He’s a Velocity Micro Ultimate Mouse #2731. He’s a Creative Labs Gamer Mouse HD7600L. But what happens when they discover… that they’re identical twins?

klik
Wait, wait, this isn’t working. We need something to drive home the
point that the Velocity Micro Ultimate Mouse #2731 is really just the HD7600L,
only specially branded for Velocity. This makes it sound like they’re
just… I don’t know, pals or something. Let’s try a different approach
with take two. Take two!

On the outside, Velocity Micro
Ultimate Mouse #2731 is just another fella. He loves his wife. Takes
care of his kids. But inside, Velocity Micro Ultimate Mouse #2731 has a
dark secret. A past that no one knows. A past with the name… Creative
Labs Gamer Mouse HD7600L.

klik
Okay, that’s better, but we’re trying to convey the 2400 dpi and the
on-the-fly dpi switching. There’s the 10,000 frames per second as well,
and the 15g acceleration. Can we try something more… classic?

They
met in the war. He was a hero, a pilot, a victim of the killer skies.
She was a nurse, an angel, a woman. He told her his name was Velocity
Micro Ultimate Mouse #2731 and she never asked for more. But on the day
they came for him, she found her patient had been Creative Labs Gamer
Mouse HD7600L. And now she must choose between what she knew and what she felt, and decide between her duty… and her heart.

klik Can you sound a little more like Orson Welles?

Warranty: 1 Year Creative

Features:

• 2400 dpi HD-Lazer engine with high-speed motion detection up to 40 ips and 15G’s of acceleration
• Instant response with USB data connection and Class 1 laser sensor
• On the fly DPI switching, switch the mouse sensitivity between 400, and 2400 dpi while in game
• Interchangeable covers allow you to customize your mouse
• EasyGlide Teflon Feet ensure ultra-smooth mouse action for ultra-fast moves.
• High Speed Data Transfer - Enjoy high-speed operations with fast USB connectivity
• To ensure safety at all times, the Class 1 laser sensor automatically reduces power when the mouse is lifted off the desktop
• Frame Rate: 10,000 frames/sec
• Acceleration: 15 g
• Resolution: 2400 dpi
• Tracking Speed: 40 inches/sec

In the box:

• Velocity Micro Optical USB Mouse
• Software CD
• Users Guide

With a refurbished Canon ZR800 Mini
Camcorder in your hand, you could have taped the Opening Ceremonies of
the 2008 Olympics. Was that digital paper those people were standing
on? Was that little girl really tied to a kite? Was Mr. Astronaut a
hint of where China plans to go next and therefore a direct threat to
the U.S. that could result in an entirely new type of arms race? You’d
be able to answer those questions by using the DV Firewire port to connect to your computer and edit the footage.

There’s
no DV tape included and it only has a 35x optical/1000x digital smooth
zoom, but that’s entry-level, which means that’s not so bad overall.
You don’t have to be in love with it to enjoy using it. Or at least,
that’s the opinion of John Edwards, who admitted to having an affair
and made a special point to mention it was never about love. Was he
talking about the woman in question or the mainstream media who tried
to keep his secret? Or both? Holding this Canon ZR800 Mini
Camcorder you could have taped the look on their face when he said
“Honey, they meant nothing to me” 2.0. gg, John, next map.

As
though this wasn’t enough, there’s also a brand new war in Georgia. No,
it’s not about black people voting or science in schools, we mean the
Georgia that used to be allied with Russia, which is the country that
is invading them. If you were there on the streets in the middle of the
attack, you might find that the Canon ZR800 Mini
Camcorder, which is small and has an Electronic Image Stabilizer, would
be a great way to record shocking footage of tanks arriving. However,
since a few thousand people have died already, it’s probably for the
best that you’re not. Good thing we’ve got all those uncommitted troops
ready to fight for freedom, right?

And that’s not all! The
whole world is changing! The second housing crisis is forming, the
dollar is still low, Iran is acting like a drunk at a high school party
and we still don’t know if our next president is going to be any good,
or even legally able to run. The only thing you can be sure of is that
people will always want to watch this crap on YouTube. This Canon ZR800 Mini Camcorder could be your only source of income one day. And best of all, that LCD Display is reversible in case you need to shoot yourself. Who knows, right?

Warranty: 60 Day Cannon Limited Warranty

Features:

• 35x optical zoom, 1000x digital zoom
• Electronic Image Stabilizer
• Capable of recording in widescreen (16:9) or standard (4:3) formats
• IEEE 1394 (4-pin Firewire) input and output, edit video on your PC or Mac
• Compatible with MiniDV media tapes
• Reversible LCD display

Specifications:

• Video Recording System: 2 rotary heads, helical scanning DV system (consumer digital VCR SD system), digital component recording
• Audio Recording System: PCM digital sound: 16 bit (48 kHz/2 channels); 12 bit (32kHz)
• Television System: EIA standard (525 lines, 60 fields) NTSC color signal
• Image Sensor: 1/6-inch CCD
• Compatible with mini DV tapes
• Tape Speed: SP- 18.81 mm/s (0.74 ips); LP- 12.56mm/s (0.49 ips)
• Maximum Recording Time (60min tape): SP- 60 minutes; LP- 90 minutes
• LCD Screen: 2.7 inch wide color TFT
• Viewfinder: 0.35 inch wide color TFT
• Microphone: Stereo electret condenser microphone
• Lens: f/2.6-91mm, F/2.0-5.0, 35x power zoom
• Lens Configuration: 10 elements in 8 groups
• AF System: TTL autofocus, manual focus available
• Minimum Focusing Distance: 1 m (3.3ft.); 1 cm (0.39 in.) on maximum wide angle
• White Balance: Auto white balance, preset white balance (Daylight, Tungsten) or custom white balance
• Minimum
  Illumination: 2 lx (Night recording system , shutter speed at 1/8); 8lx
  (Easy recording mode, auto slow shutter On, shutter speed at 1/30)
• Recommended Illumination: More than 100 lx
• Image Stabilization: Electronic
• Digital Effects: Art, black and white, sepia, mosaic, ball, cube, wave, color mask, mirror
• Faders: Fade trigger, wipe, corner wipe, jump, flip, puzzle, zigzag, beam, tide, card mix
• Dimensions (WxHxD): 2.2×3.6×4.7” (57×92×119mm)
• Weight: 13.2 oz. (375g) (Body Only)

In the box:

• Canon ZR800 Mini Digital Camcorder
• Power Adapter
• Battery Pack
• Lithium CR1616 Button Battery
• Stereo Video Cable

Ah wur ‘avin it large in a meadow somewhere ‘round Cockermooth, ah
wur. The ‘appy ‘ardcore wur poondin’ out them massuf speakers, makin’
me wanna dance aboot, like. And noobuddy ‘ad any E, knowuh mean?
Noobuddy! Thir was noon of it aboot. It wur rubbish.

So I
call me mate Vincent and ‘e tells me ‘e can drive out with an eMachine.
I go, an eMachine? Coome righ’ out! I’m gettin’ visions o’ coinin’ it
with the only E concession in the whoole coonty, takin’ in poond over
poond from the poonters an’ makin’ the whole reeve smile to boot.

So
‘e pulls up and gets oot the eMachine and I’m like where’s the E come
out? And ‘e goes, wha’? And I goes, the E, man, is i’ like tablets or
wha’? And ‘e’s like, ah, THA’ kind of E. Nah, soorry, can’t help ya, mate. This ‘ere eMachine W3611A’s
just a regular computer, like. Wi’ yur 160GB hard drive an’ yur 512mb
memory an’ yur Pentium 4 processor. So I goes, like, et’s rubbish,
tha’! I’ doesna make E, OK, faine – but i’s like eencient as well! An’
we couldna even ploog i’ in in the middle o’ tha’ field. Tha’ wur the
worst reeve ever.

Warranty: 90 Day eMachines

Features:

• Intel® Pentium® 4 Processor 631 Hyper-Threading and Intel® EM64T Technology, 3.00GHz, 2MB L2 cache, 800MHz FSB
• Intel® 945G Chipset
• 512MB DDR2 dual-channel capable (1 × 512MB), 533MHz (PC4200) RAM
• 160GB SATA II (7200rpm, 8MB cache)
• DVD±RW 16x Multiformat Dual-Layer Optical Drive
• High-Performance 15-in-1 Digital Media Manager
• Intel® Graphics Media Accelerator 950
• PCI-Express® (PCI-E x16) slot available for upgrade
• 6-channel (5.1) high-definition audio
• 56K ITU v.92-ready Fax/Modem (RJ-11 port)
• Intel® 10/100Mbps Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 port)
• 6 – USB 2.0 Ports (2 Front, 4 Rear)
• 14.50”H x 7.25”W x 16.50”D
• 21.2 lbs
• Genuine Windows Vista® Home Basic

In the box:

• eMachines W3611A Desktop PC
• Keyboard
• Mouse
• Power Cable

An easy one-touch operation at the speed of light! A blur of white and silver! A cloud of dust and a hearty-

klikHey, hey, stop that! Stop that right now! You can’t do that!

Do what? I’m describing the TrueBlue TB-33-ML Bluetooth Headset!

klikYou know darn well what! People get sued over things like that! Be more careful!

Fine, fine. Ready?

klikReady. As long as you do it right.

Range. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the TrueBlue TB-33-ML Bluetooth Headset. It’s 10 meter mission: to

klikHey! HEY! Didn’t I just say not to do that?

You said not to use the Lone R-

klikDon’t
say it, don’t say it! Don’t you know what “deniable” means? Dear Lord!
Okay, one last time! I mean it! No funny stuff! Ready!

You’re
in another dimension. A dimension of Bluetooth and handsfree. A trip
into a wonderous land with 10 hours talk time and 200 hours standby.
There’s a signpost up ahead. Next stop: the Tw-

klikWe’re done for the day. Pick up your check at the desk.

Yeah! Early weekend! Woo Hoo!

Warranty: 1 Year TrueBlue

Features:

• Easy one-touch operation for Call, Answer, End
• Voice activated dialing
• Last number redial
• LED indicator for pairing
• Volume adjustment
• Switch on/off
• Wearable on either ear with optional adjustable ear loop

Specifications:

• Version 2.0, Class II, CSR Chipset
• Headset and hands-free supported profiles
• 2.4GHz – 79 Channels, Range of Frequency
• Rechargeable polymer Li-ion battery
• Up to 10 hours talk time
• Stand-by up to 200 hours
• Weight about 9g excl. accessories
• Size: 42 (L) x 20(W) x 11.5(H) mm
• Operation range: up to 10 meters

In the box:

• TrueBlue Bluetooth Headset
• AC Adapter
• Wrist Strap
• Users Guide

Travis: …ninety-seven…ninety-eight…yeah, it’s all here.

Blaine: All right! I can’t believe I’m about to get illegal cable! And such a cheap hookup – how do you do it?

Travis: Here you go. Pleasure doing business with you.

Blaine: What? What’s this?

Travis: Your cable. Specifically, a Monster 12 Foot USB Cable with LED Powerflow Indicator.

Blaine: Wait a minute, this is the “cable” you promised me? No, no, no. There’s been a misunderstanding.

Travis: No misunderstanding. This is a decent-quality USB
cable covered by a lifetime warranty, with data transfer speeds up to
480Mbps, and a little light to let you know the connection’s working.
Is there a problem?

Blaine: Well, yeah, I’d say there’s a problem. That’s not what I asked for.

Travis: Hey, you asked me if I could hook you up with a cable. That’s what I did.

Blaine: Not a cable! Just cable! Cable TV!

Travis: Really?

Blaine: Yes! Yes! I don’t care about some stupid cable with a stupid little light on it! I meant cable TV!

Travis:
So let me get this straight: you’re saying you want me to connect cable
TV to your house without the knowledge of the cable company, and
without paying the cable company?

Blaine: Yes! Dammit, yes! I want free cable TV. I don’t know how to say it any clearer: please hook up my cable TV illegally for free.

Travis: Well, I have to do something else first.

Blaine: Like what?

Travis: Like place you under arrest for attempting to steal cable TV. You have the right to remain silent…

Warranty: Lifetime Manufacturer

Features:

• Advanced SingleHelix windings delivers 500MHz bandwidth and up to 480Mbps for ultra-fast data transfer
• High-Density triple layer shielding rejects RF and EM interference for the most reliable data transfer possible
• Extra-heavy-gauge power conductor ensures maximum power transfer
• Precision 24k Gold contact connectors maximize corrosion resistance and signal transfer
• Blinking LED Powerflow Indicator lets you know you have proper USB connections
• Improved USB 2.0 Compatibility
• Advanced Monster Technologies deliver ultra-fast data transfer and all the increased bandwidth today’s USB device’s demand.
• Length - 12 feet
• Left Connector(s) - 4 pin USB Type A - male
• Right Connector(s) - 4 pin USB Type B - male

OK, OK, hang on a second. We know that there are some among you who
turn their noses up at the ‘furbs. “Refurb!?” they say. “No, thank
you!” And while we appreciate that their parents at least taught them
to say no thank you instead of “poop, no” or something, we still think
they might be missing out sometimes because of that knee-jerk reaction
of theirs.

Take today’s 750-gig hard drive, for example. Who
can’t use another 750 gigs? And before you say “refurbz suXX0r,” take a
look: It’s “recertified.” That’s “refurbished by the manufacturer” to
you. It’s uberrefurbed. These drives’ve met Seagate’s own standards of
quality control—not those of some second-rate, no-name, fly-by-night
“company” run out of some schmuck’s basement. So what else would you
want?

Us, we’re convinced. But say you aren’t. Say you’re
the kind of soulless skeptic who can’t be convinced there’s anything
good in the cold, cruel universe. So use this drive to back up your
music or something. Then you only need it to fire up twice: Once when
you load the files onto it, and once when you take it out of its
fireproof safe inside your extra-large safe-deposit box at the bank to
recover the files.

Boy, you really do have serious trust issues, don’t you?

Warranty: 180 Day Seagate Limited Warranty

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Features:

• 750 GB capacity
• 7200 RPM spindle speed
• 16 MB buffer
• 8.5 ms average seek time
• 4.16 ms average latency
• SATA/300 interface
• 3.5-inch form factor
• Perpendicular Recording
• Adaptive Fly Height
• Clean Sweep
• Directed Offline Scan
• Seagate SoftSonic
• Enhanced G-Force
  

Power Specifications:

• +5V, 0.72A
• +12V, 0.52A

Requirements:

• Serial ATA controller
• Serial ATA data cable
• Serial ATA power cable
• Available 3.5-inch drive bay

In the box:

• Seagate ST3750640AS 750GB SATA/300 7200RPM Hard Drive

So you’re one of them “open source” nutjobs, hunh? One of those
shareware Carebears, are you? What, you got something against people
making money? Because that’s the American way, get it? So what you’re
saying is basically that you hate America.

Listen, ain’t
nothing “free,” not really. Your so-called “free” software, somebody
developed that, and it took expertise and hard work. An now you, with
your long hair and your nine-inches nail music, and your communistical
ideas, you think you can just take that and use it and you don’t owe
anybody anything, is that it? Boy, it’s time somebody fixed your wagon,
I tell you.

Oh, and now you want one of these routers, do you? One of these open-source Wireless-G routers that we paid good money for, and I suppose you think we should just give one to you because… Because why? Because you don’t believe in private property or anything else, hunh?

Listen
here, bucko: If you want this open-source router for whatever you’re
gonna do with it—customize for your little dungeons and demons games or
increase your signal strength for pirating your satanic music—well,
you’‘re gonna have to buy it like everybody else! You’ll find out soon
enough, there are rules in this world, and you can’t go breaking them
every time you get a passing fancy, understand?

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Open source code enables router customization for Linux developers and hobbyists
• Create firmware for specialized applications such as gaming, VoIP, security or increased signal strength
• Up to 2x the WAN-to-LAN throughput of other Wireless-G routers
• Compatible with 802.11b/g networks
• Automatically detects your ISP type, Port Range Forwarding/Triggering, Exposed Host (DMZ), MAC Address Authentication, DNS Proxy, URL Content Filtering, Logs and E-mail alters for Internet activity, Dynamic DNS,
  Save/Restore Configuration, Upgrades via Web Browser, UPnP, Application
  Based QoS, Hardware engine provides wired-speed routing performance,
  Remote Management
• Dimensions: 28×175 x 118 mm (1.1×6.9×4.7 in)
• Weight: 0.3 kg (0.7 lbs)
• Encryption: 40-bit (also called 64-bit), 128-bit WEP Encryption, WPA-PSK, WPA2-PSK

Wireless Speeds:

• Network Speeds: 1, 2, 5.5, 6, 9, 11, 12, 18, 24, 36, 48, & 54 Mbps (auto rate capable)
• Modulation Type: OFDM with BPSK, QPSK, 16QAM, 64QAM, DBPSK, DQPSK, CCK

In the box:

• Open Source Wireless-G Router
• Power Adapter

During the apathetic, selfish 1980’s, one film stood up and examined
race relations without flinching or compromising. One film made an
unvarnished, unapologetic statement about the challenges and promise of
America’s unfulfilled vision of racial harmony. One film dared cry I am!

We speak, of course, of the 1986 C. Thomas Howell comedy Soul Man.
It asked the tough question that needed to be asked, no matter how
uncomfortable it made White America: are black people more than just
white people who’ve taken a lot of tanning pills? Its coruscating,
bracing truth simply could not be denied. And a nation was shaken – and
shamed.

It is within that tradition that the Kingston DTYLB/4GB USB 2.0
Data Traveler steps forward. No matter which of its customizable,
changeable skins it wears on the outside, it remains a 4GB thumb drive
with a protected USB connector on the
inside. C. Thomas Howell’s career was effectively ended by the
controversy surrounding his bold cinematic jeremiad (at least, we
assume that’s why we haven’t seen him in anything in the last twenty
years). Will the same thing happen to the Kingston DTYLB/4GB USB 2.0 Data Traveler? Is America finally ready for the truth?

Warranty: 5 Year Kingston

Features:

• 4GB flash drive
• Customizable, changeable Skins
• Dimensions: 2.35” x 0.88” x 0.37” (59.7mm x 22.3mm x 9.5mm)
• Compliant, designed to Hi-Speed USB 2.0 specifications
• Convenient, pocket-sized for easy transportability
• Simple, just plug into a USB port
• Practical, no cap to lose; USB connector protected within case

Nothing is worse than being trapped with someone else’s
entertainment. Sure, it’s a big world, and there’s room for all of us,
but it’s easy to assume a strict Baptist doesn’t want to spend six
hours watching SubGenius television. And what if you’re a Nelson Riddle
fan? Maybe Jay-Z: Unplugged isn’t going to be your cup of tea. Normally
you could just get up and leave, but when you’re in the doctor’s
office, or on a train trip, or in the backseat with your younger
brother that’s been annoying you since 1957? He would pretend to be a
Prodigy fan just to see you squirm, wouldn’t he?

The Philips DVD Player
with iPod Dock helps anyone from the older generation to co-exist
peacefully with the media of the modern day. And by older, we mean
anyone with a 5th Generation iPod, because that’s the only one the
Philips DVD Player with iPod Dock is going
to work with. But if you’ve got one, great! You’ll be able to watch
your videos on an 8.5 inch video swivel display and, with the AC
adapter, charge your iPod at the same time.

What if you don’t
feel like bringing your iPod? What if your nephew, who always had the
best taste, wants to play the new Michael Buble? That’s easy, with the
SD/MMC Card Slot. The Philips DVD Player with iPod Dock plays MP3
and DivX, and can also read DVDs, writeable and rewriteable, as well as
Photo, Video and Audio CDs. Naturally there’s a remote, and it fits
comfortably in the iSlot when not in use, so it’s hard to lose. You’d
forget your own head if it wasn’t attached, we know.

Don’t feel you have to suffer just because you feel like Kool Moe Dee in a 50 Cent world. Grab an Philips DVD Player with iPod Dock and take a trip back to the way it used to be, when 5G was the greatest G of all.

Works with 5th Generation iPod Only

Warranty: 90 Day Woot

Features:

• 8.5 inch video swivel display
• Dock
  for iPod – Play your stored music, videos, and photos that is stored on
  your iPod. Plug in the AC adapter, and you can also charge your iPod
  while it is in use.
• SD/MMC Card Slot – Play music, video clips, and more from a SD card.
• Reads DVDs – Can also read DVD writable, and rewritable discs.
• Reads Photo, Video, and Audio CDs – Also reads CD writable, and rewritable discs.
• Plays DivX files
• Plays MP3 CDs
• Plays movies in 16:9 widescreen format
• Portable convenience, rechargeable battery with cigarette lighter adapter (Wall plug also included)

In the box:

• Philips DCP850/37 DVD Player with iPod Dock
• Car Power Adapter
• Audio/Video Cable
• Remote Control
• AC Power Adapter
• User Manual
• Quick Start Guide

Wow, some of you people are still so sensitive. What we’ve got today is the Black & Decker 100 Watt USB and AC Power
Inverter, which means it turns 12 volt car battery power into 120 volt
household AC power. This means you can go on a trip and run your
laptop, or turntable, or cd player. Not the cd player already in your
car, of course. For that you’d need an inverter inverter and we don’t
have any of those today.

The Black & Decker 100 Watt USB and AC Power Inverter also handles USB.
This means that, while you drive, you can power things like light-up
Christmas trees and tiny, barely helpful rubber fans. Or maybe iPods
or, dare we say it, Sansas.

Unlike those giant pencil sharpener lookin’ power inverters that other companies sell, the Black & Decker 100 Watt USB and AC Power
Inverter is small enough to fit in your hand, or perhaps your glove
compartment if you need your hand to steer. That means there’s no big
production getting it out of the trunk, it’s right there with you like
Richard Marx. See? Who makes Richard Marx jokes these days? That’s why
you come here. For the quality. And the Black & Decker 100 Watt USB and AC Power Inverters.

Warranty: 90 Day Black and Decker

Features:

• Converts vehicle’s 12 volt DC power into household 120 volt AC power
• AC & USB outlets power personal electronics & more
• 5 position plug for convenient placement
• Low battery shutdown prevents total battery drain
• LED indicator shows power & fault conditions
• Ideal for use with laptops, DVD players, portable gaming systems, cell phones, digital camera/camcorders, PDA’s, MP3’s and more

In the box:

• Black & Decker PI100SB 100 Watt USB and AC Power Inverter

Choosing a home computer is like finding a lover. Sure, you’ve got
your list of criteria: He’s got to be over 5’10”, physically fit, no
pet allergies, secure employment, must enjoy live music, and Mom and
Dad would really appreciate it if he were Catholic. It’s like that with
computers too, right? You’re looking for one with a decent 17” glossy
display, Energy Star qualified, a Lightscribe DVD burner, maybe an Intel Fast Ethernet Integrated Controller (10/100 NIC)
with 56K V.92 modem and 802.11 a/b/g wireless network support in case
things get serious and you want to think about looking for apartments
on Craigslist.

But then here comes a guy, and he’s most of
the things you wanted— but he’s not Catholic, he’s Branch Davidian. Or
here’s a computer with everything on your list except that it’s loaded
with Vista on a 2.0 GHz Celeron.

What, you going to rule
this guy out—or pass on this computer—for that one thing? You can’t
plan a romance the way you would plan a bank heist, OK? Sometimes love
comes at you in ways you couldn’t have foreseen. Maybe this is the
thing that’s going to make your relationship more unpredictable and
exciting. You never know.

Warranty: 1 Year HP Compaq

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Features:

• 2.0GHz Intel Celeron 550 Processor with 1MB L2 cache and 533MHz front side bus
• 2GB 667 MHz DDR2 PC2-5300 SDRAM
• 160GB 5400 RPM SATA Hard Drive
• DVD/CD-RW combo LightScribe DVD±RW SuperMulti with Double Layer optical drive
• 17 inch WXGA+ BrightView with anti-glare
• ATI Mobility Radeon X1350 (64 or 128-bit 4-channel DDR dedicated graphics memory) Microsoft DirectX 9 capable
• Windows Vista Basic Operating System
• Energy Star qualified with 6-cell (55WHr) Lithium-Ion battery
• External
  90-watt AC adapter, 6-foot (1.8-meter) power cord included. Total
  length including external AC adapter is 12 feet (3.66 meter)
• 3 USB 2.0 data ports
• Intel Fast Ethernet Integrated Controller (10/100 NIC) with 56K V.92 modem and 802.11 a/b/g wireless network support

Specifications:

In the box:

• Compaq 6820s 17” Notebook PC
• Battery
• Recovery Discs
• Power Supply
• Owners Manual

USB Pole Dancer from Woot Video on Vimeo.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Powered directly from the USB port on your computer and possibly entertain you any time of day or night
• 30 second dance track
• Multi-colored disco lights, recreate an authentic night club atmosphere
• As music plays, the dancer spins around the pole, moving up and down as she spins
• Connect an MP3 player and she will dance to your favorite music
• No batteries or software required

In the box:

• USB Pole Dancer

How did we know when Sudoku had officially arrived? Not when they
started printing the number-puzzle game in the newspaper. Not when
Brangelina named their latest imported orphan “Sudoku”. No, not even
when the New York Yankees announced that their new stadium would be
called Sudoku Coliseum. We knew Sudoku was now an indelible part of our
culture when we found this piece of cheapo cash-in crap way down at the
bottom of the barrel.

See, this iGadget Electronic Pocket
Sudoku Game represents the kind of quick-buck grab that’s only
profitable when millions upon millions of people are caught up in the
craze. If this were 1978, it would be a pocket horoscope generator; in
1988, a handheld trivia game. Only when a pastime reaches a critical
mass of enthusiasts are there enough rubes among them to buy absolute
crud like this.

From a Chinese sweatshop to a dollar store
to your hot little hands, it brings three levels of Sudoku “action”
along with helpful instructions like “Do not expose machine to the
sunshine, even can’t shock or break forcibly.” But don’t take our word
for it – let’s see what actual reviewers have to say:

• “A complete waste of $. Sticky cheap keys, instructions incomplete and unclear, arrived with dead batteries. Stay away!”
• “Some of the keys don’t work and makes changing the levels impossible.”
• “Worst Gadget Ever”
• “Obviously, whoever designed this have NEVER played Sudoku.”
• “A rip-off at any price!”
• ”…without a doubt the worst purchase that I have ever made (even though it was at such a low cost).”
• “Useless piece of junk! Do not spend your money on this – not even worth $1.”

The
reviews collectively spin a sordid tale of dead batteries, unresponsive
controls, and the same puzzles over and over again. Got your credit
card out yet? Maybe you’ll get lucky and get one with corroded
batteries!

Contrary to those reviews, though, we can
confidently state that it contains more than one different puzzle per
level – perhaps even as many as three. So it’s perfect for passing the
time on your next plane trip, assuming your flight lasts half an hour
or less.

No, you won’t get anywhere near your money’s worth
out of this iGadget Electronic Pocket Sudoku Game…at first. But
someday, if you’re patient, it’ll be a valuable piece of cultural
history. Wow, the museum-goers of tomorrow will marvel, once upon a time, people were so into Sudoku that somebody was able to make money off of this piece of garbage.

Warranty: 90 Day iGadget

Features:

• Three Modes: Easy-Medium-Hard
• Each mode can automatically generate several puzzles
• Built in memory can record game status and your highest score
• LED backlit function, intelligent control, and manual or automatic option
• “SLEEP” function. automatically enters into sleep mode after 10 minutes if not used. Continue game by turning on
• By pressing “Submit” allows you to examine results on game completion
• Cursor design: Flashing cursor indicates current position allowing for convenient directional move
• Large LCD screen with back light, suitable for day or night use
• Sound function: Keys use different sounds to minimize operation error
• Runs on two ‘AAA’ batteries (Included)

In the box:

• iGadget TY-425 Sudoku Electronic Puzzle Game
• 2 AAA Batteries
• User Guide

It used to be that if you wanted to draw Bugs Bunny making out with
a Charmander, you’d have to leave the house. “What are you working on?”
they’d say at the art store, and you’d have to say “Why, an exploration
of copyright law layered with the gentle parody of present-day cultural
gods!” and then hope they didn’t figure it out and refuse to sell you
the charcoal. Thanks to the DigiPro 5.5×4” Graphics Tablet, those risky
days are gone.

The DigiPro 5.5×4” Graphics Tablet works with
Mac and PC, and can be used with Photoshop or any of the other programs
we can’t really remember the names of at the moment. But it doesn’t
stop there! You can also take advantage of the tablet hot spots to
create program shortcuts and menu commands, allowing you to use your
DigiPro 5.5×4” Graphics Tablet just like it was an intern or mouse.
Wait, mice need cheese, don’t they? Better stick with the intern.

The
stylus pen has 512 levels of pressure, like some cross between Doom IV
and Battletoads. That 5.5×4 pad gives you room to work without swiping
valuable desk real estate. You’ve got plenty to work with here.

Why
risk the deadly cancer beams from our cruel and murderous star? Express
yourself at home, with the help of the DigiPro 5.5×4” Graphics Tablet.
Trust us, when the world sees the finished version of your Gundam vs
Cloverfield, they’ll beat a path to your door.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Draw from scratch on your computer with a 5.5×4-inch working area
• Control the thickness of your strokes with 512 pressure levels (Software application must support pressure sensitivity)
• Cordless stylus with mouse button controls
• Tablet hot spots offer shortcuts to programs and menu commands
• Utilize your operating systems hand writing recognition feature

System Requirements:

• Windows 98SE/ME/2000/XP
• Mac OS 9.x, 10.2.6 or higher
• 64 MB RAM
• 128 MB free hard disk space
• CD-ROM drive
• USB port

In the box:

• DigiPro 5.5×4” Graphics Tablet
• Stylus Pen
• Pen Holder
• Users Guide
• Software CD

The hope on the face of a baby taking her first steps. The morning
mist on the lake where father and son fish silently, together.
Grandmother and grandchild sharing a hug across the generations.

This LG 22” LCD
monitor isn’t about any of these things. It frankly couldn’t care less
about the special moments in our lives. All it wants to do is deliver a
crisp, vivid widescreen picture with a 2 ms response time. But maybe,
just maybe, if we evoke enough schmaltzy, sentimental imagery in this
piece, you’ll reach down deep and give us some of your money.

It’s
about a young couple getting the keys to their first, humble home. It’s
about the playful gleam in a puppy’s eye. It’s about a beloved voice
from far away, ringing down the telephone line: “I miss you.”

It’s
about whatever will leave you emotionally vulnerable and wear down your
sales resistance. We could just explain to you why it’s a useful,
high-quality monitor, but that’s the logical person’s way out. We
sincerely believe that if we pelt you with manipulative glurge, you’ll
be that much more likely to leave your wallet open for us to plunder as
we wish. You might not even notice this part right here where we tell
you that these are refurbished and may have a dead pixel or two. It’s a
slim chance. But chances like those are the gingerbread that people
build their dream castles out of.

So go play catch with your
kids. Go dance with someone who loves you. Go teach an adult to read.
Go send a “Thinking of You” card to an old friend, or make a new one.
Through all the moments you treasure, the LG W2252TQ-TF 22” Widescreen LCD Monitor will be there…as long as you give us some money first.

Warranty: 90 Day LG

Features:

• 22” 16:10 Widescreen monitor with 1680×1050 native resolution
• 2ms response time, for crisp and clear images
• Support for DVI or VGA video connections
• Capable of displaying 16.2 million colors with 170°/170° viewing angle
• FLATRON f-ENGINE adjusts the contrast and brightness independently of each other
• 3H Anti-glare treatment
• Certified for and compliments the look of Windows Vista

Specifications:

• Type: 22” Widescreen (22.0” diagonal)
• Screen Aspect Ration: 16:10
• Resolution: 1680×1050
• Brightness: 300 cd/m2
• Contrast Ratio: 10,000:1
• Response Time: 2ms
• Viewing Angle: 170°/170°
• Color Depth (Number of Colors): 16.2M
• Surface Treatment: 3H Anti-Glare

Video Input:

• Auto H/V Frequency: 30~83kHz/56~75Hz
• D-Sub
• DVI-D
• Jack Position: Rear

Power:

• Power Type (Adapter or LIPS): LIPS
• Normal (On) Typ.: 40W
• Sleep Mode: <1W
• Power S/W Off: <1W

Regulations:

• UL (cUL)
• TUV-GS: TUV-Type
• SEMKO
• FCC-B, CE
• EPA
• VESA Mounting

Dimensions (W x H x D):

• Without Stand: 20.4” x 14.6” x 2.4”
• With Stand: 20.4” x 16.9” x 8.7”
• In Packaging: 22.9” x 17.7” x 5.0”

Weight (lbs):

• Without Stand: 9.7 lbs
• In Packaging: 12.7 lbs

In the box:

• LG W2252TQ-TF 22” 2ms LCD Monitor
• Stand
• VGA Cable
• Power Cable

When I was a kid, in the Eighties, all the parents in the neighborhood would get together and have parties to watch Thirtysomething.
My friends and I would laugh as they talked about old people stuff like
Beatlemania and Vietnam, and we’d enjoy talking about modern stuff,
like Defender and Sinistar. We figured we’d never understand what it
was like to be so old. The Sixties? That was like twenty years ago!

Well,
now it’s been twenty years, and here’s the Midway 12 Game Stand-Up
Arcade System. Joust, Robotron, Rampage, even Bubbles (released before
MJ named his chimp). 14” full color CRT
monitor, AV jacks to plug in your other consoles, and a dual control
panel to allow head to head play. You’ll take it out of the box and get
right to Rampagin’, just like you were back in school. Have some
friends over and laugh about the way you still can’t escape the Lava
Troll. And rest assured, your kids are laughing too, just like you did.
But that’s how it should be, right?

Features: 90 Day Midway

• 14” full color CRT monitor with 12 Classic Arcade Hits built in
• Accessible AV jacks allow you to plug in and play any of your other home video game systems
• Dual Control Panel for Head-to-Head Play
• No assembly required, plug and play

Built in Classic Arcade Games:

• Defender
• Defender II
• Bubbles
• Splat
• Sinistar
• Rampage
• Satans Hollow
• Root Beer Tapper
• Timber
• Wizard of Wor
• Roborton
• Joust

In the box:

• Midway 12 Game Stand-Up Arcade System
• Users Guide

We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Why would I want this Logik 4GB MP3 Player with Reverse LCD Screen?” Well, we’re about to tell you why right now: BECAUSE IT LOOKS COOL.

Just
imagine: in a Jobs-less world, this is what the iPod would have been.
In a world where the future as imagined by 1977 unfolded just as they
predicted, this is what we’d be carrying. It’s so futuristic in a retro
sort of way, isn’t it? Like it should be holding your 8-tracks! Well,
it can! In MP3 form.

The Logik 4GB MP3 Player with Reverse LCD Screen
is built for direct encoding. This means you just plug in your hi-fi
and turn that vinyl into digital. No waiting on “the man” to release
Glen Campbell’s Wichita Christmas at the iTunes store. The RIAA doesn’t even have to know. You just plug and play… and record!

With a four line LCD Backlit Display, the Logik 4GB MP3 Player with Reverse LCD Screen shows you artist, genre and song title and makes navigation as easy as Sunday morning. It plays WMA and MP3 and works with Windows or Mac. You get headphones and a USB Cable and an AAA
battery. And you get the joy of knowing you’re out hipping the
hipsters. Vinyl is the new cassette, you know. Start flashing that
Logik 4GB MP3 Player with Reverse LCD Screen and see how many parties you get invited to join.

Warranty: 90 Day Logik

Features:

• WMA/MP3 Digital Music Playback
• Voice Recording and Playback
• MP3 Direct Encoding
• MP3/WMA/DRM 9 & 10 support
• Sort by artist, genre and song title with easy navigation
• 4 Line LCD Backlit Display
• Up to 18 hours battery life
• No driver requires for file/audio transfer
• Windows XP/2K/Vista Mac OS X.
• USB 2.0 compatible

In the box:

• Logik LOG-04 MP3 Player
• Headphones
• USB Cable
• One AAA Alkaline Battery
• Driver CD
• User’s Guide

When we took a look at the Otto V35-1000
OT-5 Over the Ear Active Noise Reduction Headphones, we immediately
noticed one thing: their copy. Whoever is workin’ it for Otto is pretty
clever. Their slogan is “Because you don’t hear with your eyes” and
they say that “The OT5 delivers sound so
big, full and accurate that it would bring tears to your ears if your
ears had tear ducts”. That’s the sort of thing we usually have to come
up with, so we understand how much work it takes. Well done, Otto.

But this doesn’t mean we’ll just give them a free pass. Like all our headphones, we have to put the Otto V35-1000
OT-5 Over the Ear Active Noise Reduction Headphones to a serious test.
So we’ve gone out to a local park and asked Kevin, one of the warehouse
guys, to help us out. He’s over there, fifty feet away.

Hey

Now, Kevin, we’re going to play a song through these headphones. We need you to tell us how it sounds.

I’m fifty feet away, I can’t really-

Great, thanks. Kevin, it’s playing now, does it sound big, full and accurate?

Sure, yeah. It’s like I’m only forty-nine and a half feet away. It’s amazing. Wow.

Great! Well, there’s the first claim, all checked out. The Otto V35-1000
OT-5 Over the Ear Active Noise Reduction Headphones sound pretty good.
Now I’m going to turn on the noise canceling. Kevin? Do you hear less
noise?

I can’t hear any sort of difference at all out here.

Well, there we are. We’ve scientifically proven that the Otto V35-1000 OT-5 Over the Ear Active Noise Reduction Headphones are a pretty good pair of headphones with lousy noise cancelation.

They’ve got an airline adapter too, remember.

They
do have an airline adapter, so they’d be great for a plane trip. And
the padding on the headband and ear covers is pretty nice. Thanks,
Kevin.

No problem. Can I get a ride back to the warehouse?

If you’re looking for decent low-cost headphones with good copy, you’ll be happy with these Otto V35-1000 OT-5 Over the Ear Active Noise Reduction Headphones.

Hey, I think I see lightning! Are we done? Can I come back?

But if you’re after high end noise canceling, well, keep in mind that today the only thing outstanding in the field… is Kevin.

And you said we could stop for burgers on the way home! We’re still gonna do that, right? Hey, right?

Warranty: 1 Year Otto

Features:

• Over the ear headphone that can reduce outside noise
• Works with Sansa players, iPod, or anything audio device that uses a 3.5mm mini jack
• Adjustable padded headband, and padded ear covers for a comfortable fit
• Noise reduction switch reduces surrounding noise
• Includes airplane adapter, good for air travel

Specifications:

• Speakers: 40 mm neodymium magnets
• Noise Reduction: -13dB
• Frequency Response: 20Hz to 20KHz
• Sensitivity: 96dB
• Battery Required: 1 AAA
• Battery Life: Up to 60 hours

In the box:

• Otto V35-1000 OT-5 Headset
• Airplane Adapter
• Carrying Pouch

If we were rich, maybe. We could have flown the private jet and seen each other every day. But all we had was a Netgear WG111NAR 802.11g Wireless USB 2.0
Adapter. She was over there. I was over here. And sure, it wasn’t like
we were tied together with a wire, you know, we still had our freedom,
but maybe that’s what kept us from being together. It went from six
times a day to every night before bed to every couple days to once a
week to the occasional hello to silence. I knew there was someone else
out there, that wasn’t what bothered me. I just wanted to know that if
I walked in with flowers and a big smile that 64/128-bit encryption
would keep out anyone but me, for as long as I wanted to connect. But
sometimes what seems so close is really so far away.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Delivers consistent wireless connections—no more dropped connections or dead spots
• Simple and secure way to share a broadband Internet connection
• Designed for your notebook or desktop PC
• Supports WMM™, WMM Power Save
• Good for surfing the Internet, email and online chat
• Provides wireless access to your desktop, notebook or public Wi-Fi hotspots
• Maximum performance requires use with NETGEAR Wireless-G Router

Wireless Speeds

• 1, 2, 5.5, 6, 9, 11, 12, 18, 24, 36, 48, and 54 Mbps (auto rate capable); compatible with 802.11b or 802.11g

Encryption

• 64- and 128-bit WEP encryption
• WPA-PSK and WPA2-PSK

Modulation Type

• 802.11b: Direct-sequence spread spectrum (CCK, DQPSK, DBPSK)
• 802.11g: Orthogonal Frequency division Multiplexing (64QAM, 16QAM, QPSK, BPSK)

Standards Capability

• PC: USB 2.0 Compliant, Microsoft® Windows® Vista™, XP 64, XP, 2000, Me, or 98SE, 802.11g wireless standard, WMM™, WMM Power Save

Frequency

• 2.412 ~ 2.462 GHz (US)
• 2.412 ~ 2.472 GHz (Japan)
• 2.412 ~ 2.472 GHz (Europe ETSI)

Environmental Specifications

• Operating temperature: 32º to 140º F (0º to 60º C)
• Operating humidity: 5% to 95%, non-condensing

Electromagnetic Compliance

• FCC Part 15 Class B

Physical Specifications

• Dimensions (l x w x h) 94.5×30.2×15.2 mm (3.72×1.19 x .6 in)
• Weight: 32 g (1.13 oz)

System Requirements:

• Pentium® Class PC
• Available USB 2.0 or 1.1 port (maximum speeds attained with USB 2.0)
• Microsoft® Windows® Vista™, XP 64, XP, 2000, 98SE, or Me
• 8 Mb of free hard drive space

In the box:

• Netgear WG111 802.11g USB 2.0 Wireless Adapter

My tech is Root Cyclone
And my suction is great
I’m asthma friendly cause
I’m a DC One Eight
I’ve got a brush tool and
I can handle your stairs
Aren’t you glad I’m on sale again

Lifetime HEPA filtration
That’s improving the air
Ninety nine point nine seven
Percent of junk’s trapped in there
Zero point three microns
Smaller than that and who cares
Here I am, I’m on sale again

The last time I sold out
Some people came around
They po-po-posted that they hoped that we had more about
I’m here to grant your wish
You ask what’s wrong with this?
My best friend Leslie says “She’s just a bit refurbished!”
Bring me into your house
I will redeem myself
Just want to clean rugs again
Whoa whoa I
So want to be
Your Dyson Slim

I got this crazy pivot
Makes contact at all times
My bin is transparent
To let you look inside
I’ve got a crevice tool
And it stores on my side
Bet someone is glad I’m on sale again

The last time I sold out
Some people came around
They po-po-posted that they hoped that we had more about
I’m here to grant your wish
You ask what’s wrong with this?
My best friend Leslie says “She’s just a bit refurbished!”
Bring me into your house
I will redeem myself
Just want to clean rugs again
Whoa whoa I
So want to be
Your Dyson Slim

My tech is Root Cyclone
And my suction is great

The last time I sold out
Some people came around
They po-po-posted that they hoped that we had more about
I’m here to grant your wish
You ask what’s wrong with this?
My best friend Leslie says “She’s just a bit refurbished!”
Bring me into your house
I will redeem myself
Just want to clean rugs again
Whoa whoa I
So want to be
Your Dyson Slim
Whoa whoa I
Just want to be
Your Dyson Slim

Warranty: 6 Month Dyson

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Features:

• Suction power – 200 airwatts (constant)
• Root Cyclone Technology – Uses cyclonic separation to remove dirt from the air with out using a filter.
• Lifetime HEPA Filtration – HEPA (High
  Efficiency Particulate Air) filters can remove 99.97% of airborne
  particles 0.3 micrometers in diameter. This can trap fine particles
  such as pollen or other allergens.
• Certified Asthma Friendly – Air expelled from a Dyson DC18 has up to 150 times less mold and bacteria than the air you breathe.
• Central pivot on the cleaner head ensures the head maintains perfect contact with the floor even when the machine is turning.
• Easy Empty Bin – Button controlled system allows for a clean and hygienic way to discard dust and dirt it traps.
• On Board Tool Storage – Brush, stair, and crevice tools store on the machine.
• Brush Bar – Will protect delicate floors and rugs
• Clear Bin – You can see when the bin should be emptied. No need to buy specific vacuum bags.
• Max power input: 11 amps
• Cord length: 25 ft.
• Maximum reach: 41.58 ft.
• Bin capacity: 0.45 gal.
• Height: 43.7 in.
• Width: 12.1 in.
• Depth: 16.3 in.

In the box:

• Dyson DC18 All-Floor Vacuum
• Combination Accessory Tool
• Brush Tool
• Users Manual

If there’s one thing teachers have figured out by now, it’s how to
“make learning fun”. This Leapfrog Leapster L-Max Learning Game System
is a good example. Through basic video games (we’re talking about the
Frogger and Pole Position kind of basic) kids learn letters, phonics,
spelling, numbers, counting, addition, subtraction, rhyming and more.
Yeah, we were kind of thrown by “rhyming” as well. Isn’t that kind of
hardwired into kids right out of the gate? It’s not like there’s some
marketing agency coming up with “Smelly Kelly” and “Scary Barry” and
selling the intellectual rights under the slide at recess. But we
digress.

The Leapfrog Leapster L-Max Learning Game System is
clearly designed kids who are too young to have played many video games
and so aren’t going to be worried about things like graphics and sound
and how much Japanese the final boss speaks. Plus you can obviously
learn things from video games. Check it out: How many of our readers
can point to Uzbekistan? And how many can get to that jetpack in San
Andreas in about fifteen seconds from anywhere on the map? Yeah, see?
Proving right there that Rockstar Public Schools would put John Dewey
to shame in half a generation. But again, we digress.

Blue
or pink, whichever color you like best. It doesn’t matter to us. Just
don’t be afraid of the Leapfrog Leapster L-Max Learning Game System. It
probably isn’t going to be a big challenge for a twenty-something (or,
alternatively, it might be too big a challenge for a twenty-something)
but for the target market, it’ll probably be a bit of fun. Or at least
it’ll shut ‘em up in the car for a while. And isn’t that what American
education is all about?

Warranty: 90 Day Leapfrog

Features:

• Combines learning skills for preschool though 4th grade
• Learn anytime, anywhere-on the go and with the TV
• Teaches, Letters, Phonics, Rhyming, Spelling, Numbers, Counting, Addition, Subtracting, Art, and more
• Dimensions: 16.50” x 10.50” 2.50”
• Operates on 4 AA batteries

Each morning, the queen stood before the mirror and ask, “Mirror,
Mirror On The Wall, Who Is Fairest Of Them All?” And the mirror would
always say “You, my queen!” and the queen would be happy.

But
then, one day, the mirror said “Snow White, my queen, is fairest of
all!” and this made the queen very angry. Because the queen spent a lot
of money on surgery in order to impress her talking mirror. So the
queen bought a Disney Princess Movie Maker for the lovely Snow White,
and sent her out into the world to make documentaries, because seeing
the harsh underbelly of the world is the best way to lose your
innocence and beauty.

Using the six minutes of video and
audio that the 32MB internal memory would hold, Snow White slowly used
the Disney Flix software to edit together a study of Dwarf Culture,
finding herself fascinated by the strange little men who worked in the
mine. Soon she began to feel guilty that she had grown up in a ruling
class family, and considered getting an anthropology degree.
Thankfully, her videos had been transfered to the internet through the USB connection, and were noticed by a handsome prince.

Snow
White soon accepted the prince’s offer of funding, intending to make an
expose on the way the neighboring kingdom used mice as coachmen in
order to save on money. But then she was offered the new Meg Ryan
picture, and that was a big step forward. So she decided to put those
projects on the back burner and think of her career for once.

Within
the year, Snow White was using her Disney Princess Movie Maker to
remake a public domain fairy tale that became a smashing success. Her
prince knew a senator who used to host a variety show with his rock
star ex-wife, and so the three of them worked to draft legislation that
would ensure copyright law would be favorable to Snow’s long term
goals. Within five years, Snow White was being described as a “triple
threat” and ran her own entertainment company that condemned
Congressional oversight at the same time it lobbied for extensions that
changed the nature of a law intended to protect artists, not
businessmen.

And the mirror never said another word.

Warranty: 1 Year Prime Entertainment

Features:

• Direct and record, capture digital video and audio at or away from your computer
• Edit
  your footage with special effects and images from your favorite
  Princess movies and share your movies with your friends by screening
  them on your computer or sending them in e-mails
• Take snapshots like a digital camera or create stop-motion animated movies
• Captures four minutes of video and audio
• Features 32MB internal memory

Specifications:

• Resolution: 640×480 VGA resolution when streaming to PC. Resolution may be lower when untethered.
• Memory: 32 MB internal memory
• Recording Time: 4 Minutes Away from PC, unlimited when attached to PC
• Audio Recording: Built-in Microphone
• Power Source: USB Docking Station or PC when connected, 4 AAA Batteries (not included)
• Software Features: Animation, Video & Audio Editing, Add Tracks & Credits, Select Music Tracks, Playback Tools
• Size & Weight: 3.2” L x 1.6” W x 6.7” H: 5oz.

Computer Requirements:

• Windows ME, 2000, XP
• 300MHz or faster processor
• 64MB RAM
• 300MB free hard disk space
• SVGA 800×600 resolution video support (min. 16-bit color)
• USB port enabled
• 4x CD-ROM

In the box:

• Disney Princess Movie Maker™
• Docking Station with USB Cable
• Wrist Strap
• Software CD-ROM
• User Guide

Interzone, 1957

Washed up on a beach after six
days without a grain. Met by a strange bear-thing the color of my dead
wife’s hair. It talked like the clicking of beetles – cliksnap! cliksnap!
– and called itself a Bobbler. I had the shakes something fierce so it
gave me a cigarette. We went to the Tumble Tunnel and I almost fell
down. Bobbler pointed up to Rainbow Balcony – cliksnap! cliksnap!
– and even in my delirium I knew what he was saying. “She’ll fix you
up! She’s got what you need!” The room was full of strange
conversations and music. I counted five different languages, and with
each word I was pushed, pulled, opened, closed, dropped and spun.

I
shook like a babe at First Communion as I tried to climb those stairs.
I saw stars, stars and flowers, and heard the Bobbler downstairs
cheering me on- cliksnap! cliksnap! – but I couldn’t go another
step. Next thing I know it was a week later and I was drenched in sweat
and wearing a fat Egyptian’s boxer shorts. They said they found me in
Alphabet Alley. I said “Jack, you can keep it.”

Somewhere
out there is the Brightlings Exploration Station. I might have been
there for 6 months or 3 years. And I hope to God I never have to go
back.

Warranty: 90 Day Leapfrog

Features:

• Brightlings Exploration Station is a world of discovery and learning that grows with your child
• Loads of places to visit and lots of things to push, pull, open, close, drop and spin
• Lights, music, talking characters and learning songs to bring this magical world of learning to live!
• Baby, Toddler, and music modes
• Operates on 3 AA batteries
• Package Dimensions: 18.00” x 15.50” x 5.50”
• Good for children ages 6 to 36 months

Baby mode encourages:

• Language Development
• Vocalization
• Motor Skills
• Sensory Exploration

Toddler mode introduces:

• Five Languages
• Counting 1-10
• Cause and Effect
• Creative Thinking

In the box:

• Leapfrog Brightlings Exploration Station

We understand why all you PC game hens would be scared. The Saitek Rumble Force Gamepad promises “maximum gaming realism.” So you’re probably thinking: Well, that doesn’t sound very fun.

You’re imagining sports games in which you’re realistically laughed off the field for being overweight and uncoordinated. You’re picturing first-person shooter games where you spend the entire session cowering realistically inside a cupboard with no bladder control. You’re thinking the first time you try to cast a spell in a fantasy game, a big, fat, realistic nothing’s going to happen, and you’ll be realistically beaten up just like the time you tried to convince the other kids on the bus that you were a spellcasting warlock after school.

But don’t worry. This is just another case of marketing tpes’ overstating a product’s features. The Saitek Rumble Force Gamepad will not actually make your fast-paced, action-packed, ultra-violent video game experience “realistic.” What a nightmare that would be! It will, however, vibrate a little in your hands while you play.

Warranty: 2 Year Saitek

Features:

• PC game pad with powerful Runble Force technology for maximum gaming realism
  
• Saitek Smart Technology programming software allows you to program the controller with keyboard and mouse commands, enabling it to work with games that only have support for keyboard and mice
  
• 2 quick-fire shoulder triggers
  
• 8-way D-pad
  
• 6 responsive buttons
  
• 2 analog joysticks with built-in buttons
  
• Shift Key – provides up to 20 programmable function

Minimum System Requirements:

• 166MHz Processor
  
• 32MB RAM
  
• USB Port

In the box:

• Saitek P2500/J62 Rumble Force Gamepad
  
• User Manual
  
• Installation CD

Once upon a time, in the days before democracy, there was an
Emperor. And this Emperor had a lot of money, because in the days
before democracy, there were no local representatives who had a friend
that ran a construction company. There was only the Emperor, and an
Emperor had no friends.

What the Emperor did have was a
whole room full of blind guys. Because, in the days before democracy,
there was no one to speak for the rights of the differently-abled. So
when a blind guy showed up in town, the locals just took him up to the
Emperor’s place, and shoved him in the room. Hey, don’t get mad at us,
this is a really old story, we didn’t make it up ourselves.

Anyway,
one day the Emperor woke up and said “Bring me eight of the blind
guys.” His guards went off and got eight blind guys out of the room and
brought them to the Emperor. The Emperor held out a two pack of the 90°
Horizontal and Vertical Laser Levels and said “Blind guys, describe
this to me.”

The first blind guy said “Oh! It’s got some sort of magnetic base, but it’s shaped like Pac-Man!”

The second blind guy said “I found the battery door, it takes 2 AAA Batteries, which are not included.”

The third blind guy said “It seems to allow you to adjust it to any surface.”

The
fourth blind guy said “I see the laser goes both horizontal and
vertical!” and then there was a little discussion about who put a guy
who could see in the blind guy room and finally the fourth guy was
allowed to leave and one of the guards was fired for incompetence.

The fifth blind guy said “There are two levels and two bases!”

The
sixth blind guy said nothing, because he was also a deaf-mute, and this
led the Emperor to ask his advisor to make a note that they had to
consider adding additional rooms for other differently-abled citizens
so that this sort of thing wouldn’t happen.

The seventh blind guy yelled “VIVA LA RESISTANCE!”
and shined the 2 pack of 90° Horizontal and Vertical Laser Levels right
into the Emperor’s eyes. Suddenly, the Emperor could not see. He felt
his heart sink, and became aware at the horrible way he had treated
those who trusted him. He resolved to be a better Emperor, and to help
his people, regardless of race, color, status, creed or social standing.

Sadly,
before Emperor could say anything about his sudden change of heart, the
eighth guy jumped across the room and beat the crap out of him. For the
eighth guy had trained for years in a very specific form of non-sighted
Kung Fu, and now wanted revenge for being locked in that room for so
long. Before any of the guards could move, the Emperor collapsed, dead
from the relentless blows of the eighth guy, and died.

Now,
the Emperor’s body had fallen right on top of the beloved two pack of
90° Horizontal and Vertical Laser Levels. Everyone in the palace wanted
to move the body, but no one could agree on how to move it or where the
body should be placed after it was moved. And because everybody
disagreed, that very day, democracy was born.

So that,
children, is why you shouldn’t dabble in the Eastern Religions. You
don’t see any kung-fu Calvinists, do you? And when was the last time
you saw a ninja from the Church of England?

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Dual laser beam, horizontal or vertical, projects on your work surface
• Magnetic base for hands free use
• Integrated horizontal and vertical bubble levels
• Level adjustments for any surface
• Laser class: Class IIIa
• Max Power Output: <5mW
• Wavelength: 630-660nm
• Power Supply: 2 AAA Batteries (Not included)

In the box:

• 2 Laser Levels
• 2 Adjustable Bases

Halloween is just around the corner, waiting there to jump out and yell “GAAAAAH!” While we’re more terrified about the global economic meltdown, we appreciate the effort. And speaking of recession, we wonder if the costume industry is having a down season this year. After all, anybody with a house full of Woots purchased in more prosperous times can put a costume together. Or so we’re hoping. Your challenge this week:

Show us a Halloween costume made from past or current Woot products.

And Shirt.Woots don’t count. If that’s what you’re into, you should check out the current t-shirt design competition, Derby #65: Shirt as Costume.

Post your entry here by 11:59 AM CST on Monday, October 27, 2008.
Prizes are $20/$50/$100 for 3rd/2nd/1st. The rules and criteria for
winning: our panel of volunteer judges can and will make stuff up as it
goes along. Use Photoshop, linoleum blocks, pastels, MSPaint, cave
painting, tattoos, tribal scarification, whatever, but it’ll only be
judged if it’s visible in our forums as a jpg, gif, or png. As we are
fond of saying, try to keep your maximum width to 450px. If you need a
place to host your pictures, try www.imageshack.ws or www.photobucket.com.
We have no connection to either, but they seem free and easy to use.
And if you want us to be sure your entry was indeed your work, post
links to your source images. The more sure we are that you did your own
work, the more likely we are to consider it for a prize.

With a reputation for high-quality Bluetooth headsets, Plantronics
brings lightweight convenience and ergonomic design to its model 222
Bluetooth Headset. And it’s definitely not part of a plot to conquer humanity masterminded by a half-man, half-plant supervillain. That would be ridiculous.

The
Plantronics 222 features all the standard headset controls, from
answering and ending calls to voice-activated dialing and last number
redial. Its QuickPair feature lets you quickly and easily pair it to
Bluetooth devices. You can wear it secure in the knowledge that it is
not made of living plant material, waiting for a signal from its master
to thrust a tendril through your ear canal and deep into your brain.
The Plantronics 222 will not put your mind in thrall to Plantron, evil
ruler of the botanical kingdom.

Whether you’re looking for
handsfree calling convenience or to avoid being enslaved by malevolent,
sentient plants the Plantronics 222 Bluetooth Headset is right for you!
Wear it while you can, puny human!

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Headset Weight: 15 grams
• Up to 6 hours of talk time
• Up to 200 hours (8 days) of standby time
• QuickPair fast and easy pairing to Bluetooth devices
• Standard Call Features, Call answer/end, last number redial, voice-activated dialing, and volume control
• Rechargeable lithium ion battery
• Bluetooth Compatibility: Bluetooth devices su