 Hole Pattern
• 75mm x 75mm VESA® Pattern
• 100mm x 100mm VESA® Pattern wall mounts

In the box:

• Westinghouse LVM-37W3SE 37” 1080p HDTV Ready LCD Monitor
• Power Cable
• Remote Control
• Users Guide

Westinghouse Statement:

• The Westinghouse LVM-37W3SE 1080p monitor offered for sale by Woot incorporates the correct EDID data. An initial limited production lot had incorrect EDID data and this batch is not part of the Woot offering.

Westinghouse Pixel Policy: A LCD TV will be considered dead on arrival (D.O.A.) with regard to defective pixels on the LCD panel when any one of the following criteria is met:

• A total of 5 defective pixels including both bright dots and dark dots are present
• 2 or more pairs of adjacent bright dots are present

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer
our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The
news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have
to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

WEST CHESTER,
Ohio, Oct. 7 (UPI)—A suspicious package delivered to U.S. Rep. John
Boehner’s West Chester, Ohio, office turned out to be raw bacon, the
Butler County Bomb Squad said.

The delivery man has been charged with bacon and entering.

GREENVILLE, S.C. (AP)—Federal agents swept
through a chicken processing plant Tuesday, detaining more than 300
suspected illegal immigrants, sending panicked workers running and
screaming through the hallways.

An unknown number of illegal immigrants escaped by crossing the road.

CARACAS, Venezuela (AP) - Give up your gas-guzzler and get a free car. That’s President Hugo Chavez’s offer to Venezuelans.

But you’ve gotta get down to Hugo’s Tri-State Pontiac right now for the Gimme Your Guzzler fall sales event! Like the world’s petroleum reserves, these deals won’t last forever!

VILLAGE OF BARKER,
N.Y. (UPI)—A Village of Barker, N.Y., man said he survived being struck
by lightning, with only minimal injuries, while pumping gas into his
car.

Experts say that after the last year of gas prices the man was prepared for any shock that might occur at the pumps.

ROME (UPI)—Pope Benedict XVI Monday
kicked off a weeklong televised Bible marathon featuring more than
1,200 people reading the Christian and Jewish testaments.

Unfortunately, the content of Genesis 19:30-19:36 means that the footage can only be shown after ten pm, and on cable.

SUZHOU, China (AP) - She’s around 80 years old. He’s 100. Breathless
scientists watched as the world’s most endangered turtles successfully
mated.

The two turtles have filed suit to prevent a Nevada man from releasing a DVD showing footage from the encounter.

SASKATOON,
Saskatchewan (UPI)—Police in Saskatoon, Canada, Tuesday shot and killed
a 100-pound wild cougar spotted relaxing in a man’s yard.

Young men of Saskatoon had mixed feelings and admitted that they would miss her when last call came around.

BODELWYDDAN, Wales (UPI)—Police say possible danger to motorists forced them to taser a sheep blocking traffic in North Wales.

Police
say the sheep admitted to having “three bags full” of what they
understood to be an illegal substance. The sheep claims it is the
victim of racial profiling.

WASHINGTON (UPI)—The
U.S. Food and Drug Administration said it has granted an exemption for
the first heart pump that provides temporary support for the heart’s
right side.

The pump has been nicknamed “Sarah Palin”.

Tom: From Belmont Park Racecourse, welcome to the second
lap of the 2008 Sierra Mist/Pennzoil Xtreme Race for the Presidency.
Two weeks ago, the candidates completed the swimsuit portion of the
competition, and are now ready to take questions from the American
people. From millions of questions posted on the Internet, there were
only maybe two good ones. So we brought in a bunch of undecided voters
to ask the same questions that were asked in the last debate, since
they all missed it. We’ll start with a question for you, Senator Mac,
from Paris London of Rome, Texas.

Paris London, voter:
My question is about the economy. Oh my God, what the hell are we going
to do? What the hell, man? Somebody, for God’s sake, do something!

Senator Mac:
My friend, a lot of Americans are angry, confused, and fearful right
now. I should know. I’m one of them. People are hurting, and not just
those people who deserve it. Why, just the other day, I paid $6.99 for
the very same buffet I used to pay $6.49 for. And that was the early
bird special. It’s clear that something, anything, needs to be done, no
matter how feckless or ineffectual. So I am instructing my subordinates
to suspend my campaign until the next question in this debate. It’s
time to get serious, my friends.

Senator Bam: While
they’ve been living the high life on Wall Street, all the lowlifes are
living on Main Street. Things have been positively 4th Street, but a
nightmare on Elm Street. We’ve seen 221 Baker Street turn into 21 Jump
Street. But look: the thing we have to do is cut the strings on these
golden parachutes. I pledge to you that within two years, I will
eliminate not only golden parachutes, but every color of parachute
besides the red, white, and blue.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
I’ll provide convenient, safe space heating at a reasonable price.
Also, all money will be given away free. I mean, we’re the government,
right? We can always print more.

Tom: And for our next question, over there in section F, Brad Nair of Bald Mountain, Wyoming.

Brad Nair, voter:
Hoo hoo hoo! Section F rules! All right! Listen, Senator Bam, I do a
lot of funnycar racing, I run the electric in my house off a gasoline
generator, and I drive my SUV from my front door to the garage where I keep my bigger SUV.
So the high price of gasoline is really hitting me in the wallet. What
are you going to do for me so I don’t have to change my own behavior in
any way?

Senator Bam: We’ve got to end our
dependence on foreign oil. Every dollar we send to Alberta,
Saskatchewan, and other foreign powers gets turned against us in
international amateur hockey competition. But look, it’s not going to
happen overnight. That’s why we have got to invest in alternative
energy sources right now, because we’ve got to recognize that the sun
is not going to be there forever. We need to grab that solar power
while we can.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
The greatest energy resource in America is right under our noses:
electricity. I mean, come on: it just comes out of holes in the wall!
You don’t need to mine anything or burn anything or whatever. And when
it runs out, you just go flip the circuit breaker back. As an
electrical appliance myself, let me come out and say that I’m a very
strong supporter of electricity. If that makes me unpopular, so be it.

Senator Mac:
My friends, let me tell you what my friends – not you guys in the
audience, my other friends up here on stage – have really done beyond
their fancy rhetoric and correct pronunciations of foreign words.
Senator Bam voted 38 – no, 125 – no, 497 times to raise the price of
gasoline. Approximately every four seconds, Senator Bam votes to raise
the price of gasoline. There, he just did it again. And DeLonghi
Multi-Position Ceramic Heater has a secret of his own: he’ll raise
taxes on 119% of Americans by an average of 900%, and require each
household to offer up two goats and three pecks of turnips. Don’t
bother looking in his platform for this. It’s not in there.
Fortunately, I overheard him talking about it in the men’s room.

Tom: The next question is to you, DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater, and it comes from Dale Glenn of Glendale, California.

Dale Glenn, voter: How can you the American people trust any of the candidates given the varying positions you’ve all adopted over the years?

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
Thank you for the question, Dale, and thanks for just being you. Dale,
I’m proud of my ability to take multiple positions if the situation
demands it, Dale. When the American people need a floor heater, I can
be a floor heater. But Dale, in times of great crisis that can somehow
be helped by me being a tower heater, well, I’m your man, too. Either
way, Dale, I provide 1500 watts of radiant, room-filling heat. I don’t
think any of the other candidates can say that, Dale.

Senator Mac:
My friends, this one talks a good game. But when the time came to stand
up for America, he voted for a budget festooned with goodies. And if
there’s one thing I hate, it’s goodies. In my day, when we wanted a
treat, we soaked a piece of stale bread in castor oil and sprinkled
nutmeg on it, with a glass of beet juice on the side. If that was good
enough for me, it’s good enough for America. And when I’m in the White
House, it will be.

Senator Bam: I’ve never wavered
in my commitment to the American people to remain fully committed to
the American people. That’s the kind of commitment I’m committed to.
But look: we don’t need more of the same policies we’ve seen these last
eight years. Reality is not a Choose Your Own Adventure novel, where
you can go back and see what would have happened if you’d investigated
the sound coming from the crash-landed UFO
instead of following the mysterious light into the woods. It’s time for
a president with the judgment to choose the right adventure the first
time.

Tom: Here’s another question from section F, on the subject of healthcare. Let’s hear from Heather Gray of Pantone, Louisiana.

Heather Gray, voter:
I am currently spending all of my income on health insurance for myself
and my eight cats. Do you have anything really petty and irrelevant to
say about lowering health care costs?

Senator Bam: You’re right, health insurance is too expensive. But look: what I would do is, put your health records online.

Senator Mac:
I’ve heard of this “online”, my friends, and it sounds like a great
place to store your most confidential, personal information.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
I have to agree. Put everybody’s health records on the Internet. To
those who object on the grounds of possible breaches of security and
privacy, I’ll just say this: ever heard of a little thing called a
password?

Tom: I’d like to ask the viewers at home
to please, if you’re playing a drinking game, to stop drinking when you
hear “my friend” or “but look”, for your own sake and that of your
loved ones. Now we’ll turn to foreign affairs. Our next question comes
from the Internet, and has to do with Pakistan. Is al-Qaeda up in ur
mountns plannin ur massacres, or do all their base belong to Pakistan?

Senator Mac:
Pakistan is a real problem, my friends. But the deal is, we have to
pretend we like them or we won’t get invited to Bangladesh’s skating
party. When it comes to bin Laden, I will stop at nothing to capture
him. But if Pakistan asks, you didn’t hear that from me, OK?

Senator Bam:
The fact of the reality of the matter is, Osama bin Laden is still out
there somewhere. He’s not in Iraq, and he’s not here tonight, so that’s
two places we can cross off our list. But look: every breath he takes,
every move he makes, every bond he breaks, every step he takes, we’ll
be watching him.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater: I say we stomp him, and then we tattoo him, and then we hang him, and then we kill him.

Tom: The next question will again come from section F, from a Mr. Pladimir Vutin of Moscow, Idaho.

Pladimir Vutin, voter:
Thank you in the name of the motherland. Candidates, the mighty Russian
empire was bringing light to the darkness of Central Asia when America
was just a bunch of naked beaver-trappers with malaria. How dare you
lecture one of the most advanced civilizations on Earth about how to
conduct her internal affairs?

Senator Bam: The
problem was, Putin went down to Georgia, looking for a soul to steal.
But look: he paid for it all with Granny’s caviar money. Russia’s
laughing all the way to the bank, or wherever they keep their money in
that messed-up country. So until we end our dependence on foreign
caviar, Russia wins.

Senator Mac: Our friends in
Georgia must know that they have friends in us, my friends. That is why
I will always, always stand by those brave, brave Duke boys. They’re
just good ol’ boys, never meaning no harm. And they’re fighting the
system like a true modern-day Robin Hood.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
See, the reason the Russians are such jerks is simple: they’re cold.
Send a couple hundred million of me over there and see if they don’t
kinda let all that Georgia and Chechnya-type crap just kinda slide off
their backs.

Tom: And our final question tonight
also comes from the Internet, and it has something of a Zenlike
quality: what do you not know that cannot be unknown, and when did you
know it?

Senator Bam: I’m glad someone has finally
asked that. But look: as I travel this nation seeking the votes of
Americans, I’m constantly reminded that people need help. Right now,
somebody out there has a flat tire. Somebody is trying to reach
something on a high shelf, only to find that in America today, reaching
high shelves is a right reserved only for the tall. Somebody else has
just run out of brown sugar, and may be turning to a neighbor or a
relative just to finish the recipe they started. I say, it’s
government’s job to give these people a hand. This is the best of
America at its worst. This is the highest point of our lowest moment.
And it’s time for the beginning of the middle of the end. Thank you.

Senator Mac:
Here’s what I know. My friends, our nation faces challenges the likes
of which we’ve never seen. The recession. The fuel crisis. The
gathering storm over Iran. And the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. But
with a leader like President Reagan, I’m confident that our nation will
see its way through the 1980’s in better shape than ever. And if you,
the good people of Arizona see fit to elect me Senator, I pledge to
always fight for your interests, against the special interests. Not
that you’re not special in your own way. You know what I’m saying.
Thank you.

DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater: Wait, what? What do I know – no, what do I not know? And what, now? I think I missed part of the question.

Tom: Thank you to the candidates, and to the horses of Belmont Park. Good night.

Warranty: 1 Year DeLonghi

Features:

• 1500 watts of radiant heat designed to warm your whole body, not just your feet
• Safe ceramic heating element provides intense directional flow of heat
• 2
  heat flow settings allow you to regulate the output of warm air. High
  setting for 1500 watts or low setting for 825 watts, alternately the
  fan can be operated with out heat for summer ventilation
• Multi-position design functions both as a tower and a floor heater, great for the living room or garage
• Automatic timer allows you to run the heater up to 4 continuous hours
• When used as a floor heater, the uniquely angled heat flow gets directed slightly upwards to extend the warming range
• Heavy-duty steel body construction
• Front roll bars prevent overheating that occurs when the grille is obstructed
• Roll-back
  safety system that automatically repositions the heater to a safe
  position in case the heater gets misplaced on the floor
• Anti-freeze setting automatically turns the heater on when the room temperature drops below 44°F
• Safety thermal cut-off ensures if the unit becomes to warm it automatically turns off

In the box:

• DeLonghi MCH710T Multi-Position Ceramic Heater

Brothers and sisters, the time of the Power Squid is nigh! Behold,
He will appear unto us as a five-tentacled being whose limbs course
with electricity! Discard your old “power strips,” silly relics!
Worthless idols from a misguided faith! What a horrible joke it was
that you once believed in such rude trinkets! Look upon the Power
Squid, consider your erstwhile confidence in the pathetic “power
strips” plugged into your home office outlets and laugh, or sob, at the
profundity of your error!

When He arrives, our old ways will
end! Recall how we once struggled to find grounded adapter-ready
outlets for our devices, five at a time? There are no words for the
abject triviality of such concerns to the Power Squid!

But wait! He is already here! Look! Look to woot.com! Do you see? Gods, no! Some of our cult can see two Power Squids! Speak of them, brothers!

One
is black, they say, and one is clad in a rubberized skin of silver, the
other in black! Or perhaps both are silver! Or both black! What’s that?
You think you would prefer to select the colors of the Power Squids
yourself? Foolish, insignificant insect! What matters your preference?
He will appear unto you as He appears, with less regard for your
preference than a flood has for the names of the beetles it drowns!

Hail
to the Power Squid! Oh, His arrival… it overwhelms me! I weep! With
trembling mouse, I click the “I Want One!” button! My mind is not my
own! Madness! Maaaaaadneesssss!

Warranty: 90 Day Phillips

Features:

• Converts 1 grounded outlet to 5 grounded adapter ready outlets
• Easily plug in 5 devices without struggling with strips, works with either standard or transformer plugs
• 3 Foot, 14 gauge grounded power cord, durable and versatile for the tough to reach jobs
• Lighted switch with 15-Amp circuit breaker
• Overload protection of 1875 watts
• Built-In keyhole slots (On Back) for flush mounting
• Power Blocker automatic shutdown

In the box:

• 2 Power Sentry Power Squids

The clanky Victorian steampunk aesthetic drove the whole durned Internet crazy for a while there. It became de rigeur to festoon everything with superfluous dials and valves and pipes, until even Gizmodo became “officially sick to death of steampunk.” But what would this chitty-chitty-junkyard aesthetic look like in a world where all the junk was Woot junk?

Show us a steampunk-style gizmo constructed or adapted from various past and/or future Woot items.

We’re thinking stuff like Roomba-powered streetcars, Sansas yoked together to make one big screen, LeakFrogs as valves on a pipe organ. The key things to keep in mind are improvisation, adaptive re-use, a certain 19th-century aesthetic sense, and lots of crazy crap sticking out all over the place.

Post your entry here by 11:59 AM CST on Monday, October 13, 2008.
Prizes are $20/$50/$100 for 3rd/2nd/1st. The rules and criteria for
winning: our panel of volunteer judges can and will make stuff up as it
goes along. Use Photoshop, linoleum blocks, pastels, MSPaint, cave
painting, tattoos, tribal scarification, whatever, but it’ll only be
judged if it’s visible in our forums as a jpg, gif, or png. As we are
fond of saying, try to keep your maximum width to 450px. If you need a
place to host your pictures, try www.imageshack.ws or www.photobucket.com.
We have no connection to either, but they seem free and easy to use.
And if you want us to be sure your entry was indeed your work, post
links to your source images. The more sure we are that you did your own
work, the more likely we are to consider it for a prize.

About 79 years ago, when the FDIC was just a gleam in Eleanor Roosevelt’s eye, and Hoover hadn’t yet been dammed, Inez “Bug” Rutledge asked her son to paste together a collage of pictures of items from the family’s Drug Emporium showing how they could be used by people struggling through the collapse of all the banks. Just this past week, her descendants finally were able to get someone else to do it for them- “Show us how past or current Woot products helped people survive the Great Depression.” -all of y’all! Well done, the final terms of the will have been met, and the inheritance can be split! woot!!

First Place - $100

jatanis - Robosoup

Once their batteries ran down the first time, the Roboraptors really weren’t much good for anything else.

Second Place - $50

mwiseman - Now that’s a Woody!

While this land may be yours, the guitar is MINE, dangnabit.

Third Place - $20

jomion - Pistachio Line

Ah, nothing like the satisfaction of layin’ back, picking pistachio shells out of your teeth after a long day of Piddling Around.

Honorable Mentions:

TrialRun -sharing saves woot

Unfortunately they had to share everything else too: Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, the new New Kids, all of it.
Click the picture to watch it “grow up”.

Carpenter940 - Aerobedicide is painless

A perfect landing…uh oh, she’s goin’ back up! again!

Wildwolf11 - jumbo remotes

To think that there was an inverse relationship between the size of the remote and the size of the screen back then.
Click the picture for a larger-screen view.

Zilla81 - Dustbowl

At least they knew what was coming. And is that Indiana Jones struggling through that dust? Did HE unleash that by stealing/removing some neolithic artifact?

Toby8915 - fortune teller

“Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.”

FedUpOldHag - Apples! Headphones!

Now there’s a man I can relate to! By golly,that could be one of Josephus’ brothers selling that cra- Lemuel, is that you?

Monkey Prize

ActorTom - Groucho Glasses

All together now: “masking, Tom. masking.”

Money winners, please email your Paypal info to jtoon@woot.com. Monkey Prize winner, please email your shipping address to jtoon@woot.com; then, using stage makeup, paint red circles around your eyes, shave your eyebrows off, stare in the mirror and chant “screaming monkey” three times while turning counterclockwise. Honorable Mentioneers may use coupon code HONMEN-FS for free shipping on a future order. When it doesn’t work, order the item and email woot, telling them it didn’t work (nicely), and they ought to credit your account for the charges.
Until next time remember: There’s a silver lining in every cloud. Unfortunately, silver’s worth less than scrap wood chips or fingernail clippings nowadays.

Forget the ten programmable hotkeys. Forget the fact that this
remote can learn new device codes simply by pointing the old remote at
it. Forget the glossy black finish, even. My favorite feature of this
Philips Icon 5 Device Universal Remote is the included set of stickers.
They feature full-color logos for many of the most popular networks, so
you can remember which channels your hotkeys are programmed for.

The labels include everything from NBC, CNN, and HBO
to the Playboy Channel and Spice – just the thing when you want to show
your guests that you watch so much porn, you need it on speed-dial. But
how come none of my ten favorite channels are included?

• DNN: The Depressing News Network
• C-SPAN 3 (Adults Only)
• TPTV: All Test Patterns, All The Time
• The Mini-Golf Channel
• F: The Foot Network
• The Channel With Some Foreign Guy Yelling Over Soccer Highlights
• XOS: The Xtreme Office Supplies Network
• GGMSW-TV: Nothing But Golden Girls and Murder She Wrote
• ESPN Chess
• PreNatalTV: The Only Channel For Fetuses, By Fetuses

Warranty: 1 Year Philips

Features:

• Universal remote control allows you to program and operate up to 5 devices from almost any brand
• Learning
  functionality captures and stores infrared signals from other remotes.
  When device codes are not included in the on-board database, they can
  always be learned from the original remote, simply by pointing to it
• Program up to 10 buttons with your favorite channels, and place a sticker of the channel icon next to the button
• Extensive library of channel icons for easy selection
• Ready
  for use with Philips equipment, use the universal remote control
  without programming it because all keys are pre-set for Philips
• Universal database of infrared codes is incorporated to enable easy installation of your TV, TV combi, VCR, DVD, DVD recorder, satellite or digital terrestrial receiver, cable decoder, amplifier, Home theater system or receiver
• Black glossy top cover finish
• Dimensions (W x H x L): 2” x .75” x 8”
• Operates on 2 AAA batteries

In the box:

• Philips SRU4105WM/17 Icon 5 Device Universal Remote
• Users Guide
• Code List
• Sticker Icons

Always look on the bright side, say the pink-spectacle crowd. Good
advice – if you want to burn out your retinas and go blind! What kind
of sucker do these happy freaks think I am? They’re not gonna put one
over on Arthur Churlman, host of You’re Not Gonna Put One Over On Me!

Today
we’re being asked to believe that the Sandisk Sansa e280 8GB Media
Player is not a worthless clod of feces that probably gives you ear
cancer. No sale, crooks! For one thing, it’s tiny. Anything this small
that costs this much better either be made of solid gold, or get me
high when I smoke it.

And I’d have to get zonked on
something before I dared share my credit card number with a sleazy
fly-by-night outfit like Woot. I guess anybody with a card table and a
modem can call themselves an “online store” nowadays. God knows where
my credit card number would wind up. Sorry, Russian mafia – find
yourself another chump.

Sandisk seems awfully pleased with
themselves over the Sansa’s 8GB memory capacity and compact portable
size. You know who else is pleased about that? Muggers. While you’re
bopping down the street without a care in the world, they’ll jump out,
grab your purse or wallet, and probably slash your face a little bit
just for fun. You’ll never hear it coming. Don’t be surprised if some
of that ill-gotten cash finds its way into the Sandisk coffers.

And let’s talk about this “large” 1.8” TFT
color screen for a second. A one-point-eight-inch screen is “large”? In
what dollhouse? Hey, Sandisk: don’t puke on my tortilla chips and tell
me it’s salsa.

If these bunco artists concentrated as much
on making media players as they do on fleecing the consumer flock, the
Sandisk Sansa e280 8GB Media Player might be worth more than the space
it takes up. As it is, the only thing getting played here is you, you
poor ignorant sap. Until the next outrageous scam Woot attempts to
foist onto an unsuspecting public, I’m Arthur Churlman – and You’re Not Gonna Put One Over On Me!

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Features:

• Sleek, thin design with large 1.8” TFT color screen for easy viewing
• Strong alloy metal casing provides excellent durability and scratch resistance
• Simple to use, backlit controls for fast device interface navigation
• User replaceable and rechargeable Lithium Ion battery for up to 20 hours of battery life
• Features microSD™ expansion slot for additional memory capacity
• Supports SanDisk TrustedFlash and Gruvi content cards
• Digital FM tuner, on-the-fly FM recording, and voice recording
• Supports Subscription Music Stores

Specifications:

• Memory capacity: 8GB
• Memory type: Flash memory
• External memory: MicroSD card slot
• Audio file format: MP3, WMA, WMA-DRM10 (PlaysForSure), WAV
• Hours of music content: 64 hours
• Still image file format: JPEG, TIFF, PNG, BMP, GIF
• Video format: AVI, MPEG-1/MPEG-2 in MPEG, MPG, MPE/VOB (unprotected), MPEG-4 in AVI format, DAT, ASF, QuickTime MOV (QuickTime 6.5 or higher required), WMV (Windows Media Player 9 or 10.0 required)
• Tuner type: Digital FM tuner
• Tuner memory: 20
• Display: 1.8-inch TFT color LCD display
• Power supply: Rechargeable lithium ion battery, user replaceable (included), USB charging
• Battery life: Up to 20 hours
• Connectors: Headdphone jack, USB 2.0 port
• Microphone: Built-in microphone
• FM recording: Supported
• Voice recording: Supported
• Microsoft PlaysFor Sure: Supported
• Dimension: 3.5×1.74×0.56 inches (WxHxD)
• Weight: 2.7 ounces

System Requirements:

• Windows XP
• Windows Media Player 10+
• Intel Pentium class PC or higher
• USB 2.0 port required for hi-speed transfer

In the Box:

• Sandisk Sansa e280 4GB Media Player
• USB cable
• Earbuds

I really thought I had it all. I mean, I was a stagehand for one of
America’s leading home-shopping channels. Who wouldn’t lose perspective
in a crazy situation like that? The fast cars, the wild parties, the
constant requests for autographs – and the women, man, the women…not to
mention the famous “sample room” of free merch sent to us by
manufacturers. I never paid a penny for a food processor or a novelty
chess set the whole time I worked there. I felt like the King of the
World.

Then came a day that seemed like any other – at
first. We were selling this thing called the Telesteps 12.5 ft.
Telescopic Extension Ladder. I was chosen to show it off for the
audience, to unfold it from its compact collapsed form to its full
height. It was time for me to shine. I changed into my black jeans so
the chicks out there could get a good look at my butt and climbed on
up. There I was, pretending to dust a fake window while a nation ooohed
and aaahed. I was on, man. I was in the zone, doing what I do, the only
way I know how to do it.

Then I fell.

It only took an instant. But my whole life flashed before my eyes. And I was horrified. Is
this all I was put here for? To demonstrate cheap crap like a trained
chimp, on a basic-cable channel that’s a national joke? To run around
with women who can’t even get into the dressing room of a third-tier
metal band on a reunion tour? After a few terrifying minutes, I realized I was OK - physically. Spiritually, I would never be the same.

I
truly believe I was saved for a reason. I believe a higher power had a
purpose for me more important than hawking the Telesteps 12.5 ft.
Telescopic Extension Ladder, and knocked me off that ladder to put me
on the right path. And a few days later, I knew I’d found that purpose.
See, I met this nice person who offered me a free personality test,
which really revealed the inner truth – hey, hey, wait a minute! Where
are you going? Come back! Come back!

Warranty: 1 Year Telesteps

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Features:

• 12.5 foot telescopic extension ladder weighs only 23 pounds and just 30 inches when compact
• Fits in a trunk, no need for a roof rack to transport
• Provides the equivalent standing height of a 16 foot extension ladder in a lightweight and easy to store package
• Meets
  applicable American National Standards Institute (ANSI) and
  Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) requirements
• Holds up to 250 pounds
• ANSI Type 1
• Height: 30 inches to 12.5 feet
• Width: 19 inches
• Depth: 3 inches
• Weight: 23 pounds

In the box:

• Telesteps 12.5 ft. Telescopic Extension Ladder

Kind of a slow news week in Wootdom - I guess people would rather talk about trifles like the financial bailout, baseball playoffs, and Veep debate than our important work in the field of remaindered electronics and cut-rate humor. But we still garnered some e-ink over the last seven days…

• The class blog for an Indiana University course on Human-Computer Interaction discusses Woot and the “mechanisms of the site’s sociability”. Maybe I’m missing it, but I don’t see anything about our poop jokes in there.
• If you’ve got an appetite for high-level programming talk, the all-star programmers of Stack Overflow mention us in the latest episode of their podcast. We don’t understand all the developer talk, but we do know the sound of our own name.
• A sports business blogger asks Would Woot Work in the Sports World? The first team to try it should send us a couple of season tickets (or a bobblehead, at least).
• Two different blogs - It’s All Happening and All The King’s Horses - liked today’s Hollywood-oriented heart monitor writeup enough to quote it in full.
• A love story: unsuspecting blogger visits Shirt.Woot and discovers a designer he or she loves
• I’ll be a Cardinals fan until I die, but it still warms my heart when Woot helps out a Cubs fan.
• Be careful, collegiate Shirt.Wooters - your eye-catching wardrobe might attract notice in class.
• Will I ever get tired of reading Twitter users call our sales copy “really fresh” and “irreverent, but oh sooo cool”? Approximately never.

Thanks to everybody who gave us a holla. Let us know if you see us rearing our ugly mugs out there someplace.

In our Woot web-browser stats snapshot last month, we looked at how many Woot users had tried out Google’s new Chrome browser in the first few days after its release - a surprising 3.7% on September 3. A couple of weeks later, Computer World ran the same numbers for their visitors, and found that there’d been some backsliding, as the early-adopter fetishists and the trendhoppers drifted back to their previously preferred browsers. So that got us thinking…

Below are our numbers for the same four-week period that Computer World looked at. The most striking difference between their audience and ours is no big surprise: more than twice as many of our forward-thinking, edge-riding, irresistibly good-looking users favor Firefox. IE dominates the Computer World, um, world - in ours, it’s roughly even with Firefox. That willingness to try something new carries over to our audience’s much higher adoption rates for Chrome, like so:

But like CW, we did show a slight decline for Chrome between Sept. 7 and Sept. 15. And here’s the weird thing: although it’s impossible to say definitively with any accuracy, it appears that Chrome took more IE users than Firefox users. I say that because, in both sites’ stats, IE’s share fell much more steeply than Firefox. This holds true when we compare our browser numbers for the whole month of September to the August numbers we posted last month:

Now, it’s true that IE’s share was pretty much in decline everywhere anyway, even before Chrome. It could be the case that IE lost its usual steady trickle of users to Firefox, while Firefox lost a bigger trickle to Chrome. But obviously, there are at least some people who jumped straight from IE to Chrome.

Here’s my totally off-the-cuff, made-up speculation about who these IE-to-Chrome folks are. They don’t fit the stereotype of the typical IE user, the people who just stick with the default option, who might not even know there are other web browser options, or even what a web browser is. These users have demonstrated that they’re willing to try something new, and they’re aware of their choices. So they probably tried, or at least looked into, Firefox. But they decided to stick with IE…until Chrome came along. I’d hazard a guess that they’re not quite satisfied with any of the available browser options. And my prediction for these people is that, yes, a substantial number of them will drift back to IE once they realize Chrome isn’t hitting their browser sweet spot either.

Well, you know what they say opinions are like. But if Chrome continues slipping as the novelty wears off, it’ll be interesting to see if IE can actually post a gain next month at Chrome’s expense. Even a slower decline than Firefox would be an accomplishment for the little blue e. See, anybody can be an amateur web analyst! Post your browserly musings in the forum below.

Maybe it’s Death Race. Maybe it’s Eagle Eye. Maybe Wanted.
This year everyone has one pretty lousy action movie that they still
very much wanted to see. That’s the dirty little secret of the movie
industry. Namely, that the system used by movie reviewers is completely
unscientific.

You can throw out “four stars” and “six
thumbs” all you want, but what does that mean? There’s really only one
measure of thrills and romance, and that’s heart rate. So we’re
proposing an new system based on the Prevention DS-2200PV Ultima
Upper-Arm Blood Pressure Monitor.

With the ability to
measure Systolic, Diastolic and pulse rate, the Prevention DS-2200PV
Ultima Upper-Arm Blood Pressure Monitor can finally tell us which is
more exciting, the first time Jason leaps out of the bushes in Friday
The 13th or when Freddie grows to a hundred feet tall and eats Johnny
Depp in Nightmare On Elm Street. The built in memory stores up to sixty
readings, so you can poll your friends to find out who is the better
leading lady, Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct or Lauren Bacall in To
Have And Have Not. And once you get those readings, you can move them
via the USB connection to your Windows PC. The Hypertension Data Management System
lets you break down the measurements by hour, day, month or year,
making sure we can finally have a guide to movies based on real
numbers, and not some jerkface who thinks Blade Runner was lousy. I
mean, honestly, Leonard Maltin.

With the Prevention
DS-2200PV Ultima Upper-Arm Blood Pressure Monitor, you can find that
guy who hates the Batman movies and shut him up once and for all. You
can even use the irregular heartbeat indicator to see if you’ve got an
irregular heartbeat. Good to know before you get in the popcorn line.
And having visual cues will really help you understand what changes
your blood pressure.

Don’t waste your time trying to explain
the complex nature of chaos and order and how they entwine in a
unending dance. Pull out some hard figures like a geek should! The
Prevention DS-2200PV Ultima Upper-Arm Blood Pressure Monitor is your
ticket to winning every movie debate conclusively. What’s better than
being right?

Warranty: Limited Lifetime Mark of Fitness

Features:

• Measures Systolic, Diastolic blood pressure, and your pulse rate
• Employs the oscillometric method for measurement of blood pressure and pulse rate
• Irregular heartbeat indicator flashes to show if you have an irregular heartbeat
• Set personal goals by programing a target blood pressure, the reading flashes when it is over your target
• Built in memory to stores up to 60 readings each for two people and can transfer your data to a PC
• Hypertension Data Management System
  runs on a Windows PC that can analyze your measurements by hour, day,
  week, month, or year and gives you a visual representation of your
  readings over a period of time
• Operates on AC power (included) or 4 AA batteries (not included)
• Automatic inflation with automatic exhaust valve

Specifications:

• Operating Principle: Oscillometric Method
• Indicator: 17 Digital Liquid Crystal Display
• Pressure Indicating Range: 0 to 300 mmHg (Cuff Pressure)
• Systolic Measuring Range: 50 to 250 mmHg
• Diastolic Measuring Range: 40 to 140 mmHg
• Pulse Rate Measuring Range: 40 to 160 bpm
• Cuff Pressure Accuracy: ±3 mmHg
• Pulse Rate Accuracy: ±5% of Reading
• Inflation: Automatic Inflation
• Exhaust: Automatic Exhaust Valve
• Power Supply: 6.0 VDC AC Adapter, Model ZL-26, or 4 AA Batteries
• Memory: 2 Banks, each stores 60 readings
• Operating Environment: +50°F to +104°F, 15 to 90% relative humidity
• Storage Environment: -4°F to +122°F, 15 to 95% relative humidity
• Cuff Coverage Arm Circumference: 9.1 to 16.9 in. (23 to 43 cm)
• Weight: Approx 17.1 oz. (485g) with out batteries
• Dimensions W x D x H: 5.9×4.1×4.7 inch (150×105 120 mm)

System Requirements (for software only):

• Operating System: Windows 98SE, ME, 2000, XP, 32bit Vista (Factory install only)
• Hard Disk: 20MB
• RAM: 16mb, 32mb recommended
• Processor: 80468CPU with 50MHz, 75MHz recommended
• 1 USB Port

In the box:

• Prevention DS-2200PV Ultima Upper-Arm Blood Pressure Monitor
• AC Adapter
• USB Cable
• Storage Box
• Cuff
• Instruction Guide
• Wellness Tracking Chart

Click to Download HDMS Software

At some point in the recent past, we asked you to show us how a famous person or fictional character would spend his or her final moments before the end of the world. Now be honest, if there was a Woot-off going on, how many of you could pull yourselves away from the F5 key?

First Place - $100

easy1 - Geronimo!

Legend has it that he actually yelled “Cowabunga!!!” when he jumped.

Second Place - $50

fyrefall - Superman’s Exit

Who’s going to raise him when he gets to his new planet?

Third Place - $20

zilla81 - Shocker, Teddy, Danger!

Ain’t such a big shot tough guy any more, is he?

Honorable Mentions:

FedUpOldHag - Mary-Kate Olsen’s Binge

Her face is already greasy, I can see the pimples forming now.

Zeusandhera - Gandhi’s Giant Steak

Hate the sin, love the sinner.

plinth - Letter From Santa

Hmmm, all this time, the way to God was through Santa!?

ActorTom - Smokey Bear

Oh Smokey, how could you? After all you taught me.

beatfarmer - Elmo the Chamois

“E” is for Excellent Eraser!

toby8915 - Actor Tom’s Oscar

“…and finally, I’d like to thank toby8915, who made this all possible. I said I wasn’t going to cry!”

zobear - Clinton Inhales

Who among us was surprised at this chop? Anyone?

Xexus - Fundamentalist TV Preacher Satanist

Prooooobably not the best time to make this decision, methinks.

BML0579 - Josephus Judging

He looks so calm with total annihilation going on out his window.

Monkey Prize

ActorTom - End of the World Stranger

Are we supposed to know who this person is of such keen fashion sense?

Money winners, please email your Paypal info to jtoon@woot.com. Monkey Prize winner, please email your shipping address to jtoon@woot.com, stare in the mirror and chant “screaming monkey” three times while turning around and around. Honorable Mentioneers may use coupon code HONMEN-FS for free shipping on a future order. Until next time remember: if you know the end of the world is near, make your final moments count. This will probably entail you surrounding yourself with leakfrogs, your animatronic Elvis, and just for good measure, you should probably throw your leftover bacon salt over your left shoulder. What, you’re out of bacon salt? Uh oh…

Sales Associate: Welcome to Buy Barn, can I help you find anything?

Customer: Hi, I’m looking for the (PLAY-ner) PD 7130
720p Home Theater Projector. That’s the compact HD projector with the
native 720p resolution, 4500:1 contrast ratio, and 900 lumens of
brightness.

Sales Associate: I’m sorry, I don’t think we carry that brand.

Customer: Really? Because they’re pretty well-known. The PD 7130
has that Texas Instruments DarkChip technology. I’m trying to find it
so I can use the S-video and composite connections to hook up my old
Super Nintendo to it. (PLAY-ner)? Not ringing any bells?

Sales Associate: No, I can tell you categorically that we do not carry any projector by any company called (PLAY-ner).

Customer: Hmm. Yeah. Listen, I don’t want to make a big thing out of this, but a friend of mine just bought the (PLAY-ner) PD 7130 here, so if you could just check again for (PLAY-ner), I’d appreciate -

Sales Associate: Sir, I’m sorry, but I have other customers that need help, so unless there’s anything else…?

Customer: I just want you to check again. That’s all.

Sales Associate: OK, sure. (looks hastily around the store) Uh, nope, no (PLAY-ner).

Customer: Yeah, thanks. Can I speak to a manager?

Sales Associate: Fine. Steve! Steve! Got a minute to speak to this customer?

Manager: Sure, how can I help?

Customer: I was looking for a projector, the (PLAY-ner) PD 7130 -

Manager: We don’t carry it.

Customer: OK, if you say so – hey, wait a minute! There it is right there! The Planar PD 7130 Home Theater Projector!

Manager: Oh, you mean the (pluh-NAR)!

Sales Associate: (pluh-NAR)? That’s pronounced (PLAH-ner).

Manager: No, I mean (pluh-NAR). P – L – A – N – A – R spells (pluh-NAR).

Sales Associate: You’re nuts. It’s obviously (PLAH-ner).

Manager: (pluh-NAR)!

Sales Associate: (PLAH-ner)!

Manager: (pluh-NAR)!

Sales Associate: (PLAH-ner)!

Customer: Actually, you know, I think I’ll spend my money somewhere else.

Warranty: 2 Year Planar

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Features:

• Microdisplay: Texas Instruments DLP DarkChip3 0.65 720p 12o LVDS DMD
• Native resolution of 1280×720 (921,600 pixels)
• Aspect Ratios: Native (Pixel-to-Pixel), 16:9, Letterbox, 4:3, Anamorphic compatible
• Projection Lens: All glass 1:25x manual zoom, made in Japan
• Throw Ratio: 1.3 - 1.7 (distance/width)
• Video Lumens: 900 ANSI max
• Contrast Ratio: 4500:1 (max full on/full off )
• Cooling Performance: High efficiency cooling with low noise level (29dBA) and low light pollution cabinet
• Projection Modes: Front, Rear, Ceiling allows you to mount the projector anywhere you want
• Lamp: User replaceable 200/250W HPM (selectable), 3000 hour (eco) lifetime
• Video Processing: Pixelworks™ DNX (Digital Natural Expression) 10 bit video with Motion-Adaptive De-
  Interlacing, rich color processing and noise reduction
• Calibration: Full RGB gain/offset control (White Balance), Gamma, Contrast, Color Temp (Presets 5K~10K and X,Y control for R,G,B,Y), Brightness
• DVI-D with HDCP (High Bandwidth Digital Content Protection) video connection, HDMI is possible with HDMI to DVI adapter
• Supports HDTV, EDTV, and SDTV
• IR remote with on board keypad
• M4 interface projector mounting holes allow you to keep the projector in a stationary position
• Dimensions (H x W x D): 7” x 16” x 17.5”

Specifications:

In the box:

• Planar 720p Projector
• Remote
• 2 AAA Batteries
• Users Guide
• Power Cable
• Component Cable
• Users Manual

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer
our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The
news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have
to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

WASHINGTON (UPI)—The U.S. Forest Service budget shows more than $400 million has been shifted to fighting wildfires in the past two years.

Forestry
officials have asked for an additional $400 million but are demanding
that the package have no restrictions on use and that fires be allowed
all promised bonuses and severance packages.

MIAMI (UPI)—A plant long believed by Vodou
practitioners in Haiti to have mystic qualities could be a boon for
Latin America’s biofuel industry.

This research could also lead to great steps forward in the controversial Zombie Rickshaw program.