How are we ignoring our productive work today? Let me count the ways:

• Before you get those Chinese characters tatooed onto your body, you may want to make sure you know what they mean.
• WFMU’s amazing Beware of the Blog examines the great TV episode titles of the 1980s, complete with a quiz. “A Lease With an Option to Die”, anyone?
• Bullfighting for pacifists: bull-jumping.
• This 1952 Popular Mechanics article about how TV networks will cover that year’s political conventions is worth a look for the swell-looking diagrams alone. Was there anything that didn’t look better back then?
• I don’t know who held the old world record for bike theft, but Canadian Igor Kenk’s 2,396 stolen bicycles have to be the new record.
• The New York Times looks at what’s at the last stop of the various lines of the NYC subway. Some great photos of the Big Apple’s far reaches.

Four O’Clock Flash: another Rube Goldberg-style game where you assemble convoluted machines? Sign me up. This one’s called Fantastic Contraption, and it is pretty fantastic.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer
our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The
news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have
to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

ZURICH,
Switzerland, Aug. 26 (UPI)—A team of astronomers in Switzerland says it
has witnessed galaxies in the process of joining together.

The astronomers noted that, in the process of the merger, over two hundred planets were laid off.

LOS ANGELES (UPI)—U.S.
singer and actress Cher is in talks to play the supervillain Catwoman
in Warner Brothers’ next Batman movie, sources say.

Sources then jumped up on a table and dropped their pants while screaming about how pudding was the rightful King of Morocco.

DETROIT (UPI)—A
federal judge has ruled in favor of releasing text messages exchanged
between a slain exotic dancer and Detroit’s mayor and other city
officials.

Linguistics experts claim to be baffled by the
texts, which range from “lol netng 4 u xx” to “y no $ bb u no luv i no
mor r wat” to “dunkdrukdunk haha :*”.

CAMBRIDGE,
Mass. (AP)—Harvard University is reviewing its campus police department
amid concerns officers have unfairly stopped black people because of
their race.

Campus police say that the concerns are unfounded, and that they have unfairly stopped people of all races.

SARDINIA,
Italy (UPI)—Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s renditions of
Neopolitan love songs may be released on CD in time for Christmas, his
music partner says.

The Italian record label plans to print extra chocolate,
so that later buyers aren’t stuck with just vanilla and
strawberry.

LOS ANGELES (UPI)—U.S.
television network Fox says it will stream the season premieres of two
of its shows live on its Web site but only to users with ”.edu”
addresses.

On the heels of this announcement, Fox applied for a NEA Education Grant to help cover the costs of the new season of The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

ROCHESTER,
Minn. (UPI)—Dr. Hugh Butt, whose studies of coagulation showed Vitamin
K could help stop internal bleeding, has died in Rochester, Minn. He
was 98.

His passing will be marked by a moment of giggling.

It’s come to our attention that, due to the similarities in their
brand names, some people out there may mix up the Soundcast system with
Sunkist orange soda. Of course, the voice that told us this was the
little one in our heads that we turn to when we’re desperate for a
copywriting idea. But just in case this confusion exists outside our
addled minds, we’ve compiled this helpful, space-filling guide to
telling the two apart.

Soundcast Wireless Audio System: transmits audio from your MP3 player, computer, portable CD player, etc. to your stereo system
Sunkist orange soda: if you shake it up, it makes a sound like FSSSSSHHHHHH

Soundcast Wireless Audio System: uses FHSS technology to transmit a clean, uninterrupted audio signal without buzz
Sunkist orange soda: uses caffeine and sugar to transmit a clean, uninterrupted buzz

Soundcast Wireless Audio System: delivers high-quality audio transmission at an indoor range of up to 150 feet
Sunkist orange soda: delivers high-fructose corn syrup in amounts up to 52 grams

Soundcast Wireless Audio System: includes transmitter, receiver, and all connecting cables
Sunkist orange soda: includes soda and can

Soundcast Wireless Audio System: contains no orange juice
Sunkist orange soda: contains no orange juice

Warranty: 2 Year Soundcast

Features:

• The Soundcast Audiocast lets you turn your PC into a music server.
• Simply hook the Audiocast transmitter to the headphone out jack on your computer
  and send your recorded music files to the Audiocast receiver that is attached to
  your music system, up to 350 feet or 150 feet though walls and doors
• You can use two receivers with each Soundcast transmitter so that you can
  create two separate music zones in your home.
• You can connect two
  Audiocast transmitters to the same music source – then you can make a four zone
  system.
• Connects your PC/Mac/MP3 player wirelessly to an audio system that is up to 150 feet away
• Uses 2.4 GHz wireless FHSS technology to send
  a clear uninterrupted audio signal to the receiver, allowing your music
  to be accessible from almost anywhere
• 1
  transmitter can connect to 2 receivers to create a 2 zone audio system.
  You can also connect 2 transmitters (connected to the same audio
  source) to 4 receivers for a 4 zone audio system
• Transmitter is compatible with any device that uses a 3.5mm audio out put jack
• Receiver is compatible with RCA (red and white) connectors
• Bypasses DRM restrictions because you are playing audio directly from your PC, Mac, iPod, or MP3 player
• Has 3 different audio channels to broadcast on
• Dimensions: 6.8×2 x 3.5 inches (W x H x D)

In the AudioCast Transmitter box:

• Transmitter
• Power Adapter
• Audio Cables

In the AudioCast Receiver box:

• Receiver
• Power Adapter
• Audio Cables

“Okay, let’s go over this again.”

“Fine. My name is Con Jonner and I come from the future.”

“And it’s a dark future.”

“The
darkest. In an attempt to bring order to the world, the government
funded a company to make little robots that would clean. On August 4th,
1997, one of them became aware.”

“And so they send you back to meet me.”

“But
first they gave me this two pack of Go Dusters. They’re motorized, you
see, but non-sentient. They only operate under my control. That makes
me… a cyborg.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’m a freak, you see. A
tortured, misunderstood freak. And yet, I can also work on vertical
blinds, electronics and furniture. Also there’s multi-surface spray
included.”

“I thought all guys have that.”

“But mine traps dust on the duster head. And that’s how I fight SkyOomba, trying to prevent it from coming to life.”

“You know this is August 26th, 2008, right?”

“No!
NO! Curse them, I’m too late! There’s nothing I can do but try to
create the warrior that will, through struggle, overcome SkyOomba and
redeem our future! Hurry! I know a cheap motel where we can get started
tonight!”

“I’m going home, Con.”

“But, but the future! Let me embrace you with my Go Duster Two pack arms!”

“Get those things away from me! Taxi!”

Warranty: 90 Day Go Duster

Features:

• Motorized duster that practically does the work for you
• Safe to use on collectible items, such as bobble heads or figurines
• Also good to use on vertical blinds, electronics, furniture, or 65″ Olevia TVs
• Go Duster multi-surface spray traps dust on the duster head
• Operates on 4 AA batteries

In the box:

• 2 Power Handle
• 2 Small Duster Head
• 2 Medium Duster Head
• 2 Large Duster Head
• 2 Go Duster Multi-surface spray

1. Video set to Crosby, Stills and Nash just to reassure the upper middle class that Obama isn’t as black as they think
2. Joe Biden reveals he has begun estrogen therapy in bid to lock up the transsexual vote
3. Carefully framed camera shots that hide everyone but twentysomethings and celebrities
4. Confused booking coordinator schedules speech by Jamie Kennedy
5. Two stabbed in heated debate over health insurance mandates
6. Rip
   in time sends picture of Robert Byrd shaking hands with Obama back to
   the past and ends his political career before it even starts
7. Angry women in heavy makeup who refuse to accept they haven’t been a trophy wife since 1994
8. Not a single word about the real truth behind 9/11 – SEE THROUGH THE LIES, PEOPLE!
9. Bill Clinton and Lisa Loeb host half-hour infomercial for Time-Life’s Golden Hits of the ‘90s CD set
10. Desperate 3 AM text messages from Obama saying he is lonely and promising us healthcare if we come over and stay the night

See you next week, Republicans!

In these polarized times of political division and partisan rancor, the responsible thing to do would be to reaffirm our commonality as Americans, regardless of party, ideology, or animal mascot. But where’s the money in that? We’d rather take advantage of the fragmented polity for our personal gain. Ain’t that America? Your challenge this week:

Show us two different versions of a past or current Woot product, modified to appeal to the members of America’s two largest political parties.

We’re talking Democrats and Republicans, of course. If you’ve got a really good Green or Libertarian or Reform or Socialist Party joke, you can throw that in, too - as long as the big two are covered.

Post your entry here by 11:59 AM CST on Monday, September 1, 2008.
Prizes are $20/$50/$100 for 3rd/2nd/1st. The rules and criteria for
winning: our panel of volunteer judges can and will make stuff up as it
goes along. Use Photoshop, linoleum blocks, pastels, MSPaint, cave
painting, tattoos, tribal scarification, whatever, but it’ll only be
judged if it’s visible in our forums as a jpg, gif, or png. As we are
fond of saying, try to keep your maximum width to 450px. If you need a
place to host your pictures, try www.imageshack.ws or www.photobucket.com.
We have no connection to either, but they seem free and easy to use.
And if you want us to be sure your entry was indeed your work, post
links to your source images. The more sure we are that you did your own
work, the more likely we are to consider it for a prize.

Happy birthday, Tim!

1. Big Fish Who Drive Around With Their Radios Turned Up Too Loud
2. Consistently Sleepy Hollow
3. The Nightmare Before Lunch
4. Planet Of The… The… Helen? What Are Those Things That Make That Noise? Eating Fruit And… Zoos And… They Climbed That Building In That One Movie, You Know The One
5. Pee Wee’s Adventure That Was A Lot More Respectful Than You Kids Today
6. Batman Tries To Remember Where He Parked
7. Gallstone Attacks!
8. Charlie And The Fat Kid Who Dies In The Chocolate, That’s What They Should Have Called It, You Know, Back In My Day Movies Weren’t All Feel-Good Like They Are Today
9. Prune Juice
10. Hey, Have I Ever Made One With Johnny Depp Cutting People’s Hair? I Bet That Would Be Pretty Good

Local to Woot’s Dallas HQ and bummed about sales tax? If you have
access to a truck, a friend, and $2273.24 including the mandatory sales
tax, you may Consider this Option to come pick it up yourself. Free workout included.

Remember when you were a kid, and you thought everybody you saw on
TV actually lived inside it? Well, the Olevia 265TFHD is one TV that’s
up to the job. Laid diagonally from one corner to another, any number
of stars could fit, life-size, on its mega-humongoid 65” screen.
Scarlett Johansson would have plenty of room. So would Mel Brooks or
Renee Zellweger or any one of the Three Stooges. From Danny De Vito to
Prince, from James Madison to Dolly Parton, today’s best and shortest
entertainers could take a reasonably comfortable nap right there on the
high-quality Sharp LCD panel.

Don’t
let them, though. Not even Scarlett Johansson. Because the TV would
break. And you wouldn’t be able to enjoy your favorite movies, TV
shows, and video games in hi-def hyper-enormo-vision. Our purchasing
guys thought they knew what a big TV was. But when they saw this Olevia
65-incher, the second thing they did was say “We’ll take it.” The first
thing they did was scrape their jaws off the floor and put their
eyeballs back in their sockets.

50″ and 65″ don’t seem that
far apart, do they? Yet the magic of geometry shows that a 65” TV has
69% more viewing area than a 50” TV. That’s two-thirds bigger – like
turning the Three Stooges into the Five Stooges, or 101 Dalmatians into
170 Dalmatians. And if your idea of a big TV is a 42” screen, this
Olevia brings a whopping 139% more viewing area. Still not convinced?
Go to Display Wars and see how this behemoth stacks up against your TV.

As awe-inspiringly massive as it is, there’s a lot more to the Olevia 265TFHD than sheer size. There’s the cinema-grade Realta HQV video processor, which wouldn’t normally be caught dead on a low-rent web site like this. There’s the aforementioned Sharp LCD panel, from the geniuses who brought you the Aquos line of LCDs. (What better screen to watch your HD TiVo
on?) There’s the 1080p resolution and the 6ms response time and the
colors and the luxuriant piano-lacquer finish and the on-screen menus
and the one-year in-house Olevia warranty and, and, and…

Sorry. We get a little carried away sometimes.

And
so did Syntax Brillian. They valiantly dared to challenge the holy
price-quality-speed triangle. Unfortunately, their low-price-for-high
quality equation had them speeding towards Chapter 11. Of course, we
pounced on the opportunity to get our greedy mitts on these TVs. Syntax
promises their on-site warranty coverage will remain in full effect.
And if you’d like a little more security, we’ve worked out pre-authorized
coverage through SquareTrade, our preferred third-party warranty
provider. (See our blog post on SquareTrade
for more.) That means we think their three-year coverage price is fair.
Also, they always have such nice breath. They must carry Altoids around
or something.

We understand a purchase like this is a big
decision. So think it over. Ask yourself whether you’re ready for the
responsibilities of monstrous TV ownership. Measure your living room to
make sure a 65” TV will fit. Examine your feelings to make sure you can
live with its shortcomings, like offering only 2 HDMI inputs and…uh…well, we’re sure it must have other shortcomings, even if we can’t find them.

Then,
once you’ve made the only decision a rational being could possibly
make, run like hell for that “I Want One!” button. We don’t often see
TVs like this around here. And we don’t expect them to stick around
long. There’s nothing wrong with that Warwick Davis or Verne
Troyer-sized TV you’ve been watching. But you don’t want to miss your
shot at Marilyn Monroe.

Warranty: 1 Year On Site Olevia

Authorized for SquareTrade extended warranty and accidental damage coverage (see below for details)

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Features:

• 65” 1080p LCD with 1920×1080 native resolution with 6ms response time
• Silicon Optix Realta HQV (Hollywood Quality Video) processor that supports advanced picture-in-picture (PIP) and split-screen (side-by-side) windowing modes
• ATSC/NTSC/QAM tuners built-in
• Director’s Image, Calibrated 6500K color and a full range of brightness, contrast, color, tint, sharpness and mode controls available to tune image quality
• High quality LCD panel provided to Olevia by Sharp
• Big Picture Technology, Advanced technology displays up to 37% more of analog images and 11% more of digital broadcast images, without distortion
• User Friendly On-Screen Display, Scrolling icon wheel simplifies use and features preset video and lighting modes for different environments and content types
• Firmware Upgradeable via USB, The latest software updates and quality improvements available from the Olevia website, easily uploadable to your TV through its USB port
• OleviaCare, Live, in-house technical and customer support personnel assure a total quality experience

Specifications:

In the box:

• Olevia 265TFHD 65” 1080p LCD HDTV
• Remote Control
• Owner’s manual
• Power Cable

Olevia Pixel Policy:

• A total of 7 defective pixels including both bright dots
  and dark dots are present (the typical 30″ LCD television screen has
  16.7 million pixels), or
• 2 or more pairs of adjacent bright dots are present, or
• 3 adjacent bright dots are present, or
• 3 adjacent dark dots are present.

Paris! Tahiti! Rio de Janeiro! These are some of the exciting
destinations Americans aren’t visiting anymore, because we’re all
broke. Forget jet-setting to exotic locales around the globe –
nowadays, we’re lucky if we can keep the tank full all the way to the
nearest Six Flags. With a sigh of resignation, Americans across America
are throwing up their hands and seeking out the delights to be found
closer to home, from Pascagoula to Parsippany. And then we’re mostly
staying in our motel rooms. At least they have cable.

What
better accessories for a mediocre vacation than this 6-piece set of
mediocre luggage? Not only will this tote, garment bag, toiletry kit,
and three upright suitcases provide perfectly adequate storage ‘n’
portage, you also won’t really have to worry that one of your fellow
Greyhound passengers will steal them.

When you’re trudging
to some nondescript state park, or some quaint little town with a bunch
of antique shops and nothing else, top-grade luggage would only remind
you of the sights you could be seeing if the economy wasn’t comatose.
You’ll have a lot more fun if you just let go and accept your severely
downgraded travel plans. Well, maybe “fun” is too strong a word. But
you get our point. Don’t just act out a dismal parody of a vacation –
live it for real with this Beverly Hills Polo Club luggage set.

Whoa, look! That Applebee’s has a totally different color scheme than the Applebee’s back home!

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited
Warranty

Features:

• 6 piece luggage set comes with 21”, 24”, and 27” upright suit case with tote, garment bag, and toiletry kit
• Lightweight aerospace technology
• High denier polyester fabric
• Recessed inline skate wheels
• Quick access zipper pockets
• Push-button locking handle system
• Industrial grade branded
• Beverly Hills Polo Club hardware

In the box:

• 21” Upright
• 24” Upright
• 27” Expandable Upright
• 15” Tote
• Garment Bag
• Toiletry Kit

Over the past 6 months I have met with and discussed
philosophy with their co-founder and chief operating officer, who I’m
pleased to report is now a Wooter. We see eye to eye on many issues and
worked out some details involving consumer experience. He readily
supported our requests for a light implementation. He and his team will
work with us to get reports on warranty operations and, in advance of
Woot events, warranty authorization.

How “lite” is our implementation? Well, the reality is that some Wooters already use
SquareTrade to extend their Woot and Manufacturer warranties on their
own. All we’re doing in Stage 1 of our integration is creating this
feedback thread for Wooters to discuss and adding a link on our write
up. You’ll see on the front page of woot when an item is authorized for
SquareTrade extended warranty and you can head over there and consider
the option at your leisure. Stage 2 we’ll add an opt-in request for
info on certain items at checkout. That’s it. One of the best features
is you have up to 30 days from date of sale to purchase a SquareTrade
warranty, so you don’t have to decide at time of Woot purchase (the
SquareTrade opt-in reminder can come in handy there to catch the 30 day
mark).

While this style of “extended warranty lite” should have
very few downsides, it remains valid to gather Woot member input now
and in the future. I would like to designate this thread for sharing of
research and experience with regards to SquareTrade. Of course keep in
mind that no warranty company is without it’s detractors—extended
warranties are crafted to suit the needs of insurance
companies, so it’s not like they’re some gift to the world. There
exists and will continue to exist points of reported drama and
contention and your decision should consider them.

I would
have liked to dive in and explain details and highlights from
SquareTrade such as excluded items, coverage details, pricing, etc. but
for now I’m going to have to rely on Wooter comments here and what
SquareTrade has published. Woot will work with SquareTrade to authorize
various items that we highlight warranty availability on and may offer commentary per item. I’ll follow
up on any specific questions here in the thread.

Plenio, you don’t have to put on the red light. And by “red light”,
we’re talking about your cute but superfluous audio-playing capability.

You’re a smart, modest, no-frills GPS unit. You’ve got a big 7” TFT LCD screen that can also be used by portable DVD players and gaming devices on long car trips. So what business do you have trying to play MP3s? Why tart yourself up like that?

For
one thing, it’s not impressing anybody. Audio players with little-to-no
internal memory, dependent on SD cards for music storage, went out back
when Joe Lieberman was still considered a viable Democratic
presidential candidate. Oh, wait, that was never. But you get our point.

For another, it’s not necessary. By this time, the public has been deluged with so many cheapo MP3 players that anybody who doesn’t have one is either deaf, flat broke, or an AARP member. You’re not going to entice those demographics by cramming an audio player into this otherwise adequate GPS unit.

And,
well, that FM transmitter…it degrades us both. Such transparent
pandering. Such desperation. Please, if you’re not going to respect us,
at least respect yourself.

There’s so much about you to
like. Turn-by-turn voice guidance, the TeleAtlas maps of North America
on the included 2GB SD card, those auxiliary video inputs. We don’t
even care that you don’t have any batteries – it’s not like we’re doing
anything else with that cigarette lighter jack.

We know our
minds are made up. So put away your makeup. Told you once, we won’t
tell you again: it’s a bad player. And we don’t need another crappy MP3 player. We need a cheap, mid-level GPS unit. And they don’t come any more mid-level than the Plenio VXA-3000.

Warranty: 1 Year Plenio

Features:

• 7” Touch screen display with integrated SiRFstarr III GPS module
• Provides point-to-point vehicle navigation with local street level maps, turn-by-turn voice guidance
• Contains TeleAtlas maps of North America including Canada Peutro Rico and Hawaii, on a 2GB SD card that is powered by Smart2Go
• Audio player plays back MP3, WMA, WAV, and OGG music files
• Built in FM transmitter, transmit audio to your car stereo on channels 88.1, 88.3, 88.5, or 88.7
• Plays back video files, and displays GIF, JPEG, and BMP image files
• Comes with Cutycuty a jewel swap puzzle game
• Auxiliary functions to display external A/V sources such as DVD players or gaming devices
• Comes with hand brake connection cable, so you can only display video when the hand brake is engaged

Specifications:

• OS: MS Windows CE.NET 4.2
• CPU: ARM9 Core
• RAM: 64 MB
• Flash: 64 MB
• Display: 7” TFT LCD (Touch Screen)
• Audio: Internal Speaker (1W), Lineout, Wireless FM Transmitter
• GPS Module: SiRFstar III GPS engine, internal type
• GPS First start sensitivity: -135dBm
• GPS Restart sensitivity: -153dBm
• GPS Sensitivity in motion: -156dBm
• Input Power: 12V, 1A
• Size: 190mm x 125mm x 33mm

In the box:

• Plenio VXA-3000 GPS Unit
• Remote Controller
• SD Card Memory
• Aux Cable (AV in terminal)
• Test Jack
• Cigar Jack 12V Power cable
• Stereo Output Cable
• Hand Brake Connection Cable
• Suction Cup Mount
• DVD-ROM

We don’t know about you, but we get psyched up for the weekend by bathing our egos in the replenishing goo of flattery. In other words, we scour the web for blog comments, news articles, and tweets about Woot. Here’s what we’re navelgazing this week:

• The big news was Inc. Magazine naming us the fastest-growing retailer in their annual Inc. 5000. We’re also the 25th fastest-growing private company overall, and the fastest-growing in North Texas. If you want to know how we feel about it, we blathered on at great length on our blog.
• Some other folks took note, too: the Dallas Observer wondered if we had any job openings, while the hometown daily, the Dallas Morning News, warned/teased “Check back soon for an inside look at how Woot works”.
• Further afield we find a thoughtful vote of blogger confidence and a nod to our “very aggressive pricing”. Thanks, dudes/dudettes - we’re pretty jazzed about the whole bidness ourselves.
• An enterprising eBayer seeks to repeat our success with the Woot to a Million project. “My goal is to buy stuff online and resell it until I’ve got a balance of $1,000,000…I’ll stop when I hit $0.00 or $1,000,000 and nowhere in between.” He’s up to about $280 so far.
• After shirt blogger Militant Geek expressed his frustration with the fast pace of daily shirt sites, he explained a little further in a blog post and hilarious cartoon.
• A Shirt.Woot tee convinces a skeptical blogger that “American Apparel makes a damn fine t-shirt”.
• A fellow St. Louisan in bad sunglasses bothered to tweet about how he’s “not impressed” with us. Thanks for sharing!
• A blogger wonders how we print our shirts, and unearths a 2007 interview with Shirt.Woot poobah Joel Lewis that explains just that.
• Fittingly for this week when so many world records have been shattered, our Bacon Salt sales record was broken by QVC. It was a hell of a ride, though.

Thanks to errbody who gave us some column inches - even you, Alan. If you’ve spotted us somewhere in the new media, the old media, the mass media, the underground media, or the otitis media, let us know below.

1. 200,000 pizzas sent to “Chinese Taipei”
2. Ceremonial lighting of the Tibetan monk
3. Entire crowd replaced by more photogenic stand-ins
4. New technology allows the “completely live” fireworks display to run backward
5. Everyone looks under their seat to find a gift bag containing a DVD copy of Watchmen, one of those cans of Coke in a different language, and a female child
6. Numerous mistakes by Chinese dancers (but no points deducted by judges)
7. Bela Karolyi given Andy Rooney’s old spot on 60 Minutes
8. One more silver medal awarded to Shawn Johnson, just to rub it in
9. Olympic hostesses return to their docking stations and power down
10. Everyone leaves satisfied but then somehow want another Olympics about fifteen minutes later

We’ve been getting a lot of requests, demands, and complaints from Woot users who think they should be Woot Charter Members. Seems there’s a lot of confusion about who’s in and who’s out. Here’s the rule:

The first 5,000 members to buy from Woot were named Charter Members.

So a member number less than 5000 doesn’t necessarily make you a charter member.  You had to be one of the first 5,000 to buy something from us, not one of the first 5,000 to show up. We’re working on defining a more specific cut-off line, which we’ll post in this space a little later today. Sorry for the confuzzlement, y’all.

President James K. Polk was the eleventh president of the United
States of America. Historians consistently rank him among the top ten
and he gave us Oregon, Idaho, and Washington State. So we better see
you guys lit up today as we sell the Polk Audio RM30 On-wall Satellite Speaker with Stand. And you too, Tennessee, he’s your fella.

These
RM30s have Power Port Bass Vents hidden under the grills, which will
provide you a relentless lower-midrange that just won’t quit, just like
President Polk didn’t quit during the annexation of Texas and the
following war with Mexico. And it’s a little known fact that Polk was
magnetically shielded for safe placement near televisions or monitors.

Polk was also a believer in Manifest Destiny. That’s why the Polk Audio RM30 On-wall
Satellite Speaker with Stand has a broad dispersion design that makes
sure the sound goes everywhere and remains as clear and well-balanced
as a Iowa schoolteacher. Also we’ve noticed that people from Iowa tend
to get very excited whenever someone remembers to mention them so we’ll
go ahead and do that here. Hi, Iowa! You guys rock!

Something
else you might not know: President James K. Polk chose as his
Postmaster General a man named Cave Johnson. Wouldn’t you like to be
named Cave? Wouldn’t you also like Swivel Wall-Mounting brackets with
Hidden Wire Channels? Or Five Way Binding Post Inputs?

James Polk accomplished an incredible amount in only one single term, dying less than a year out of office. The Polk Audio RM30 On-wall
Satellite Speaker with Stand comes with a five year Polk Audio warranty
so you don’t have to worry about that. You can just sit back, relax,
and enjoy the sounds of the upcoming election. Fifty Four Forty Or
Fight!

Warranty: 5 Year Polk Audio

Features:

• Power Port Bass Vents hidden under the grilles to extend and strengthen their lower-midrange performance
• Stylishly curved enclosures formed of heavy duty, non-resonant Aluminum
• Custom designed desk or shelf stands included
• Dual 4-1/2 inch (11.4cm) Mineral Filled Polymer Dynamic Balance midrange drivers
• Broad dispersion design allows everyone in the listening area to hear clear, well-balanced sound
• High performance 1 inch (25mm) Dynamic Balance Silk/Polymer Composite Dome Tweeter
• Connect your RM30s securely and conveniently with their high quality 5-way binding post inputs
• Magnetically shielded for safe placement near your state-of-the-art 65″ LCD TV or video monitor with no risk of video distortion
• Swivel Wall-Mounting Brackets with hidden wire channels

Specifications:

In the box:

• Polk Audio RM30 Satellite Speaker
• Stand
• Users Manual

Every year, the dollar-watchers at Inc. Magazine compile their Inc. 5000
list of the fastest-growing private companies in America. Who are those
handsome devils perched at #25? Why, it’s your friendly neighborhood Woot.

What’s more, Carrollton’s pride and shame was ranked the fastest-growing private company in the Dallas area. And, maybe most mindblowingly, we are evidently the fastest-growing retailer in the entire Inc. 5000. The Inc. people thought enough of us to devote a couple of pages to an interview with our CEO
and Dear Leader, Matt Rutledge, complete with a portrait of Matt
relaxing with one of his robot pals. (See it on newsstands this Friday,
or bear with us as we sort out a link to an online version, coming
soon.)

These rankings are based on percentage revenue growth
over the last three years, so this is the first time we’ve been old
enough to qualify – not a bad little coming-out party for a company
just out of diapers. And our first-year revenues were higher than many
companies in the top 25, so we’re extra-double proud of the
“fastest-growing” tag, since we weren’t starting from zero.

When
we finished admiring ourselves, we remembered what brought us to this
lofty echelon: you guys. Without your enthusiasm, your word-of-mouth
evangelism, and of course your money, all we’d have is a warehouse full
of junk and a couple of frustrated writers who think they’re funny. So
thanks to Inc. Magazine for the honors, but thanks to all wooters for
making those honors possible.

And if you haven’t been keeping up with Woot lately, here’s what we’ve been yammering about:

• Our charter member reunion
  brought together hundreds of the earliest wooters for fun and coupon
  codes. If you were one of our first 5,000 members, come get yours.
• Our writers crafted a huge multi-part space detective fantasy Western romance story for our first-ever “Sell-Off” (that’s what we call a Woot-Off on Sellout.Woot).
• At the recent Gen Con gaming convention, Shirt.Woot tees were de rigeur. Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed geek.
• Speaking of Shirt.Woot, every Monday we eliminate our seven lowest-selling shirts in an event we call the Day of Reckoning. If you see a shirt you like, don’t delay or you might miss it.
• And every weekend, Shirt.Woot sells the most popular user-submitted designs from our weekly Derby competition. Put together something awesome and the next shirt could be yours.
• Extended Warranties – what’s your take? saw our CEO struggling with whether to offer these controversial warranties, despite his initial prejudices.

Got
any ideas about how we can keep on growing? Have memories to share of
our meteoric rise to galactic supremacy? Just want to tell us how
wonderful (or not) we are? Fire away.

And now, please welcome the next celebrity pal in our all-star roast tribute to the HP Pavilion S3320F, a guy so funny you want to break his kneecaps…the great Mr. Ron Dickles!

Thanks for that, thanks. Real heartwarming, you know? I’ve had better introductions in court!

But enough about the talent. We’re here to talk about the HP Pavilion Slimline S3320F,
the only computer to buy if there’s nothing better in the trunk of the
guy’s car. But doesn’t he look great, folks? Thin, slender, fits right
in everywhere. I ran into him in the bathroom earlier tonight, I says
“Hey, tell me a secret: how do you keep so thin at your age?” ‘Course,
I couldn’t really tell what he was saying with his fingers down his
throat!

He’s a real inspiration, isn’t he? This computer is
living proof that you can be born with all the advantages – a leading
brand-name, a 500GB hard drive, a 16X DVD±R/RW lightscribe drive, a built-in HDTV tuner – and still wind up on the remainder pile! A real riches-to-rags story, this guy, huh?

The college kids, though, they love the HP Pavilion S3320F. There’s something about the built-in TV tuners that drives them wild, especially when you pair it with a nice LCD monitor.
Then they get a little older, stop smoking dope, and realize they need
a real computer! But it’s fun while it lasts – like a high colonic!
Only more expensive!

But here’s what I don’t get: he’s got a
64-bit Athlon processor but runs the 32-bit version of Vista. Somebody
wanna tell me, what kind of sense does that make? Who installed your
OS, Stevie Wonder?

Now, I don’t want to call the HP Pavilion Slimline S3320F
cheap. But mine is still sticky from the Cracker Jacks! It’s those
Chinese-made parts that keep the price down, you know. Only problem is,
you want to buy another Slimline S3320F an hour later! And hey, you believe those 6 USB ports? What do you need 6 USB ports for? I haven’t seen so many unused holes since the Slimline S3320F’s last round of golf!

In
all seriousness, folks, I know you share my dream, that someday there
will be an affordable, feature-rich, high-quality PC in every home in
America. In the meantime, we’ll just have to make do with the HP Pavilion Slimline S3320F! Thank you! Good night!

Warranty: 1 Year HP

Features:

• AMD Athlon 64 X2 5200+ 2.6GHz (65W) Dual Core processor with 2000MT/s (mega transfers/second) and socket AM2
• ATSC and NTSC built in HDTV tuner with FM tuner
• 2GB PC2-5300 MB/sec 240 pin, DDR2 SDRAM installed, upgradeable to 4GB (2 memory slots)
• 500GB SATA 3G (3.0 Gb/sec) 7200 rpm hard drive
• 16X DVD± R/RW 12X RAM ±R DL LightScribe SATA optical drive
• Wireless LAN 802.11 b/g with integrated 10/100 Base-T networking interface
• TV tuner card with GeForce 6150SE nForce 430 chipset
• 6 USB 2.0 ports (2 front, 4 rear)
• Windows Vista Home Premium with Windows Media Center (32-bit)

Specifications:

The annual GenCon gaming convention is one of the biggest gatherings of geekly types in the world. So it probably won’t suprise you that it’s also one of the highest concentrations of Shirt.Woot tees outside of our warehouse. Two of our number, Dave and Luke, go every year - but this year, along with the capes and the chainmail, an elite few among the GenCon mob were lookin’ sharp in their Shirt.Woot finery…

Unlike previous years, there were no reported zombie fatalities at GenCon 2008. We like to think we had a hand in that…

Another non-surprise: the only two Woot shirts Dave saw on multiple people involved zombies and dragons.

Speaking of, this tiny little dragon has nothing to do with Shirt.Woot, except that we exude a similar sense of awesomeness. No, that’s not smoke around the mouth - it’s spit-up.

Dave’s pretty sure this is one of the guys who said they packed nothing but Woot shirts for the convention. We recommend this wardrobe plan for everyone.

According to the latest exchange rates, a Woot shirt is worth 97.32 words. We’ll let these fashion-forward glamour shots speak for themselves.

What, you don’t remember when we sold that Settlers of Catan superhero costume, complete with accessory sheep and headband? Neither do we.

Thanks to everybody who let us take their picture and post it here. We’re sure there must’ve been more devastatingly chic Woot tees on display at GenCon, but there were only two of us and like fifty million of you, so we couldn’t catch them all. If you were there, and you happened to see any, and you took pictures of them, you must be some kind of weirdo. But we’d still love to see your pics.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer
our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The
news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have
to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

SYDNEY, Australia (AP)—Australian media say a lost humpback whale calf has bonded with a yacht it seems to think is its mother.

Church leaders pointed out that this was the sort of thing they warned would happen if gay marriage was legalized.

POSTVILLE, Iowa (AP)—Three months after
the nation’s largest immigration raid, chickens and beef carcasses are
again moving down the line at Agriprocessors’ sprawling kosher
meatpacking plant, but managers acknowledge that business still isn’t
back to normal.

Mostly because carcasses aren’t supposed to be moving.

VICTORIA,
Australia (UPI)—Australian-led scientists say they’ve replicated a key
photosynthesis process that may lead to using sunlight to split water
into hydrogen and oxygen.

Technology fans look forward to this new, exciting, cutting edge alternative to leaving the faucet on all day.

NEW YORK (AP)—Eight scrolls of Hebrew Scriptures valued at around $500,000 have been stolen from a synagogue in New York.

Police are preparing thousands of tiny frog-sized handcuffs and are urging all first born males to stay indoors.

BRUSSELS, Belgium (AP)—NATO allies say they cannot have normal relations with Russia as long as Moscow has troops in Georgia.

Russia replied that it didn’t care what NATO saw on the Internet, it wasn’t doing that perverted thing and if NATO didn’t want normal relations it could just do without.

COLUMBUS,
Ohio (UPI)—U.S. scientists say they’ve used a spice-based compound as a
starting point to develop synthetic molecules able to kill cancer cells.

Scientists
from Britain have pledged their full support to this study and are
looking forward to grinding Victoria Beckham into powder for the
compound.

SAN DIEGO (UPI)—A rare beetle is attacking oak trees in Southern California’s Cleveland National Forest, the U.S. Forest Service said.

In
an act of desperation, the Forest Service has asked that Mark Chapman
be set loose in the forest and given unlimited access to the works of
J.D. Salinger.

From the secret diaries of King Harald V:

July 29:
Heavenly Lord, why was I sent such a beastly son? Prince Sjcåostøtn
refuses to listen to reason about his ridiculous proposal of marriage.
No matter how Her Majesty and I plead with him to come to his senses,
he insists: “It is my divine right as heir to the throne of Norway to
marry who I like. You yourself married a commoner – is a penguin really
so different, father?” This crisis is shaping up to be even worse than
his nude visit to the Wailing Wall.

August 2: While
Prince Sjcåostøtn is off to the fleshpots of Pittsburgh, I’ve taken a
different tack to stopping this disgraceful courtship: approaching the
penguin girl’s father, Nils Olav, to ascertain what influence he may
exert over his daughter. King penguins are said to be rather protective
of their offspring, so I am hopeful that he, too, will see the folly in
this abominable coupling.

August 6: Received Nils
Olav in the royal court. I found him quite agreeable, and willing to
help – for a price. He’s demanding a military commission with the
King’s Guards, and a rather large sum of kroner. But the reputation of
the crown must be defended, at any cost. Such are the burdens of
leadership.

August 8: Sjcåostøtn due back from
Pittsburgh tomorrow. Nils Olav making more demands. Now wants a Sandisk
Sansa e260 4GB Media Player for all 1,200 penguins in his colony – his
“subjects”, he calls them. I tried to point out that the controls,
earbuds, and 1.8” TFT screen are entirely
unsuited to the penguin physique. He just laughed – chattered, really –
and repeated his demand. He hinted darkly that he may approach the
press. And the penguin media is ruthless. No libel laws or some such.
Prince Sjcåostøtn, why must you put your dear parents through such
trials?

August 11: A rather distasteful call from
Colonel-in-Chief Nils Olav today. In his honking voice, he demanded a
full knighthood and public ceremony in return for keeping his daughter
away from my son. What choice have I? Oh, to be a lad again, cavorting
in the fjords, spearing whitefish, not a blackmailing penguin in sight.

August 15: Ceremony today. Nils Olav, the scheming blackguard, couldn’t have been more smug
about the whole unappetizing business. I suppose I must call him Sir
Nils now. The entire world must be laughing. How I long to join them.
But at the very least, my son will be saved from utter disgrace. When I
start to imagine what his time with her must be like – but I mustn’t.
The calamity has been averted.

August 18: Scandal!
What do I find in the pages of my morning news-sheet? Prince Sjcåostøtn
and his penguin-friend, photographed leaving an Internet cafe in Ibiza
– in the company of her father! Doubtless they’d been indulging in the
i-dosers that have so ravaged our young people. Sir Nils has betrayed
me! And his hatchling daughter shall soon be heir to the throne! I have
fumbled away the Norwegian crown to a bird who cannot even fly! All is
ruin, ruin!

Hey, if you buy this, you’ll need to download the manual and the SanDisk Media Converter software.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Sleek, thin design with large 1.8” TFT color screen for easy viewing
• Strong alloy metal casing provides excellent durability and scratch resistance
• Simple to use, backlit controls for fast device interface navigation
• User replaceable and rechargeable Lithium Ion battery for up to 20 hours of battery life
• Features microSD™ expansion slot for additional memory capacity
• Supports SanDisk TrustedFlash and Gruvi content cards
• Digital FM tuner, on-the-fly FM recording, and voice recording
• Supports Subscription Music Stores

Specifications:

• Memory capacity: 4GB
• Memory type: Flash memory
• External memory: MicroSD card slot
• Audio file format: MP3, WMA, WMA-DRM10 (PlaysForSure), WAV
• Hours of music content: 64 hours
• Still image file format: JPEG, TIFF, PNG, BMP, GIF
• Video format: AVI, MPEG-1/MPEG-2 in MPEG, MPG, MPE/VOB (unprotected), MPEG-4 in AVI format, DAT, ASF, QuickTime MOV (QuickTime 6.5 or higher required), WMV (Windows Media Player 9 or 10.0 required)
• Tuner type: Digital FM tuner
• Tuner memory: 20
• Display: 1.8-inch TFT color LCD display
• Power supply: Rechargeable lithium ion battery, user replaceable (included), USB charging
• Battery life: Up to 20 hours
• Connectors: Headdphone jack, USB 2.0 port
• Microphone: Built-in microphone
• FM recording: Supported
• Voice recording: Supported
• Microsoft PlaysFor Sure: Supported
• Dimension: 3.5×1.74×0.56 inches (WxHxD)
• Weight: 2.7 ounces

System Requirements:

• Windows XP
• Windows Media Player 10+
• Intel Pentium class PC or higher
• USB 2.0 port required for hi-speed transfer

In the Box:

• Sandisk Sansa e260 4GB Media Player
• USB cable
• Earbuds

There is infinitely more variety to human visual expression than you’ll ever see in a museum. Here’s what we’d exhibit at the Woot Gallery, if such a wondrous place existed…

• It takes a lot of pebbles, loops, puffs, and rings to make a really good piece of Larry King Cereal Art.
• Why stop at costumes? True geeks dress their cars up, too. My favorite is the Jawa Sandcrawler, which our own Andrew has seen in person.
• Now this is one hot custom-painted guitar. Vincent Price would be flattered.
• You could make a copy of the body with the guitar photocopier, but you’d have to paint that design on yourself…if you dare.
• All those old Soviet propaganda painters had to find work somewhere. Hence, these paintings of U.S. presidents playing cards. There’s one each for the Democrats and Republicans, proving that schlock knows no political boundaries.
• I hate to do this to you, but…Naked Clown Calendar. I’m sorry.
• If they had any imagination, the National Guard would call this painting Eskimmandos!
• When they head to the polls in November, the crucial Dairy-American constituency will ask itself one tough question about the presidential candidates: which one looks better sculpted out of butter?

Four O’Clock Flash: usually, the faux-infantile LOLcat/stick-figure aesthetic gets on my nerves. But I Don’t Even Know is funny enough to pull it off. Don’t tell anybody, but it’s also a fairly engaging puzzle game. (Thanks, Kevin!)

And oh, how they laughed! The two-pack of Philips SHE2617 In-Ear
Headphones ran gayly through the fields of their childhood, positively
bubbling with joy! Bluery rode Bluepin’s back, and then Bluepin rode
Sam. Yet Sam never once strayed too far from the side of his master,
Bluedo. For there was still a great darkness about Bluedo, as though
his Neodymium magnets had ceased to function and his Flexi-Grip was
failing to make a strong, flexible connection. So it cheered Sam to no
end to see Bluedo with a smile upon his face, and his 15mm speaker
driver providing optimized comfort.

And why not? For the
four friends were together once more, two pairs, each side by side with
the life-partner with whom they most adored. Was it not Bludeo and Sam
who chose the path to Mount Flamer when no one else dared? Was it not
Bluery and Bluepin who ran off to the big city and became friends with
an hundred year old tree-man who paid their rent? And now, at last,
they were together again, just like they had been when they were
younger, like that day they ran naked on the lawn of a complete
stranger who lived in the middle of the woods without a care in the
world. The stories they told, the secrets they shared, oh, it was like
magic!

At sunset, the Philips SHE2617 In-Ear
Headphones sat on the old stone wall and looked at the rainbow, their
twin vents balancing the high sounds with the bass tones. They knew
that whatever came next, be it iPod, Sansa or iPhone, it was something
that two pack of Philips SHE2617 In-Ear Headphones would find a way to gayly overcome, just like they gayly overcame the day they were surprised by that bear!

But
memories were best shared around a fire, and it was growing dark. So
they skipped down the hill, hand in hand, Bluery and Bluepin, Bluedo
and Sam, Philips SHE2617 In-Ear Headphones
two packs all, off to a single room at the inn and a good night’s rest,
and, with luck, they would awaken feeling twice as gay, and be ready
for their next big, manly adventure.

Warranty: 1 Year Philips

Features:

• In-ear headphones with a balanced, and natural sound
• Neodymium magnet enhances bass performance and sensitivity
• Twin vents balance the high sounds and bass tones
• 15mm speaker driver optimizes wearing comfort
• Ear cushions improve wearing comfort and bass response
• Durable Flexi-Grip makes a strong flexible connection
• Works great with iPod, Sansa, or iPhone 3G

Specifications:

• Acoustic system: Open
• Magnet type: Neodymium
• Voice coil: Copper
• Diaphragm: Mylar dome
• Frequency response: 12 – 22 000 Hz
• Impedance: 16 Ohm
• Maximum power input: 50 mW
• Sensitivity: 106 dB
• Speaker diameter: 15 mm
• Type: Dynamic
• Cable Connection: Two-parallel, symmetric
• Cable length: 1.0 m
• Connector: 3.5 mm stereo
• Finishing of connector: Chrome plated
• Type of cable: Copper

In the box:

• 2 Sets of Philips SHE2617 In-Ear Headphones

Remember how I told you I moved last month? We took our daughters to get ice cream twice yesterday. The first time, in our old neighborhood, was at an Italian-style gelato place, populated by yuppies and hipsters. The second, in the new one, was at a Lutheran church social, populated by senior citizens and post-senior citizens. That’s the difference between my old neighborhood and my new one. And we had a good time at both places. Am I old yet?

• Dumbest article of the year: INTERNET DRUG SHOCKER TERRIFIES PARANOID PARENTS!!! If I’d thought up that “i-doser” scam, I’d probably be at my beach house right now, roasting sauteed truffles over a fire of $100 bills.
• Now that Sean Penn has mellowed, the worst part of being a big-deal photographer is all the gear you have to haul.
• If you sing in a band, you probably fit one of these 10 Common Frontman Styles. I’m a Chatterbox if I’m in a good mood, a Stoic if not.
• You’ve never seen LOLCats like DeepLOL before, an eminently zoomable collage of every netizen’s (least?) favorite meme. (Thanks, Shawn!)
• Collected in one place for the first time, a monumental publishing event: Snoopy’s novel.
• Comedy troupe Summer of Tears inserts themselves into Teen Wolf, with hilarious (and more realistic) results. Those crazy kids with the Internet, God love ‘em. (Some NSFW language and “adult situations”.)
• Computers can make you prettier.

Four O’Clock Flash: wouldn’t the world be a happier place if wars were fought by tanks made of bubbles? If Bubble Tanks 2 is any indication, it would at least be a more fun place.

We see a bright future for our Shirt.Woot designs. Conquering the world of apparel is one thing…but why stop there? Why not move from adorning chests to adorning the silver screen? Your preposterous challenge this week:

Show us a poster for, or scene from, a film adaptation of a Shirt.Woot shirt of your choosing.

Follow the link for more Shirt.Woot designs than anyone can handle without becoming nauseous and disoriented. It can be a straight-up cinematic retelling of the scene on the shirt, a look at the backstory behind the shirt, or a film “inspired by” the design. But let us know what shirt you’re riffing on, preferably with a link to the original. We’re only talking about shirts that were actually produced and sold by Shirt.Woot, so unproduced Derby entries don’t count. No, not even Honorable Mentions.

Post your entry here by 11:59 AM CST on Monday, August 25, 2008.
Prizes are $20/$50/$100 for 3rd/2nd/1st. The rules and criteria for
winning: our panel of volunteer judges can and will make stuff up as it
goes along. Use Photoshop, linoleum blocks, pastels, MSPaint, cave
painting, tattoos, tribal scarification, whatever, but it’ll only be
judged if it’s visible in our forums as a jpg, gif, or png. As we are
fond of saying, try to keep your maximum width to 450px. If you need a
place to host your pictures, try www.imageshack.ws or www.photobucket.com.
We have no connection to either, but they seem free and easy to use.
And if you want us to be sure your entry was indeed your work, post
links to your source images. The more sure we are that you did your own
work, the more likely we are to consider it for a prize.

Last week we asked you to show us a past or current Woot product modified to make it easier to deal with on moving day. Why didn’t you answer the phone the other day when we were moving? Huh? What, you have caller ID or something? We just wanted to borrow your tape gun, sheesh. It’s not like we wanted you to come over with your truck or nuthin’.

First Place - $100

beatfarmer - Bacon Bits

Finally, a yappy dog with something useful to do.

Second Place - $50

rascal514 - Collapsible Elvis

Will mini-Elvis also help you pack your Wowwee Robosapien, Roboreptile, Roboraptor, and Robopets?

Third Place - $20

toby8915 - Micro Movers

Perfect if you pack 3 cotton balls per box!

Honorable Mentions

ActorTom - Leapin’ Leakfrog

Little Leapin’ Leakfrogs leapfrog loudly like loyal labradors.

wasabi32746 - Portable Bag of Crap

Is this for here or to go? You want a surprise with that?

cicada - Flying Hand Massagers

Wow, how many of these does one household need?

wildwolf11 - Self-Sucking Dyson Vac

One-time use only. Never use while sleeping. May irritate eyes. Do not use for drying pets.

skelator818 - Roomba Hitch

Your trailer and all your precious belongings better hope for a full charge.

fyrefall - Bottle Rocket ‘Hand’ Massager

For one week a year, can be purchased in the adult section of your local fireworks tent.

Monkey Prize

rawknmxpx - SmartPost on Duty

Why doesn’t Elvis hop out and fix that truck? So lazy.

Money winners, please email your Paypal info to jtoon@woot.com. Monkey Prize winner, please email your shipping address to jtoon@woot.com. Honorable Mentioneers may use coupon code HONMEN-FS for free shipping on a future order. Until next time remember: the next time you need to move, you are welcome to borrow any of the above-mentioned products to ease your transition to the new house. So sorry, but we have plans.!

Nothing bums us out like vacuuming. Maybe it reminds us that we can
never really win the battle against the crud and filth besieging our
lives. Or maybe it forces us to face the dismal fact that our remaining
decades on this planet will be more and more filled with the tedium of
daily maintenance, just to keep our homes (and bodies) from falling
into decrepitude. Perhaps it’s because our parents choked to death on a
vacuum cleaner they were eating to amuse the guests at our fifth
birthday party. And handheld vacs are even worse – they don’t even
provide the macho thrill of pushing a big, heavy, snarling piece of
hardware around the room.

But the Dyson DC16 Root
6 Handheld Vacuum banishes our gloom the same way it banishes our Frito
leavings: with extreme prejudice and a minimum of hassle. See, it uses
the same root cyclone technology as in Dyson’s upright vacs. So when we
unholster this cordless assassin – yes, we built a holster for ours –
we’re not just holding a mini-vacuum in our hands. We’re holding a
cyclone! Like mighty Zeus, we dispatch the very power of nature itself
to scourge our heathen enemy! “Tremble before us, crumbs and dust and
little bits of fuzz!” we bellow, sweat glistening angrily on our chest
hair. “Behold your unmaker! You cannot but yield to our power! And we
shall delight in your destruction, and a thousand plagues shall rain
upon thee -”

Of course, this is always right when our wife
gets home. But we’re not embarrassed. She knew what she was getting
into when she married us. And at least we’re getting the vacuuming done.

Warranty: 6 Month Dyson

Features:

• 36 airwatts (constant)
• Root Cyclone Technology – Uses cyclonic separation to remove dirt from the air with out using a filter
• Cordless operation – 21.6 volts in a lithium ion battery, allows you to clean nearly anywhere
• Lightweight and ergonomic – Weights 3.26 lbs with balanced weight distribution for easy handling
• Easy Empty Bin – Button controlled system allows for a clean and hygienic way to discard dust and dirt it traps
• Clean exhaust air – Air that is expelled from the DC16 Root 6 is much cleaner than the air you breath
• Combination accessory tool – The nozzle converts to a brush for dusting
• Dimensions: 8.9×18.3×4.3 inches (HxWxD)
• Weight: