How About A Little Bass Response, Scarecrow?

Come closer, my pretty! Let me get a better look at those delightful little ears!

Eee hee hee! What a nice surprise, a pretty girl like you coming to visit me in my lonely castle! Wouldn’t you like to listen to these Wicked Earbuds? They come with three different sizes of cushions for the best possible fit and sound. Attractive to the eye, soothing to the ear… Here, feel the nylon mesh coated cord… that’s right…

I’ve got you! You’re trapped! Eee hee hee! Now I’ll finish you, you accursed brat! Now you’ll pay for killing my sister! Now you’ll sleep! Sleep! Sleeeeeep! And your mangy little-

Hey, that’s rude. I find the term “witch” very offensive and demeaning to my spirituality. We’re called Wiccans. What? What are you laughing about? It’s a legitimate religion!

Warranty: Lifetime Empire Brands

Features:

• Compatible with all MP3 players including iPod, iPhone, and Sansa players
• Features a tangle free nylon mesh encased cord
• Cord length: 1.2 meters
• Gold Plated 3.5mm plug
• Frequency response: 20-20,000 Hz
• Driver size: 5.8 mm
• Impedance: 16 ohm
• Three sizes of earbud cushions included for a customized fit
• Small cushions provide maximum comfort for hour after hour of listening pleasure
• Medium cushions provide the perfect blend of good comfort and noise isolation
• Large cushions provide the maximum noise isolation for uninterrupted music

In the box:

• Empire Brands WI-2300 Wicked Little Earbuds
• Small Cushions (2)
• Medium Cushions (2)
• Large Cushions (2)

MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE EMPLOYEE LOUNGE, Mortimer’s got something important to say to his plush primate pal Monte. But every time he’s tried to tell him, the words just came out wrong. This time, he’s come prepared with musical accompaniment. It’s open mic night in the break room.

Hey, if this is the sort of thing you enjoy (it’s possible; there’s no accounting for taste), consider subscribing to our YouTube channel. We dump another movie onto the pile every so often, and subscribers are first to know. Think how much of your workday you’ll waste watching our videos, happy as a dog rolling in excrement! It’ll be great.

We’d love to have a drink with all of our Twitter followers after work, but we still haven’t found a bar big enough for 1.6 million people. So we’re showing the love the only way we know how: by selling even more cheap stuff. Introducing Woot Happy Hour. Every so often, after a particularly rough day on the job, we’ll whisk you away at 4 p.m. Central to a mini-Woot-Off that will last exactly one hour before it turns into a virtual pumpkin. But when, exactly?

There’s only one way to find out: follow @woot on Twitter. We’ll be announcing Happy Hour there and only there. Yes, we’ve finally discovered a compelling reason to join Twitter. Turn up your nose at your peril. While you’re sitting in splendid isolation on Superiority Island, the more pragmatic of your fellow wooters will be feasting on deals the likes of which you can scarcely imagine.

(Unless, of course, you can imagine a condensed Woot-Off without the Woot-Off killers.)

To further encourage the Twittification of America, Happy Hour sales will not be accompanied by the usual discussion forums. If you want to shoot your mouth off about a deal, tweet about it using the #woot hashtag. You can dive right into the flow of comments yourself, or wait for our forum moderators to scour these tweets for the best and most insightful. We’ll feature those on the front page of the sale a la our Quality Posts. But shorter. And faster. And with an extra helping of Web 2.0.

Woot Happy Hour is better than your regular old happy hour in one important way: it’s much less likely to lead to an awkward, regrettable make-out session with one of your co-workers. Wait, maybe that means it’s worse than your regular old happy hour.

Whatever the case, we hope to see you following our Twitter feed (@woot, remember?) and getting happy with us once or twice a week. Just do us a favor: if we get a little carried away, take away our car keys and call us a cab.

We’d love to have a drink with all of our Twitter followers after work, but we still haven’t found a bar big enough for 1.6 million people. So we’re showing the love the only way we know how: by selling even more cheap stuff. Introducing Woot Happy Hour. Every so often, after a particularly rough day on the job, we’ll whisk you away at 4 p.m. Central to a mini-Woot-Off that will last exactly one hour before it turns into a virtual pumpkin. But when, exactly?

There’s only one way to find out: follow @woot on Twitter. We’ll be announcing Happy Hour there and only there. Yes, we’ve finally discovered a compelling reason to join Twitter. Turn up your nose at your peril. While you’re sitting in splendid isolation on Superiority Island, the more pragmatic of your fellow wooters will be feasting on deals the likes of which you can scarcely imagine.

(Unless, of course, you can imagine a condensed Woot-Off without the Woot-Off killers.)

To further encourage the Twittification of America, Happy Hour sales will not be accompanied by the usual discussion forums. If you want to shoot your mouth off about a deal, tweet about it using the #woot hashtag. You can dive right into the flow of comments yourself, or wait for our forum moderators to scour these tweets for the best and most insightful. We’ll feature those on the front page of the sale a la our Quality Posts. But shorter. And faster. And with an extra helping of Web 2.0.

Woot Happy Hour is better than your regular old happy hour in one important way: it’s much less likely to lead to an awkward, regrettable make-out session with one of your co-workers. Wait, maybe that means it’s worse than your regular old happy hour.

Whatever the case, we hope to see you following our Twitter feed (@woot, remember?) and getting happy with us once or twice a week. Just do us a favor: if we get a little carried away, take away our car keys and call us a cab.

Sure, you’ve got a Facebook with a status bar you can use to update the world on your feelings about current events and your virtual farm. You’ve even got a Twitter account so you can let everyone know you just ran out of Funyuns and your roommate Wayne peed on the seat again. And that comes in handy when you’re not checking in on Foursquare as the rightful-if-begrudging mayor of your local unemployment office. But where do you go to let everyone around you know that you just got lucky?

Why, I Just Made Love, of course!

The “Test her Skills for Free” banner ad is unrelated, but hilarious nonetheless.

I Just Made Love is a site combining two things people can’t get enough of: Google Maps and voyeuristic exhibitionism. You simply enter the location of the dirty deeds done and use the handy icons to indicate your and your partner’s gender (sorry, but I Just Made Love By Myself’s servers crashed tragically just seconds after launch) and where it took place. So far the options are a little sparse: couch, boat, or outside? Is bed that antiquated an option? You can then type a little blurb about how “totally friggin’ sweet, bro” your experience was.

You can also checkmark if it was your first time and whether or not you practiced safe sex. You can even add your email address so you can be updated with any comments you might receive and, presumably, so people can add your email address to their “Do not talk to” list when they see you didn’t check the safe sex box. Forget enjoying a cigarette: the new Hollywood cliche will be rolling over to tap away feverishly on an iPhone.

Of course if you really wanted to get devious, you could do something evil and post a marker in the parking lot of your building with a note thanking a specific co-worker you wanted to embarrass.

We’ll leave all the details like orientation and number of boats included up to you.

Sure, you’ve got a Facebook with a status bar you can use to update the world on your feelings about current events and your virtual farm. You’ve even got a Twitter account so you can let everyone know you just ran out of Funyuns and your roommate Wayne peed on the seat again. And that comes in handy when you’re not checking in on Foursquare as the rightful-if-begrudging mayor of your local unemployment office. But where do you go to let everyone around you know that you just got lucky?

Why, I Just Made Love, of course!

The “Test her Skills for Free” banner ad is unrelated, but hilarious nonetheless.

I Just Made Love is a site combining two things people can’t get enough of: Google Maps and voyeuristic exhibitionism. You simply enter the location of the dirty deeds done and use the handy icons to indicate your and your partner’s gender (sorry, but I Just Made Love By Myself’s servers crashed tragically just seconds after launch) and where it took place. So far the options are a little sparse: couch, boat, or outside? Is bed that antiquated an option? You can then type a little blurb about how “totally friggin’ sweet, bro” your experience was.

You can also checkmark if it was your first time and whether or not you practiced safe sex. You can even add your email address so you can be updated with any comments you might receive and, presumably, so people can add your email address to their “Do not talk to” list when they see you didn’t check the safe sex box. Forget enjoying a cigarette: the new Hollywood cliche will be rolling over to tap away feverishly on an iPhone.

Of course if you really wanted to get devious, you could do something evil and post a marker in the parking lot of your building with a note thanking a specific co-worker you wanted to embarrass.

We’ll leave all the details like orientation and number of boats included up to you.

Geekologie has turned us on to something cool. Something that we feel should have existed a long, long time ago.

That’s right, they’re NES Cartridge Harmonicas. Finally, there’s something classy for when you want to accompany yourself while playing Guitar Hero!

Apparently you can only buy these beauties on eBay and they’re just over twenty bucks, which seems pretty reasonable for such a cool harmonica. But what we’d like to know this: if we took one on stage during some 8 Bit Music Festival, would Pete Seeger get mad and try to plug it in?

Geekologie has turned us on to something cool. Something that we feel should have existed a long, long time ago.

That’s right, they’re NES Cartridge Harmonicas. Finally, there’s something classy for when you want to accompany yourself while playing Guitar Hero!

Apparently you can only buy these beauties on eBay and they’re just over twenty bucks, which seems pretty reasonable for such a cool harmonica. But what we’d like to know this: if we took one on stage during some 8 Bit Music Festival, would Pete Seeger get mad and try to plug it in?

Like any Federal building stuffed full of elected officials, the Utah State Capitol is a place where many, many, many stupid decisions are made. The latest and most spectacular bad decision involved our monkeys, and a balcony, and an echo, and lots and lots of marble. Oh, and there was a video camera too. Take a look…

Assuming that no one got fired for this, we find it incredibly cool that our happy little mascots got to fly in the Utah State Senate. We also like the frog, even though we have no idea where he even came from. Communist infiltrator or third party hero? You be the judge.

Thanks to dogbreath2 for playing the part of Deep Throat and releasing this dark, governmental secret.

Like any Federal building stuffed full of elected officials, the Utah State Capitol is a place where many, many, many stupid decisions are made. The latest and most spectacular bad decision involved our monkeys, and a balcony, and an echo, and lots and lots of marble. Oh, and there was a video camera too. Take a look…

Assuming that no one got fired for this, we find it incredibly cool that our happy little mascots got to fly in the Utah State Senate. We also like the frog, even though we have no idea where he even came from. Communist infiltrator or third party hero? You be the judge.

Thanks to dogbreath2 for playing the part of Deep Throat and releasing this dark, governmental secret.

Daddy, how was I born?

Well, “born” isn’t quite the right word, Clonathon. You were grown from various strands of DNA in a nutrient tank in a secret laboratory far below the Nevada desert.

You were one of among tens of thousands of other clones being created for an army of super soldiers to be loosed upon the world by the Shadow Government in its plans to bring us all under its control. But there was something special about you. Something so special, in fact, that your mother, who isn’t really your “mother”, but the female scientist that was assigned to you, and I decided to hatch a scheme to steal you away from that place and raise you as our very own child. After carefully sabotaging the Shadow Government’s plan and escaping in a truly heroic fashion involving guard dogs, cyborg ninjas, and many, MANY explosions, we found our way to this quaint Midwestern town where we all live in hiding under assumed names to keep under their radar should they ever want revenge.

But even though we no longer work for those villains, we still consider the experiment to be on-going. That’s why we take time every day to record videos of your progress with our Sayno 720p HD Camcorder. You remember when we had you lift that tractor over your head? Well, it was important for our research that we capture that moment in high definition 1280×720 30fps video and H.264/MPEG-4 AVC format. With several white balance, light measuring, and exposure controls, every video we take of your runs through the laser obstacle course in the basement is perfectly lit and rendered for our needs. And not only that, but it came with a fetching travel case, a 1GB SD Card, and 2 Li-ion batteries, so that we never miss a moment, even when you use your psychic powers to steal toaster pastries from the pantry, you little scamp.

Oh, look at the clock. It’s getting close to your bedtime, young man. You know the rules. Let’s get you in your jammies and practice using your setting things on fire with the power of your mind before sleepy ni-ni time.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

$(document).ready(function() {st_widget.create({itemCondition:’New’,itemDescription:’Sanyo Xacti High Definition SDHC Camcorder with 30X Optical Zoom and Bonus Pack’,itemPrice:’139.99′,bannerStyle:’wide’,widgetType:’quote’,merchantID:’subscrip_014793207843′}); });

Warranty: 90 Day Sanyo

Features:

• Captures high definition 1280×720 30fps video in H.264/MPEG-4 AVC format
• Record directly to SD/SDHC memory cards (1GB SD card included, accepts up to 32GB SDHC)
• Dual Camera allows you to shoot video and still shots at the same time, so you are sure to get the exact shot you want
• Features a 30x Optical zoom, 50x digital zoom
• Shoot 2-megapixel still images (effective pixel rate is 1.1 megapixels)
• Digital Image Stabilizer automatically compensates for distracting up-and-down or side-to-side camera movement, keeping your subject steady and easy to follow
• Face Detection recognizes up to 12 faces for videos and still pictures and optimizes focus and aperture settings to ensure all subjects are in focus
• Face chaser detects the subjects face and adjusts the brightness and focus in a way that produces a clear and bright photo
• Enjoy in-camera editing on the large 3″ TFT LCD screen
• Eight scene modes help you get the perfect shot
• Mini HDMI connects to an HDTV for playback
• Continuous/Sequential Shooting ensures you won’t miss a shot or any “can’t-miss” photos
• Sepia, Standard, Monochrome and Cosmetic digital filters change the look of your pictures easily for an artistic touch
• Built-in stereo speaker, microphone and wind noise reduction feature
• Focus system includes 9-point AF plus spot and continuous area AF
• Battery Life (In use) stills: approx 470 images, video: up to 3 hrs and 20 mins; Playback: approx 9.5 hrs

Additional Photos:

• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Red 720p HD Camcorder
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R LCD Extended
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R LCD Extended and Flipped Around
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R On/Off, USB/AV Port, HDMI Port, and SDHC Card Slot
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Rear Controls
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Zoom Control
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Microphone and Flash
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Box
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R with Memory Card Inserted
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Bottom View

Specifications:

• Image sensor: 1/6-inch CMOS sensor
• White balance: Full-auto TTL, manual setting possible
• Red-eye reduction
• Exposure control type: Programmable AE/Shutter speed priority AE/Aperture priority AE/Manual exposure control
• Light-measuring mode: multi-section measuring, center-weighted measuring, spot measuring
• Digital zoom: 1x to approx. 50x (for shooting), 1x to 25x (for playback, varies with resolution)
• Sensitivity: Up to ISO 1600 in still image shooting, up to ISO 800 in video recording
• Flash modes: auto, forced, off
• Self-timer: approx. 2-second delay, 10-second delay
• Multi-language user interface with talking navigation guide
• Unit Dimensions (H x W x D, approximate): 2.25×2.25×4.0-inches

Image format:

• Still images: JPEG (DCF, DPOF, Exif 2.2 compliant)
• Video: Conforms to ISO-standard MPEG-4 AVC/H.264
• Audio: MPEG-4 audio (AAC compression), 48 kHz sampling rate, 16-bit stereo format

Data Storage:

• Internal memory: 43MB
• SD or SDHC Memory Card (accepts up to 32GB SDHC card)
• Record about 2 hours on an 8GB SDHC memory card

Lens:

• Focal length: f = 2.5 mm to 75.0 mm, optical 30x zoom
• Open: F = 1.8 (wide) to 4.3 (tele)

Range:

• Normal mode: 50 cm (19.69 in.) to infinity
• Super macro mode: 1 cm (0.39 in.) to 1 m (3.28 ft) (wide end only)

Shutter speed:

• Still image shooting mode: 1/2 to 1/500 sec.
• Sequential shots mode: 1/15 to 1/500 sec. (no flash)
• Video recording mode: 1/30 to 1/10,000 sec.

Still image resolution:

• 1600×1200 (2 MP)
• 1184×888 (1.1 MP)
• 1280×720 (0.9 MP)
• 640×480 (0.3 MP)

Video resolution:

• 1280×720 (HD mode – 30 fps/9Mbps)
• 640×480 @ 60 fps, 30 fps

I/O Ports:

• HDMI
• USB/AV
• SD/SDHC card slot
• DC in

System Requirements:

• Windows XP SP2, Vista, 7
• CPU: Core 2 Duo 1.8GHz, Pentium 4 3.6GHz, Athlon X2 3600+
• RAM: 512MB
• Video RAM: 128MB

In the box:

• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Red 720p HD Camcorder
• 1GB SD Memory Card
• 2 Li-ion batteries
• Mini HDMI Cable
• Soft Case with Strap
• USB Cable
• AC Adapter
• Grip Belt
• AV Interface Cable
• Lens Cap

Daddy, how was I born?

Well, “born” isn’t quite the right word, Clonathon. You were grown from various strands of DNA in a nutrient tank in a secret laboratory far below the Nevada desert.

You were one of among tens of thousands of other clones being created for an army of super soldiers to be loosed upon the world by the Shadow Government in its plans to bring us all under its control. But there was something special about you. Something so special, in fact, that your mother, who isn’t really your “mother”, but the female scientist that was assigned to you, and I decided to hatch a scheme to steal you away from that place and raise you as our very own child. After carefully sabotaging the Shadow Government’s plan and escaping in a truly heroic fashion involving guard dogs, cyborg ninjas, and many, MANY explosions, we found our way to this quaint Midwestern town where we all live in hiding under assumed names to keep under their radar should they ever want revenge.

But even though we no longer work for those villains, we still consider the experiment to be on-going. That’s why we take time every day to record videos of your progress with our Sayno 720p HD Camcorder. You remember when we had you lift that tractor over your head? Well, it was important for our research that we capture that moment in high definition 1280×720 30fps video and H.264/MPEG-4 AVC format. With several white balance, light measuring, and exposure controls, every video we take of your runs through the laser obstacle course in the basement is perfectly lit and rendered for our needs. And not only that, but it came with a fetching travel case, a 1GB SD Card, and 2 Li-ion batteries, so that we never miss a moment, even when you use your psychic powers to steal toaster pastries from the pantry, you little scamp.

Oh, look at the clock. It’s getting close to your bedtime, young man. You know the rules. Let’s get you in your jammies and practice using your setting things on fire with the power of your mind before sleepy ni-ni time.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

$(document).ready(function() {st_widget.create({itemCondition:’New’,itemDescription:’Sanyo Xacti High Definition SDHC Camcorder with 30X Optical Zoom and Bonus Pack’,itemPrice:’139.99′,bannerStyle:’wide’,widgetType:’quote’,merchantID:’subscrip_014793207843′}); });

Warranty: 90 Day Sanyo

Features:

• Captures high definition 1280×720 30fps video in H.264/MPEG-4 AVC format
• Record directly to SD/SDHC memory cards (1GB SD card included, accepts up to 32GB SDHC)
• Dual Camera allows you to shoot video and still shots at the same time, so you are sure to get the exact shot you want
• Features a 30x Optical zoom, 50x digital zoom
• Shoot 2-megapixel still images (effective pixel rate is 1.1 megapixels)
• Digital Image Stabilizer automatically compensates for distracting up-and-down or side-to-side camera movement, keeping your subject steady and easy to follow
• Face Detection recognizes up to 12 faces for videos and still pictures and optimizes focus and aperture settings to ensure all subjects are in focus
• Face chaser detects the subjects face and adjusts the brightness and focus in a way that produces a clear and bright photo
• Enjoy in-camera editing on the large 3″ TFT LCD screen
• Eight scene modes help you get the perfect shot
• Mini HDMI connects to an HDTV for playback
• Continuous/Sequential Shooting ensures you won’t miss a shot or any “can’t-miss” photos
• Sepia, Standard, Monochrome and Cosmetic digital filters change the look of your pictures easily for an artistic touch
• Built-in stereo speaker, microphone and wind noise reduction feature
• Focus system includes 9-point AF plus spot and continuous area AF
• Battery Life (In use) stills: approx 470 images, video: up to 3 hrs and 20 mins; Playback: approx 9.5 hrs

Additional Photos:

• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Red 720p HD Camcorder
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R LCD Extended
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R LCD Extended and Flipped Around
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R On/Off, USB/AV Port, HDMI Port, and SDHC Card Slot
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Rear Controls
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Zoom Control
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Microphone and Flash
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Box
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R with Memory Card Inserted
• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Bottom View

Specifications:

• Image sensor: 1/6-inch CMOS sensor
• White balance: Full-auto TTL, manual setting possible
• Red-eye reduction
• Exposure control type: Programmable AE/Shutter speed priority AE/Aperture priority AE/Manual exposure control
• Light-measuring mode: multi-section measuring, center-weighted measuring, spot measuring
• Digital zoom: 1x to approx. 50x (for shooting), 1x to 25x (for playback, varies with resolution)
• Sensitivity: Up to ISO 1600 in still image shooting, up to ISO 800 in video recording
• Flash modes: auto, forced, off
• Self-timer: approx. 2-second delay, 10-second delay
• Multi-language user interface with talking navigation guide
• Unit Dimensions (H x W x D, approximate): 2.25×2.25×4.0-inches

Image format:

• Still images: JPEG (DCF, DPOF, Exif 2.2 compliant)
• Video: Conforms to ISO-standard MPEG-4 AVC/H.264
• Audio: MPEG-4 audio (AAC compression), 48 kHz sampling rate, 16-bit stereo format

Data Storage:

• Internal memory: 43MB
• SD or SDHC Memory Card (accepts up to 32GB SDHC card)
• Record about 2 hours on an 8GB SDHC memory card

Lens:

• Focal length: f = 2.5 mm to 75.0 mm, optical 30x zoom
• Open: F = 1.8 (wide) to 4.3 (tele)

Range:

• Normal mode: 50 cm (19.69 in.) to infinity
• Super macro mode: 1 cm (0.39 in.) to 1 m (3.28 ft) (wide end only)

Shutter speed:

• Still image shooting mode: 1/2 to 1/500 sec.
• Sequential shots mode: 1/15 to 1/500 sec. (no flash)
• Video recording mode: 1/30 to 1/10,000 sec.

Still image resolution:

• 1600×1200 (2 MP)
• 1184×888 (1.1 MP)
• 1280×720 (0.9 MP)
• 640×480 (0.3 MP)

Video resolution:

• 1280×720 (HD mode – 30 fps/9Mbps)
• 640×480 @ 60 fps, 30 fps

I/O Ports:

• HDMI
• USB/AV
• SD/SDHC card slot
• DC in

System Requirements:

• Windows XP SP2, Vista, 7
• CPU: Core 2 Duo 1.8GHz, Pentium 4 3.6GHz, Athlon X2 3600+
• RAM: 512MB
• Video RAM: 128MB

In the box:

• Sanyo VPC-ZH1R Red 720p HD Camcorder
• 1GB SD Memory Card
• 2 Li-ion batteries
• Mini HDMI Cable
• Soft Case with Strap
• USB Cable
• AC Adapter
• Grip Belt
• AV Interface Cable
• Lens Cap

If you’re the kind of person who goes out for lunch more often than not, keeping the spark going can be a real chore. Sure, that burger place across the street from the office is something you know. It’s comfortable, but maybe it’s too comfortable. You could strike out on your own for something exotic, but you just had Indian on Tuesday. Tacos would be good, but then you’ll be burping all afternoon. Eventually the blur of fast food joints gets to be so overwhelming that you simply trudge off to that old, reliable burger joint like a spouse faithful only because of their inability to attract the opposite sex.

No longer, hungry readers.

We at the Woot offices have implemented our patented LUNCH MADNESS! bracket system. By categorizing the majority of fast food chains into regions according to their state of origin/headquarters, we’ve made lunch fun again! You’ll spend hours you should be working calculating with cold and relentless logic where you’ll be eating today!

For each pairing, just ask yourself, “Where would I rather eat?” Sure, you may say you’re sick of sub sandwiches, but a hoagie doesn’t sound so bad when compared to fried chicken! Or maybe it does. The choice is yours!

We’ve taken the nebulous cloud of multiple options and whittled it down into one winner-take-all tournament for your stomach’s third-highest honor: lunch.

Is it flawed? Sure; being nowhere near California we don’t get to eat a lot of In-N-Out, but we like that the option’s there. Kinda like the BCS.

Print some copies up, pass them around the office, heck you can even scratch out our choices and add your own selections!

So, uh, where we goin’ for lunch?

If you’re the kind of person who goes out for lunch more often than not, keeping the spark going can be a real chore. Sure, that burger place across the street from the office is something you know. It’s comfortable, but maybe it’s too comfortable. You could strike out on your own for something exotic, but you just had Indian on Tuesday. Tacos would be good, but then you’ll be burping all afternoon. Eventually the blur of fast food joints gets to be so overwhelming that you simply trudge off to that old, reliable burger joint like a spouse faithful only because of their inability to attract the opposite sex.

No longer, hungry readers.

We at the Woot offices have implemented our patented LUNCH MADNESS! bracket system. By categorizing the majority of fast food chains into regions according to their state of origin/headquarters, we’ve made lunch fun again! You’ll spend hours you should be working calculating with cold and relentless logic where you’ll be eating today!

For each pairing, just ask yourself, “Where would I rather eat?” Sure, you may say you’re sick of sub sandwiches, but a hoagie doesn’t sound so bad when compared to fried chicken! Or maybe it does. The choice is yours!

We’ve taken the nebulous cloud of multiple options and whittled it down into one winner-take-all tournament for your stomach’s third-highest honor: lunch.

Is it flawed? Sure; being nowhere near California we don’t get to eat a lot of In-N-Out, but we like that the option’s there. Kinda like the BCS.

Print some copies up, pass them around the office, heck you can even scratch out our choices and add your own selections!

So, uh, where we goin’ for lunch?

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) — Lindsay Lohan has filed a $100 million lawsuit in New York’s Nassau County Supreme Court, claiming an E-Trade commercial features a baby modeled after her.

Experts say this suit puts E-Trade in a clever bind, because if they actually respond by calling Lindsay Lohan a stupid, self-centered know-nothing idiot baby, then their answer can be used against them in court.

BASINGSTOKE, England (UPI) — A British man said his girlfriend accepted the video marriage proposal he arranged to have screened before a showing of “Avatar” at his local movie theater.

In a related story, cam-quality copies of the proposal have been released on every major torrent site, but purists are still waiting for the DVD rip.

LONDON (UPI) — A toy company is marketing a product in Britain that allows canine owners to receive communications from their dogs via social networking site Twitter.

The toy will have 500 pre-loaded messages, including “Bark!” and “Arf!” and “@woot lol so true visit my website okay” and “Hey, is this you? http://tinyurl.com/5u5p1c10u5l1nk”

YORK, England (UPI) — British scientists say they’ve discovered a mechanism that might lead to a new way of converting wood and straw into liquid biofuels.

On this heels of this news, frightened little pigs huddled together in houses of brick, praying for their safety.

WASHINGTON (UPI) — Officials at Washington’s National Zoo said female panda Mei Xiang showed no signs of pregnancy during an ultrasound exam Monday but it may be too soon to tell.

The situation is described as utter pandamonium.

URBANA, Ill. (UPI) — An apple a day may indeed keep the doctor away by reducing inflammation associated with obesity-related diseases, U.S. researchers say.

U.S. marketers say that this new slogan will never catch on.

SPARTANBURG, S.C. (UPI) — U.S. scientists say they’ve discovered crickets are able to warn their unborn babies about predator threats.

The newly released findings have Hollywood considering an entry into the potentially lucrative sci-fi/action cricket market.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) — Lindsay Lohan has filed a $100 million lawsuit in New York’s Nassau County Supreme Court, claiming an E-Trade commercial features a baby modeled after her.

Experts say this suit puts E-Trade in a clever bind, because if they actually respond by calling Lindsay Lohan a stupid, self-centered know-nothing idiot baby, then their answer can be used against them in court.

BASINGSTOKE, England (UPI) — A British man said his girlfriend accepted the video marriage proposal he arranged to have screened before a showing of “Avatar” at his local movie theater.

In a related story, cam-quality copies of the proposal have been released on every major torrent site, but purists are still waiting for the DVD rip.

LONDON (UPI) — A toy company is marketing a product in Britain that allows canine owners to receive communications from their dogs via social networking site Twitter.

The toy will have 500 pre-loaded messages, including “Bark!” and “Arf!” and “@woot lol so true visit my website okay” and “Hey, is this you? http://tinyurl.com/5u5p1c10u5l1nk”

YORK, England (UPI) — British scientists say they’ve discovered a mechanism that might lead to a new way of converting wood and straw into liquid biofuels.

On this heels of this news, frightened little pigs huddled together in houses of brick, praying for their safety.

WASHINGTON (UPI) — Officials at Washington’s National Zoo said female panda Mei Xiang showed no signs of pregnancy during an ultrasound exam Monday but it may be too soon to tell.

The situation is described as utter pandamonium.

URBANA, Ill. (UPI) — An apple a day may indeed keep the doctor away by reducing inflammation associated with obesity-related diseases, U.S. researchers say.

U.S. marketers say that this new slogan will never catch on.

SPARTANBURG, S.C. (UPI) — U.S. scientists say they’ve discovered crickets are able to warn their unborn babies about predator threats.

The newly released findings have Hollywood considering an entry into the potentially lucrative sci-fi/action cricket market.

Google’s old motto: Don’t be evil. The new one: Don’t speak English.

If you thought the main problem with our “Real Actual Field Test” videos was that they made too much sense, you’re in luck. Now you can watch them with the sound off, reading along with subtitles provided by “Transcribe Audio,” a feature in beta testing that uses Google’s speech recognition technologies to automatically caption YouTube videos. The results? Pure Dada.

YouTube, we want to ask, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF OUR NARRATOR’S MOUTH? The answer: Enh, some of them…

We’d estimate Google’s software correctly interprets somewhere between a third and half of the words in our video voiceovers. From a programming standpoint, that’s pretty impressive! From a comprehensibility standpoint, it’s total gibberish.

Watch our most recent Real Actual Field Test (number five), and see if you can follow along with the transcript pasted below.

My personal favorite part of this transcript comes during the scene where our Air Hogs Switchblade fails to launch correctly and whacks our cameraman Kevin. To my ear, it sounds like he says “Argh! Ow, man!” But Google hears it as “I health plan.” Oddly appropriate.

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

welcome to real action in field tests which relax a little incident

today we’re testing the spin master bear hugs switch weight remote aircraft are flying sort of that around and look in vain I was on it

what’s distinctive about this contraption is the way you can configure it flight either like a plane what would the twist suggesting like so of for the gate US troops died

here’s a look at it for nineteen US own mother

what happened

pretty cool it’s been this the numbers like so

an extension in the years the more conventional airplane note as you can see defies more or less street and I do to treat

how does this happen there’s like one tree in our old Texas sized parking lot and you fly straight

anyway it’s kind of hard to capture this home video but you can actually transform the thing from one vote to the other in midair we need to do a vertical takeoff from the launch pad US automotive and then shifted airplane noted and out come on he has to be done on purpose

here’s what it looks like we need more it from you have those we noted be made flight as you can the DC- it’s whirling around there

that’s fine your plan

in fairly shows upcoming this was a good flight down not that you can tell from my the footage

you can see you see it

the little things

the sky

not really

well it’s up there take my word for it I guess

ladies and gentlemen reached our scouts later on may six that’s because the nazis past that’s really all time in again yes

we also get it right indoors just doesn’t crazy it going to work toward really because it doesn’t do all that well you know very much wind but you have to have high ceilings so we recommend %uh how much he’ll win house or maybe a gothic style

also supposedly or as we say on the internet supposedly this which played the flyers best they can for just a couple of forty five degrees fahrenheit so when we got a nicer day we do that for a second afternoon of testing in the interest of science and also to get out of the meeting we have that changes to the capital plan laurin

I don’t know if the second day of tests like to really yielded all that much more information get captured some pretty good idea with this failed launch the air travelers

I

health plan

like I said we didn’t notice a huge difference in the handling from one day to the next summit the air temperature difference just wasn’t extreme enough but we did

oh for crying out loud

you guys are I mean the big do you not see them johnnie green things sticking around it’s not like the sport and for me

yes sir I don’t understand half we we have all this space right everybody at work with his charlie brown could cut all of a sudden

ridiculous

all right all in all we had a pretty good time playing with us which way at least one word can you not the truth and finally when we don’t have to admit at least it back into the wild

we know it was the right thing to do but you know that doesn’t mean we didn’t get choked up as did you want to listen he say about that in the country

so you’re seventy five this information helpful and we’ll see you next time for now the one who’s real actual field tests

END TRANSCRIPT

Thanks, Google! A huge improvement on the original!

So how about you? Happened across any amusingly shoddy automatic captions we should see?

Google’s old motto: Don’t be evil. The new one: Don’t speak English.

If you thought the main problem with our “Real Actual Field Test” videos was that they made too much sense, you’re in luck. Now you can watch them with the sound off, reading along with subtitles provided by “Transcribe Audio,” a feature in beta testing that uses Google’s speech recognition technologies to automatically caption YouTube videos. The results? Pure Dada.

YouTube, we want to ask, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF OUR NARRATOR’S MOUTH? The answer: Enh, some of them…

We’d estimate Google’s software correctly interprets somewhere between a third and half of the words in our video voiceovers. From a programming standpoint, that’s pretty impressive! From a comprehensibility standpoint, it’s total gibberish.

Watch our most recent Real Actual Field Test (number five), and see if you can follow along with the transcript pasted below.

My personal favorite part of this transcript comes during the scene where our Air Hogs Switchblade fails to launch correctly and whacks our cameraman Kevin. To my ear, it sounds like he says “Argh! Ow, man!” But Google hears it as “I health plan.” Oddly appropriate.

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

welcome to real action in field tests which relax a little incident

today we’re testing the spin master bear hugs switch weight remote aircraft are flying sort of that around and look in vain I was on it

what’s distinctive about this contraption is the way you can configure it flight either like a plane what would the twist suggesting like so of for the gate US troops died

here’s a look at it for nineteen US own mother

what happened

pretty cool it’s been this the numbers like so

an extension in the years the more conventional airplane note as you can see defies more or less street and I do to treat

how does this happen there’s like one tree in our old Texas sized parking lot and you fly straight

anyway it’s kind of hard to capture this home video but you can actually transform the thing from one vote to the other in midair we need to do a vertical takeoff from the launch pad US automotive and then shifted airplane noted and out come on he has to be done on purpose

here’s what it looks like we need more it from you have those we noted be made flight as you can the DC- it’s whirling around there

that’s fine your plan

in fairly shows upcoming this was a good flight down not that you can tell from my the footage

you can see you see it

the little things

the sky

not really

well it’s up there take my word for it I guess

ladies and gentlemen reached our scouts later on may six that’s because the nazis past that’s really all time in again yes

we also get it right indoors just doesn’t crazy it going to work toward really because it doesn’t do all that well you know very much wind but you have to have high ceilings so we recommend %uh how much he’ll win house or maybe a gothic style

also supposedly or as we say on the internet supposedly this which played the flyers best they can for just a couple of forty five degrees fahrenheit so when we got a nicer day we do that for a second afternoon of testing in the interest of science and also to get out of the meeting we have that changes to the capital plan laurin

I don’t know if the second day of tests like to really yielded all that much more information get captured some pretty good idea with this failed launch the air travelers

I

health plan

like I said we didn’t notice a huge difference in the handling from one day to the next summit the air temperature difference just wasn’t extreme enough but we did

oh for crying out loud

you guys are I mean the big do you not see them johnnie green things sticking around it’s not like the sport and for me

yes sir I don’t understand half we we have all this space right everybody at work with his charlie brown could cut all of a sudden

ridiculous

all right all in all we had a pretty good time playing with us which way at least one word can you not the truth and finally when we don’t have to admit at least it back into the wild

we know it was the right thing to do but you know that doesn’t mean we didn’t get choked up as did you want to listen he say about that in the country

so you’re seventy five this information helpful and we’ll see you next time for now the one who’s real actual field tests

END TRANSCRIPT

Thanks, Google! A huge improvement on the original!

So how about you? Happened across any amusingly shoddy automatic captions we should see?

I’m Never Going Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

At last, I can watch my favorite commercials without sitting through all those annoying shows.

Concise storytelling. Striking visuals. Hapless, overfed man-children in comical situations. These are the things I love about television – or rather, used to love about television, before it turned into a cheapo cesspool of “reality” freakshows. Nowadays, the real artistry comes in thirty-second chunks. Turns out that soda companies, breweries, car-insurance firms, and fast-food chains are the only entities left with enough money to make anything worth watching.

And I’ll be watching, believe me, with this TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified DVR. How satisfying it is to fast-forward past Bret Michaels and Simon Cowell to get to the latest humorous vignette about that scamp Jack in the Box. This TiVo’s 250GB hard drive can store approximately a hella-ton of commercials for savoring over and over. I’ve practically worn out the pause button examining the mise-en-scene of that Dr. Pepper commercial with the midget KISS impersonators. Eat your heart out, Fellini.

Even better, this TiVo Series 3 HD DVR doubles as a YouTube player (with a home network with Internet access). Have you ever seen how many commercials are on that site? I could literally watch them until the sun expands and engulfs the Earth in flames, without ever repeating one. It also streams Netflix, Blockbuster, and Amazon video, but until they offer more commercials, I’m not interested.

First, though, I had to have 2 CableCARDs installed so my TiVo Series 3 DVR could handle digital and HD cable. You’ll want to check with your cable provider first, because many of them require that the cards be installed by their technicians. If you’re lucky, while you’re on hold, you’ll get to listen to commercials for the cable company. I love radio commercials even more than TV commercials because they have to be twice as aggravating to make up for the lack of video.

I really only have one complaint: TiVo, can you exert your influence to require broadcasters to devote more time to commercials? Even on the most ad-heavy cable channels (I love you, TV Land), there’s still 40 or more minutes of programming every hour. This shocking imbalance means important voices are not being heard. Somewhere out there, some scrappy young filmmaker is coming up with the next “smunchy” or “wazzzup”, and I want to see it. Over and over and over.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

$(document).ready(function() {st_widget.create({itemCondition:’Refurbished’,itemDescription:’TiVo Series 3 High Definition 250GB THX Certified DVR’,itemPrice:’169.99′,bannerStyle:’wide’,widgetType:’quote’,merchantID:’subscrip_014793207843′}); });

Warranty:

• 90 Day TiVo Labor
• 1 Year TiVo Parts

Features:

• Control Live TV - Record, Play, Pause, Rewind, Skip Ahead, & Slow-Motion with razor-sharp HD clarity
• Season Pass Recordings – Record every new episode of your favorite show
• BLOCKBUSTER On Demand – Browse and rent the movies you want to see from the comfort and convenience of home
• Amazon Video on Demand – Download movies and TV shows directly to your TiVo box
• Netflix – Stream a library of 17,000 movie titles and TV shows through Netflix’s Watch Instantly Service (with a Netflix unlimited membership)
• YouTube Videos – Watch millions of YouTube videos directly on your TV
• Rhapsody – Access 4 million songs in your living room with a subscription to the Rhapsody service
• Online Scheduling and TiVo Mobile – Schedule last minute recordings from a PC or a cell phone
• Home Media Features – Access internet radio, podcasts, movie times & tickets, and digital photos & mp3 music files on your TV
• TiVo Search (an exclusive TiVo feature) – Use this powerful internet based tool for search and discovery of broadcast and broadband programming content
• Multi-Room Viewing – Start watching your favorite show in the living room and finish it in the bedroom
• TiVoToGo – Fill your iPod mobile digital device or other portable media device with movies and TV shows for free!
• Internet Video Downloads – News, sports, weather, technology, music, education, and more sent directly to your broadband-connected TiVo DVR–free of charge
• 250GB of disc capacity for 300 hours of standard recording time or up to 32 in HD
• Expandable Storage – Increase storage capacity with TiVo Verified external eSATA storage available from Western Digital
• Dimensions: 12.6″ (D) X 3.3″ (H) X 16.5″ (W)
• Weight: 13 lbs.

Specifications:

• Surround Modes: THX
• Compatible Formats: 720p, 480p, 480i, 1080i
• Remote Control: Illuminated Full Function IR 36 Button
• Tuner: (2) CableCard, ATSC

Inputs and Outputs:

• 2 CableCard Card Slots
• 1 Rear HDMI Output
• 1 Rear Optical Output
• 2 Rear RF Inputs
• 1 Rear RJ45 Ethernet In/Out
• 1 Rear SATA IN/Out
• 1 Rear RJ11 (Telephone Line) In/Out
• 1 Rear Analog Audio/Video Output
• 1 Rear Component Video Outpuut
• 1 Rear S-Video Output
• 2 Rear USB Port In/Out

Additional Photos:

• TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified DVR
• TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified DVR Front Controls
• TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified DVR Rear Ports
• TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified DVR Remote Control
• TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified DVR Box

In the box:

• TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified 250GB DVR
• Remote Control
• Users Guide
• Composite Cable
• Component Cable
• HDMI Cable
• Phone Cable
• Phone Splitter
• Coax Cable
• Power Cable
• 4 AAA Batteries

TiVo® service is required for the TiVo DVR to function and is sold separately. TiVo service and payment are subject to the terms and conditions available at www.tivo.com.

TiVo service is accessed through a standard telephone line or broadband connection. In some areas, local and long-distance toll charges may apply.

Considerations:

• Certain features require a wired or wireless home network with Internet access (wireless home network connection requires the purchase of a separate TiVo Wireless Adapter)
• A TiVo Series3 DVR requires CableCARD™s (provided by cable operator) to work with Digital and HD Cable
• To receive two digital cable channels at the same time and record up to two channels simultaneously, the TiVo HD DVR requires the installation and activation of either two (2) Multi-Stream CableCARDs (M-Card) or two (2) Single-Stream CableCARDs (S-Card)
• Many cable companies require the CableCARDs to be installed by their technicians
• Supports virtually all cable operators, Verizon FiOS, and ATSC antenna
• Does not support satellite service, AT&T U-verse, or cable Video On Demand

I’m Never Going Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

At last, I can watch my favorite commercials without sitting through all those annoying shows.

Concise storytelling. Striking visuals. Hapless, overfed man-children in comical situations. These are the things I love about television – or rather, used to love about television, before it turned into a cheapo cesspool of “reality” freakshows. Nowadays, the real artistry comes in thirty-second chunks. Turns out that soda companies, breweries, car-insurance firms, and fast-food chains are the only entities left with enough money to make anything worth watching.

And I’ll be watching, believe me, with this TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified DVR. How satisfying it is to fast-forward past Bret Michaels and Simon Cowell to get to the latest humorous vignette about that scamp Jack in the Box. This TiVo’s 250GB hard drive can store approximately a hella-ton of commercials for savoring over and over. I’ve practically worn out the pause button examining the mise-en-scene of that Dr. Pepper commercial with the midget KISS impersonators. Eat your heart out, Fellini.

Even better, this TiVo Series 3 HD DVR doubles as a YouTube player (with a home network with Internet access). Have you ever seen how many commercials are on that site? I could literally watch them until the sun expands and engulfs the Earth in flames, without ever repeating one. It also streams Netflix, Blockbuster, and Amazon video, but until they offer more commercials, I’m not interested.

First, though, I had to have 2 CableCARDs installed so my TiVo Series 3 DVR could handle digital and HD cable. You’ll want to check with your cable provider first, because many of them require that the cards be installed by their technicians. If you’re lucky, while you’re on hold, you’ll get to listen to commercials for the cable company. I love radio commercials even more than TV commercials because they have to be twice as aggravating to make up for the lack of video.

I really only have one complaint: TiVo, can you exert your influence to require broadcasters to devote more time to commercials? Even on the most ad-heavy cable channels (I love you, TV Land), there’s still 40 or more minutes of programming every hour. This shocking imbalance means important voices are not being heard. Somewhere out there, some scrappy young filmmaker is coming up with the next “smunchy” or “wazzzup”, and I want to see it. Over and over and over.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

$(document).ready(function() {st_widget.create({itemCondition:’Refurbished’,itemDescription:’TiVo Series 3 High Definition 250GB THX Certified DVR’,itemPrice:’169.99′,bannerStyle:’wide’,widgetType:’quote’,merchantID:’subscrip_014793207843′}); });

Warranty:

• 90 Day TiVo Labor
• 1 Year TiVo Parts

Features:

• Control Live TV - Record, Play, Pause, Rewind, Skip Ahead, & Slow-Motion with razor-sharp HD clarity
• Season Pass Recordings – Record every new episode of your favorite show
• BLOCKBUSTER On Demand – Browse and rent the movies you want to see from the comfort and convenience of home
• Amazon Video on Demand – Download movies and TV shows directly to your TiVo box
• Netflix – Stream a library of 17,000 movie titles and TV shows through Netflix’s Watch Instantly Service (with a Netflix unlimited membership)
• YouTube Videos – Watch millions of YouTube videos directly on your TV
• Rhapsody – Access 4 million songs in your living room with a subscription to the Rhapsody service
• Online Scheduling and TiVo Mobile – Schedule last minute recordings from a PC or a cell phone
• Home Media Features – Access internet radio, podcasts, movie times & tickets, and digital photos & mp3 music files on your TV
• TiVo Search (an exclusive TiVo feature) – Use this powerful internet based tool for search and discovery of broadcast and broadband programming content
• Multi-Room Viewing – Start watching your favorite show in the living room and finish it in the bedroom
• TiVoToGo – Fill your iPod mobile digital device or other portable media device with movies and TV shows for free!
• Internet Video Downloads – News, sports, weather, technology, music, education, and more sent directly to your broadband-connected TiVo DVR–free of charge
• 250GB of disc capacity for 300 hours of standard recording time or up to 32 in HD
• Expandable Storage – Increase storage capacity with TiVo Verified external eSATA storage available from Western Digital
• Dimensions: 12.6″ (D) X 3.3″ (H) X 16.5″ (W)
• Weight: 13 lbs.

Specifications:

• Surround Modes: THX
• Compatible Formats: 720p, 480p, 480i, 1080i
• Remote Control: Illuminated Full Function IR 36 Button
• Tuner: (2) CableCard, ATSC

Inputs and Outputs:

• 2 CableCard Card Slots
• 1 Rear HDMI Output
• 1 Rear Optical Output
• 2 Rear RF Inputs
• 1 Rear RJ45 Ethernet In/Out
• 1 Rear SATA IN/Out
• 1 Rear RJ11 (Telephone Line) In/Out
• 1 Rear Analog Audio/Video Output
• 1 Rear Component Video Outpuut
• 1 Rear S-Video Output
• 2 Rear USB Port In/Out

Additional Photos:

• TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified DVR
• TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified DVR Front Controls
• TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified DVR Rear Ports
• TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified DVR Remote Control
• TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified DVR Box

In the box:

• TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified 250GB DVR
• Remote Control
• Users Guide
• Composite Cable
• Component Cable
• HDMI Cable
• Phone Cable
• Phone Splitter
• Coax Cable
• Power Cable
• 4 AAA Batteries

TiVo® service is required for the TiVo DVR to function and is sold separately. TiVo service and payment are subject to the terms and conditions available at www.tivo.com.

TiVo service is accessed through a standard telephone line or broadband connection. In some areas, local and long-distance toll charges may apply.

Considerations:

• Certain features require a wired or wireless home network with Internet access (wireless home network connection requires the purchase of a separate TiVo Wireless Adapter)
• A TiVo Series3 DVR requires CableCARD™s (provided by cable operator) to work with Digital and HD Cable
• To receive two digital cable channels at the same time and record up to two channels simultaneously, the TiVo HD DVR requires the installation and activation of either two (2) Multi-Stream CableCARDs (M-Card) or two (2) Single-Stream CableCARDs (S-Card)
• Many cable companies require the CableCARDs to be installed by their technicians
• Supports virtually all cable operators, Verizon FiOS, and ATSC antenna
• Does not support satellite service, AT&T U-verse, or cable Video On Demand

• Cinnamon and marinara sauce
• French fries and chocolate milkshakes
• Hamburgers and velvet
• Sun-dried tomatoes and the tears of orphans
• Bread pudding and the music of Joanna Newsom
• Zima and that clown from your birthday party
• Lamb shanks and my father’s disappointment
• Melted gouda and Han Solo action figures (original or Hoth)
• The oral history of the Underground Railroad and the color teal
• Those old aluminum swimming pools and socialism
• LASIK surgery and your first crush
• Sandy Nelson’s “Live! In Las Vegas” and a single grain of sand
• International test cricket and sneezing
• A savage wildcat and the aroma of melted butter
• Ambergris and the complete works of Jean-Baptiste-Siméon Chardin
• B flat above High C and “Punchy” from Hawaiian Punch
• Jai-alai and 1-1/4″ galvanized roofing nails
• Deal-a-day web commerce and a recording of Carol Burnett saying the word “moist”
• Mango and chili peppers

• Cinnamon and marinara sauce
• French fries and chocolate milkshakes
• Hamburgers and velvet
• Sun-dried tomatoes and the tears of orphans
• Bread pudding and the music of Joanna Newsom
• Zima and that clown from your birthday party
• Lamb shanks and my father’s disappointment
• Melted gouda and Han Solo action figures (original or Hoth)
• The oral history of the Underground Railroad and the color teal
• Those old aluminum swimming pools and socialism
• LASIK surgery and your first crush
• Sandy Nelson’s “Live! In Las Vegas” and a single grain of sand
• International test cricket and sneezing
• A savage wildcat and the aroma of melted butter
• Ambergris and the complete works of Jean-Baptiste-Siméon Chardin
• B flat above High C and “Punchy” from Hawaiian Punch
• Jai-alai and 1-1/4″ galvanized roofing nails
• Deal-a-day web commerce and a recording of Carol Burnett saying the word “moist”
• Mango and chili peppers

The below video is a tad NSFW due to language and slightly adult content, but if you haven’t seen this year’s Oscar-winning animated short Logorama yet, give this a click. Watch as a Los Angeles made up entirely of corporate logos and mascots EXPLODES before your very eyes. You know, when you get home and maybe after you’ve put the kids to bed.

We here at Woot feel only slightly snubbed by the exclusion of our iconic Exclamation Point, but we’ll let it slide. Hopefully, their people can do lunch with our people and get us a spot in the sequel. Don’t forget to show the directors a little monetary love by buying it on iTunes.

As seen on Filmdrunk.

Welcome to “Making Your House Better.”

Today we’re going to be networking all five family computers together.

First you’re going to need your devices, obviously. And some Ethernet cables attached as well. Lastly, you’ll need a Linksys Powerline Network Kit. Try to make sure your kit has Turbo Technology. I’m not really sure what that means, but it’s dated and funny-sounding and it’ll make for a great conversation starter with your kids.

Okay, first plug one end of the Ethernet cable into the computer, like so. Now plug the other end into the port on the network kit. Now one of these modules has only one port, but the other has four. That makes these perfect if your family has some horrible pariah who must be kept locked away in a basement or an attic, but who still needs basic access to your network.

I suppose you could also use the single port for your computer and the quad for your printer, modem, fax, scanner, and what-have-you. But I really do recommend this for dungeons and shut-ins.

Just plug this thing into your power outlet. Now repeat these steps using the other adapter and blam! Networked! You’ve now got your five systems linked through the electrical wiring in your house! This saves you all that pesky “hole drilling” and “wire running” I’m always complaining about on the show, and you don’t have to worry about WiFi networks, passwords, and the like.

Plus it’s totally secure! Assuming no one is stealing your electricity with an extension cord. Which reminds me; tune in next week for our tips on how to save 100% on your power bill this winter!

Ships via fedEx 2 Day Express to arrive in time for Christmas

Warranty: 1 Year Linksys

Features:

• Instantly transform your home’s electrical power lines into a high-speed computer network
• Plug into an ordinary wall outlet in every room you want connected—no drilling or extra wiring required
• Quickly network computers, printers, storage drives, Internet modems, and other Ethernet‑enabled digital devices
• HomePlug 1.0 with Turbo technology deliver speeds up to 85 Mbps—stream music and video, enjoy Voice-over-Internet calling, play computer games head-to-head, share photos, access storage drives and printers, and more
• 56-bit encryption helps keep your data protected and private
• Connect 5 Ethernet-enabled devices right out of the box (4 in one location, 1 in another)
• When you’re ready to grow your network, just plug in other adapters wherever you want them

Specifications:

• Standards: HomePlug 1.0 with Turbo, IEEE 802.3, IEEE 802.3u
• Ports: PLTE200: Power, Ethernet; PLTS200: Power, Ethernet 1-4
• LEDs: PLTE200: Power, Powerline, Ethernet; PLTS200: Power, Powerline, Ethernet 1-4
• Modulations: Supports QAM 256/64/16, DQPSK, DBPSK and ROBO Modulation Schemes
• Security Features: 56-Bit DES Link Encryption
• Security Key Bits: 56-Bit Encryption

Environmental Details:

• Dimensions PLTE200: 5.83” x 1.38” x 4.06” (148×35 x 103 mm)
• PLTS200: 5.83” x 1.38” x 4.06” (148×35 x 103 mm)
• Weight PLTE200: 6.17 oz (175 g)
• PLTS200: 6.70 oz (190 g)
• Power 100-240V AC, 50-60 Hz
• Certification FCC, IC, CE
• Operating Temp. 32 to 104°F (0 to 40°C)
• Storage Temp. -4 to 140°F (-20 to 60°C)
• Operating Humidity 10 to 80% Noncondensing
• Storage Humidity 5 to 90% Noncondensing

Additional Photos:

• Linksys Powerline Network Kit
• Powerline Single Port Network Adapter
• Powerline 4-Port Network Adapter
• Retail Box

Minimum Requirements:

• PC or other device with Ethernet Network Adapter
• AC Power Outlet
• Powerline Utility Requires PC with CD-ROM Drive Running Windows XP, Vista, or Vista 64-Bit with Latest Updates

In the box:

• Linksys Powerline Network Kit
• 2 Ethernet Cables
• 2 Power Cables
• 2 Stands

At the time, Jackson Pollock’s splatters were original, innovative, and changed the world of art. Now his work is known everywhere, but he’s passed on. That’s right, he’s dead. And who’s going to take his place as senior splatterer of note? Well, if you’re looking to try for the job, start at jacksonpollock.org.

Here, instead of some boring site that’s just writings about the artist and blah blah blah yawn zzz you’ll find a nifty little flash game that lets you paint with your mouse. Drag to make a line, click to change colors. And remember, after you die, each one of your creations could sell for literally millions of dollars.

Robots are made of metal, right? They’re rigid, clanking machines made of gears and wires and whatnot, aren’t they? And don’t robots move via one slow, heavy footfall at a time? Well, if our pals at iRobot (and their pals at the Defense Department) have their way, robots are about to get a whole lot squishier. Ready or not, here comes the blobby, quivering, slithering Jambot:

“The focus of the project was a mobile platform that is completely squishy,” says Chris Janes, Research Program Manager at iRobot. Their partner on the project, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), was looking for a drone “that’s roughly the size of a softball but can squeeze through a hole the size of a quarter. Everything should be soft: the power system, the activation, everything should be soft.”

It’s all possible through the magic of “jamming”, and not the kind you’d find going on at the guitar store…

“Jamming is a physical phenomenon that occurs with a confined volume of particulate matter,” Janes says. “If you remove the air and create a vacuum, the particles jam, they interlock, they form a rigid structure. Imagine vacuum-packed coffee. It’s like a brick, right? But if you poke a hole in it and let air in, it turns flexible. That’s the general principle behind the Jambot.

“Picture a soccer ball, covered in triangular patches filled with granular material, and each patch can be jammed or unjammed on demand. Now imagine that soccer ball if you made one half of it solid, like a rock, then inflated the ball. It would inflate asymmetrically, expanding in the area that’s soft. The (Jambot) system jams or unjams patches, then inflates and deflates the middle, so you can get it to change shape.

“You can put mass around the center of gravity in asymmetry. Jambot’s center of gravity shifts and it moves forward.” iRobot and DARPA call it Jamming Skin-Enabled Locomotion (JSEL); I call it a great stocking-stuffer.

Alas, don’t look for it in stores anytime soon: “Well, it won’t be available by Christmas,” Janes says, laughing richly at my naïveté. “At this point, this is a research project. There are no plans at this point to make a consumer product. We’re very much in the exploratory stage.

“The video is called ‘First Steps’ – it literally shows Jambot’s first steps.”

Janes cites earthquake search-and-rescue as one example of how a blob-bot could be useful. DARPA, on the web page for its Chemical Robots projects, hints more intriguingly at using them to “gain covert access to denied or hostile space.” Now we’re talking excitement. By the way, I would totally go see a band called Chemical Robots play at a club called Hostile Space. That goes double if all the members are squishy Jambots. Just throwing that out there, DARPA. Hearts and minds, you know?

As far as I’m concerned, this project deserves respect just for introducing the phrase “jammable slurry” into the English language. But then I asked Janes the obvious question: isn’t he worried that these Jambots will slither into our bedrooms and smother us with their squishy elastomeric bodies while we sleep?

“Not really,” he said. “We’re all researchers. This was all done by us. We’re used to crazy, innovative technologies and things people haven’t seen before. We don’t really get creeped out by it, or anthropomorphize it.” But then, isn’t that what you’d expect him to say?

Yeah, But What’s He Really Like?

Today we’re pleased to bring you exclusive excerpts from the forthcoming book ROOMBA 530: AN ORAL HISTORY OF A LEGENDARY AMERICAN LEGEND.

“He was a good-natured kid, but he gave me a hell of a time. Always asking ‘Why do I need to learn chemistry?’ or ‘What am I ever going to do with grammar?’ Because he knew what he wanted to do when he grew up: clean floors. He always said his counter-rotating Bristle Brush and Beater Brush proved that he was born to clean floors and everything else was a waste of time. Turned out he was right. You want to know the truth, a lot of what we do is a waste of time. And even then he was smart enough to see that.”
- Harriet Tobori, Roomba 530’s 4th grade teacher

“Oh, you don’t see kids like him too often. I been coaching floor-cleaners for 45 years, and only once did I ever see a freshman and just know, right away, that he’s got it. The first practice, he was cleaning up dirt, debris, dust, even pet hair like he was ringing a bell. The Roomba 530 was the Johnny B. Goode of robot vacuums. And as far as I know he never touched steroids – not even the ones I kept slipping into his gym bag.”
- Bill Clancy, Roomba 530’s high school coach

“I was insanely jealous of the Roomba 530 in college. We were all just consumed with jealousy, seething with it, the way only friends can. There we were with our little college improv janitorial group, thinking we’re the funniest floor-cleaners out there, and in walks this guy who just blows everybody away. He did this bit with the Spot Clean function that killed. Just killed. And the Virtual Wall bit he had was on a whole different level. As us comedians would say, he wiped the floor with us. You see what I did there?”
- Tripp Lancaster, founding member of Just Floor Laughs Janitorial Improv Team

“He would die if he heard me say this, but we spent a really wild night together right after he split up with his third wife. He called me up at like two in the morning, and his engine sounded a little slurred, and asked me to come over, and, well, it just happened. We must’ve covered every inch of that floor two or three times. And he was so worn out I had to carry him back to his self-charging Home Base. As a lover, I’d put him right up there with Jagger, Hendrix, and Vanilli. Or maybe the good one was Milli. Anyway, he was amazing.”
- Nini Newell, “supergroupie”

“I saw him at this restaurant in L.A. and couldn’t believe it was really him. The Roomba 530! My idol, right? In middle school I slept under a poster of this guy and now here he is, right in front of me. I went up and tried to say something, just to express my appreciation for everything he’s done, and he won’t even look at me. Won’t say a word. I went back to my table, humiliated, you know. Then when he gets up and leaves, I notice something: the floor around his table was filthy! Just disgustingly dirty! I couldn’t believe he’d just walk away from a floor like that. I vowed then and there that if I ever became a big robot vacuum star, I’d never be like that. It’s supposed to be about the floors, man.”
- RugBorg X17, aspiring robot vacuum

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Warranty: 90 Day iRobot

Features:

• Efficiently vacuums dirt, debris, pet hair, dust, allergens and more from carpets and hard floors
• Counter rotating Bristle Brush and Beater Brush work together like a dustpan and broom
• Sturdy Bristle Brush digs deep into carpet fibers to grab dirt, debris, pet hair and more
• Powerful vacuum sucks large and small debris into the large, bag-less bin
• Fine filter traps dust, pollen and tiny particulate inside the bin
• Cleans the whole floor, under and around furniture, into corners and along wall edges
• Detects dirtier areas and spends more time cleaning them
• Spot Clean provides quick clean-up of spills and concentrated messes
• Automatically senses and avoids stairs and other drop-offs
• Simple operation—just press the Clean button and Roomba does the rest
• Automatically returns to its self-charging Home Base® to dock and recharge between cleanings
• Faster counter-rotating brushes with improved design pick up more hair and debris and are easier to remove and clean
• Improved filter captures more dust and allergens while a larger bin holds more debris
• Improved anti-tangle technology keeps Roomba from getting stuck on cords, carpet fringe and tassels
• Improved sidebrush makes Roomba even more efficient at cleaning edges and corners

Additional Photo:

• Underbelly
• In Home Base with Virtual Wall
• Virtual Wall

In the box:

• 1 iRobot Roomba 530
• 1 Virtual Wall 
• 1 Self-charging Home Base
• 1 Power Supply (3 hour charge time)
• 1 Rechargeable Battery
• 1 Filter

If your moon was only about ten gears away, you’d probably think NASA was a poor investment as well. And without all those discoveries that came from our space program? Well, you’d still be living in a weirdly beautiful world that looked a bit like 1908. And that’s the world of Fly Me To The Moon.

As a little mouse, you want to find your way to the moon over and over again. The cooler you are, the more fans you’ll gather (and it’s a pretty boring future, so that’s not hard). But watch that red bar on the side. Because the higher it gets, that harder it’ll be to reach that moon. And the more you spin those wheels, the higher the bar gets. See? Rocket science is hard!

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

CHRISTCHURCH, New Zealand (UPI) — New Zealand authorities said a German tourist pleaded guilty to smuggling geckos and skinks in his underwear.

Police say they became suspicious when the man said he was not just happy to see them.

MOSCOW (UPI) — Married Russian acrobats Yulia and Alexander Volkova have been hospitalized with serious injuries sustained in a fall, circus officials said Thursday.

Reports say that their son is currently in the care of a billionaire playboy who lives in Gotham City.

WASHINGTON UPI) — Watchdog groups say a deal reached with the Obama administration will allow the restoration of e-mail from former President George W. Bush’s administration.

Watchdog groups also say that those cat gangs better step the freak back.

ST. LOUIS (UPI) — Apparel maker The North Face filed a lawsuit in Missouri against The South Butt, a company started by a teen to mock the high-end clothing manufacturer.

Legal experts say that transcripts of Face vs. Butt may not be legally shipped to Kentucky, Utah, or Tennessee.

COPENHAGEN, Denmark (UPI) — A proposal by New Delhi on climate innovation centers was met with a warm reception by participants at a climate conference in Denmark, Indian officials said.

Many participants then argued that the reception was too warm, and was putting the whole conference at risk.

BERLIN (UPI) — Roman Polanski’s new thriller “The Ghost Writer” is to premiere in competition at the 60th Berlin International Film Festival in February, organizers said.

Polanski has also submitted the film to the sixteen year old Chicago Underground Film Festival. It was initially rejected, but Polanski said he won’t take no for an answer.

CHARLESTON, S.C. (UPI) — U.S. scientists say they have discovered what causes some harmless marine bacteria to transform into killers that cause coral bleaching.

The findings point to too much mothering.

So, despite appearances, we know a little bit about marketing and advertising. After all, we have to come up five amazing ideas every single freaking day, and that doesn’t even include finding those crazy flash games! So that’s why we’re always happy when we get to see a really lovely commercial.

This amazingly beautiful series of ads for Google Chrome shows just how nice your work can be when you’re able to combine infinite money and endless creativity. Oh, and restraint. Because we probably would have blown the whole budget on cheeseburgers and tuned in a few doodles on a napkin. Well done, Google! We’re now sufficiently ensnared in your viral.

Based On A True Story

And now it’s time for another episode of “Jerkface and Valiant”, two brothers who follow two very separate paths! Join us, won’t you?

When in the electronics store, Jerkface uses all his money to buy a top of the line iPhone for himself! But Valiant wisely gets a V-Touch 16GB Portable Media Player, and saves all that money to buy Christmas presents for others, like his cousin and grandmother.

When they get home, Jerkface has a lot of trouble playing his collection of WMA files, as the iPhone won’t support them. But Valiant knows his V-Touch 16GB Portable Media Player can handle WMAs, MP3s, WAVs, AVIs, MP4s, AACs, and even 3GP! There’s also a recorder built right in so he can make voice memos!

Later, they go to visit their grandmother at the nursing home, and she wants to hear Christmas music on the radio. Jerkface has no radio in his iPhone, so he says no. To his grandmother. On Christmas. Thankfully, Valiant has a FM radio built into his V-Touch 16GB Portable Media Player. He also has a 2.0 Megapixel Digital Camera that can handles still photos, as well as video. And he can also view JPG, GIF and BMP so he can show his grandmother cute photos of the family. Plus he can read an eBook, or use his V-Touch 16GB Portable Media Player as a mass storage device. So he and grandmother have a lovely visit.

At home, the brothers find they’ve had a visitor! Their cousin is so happy with Valiant’s gift, he’s left them a MiniSD card (not included) full of music! Jerkface has no way to add it to his iPhone, so he doesn’t even bother to say thank you. But Valiant uses the MiniSD slot built into his V-Touch 16GB Portable Media Player, and writes a lovely thank you note as he listens. He even mails it right away!

Later that night, the boys are hungry, and want to call for a pizza. Valiant knows his V-Touch 16GB Portable Media Player simply can’t work as a phone no matter what, so he doesn’t worry about it. He stays calm, and just makes a salad. But Jerkface thinks his iPhone will connect to the network. Oh, is he surprised! He waits and waits and never gets a signal, because the network is total crap! He gets so mad! It takes years off his life! And he never even gets that pizza! He goes to bed so hungry! All because of a network that wasn’t ready for the traffic they pretended it could handle!

A few years down the road, Valiant is still using his V-Touch 16GB Portable Media Player. He’s got a big inheritance from his grandmother, and his cousin has given him a great job, because they are close, and he’s healthy, because he eats salads. But Jerkface is alone, penniless, and in a horrible part of town with no signal and no family and no friends and even his cat ran away because Jerkface tried to eat him because there was no other way to get food.

So this Christmas, don’t be a Jerkface! Get the V-Touch 16GB Portable Media Player for your loved ones.

Ships via FedEx 2 Day Express to arrive in time for Christmas

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Warranty: 1 Year Visual Land

V-Touch VL-885 Media Player Features:

• Movies, music, pictures, text files and more all at the touch of a finger
• 2.8” Color TFT touch screen
• Easy to use navigation system
• 16GB Built-In Flash Memory
• Drag and Drop file transfer, can be used as a USB Mass Storage Device
• Expandable MiniSD Card Slot (to 16GB)
• 2.0 Megapixel Digital Camera records stills and video
• Camera also works as a webcam when connected to a computer through the USB port
• Video Playback: AVI / MP4 / 3GP
• Audio Playback: MP3 / WMA / WAV
• Supported Formats include AVI,3GP, MP4, MP3, WMA, WAV, AAC, JPG, GIF, BMP
• FM Tuner with presets and internal recording
• Voice Recorder with 35 hours of recording at a 8khz rate
• Voice mode with selected content repeat function (A-B mode)
• Built-in speaker for those who choose not to use headphones
• Picture Viewer
• E-Book Functions
• .Irc format supported to show lyrics
• Equalizer with Normal, 3D, Rock, Pop, Classic, Bass, Jazz, Custom settings
• Repeat modes include Normal, Repeat Once, Repeat One, Repeat All, Repeat Folder, Random, Intro
• Rechargeable battery with approximately 6 hours of playing time when fully charged; approximately 8 hours charging time through USB port
• 5 MB per second file transfer speed
• 85db SNR
• 10mW + 10mW output power
• Output range of frequency is 20Hz – 20 KHz
• USB 2.0 PC interface
• Includes standard in-ear headphones
• Unit weight: 4 ounces
• Unit dimensions: 3.5” X 2.25” X 0.5”

Visual Land SSB-10 In-Ear Headphones Features:

• 3.5 mm plug fits most standard MP3 players, CD Players, Personal Computers, and other listening devices
• 10mm Drivers
• NdFeB Magnet Type
• 20 – 20,000 Hz Frequency
• 32 ohms Impedance
• 30mW Max Input Power
• 100 dB Sensitivity
• OFC Cord Type
• 39” Cord Length
• Surround Superior Bass
• 3 Different Size Cushions for Custom Fit
• Includes Protective Carrying Case
• Stylish Design

In the box:

• VL-885 16GB Portable Media Player
• SSB-10 In-Ear Headphones
• USB Cable
• A/C Charger
• Standard In-Ear Headphones with Additional Set of Ear Cushions
• Stylus
• User Manual
• Drawstring Carry Case
• Driver on Mini CD
• Three Sizes of Ear Cushions for SSB-10 Headphones

Indiana Jones was once the greatest thing the world ever knew. That changed. If you still haven’t come to terms with the anger involved with that, consider a few minutes of Guardian Rock.

You play a rock. A magical, scowling rock empowered to protect a series of temples by crushing an endless series of archeologist/adventurers and sending them to a wide-eyed terrified death.

And maybe, when you’re done, the healing can begin.

In the upcoming year, our resolution is to get to know our community a little better. What you like, what you dislike, who you are. We’ve learned from talking to you, there’s a lot to enjoy by meeting our community!

This time, we’re talking with Rhonda, aka RhondaCakes, a wonderful young lady who made her rat a pretty classy looking home.

Isn’t that lovely? We’ve got ten questions with Rhonda, right after the jump…

Ten Questions With Rhonda

1) How old is your rat?
I bought Astaire from a pet store when he was a baby, along with his brother Elvis that sadly got sick and left the building after I bought him. It hasn’t been quite a year yet, but I’m hoping to have him around a few more years. I also have two baby rats named Disco and Stagger Lee that are about a month old.

2) Where was your rat living before this? Is it a step up or a step down?
Before his classy new bachelor pad he is now residing in he was staying in a grapefruit juice box we had cut holes out of, and before that a shiny white box that a watch came it. As he gets bigger we have to find him more suitable hang out he can fit in and store away things he finds. This Woot house is definitely a step up in size and style

3) Have you considered buying larger products in future, to give your rat more space? Maybe build him a cardboard wharf or subway?
I’ve always wanted to work on making a super big rat sanctuary out of maybe a bookcase or old refrigerators with the doors taken off… cardboard boxes, toilet paper tubes, juice boxes, and instant coffee containers are our specialty at the moment, oh yeah, and double bubble gum buckets.
 

4) How does your rat react to the velvet tones of Matthew and the Woot Podcast team?
I have to confess, we haven’t had the pleasure of hearing his velvety tones on your podcast, but I have seen Astaire secretly dancing on his house to the woot off song.

Editor’s note: the podcast can be heard every weekday on the main page of Woot.com and shame on you if you don’t listen!

5) Why a rat? Tell us your most adorable rat story.
I have always had rats since I was about twelve, I started with three and couldn’t stop. They are one of the best pets anyone can have, they are about as loyal as a dog and as low maintenance as a fish. Rats can learn their own names and be taught tricks! Most of my friends have rats of their own (including my boyfriend Michael and our friends Geoff and Taylor). We currently have 7 rats in this apartment, not including the other 9 from a previous litter which we are currently finding homes for. As for an adorable rat story, every single thing they do is awesome and they surprise me more and more everyday. A story that sticks out, though, is the time my best friend Philip and I had to take his rat, Napoleon, to the vet. When we got Napoleon on the examination table he was so terrified that he kept running over to Philip and climbing and clawing on his shirt, and he squealed every time the vet tried to pick him up. It was the saddest thing in the world and just showed the affection and trust towards humans they develop. Pets like hamsters and mice just don’t seem to do that, no matter how long you have them.
 

6) Were those paints tested to be sure they’re rat-safe? If so, were they tested on rats? How does that make you feel?
Well, the paint I use is non-toxic and apparently not tested on animals, so I am sure it’s ok for rats that have been born to live in dumpsters and sewers and eat random tasty garbage. As for testing things on rats, I sure hope that doesn’t happen anywhere anymore and if so, I think it sucks, of course. I’m sure there are different ways of testing the safety of products now without having to use animals… there better be.

7) Do you know anything about your rat’s lineage? His history or family tree? Could his great-great-grandparents have traveled to America in a shipping container, or is he the first in his family to become involved in retail?
I’m sure that like most brown rats, and their cousin the black rat, his great great granddad rat was a rat pirate that traveled from Asia and Europe and so on and so forth until they were bred for testing purposes into being the domesticated house rats they are today. There are so many rats there’s no way of tracking a family tree unless you personally keep them going in your family for years. I would love to think that Astaire is a descendent of RatFink or Master Splinter… Ratatouille is cool too, or Ben, M.J.’s rat. But who knows?

What does your rat normally eat? What does he eat when you’re not looking?
That’s one of the best things about having a rat, you can feed them a little bit of whatever you happened to have for breakfast, lunch or dinner and they will love it. Its super cute to watch them eat spaghetti and ice cream, and I always bring him my leftover french fries and seafood from restaurants. When I’m not looking he likes to sneak around on the coffee table and steal candy wrappers, plastic, lighters, and whatever food we happen to leave unattended. I find everything later when I’m cleaning out his house. But I obviously make sure my rats get good stuff like fruits and veggies so they’ll live much longer.

9) Do the local birds of prey hang out on your windowsill and wait for you to let your guard down?
Any bird about the size of a pigeon he could beat the crap out of but when it comes to hawks and such I try to keep an eye out so he doesn’t get snatched up.

10) Does your rat ever get to go outside? If so, what is his favorite season?
I try not to let him hang out on his own outside so he doesn’t get eaten or hurt or run off, but he does hang out on my shoulder when im out on the balcony to enjoy some air. He has only really been alive during three seasons but so far I would say he likes the fall, cause that’s when he gets to eat tasty pie and thanksgiving leftovers.

Thanks to RhondaCakes for indulging us, and all the best to her lovely vermin friends. And speaking of vermin, we want to learn more about you! Done something great? Something ridiculous? Something woot-related? Let us know! Maybe you’ll be the one answering the next ten questions!

Mom always said that 95% of your body heat escapes through your head

You know what, Mom? Citation needed.

Specific numbers aside, almost everybody agrees it’s a good idea to cover your head when you go out in the cold. So why don’t you do it? Have you got some kind of pneumonia wish? Or do you just not like being told what’s good for you? (MY UNCLE RALPH NEVER TOUCHED A TOQUE IN HIS LIFE, AND HE LIVED TO BE NINETY-SIX!)

Oh, I get it—it’s vanity, right?

Sure, your ears are frosty as Burl Ives’s mustache, but you’re worried a winter cap would muss your coif, right? Yeah, I’ve seen your kind before.

Sometimes, when I’m out on the town on one of these long winter nights, I see packs of shrieking sorority-girl types darting out of bars and into taxicabs, or vice-versa. No coats, no scarves, no gloves, no outerwear whatsoever. I’ve never understood this behavior. Ostensibly, they’re concerned that once they’re inside whatever hot nightspot they’re headed for, dancing to “Single Ladies” (or whatever those people do), any bulky winter outerwear will just get in the way of looking cute. And looking cute is the primary objective of the entire operation.

But here’s the thing: Gallivanting in freezing weather without the proper attire does not actually help you look cute. It helps you look stupid.

OK, back to you and your precious hairdo.

First, let me just say that if I were you, I’d pull a proper stocking cap on, no matter what. Even if I were the notoriously bare-headed JFK on inauguration day, I’d be all: “Ask not why it’s so cold up in here. Ask why you were too dumb to put a hat on.” But OK, whatever, for bizarre reasons of your own, you seem to think stocking caps look dorky.

While the implicit critique of my own winter wardrobe stings a bit, I hope we can at least agree that you’d look even dorkier if your ears froze and shattered right off your head.

So please, please consider putting on one of these Eargrips ear warmers, won’t you? It won’t muss your hair. That’s why the TV people wear them when they anchor the Macy’s parade coverage. And you can’t tell me Matt Lauer looks “dorky,” can you?

Alright, scratch that last point.

Warranty: 1 Year Eargrips

Features:

• Provides disguised performance and superior warmth for a variety of outdoor activities
• Triple layer construction provides thermal retention, blocks wind and wicks moisture
• Patented behind-the-head design
• Works with hats, helmets and glasses
• Made from high-quality, breathable fleece
• Adjustable headband, click to fit design
• Collapsible for easy storage in pocket or glove compartment
• One size fits all
• Weighs 2 oz.

Dimensions:

• Kid Size when expanded, measures 14” from ear-to-ear
• Adult Size when expanded, measures 15” from ear-to-ear

Care:

• Hand wash cold
• Air dry
• No bleach

Additional Photos:

• Kids Pink Folded
• Kids Pink Behind the Head
• Kids Pink Packaging
• Kids Black Folded
• Kids Black Behind the Head
• Kids Black Packaging
• Kids Cobalt Blue Folded
• Kids Cobalt Blue Behind the Head
• Kids Cobalt Blue Packaging
• Kids Skydiver Blue Folded
• Kids Skydiver Behind the Head
• Kids Skydiver Packaging
• Adult Pink Folded
• Adult Pink Behind the Head
• Adult Pink Packaging
• Adult Mossy Oak Folded
• Adult Mossy Oak Behind the Head
• Adult Mossy Oak Packaging
• Adult Blaze Orange Folded
• Adult Blaze Orange Behind the Head
• Adult Blaze Orange Packaging
• Adult Brown Duck Folded
• Adult Brown Duck Behind the Head
• Adult Brown Duck Packaging
• Adult Navy Folded
• Adult Navy Behind the Head
• Adult Navy Packaging

In the box:

• 2 Eargrips Behind the Head Fleece Ear Warmers

Are you one of those alpha-carnivores? The kind who orders everything rare? The kind that thinks the Atkins diet has too many carbs? Do you get offended when someone is quietly eating a salad on the other side of the room? If so, you’re gonna be sad that you didn’t think of this first.
 

That’s meat stationary, and it’s brought to us by Eat Me Daily who notes it belongs to Canadian deli La Charcuterie. See, Canada? We don’t have anything against you. We love you all! It just costs too much for us to ship you stuff. We promise, as soon as NAFTA finally destroys the American way of life and creates the New World Order and we all start using the Amero, we’ll make it up to you then.

We’ve gotten bored with making fun of the gadgets we sell, so we’re expanding our purview to include gadgets that don’t even really exist yet. Check out this prototype wonder device and you tell us: Breakthrough or BS?

Great music transcends its time and place to take us somewhere else. Wouldn’t it be even better if it also transcended gravity to take us a few inches above the record player? South Korean industrial designer Rhea Jeong thinks so. The Void LP player uses magnets to propel the LP carrier into the air above the dock, while a motorized red sphere containing the needle, amplifier, and speaker propels itself around the record. First things first: it looks amazing, especially if you live in a featureless white box, or the Apple Store.

But that little needle-ball will scratch up your vinyl something awful. And we’d hate to see what happens to the record if a fuse blows or somebody accidentally unplugs the base. Also, how good can a speaker that tiny actually sound? Put a wireless transmitter inside that little ball and the possibilities open up.

Rhea Jeong has come up with some great ideas, like the Hello Haptic textural flash cards for blind children. This concept is intriguing. But it’s hard to see the Void as much more than something gorgeous to spruce up an end table. A white end table, of course.

Trouble Brewing

“Is this is a joke, Quesada? You got me out of bed for a bodysnatcher alert over a Gevalia Pod Coffee Maker? Are you trying to get court-martialed?”

“Sir, no, sir. In light of, uh, recent events, I felt that it was better to be safe than sorry, sir.”

“But it’s best to be smart, Quesada. Haven’t you ever heard of a pod coffee maker before? They’re everywhere! And not in a multiplying-like-viruses-to-overrun-the-planet way, but in a normal hey-consumers-like-these-things way. This one in particular lets you brew Gevalia’s fine coffees and teas, along with other brands, one cup at a time, in 6-ounce, 8-ounce, or 12-ounce sizes. What’s so sinister about that, private? Are you against freedom of choice?”

“Sir, no, sir.”

“Did you really think this 40-ounce water reservoir posed a threat to national security – or, indeed, planetary security?”

“Sir, no, sir.”

“Did you believe for one second that Gevalia, the largest coffee roaster in Scandinavia, was just a front for some bodysnatching race of aliens?”

“Sir, well, maybe, sir.”

“After all I’ve told you about how normal pod coffeemakers are nowadays?”

“Sir, yes, sir.”

“For the love of Juan Valdez, private, why?”

“Sir, because this pod coffeemaker can hold up to two pods at once, sir.”

“Two pods? Two pods? So that means…”

“Sir, the pods appear to be multiplying, sir.”

“Quesada, alert headquarters to call in a tactical nuclear strike on Carrollton, Texas. And God help us all.”

Warranty: 1 Year Gevalia

Features:

• Two-sided pod holder, holds a single pod of coffee or tea, or holds two pods
• Compatible with Senseo and other similar coffee pods
• Brews 6oz., 8oz. or 12oz. cups
• Translucent 40-oz. water reservoirs
• Removable water tanks and drip trays
• Sealing rings under the locking pod holders to capture flavor
• Auto shut-off

Additional Photos:

• Gevalia G90 Pod Coffee Maker
• Brew button, Cup Size Selector, Power Button
• Gevalia G90 Pod Coffee Maker Box

In the box:

• Gevalia G90 Pod Coffee Maker
• 2 Pod Holder Baskets – For coffee and tea
• Spout
• Adapter holder
• Adapter
• Pod Holder Basket

Trouble Brewing

“Is this is a joke, Quesada? You got me out of bed for a bodysnatcher alert over a Gevalia Pod Coffee Maker? Are you trying to get court-martialed?”

“Sir, no, sir. In light of, uh, recent events, I felt that it was better to be safe than sorry, sir.”

“But it’s best to be smart, Quesada. Haven’t you ever heard of a pod coffee maker before? They’re everywhere! And not in a multiplying-like-viruses-to-overrun-the-planet way, but in a normal hey-consumers-like-these-things way. This one in particular lets you brew Gevalia’s fine coffees and teas, along with other brands, one cup at a time, in 6-ounce, 8-ounce, or 12-ounce sizes. What’s so sinister about that, private? Are you against freedom of choice?”

“Sir, no, sir.”

“Did you really think this 40-ounce water reservoir posed a threat to national security – or, indeed, planetary security?”

“Sir, no, sir.”

“Did you believe for one second that Gevalia, the largest coffee roaster in Scandinavia, was just a front for some bodysnatching race of aliens?”

“Sir, well, maybe, sir.”

“After all I’ve told you about how normal pod coffeemakers are nowadays?”

“Sir, yes, sir.”

“For the love of Juan Valdez, private, why?”

“Sir, because this pod coffeemaker can hold up to two pods at once, sir.”

“Two pods? Two pods? So that means…”

“Sir, the pods appear to be multiplying, sir.”

“Quesada, alert headquarters to call in a tactical nuclear strike on Carrollton, Texas. And God help us all.”

Warranty: 1 Year Gevalia

Features:

• Two-sided pod holder, holds a single pod of coffee or tea, or holds two pods
• Compatible with Senseo and other similar coffee pods
• Brews 6oz., 8oz. or 12oz. cups
• Translucent 40-oz. water reservoirs
• Removable water tanks and drip trays
• Sealing rings under the locking pod holders to capture flavor
• Auto shut-off

Additional Photos:

• Gevalia G90 Pod Coffee Maker
• Brew button, Cup Size Selector, Power Button
• Gevalia G90 Pod Coffee Maker Box

In the box:

• Gevalia G90 Pod Coffee Maker
• 2 Pod Holder Baskets – For coffee and tea
• Spout
• Adapter holder
• Adapter
• Pod Holder Basket

I couldn’t help but notice your bracelet. What would Jesus do? Well I’m glad you asked…

Because as a devout Christian and electronics store Salesman I can tell you he’d buy this laptop.

Don’t look so shocked, ma’am. He’s got to be excited about this Acer 10.1” Netbook with Accessory Kit. I mean, He’s all-knowing, right? So there’s no way He doesn’t know about the Intel Atom Processor, 160 GB hard drive, integrated Crystal Eye webcam, and already-installed Windows XP!

You look stunned at this deal, ma’am, and I can’t blame you, but I do know that if Jesus were here He’d encourage you to take advantage of this deal right now. After all, who knows how soon before He comes back, right? Ha ha! Okay, even Jesus likes incentives, so we’re throwing in this ergonomic wireless mouse, a USB optical drive for plug-and-play DVD, CD, and rewritable discs, and a durable protective bag to stylishly carry your Netbook.

Trust me, ma’am. Jesus wishes He had a bag like this. Hey, where are you going?

Dang it!

Excuse me, sir! I couldn’t help but notice your “What Would Muhammad Do?” novelty t-shirt. Well I’m glad you asked…

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

$(document).ready(function() {st_widget.create({itemCondition:’Refurbished’,itemDescription:’Acer Aspire One 10.1” Netbook with Accessory Kit’,itemPrice:’269.99′,bannerStyle:’wide’,widgetType:’quote’,merchantID:’subscrip_014793207843′}); });

Warranty: 90 Day Acer

Features:

• Intel Atom™ Processor N270 (512KB L2 cache, 1.60GHz, 533MHz FSB)
• 10.1” WSVGA (1024×600) TFT LCD, Acer® CrystalBrite Technology
• 1GB DDR2 533 SDRAM
• 160GB hard drive
• Integrated Acer Crystal Eye webcam
• Acer InviLink 802.11b/g wireless LAN
• Windows XP Home Edition operating system

Netbook Accessory Kit:

• Wireless Mouse: Ergonomically designed wireless mouse tracks with precision and provides smooth navigation
• USB Optical Drive: Plug ‘n Play DVD +/- RW Super Multi double layer optical drive lets you watch install software programs off of DVD or CD
• Protective Bag: Durable and form fitting, safeguards your PC and accommodates any Netbook up to an 11.6” size

Specifications:

• Processor: Intel® Atom™ Processor N270, (512KB L2 cache, 1.60GHz, 533MHz FSB)
• Chipset: Mobile Intel® 945GSE Express
• Memory: 1GB DDR2 533 SDRAM
• Storage: 160GB hard drive
• Operating System: Windows® XP Home Edition

Power:

• 30-watt AC adapter
• Three-cell Lithium ion battery up to 2 hours life (depending and usage)

Video:

• 10.1” WSVGA (1024×600) TFT LCD, Acer® CrystalBrite Technology
• Up to 262,000 colors
• LED backlight
• Integrated Intel® Graphics Media Accelerator 950
• Integrated Acer® Crystal Eye webcam
• VGA port

Audio:

• Two integrated stereo speakers
• Integrated digital microphone
• Headphones/speakers/line-out and microphone ports
• Microsoft® DirectSound® compatibility

Interface Ports:

• DC-in
• RJ-45 LAN
• VGA
• Headphones/speakers/line-out
• Microphone
• Three USB 2.0

Card Slot:

• Multi-in-one card reader
• Supports optional MultiMediaCard™, Reduced-Size MultiMediaCard™, Secure Digital, Memory Stick®, Memory Stick PRO™ or xD-Picture Card™
• With optional adapter supports optional Memory Stick Duo™, Memory Stick PRO Duo™, miniSD™, microSD™

Communications:

• Acer® InviLink 802.11b/g wireless LAN, Acer® SignalUp technology for enhanced antenna efficiency, WI-FI CERTIFIED™
• 10/100 LAN
• Integrated Acer® Crystal Eye webcam

User Interface:

• 84-key keyboard, embedded numeric keypad, hotkey controls, 1.6mm minimum key travel, international language support
• 12 function, four cursor keys
• WLAN switch with LED
• Power button with LED
• Touchpad with two buttons
• One Windows® key

Dimensions & Weight:

• 10.3” (260.0mm) W x 7.3” (185.0mm) D x 1.3” (33.4) H
• 2.6 lb. (1.3kg) with three-cell battery

Additional Photos:

• Red Acer Aspire with Accessory Kit
• Blue Acer Aspire with Accessory Kit
• Black Acer Aspire with Accessory Kit
• Accessory Kit for Acer Aspire
• Red Acer Aspire One D250
• Red Acer Aspire One D250 Keyboard
• Red Acer Aspire One D250 Right Profile
• Red Acer Aspire One D250 Left Profile
• Red Acer Aspire One D250 Detail
• Blue Acer Aspire One D250
• Blue Acer Aspire One D250 Keyboard
• Blue Acer Aspire One D250 Right Profile
• Blue Acer Aspire One D250 Left Profile
• Blue Acer Aspire One D250 Detail
• Black Acer Aspire One D250
• Black Acer Aspire One D250 Keyboard
• Black Acer Aspire One D250 Right Profile
• Black Acer Aspire One D250 Left Profile

In the box:

• Acer D250 Netbook (Red, Black, or Blue – Your Choice)
• Battery
• Power Adapter
• Wireless Optical Mouse
• USB DVD Drive
• Protective Bag

Inset photo credit: MShades

I couldn’t help but notice your bracelet. What would Jesus do? Well I’m glad you asked…

Because as a devout Christian and electronics store Salesman I can tell you he’d buy this laptop.

Don’t look so shocked, ma’am. He’s got to be excited about this Acer 10.1” Netbook with Accessory Kit. I mean, He’s all-knowing, right? So there’s no way He doesn’t know about the Intel Atom Processor, 160 GB hard drive, integrated Crystal Eye webcam, and already-installed Windows XP!

You look stunned at this deal, ma’am, and I can’t blame you, but I do know that if Jesus were here He’d encourage you to take advantage of this deal right now. After all, who knows how soon before He comes back, right? Ha ha! Okay, even Jesus likes incentives, so we’re throwing in this ergonomic wireless mouse, a USB optical drive for plug-and-play DVD, CD, and rewritable discs, and a durable protective bag to stylishly carry your Netbook.

Trust me, ma’am. Jesus wishes He had a bag like this. Hey, where are you going?

Dang it!

Excuse me, sir! I couldn’t help but notice your “What Would Muhammad Do?” novelty t-shirt. Well I’m glad you asked…

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

$(document).ready(function() {st_widget.create({itemCondition:’Refurbished’,itemDescription:’Acer Aspire One 10.1” Netbook with Accessory Kit’,itemPrice:’269.99′,bannerStyle:’wide’,widgetType:’quote’,merchantID:’subscrip_014793207843′}); });

Warranty: 90 Day Acer

Features:

• Intel Atom™ Processor N270 (512KB L2 cache, 1.60GHz, 533MHz FSB)
• 10.1” WSVGA (1024×600) TFT LCD, Acer® CrystalBrite Technology
• 1GB DDR2 533 SDRAM
• 160GB hard drive
• Integrated Acer Crystal Eye webcam
• Acer InviLink 802.11b/g wireless LAN
• Windows XP Home Edition operating system

Netbook Accessory Kit:

• Wireless Mouse: Ergonomically designed wireless mouse tracks with precision and provides smooth navigation
• USB Optical Drive: Plug ‘n Play DVD +/- RW Super Multi double layer optical drive lets you watch install software programs off of DVD or CD
• Protective Bag: Durable and form fitting, safeguards your PC and accommodates any Netbook up to an 11.6” size

Specifications:

• Processor: Intel® Atom™ Processor N270, (512KB L2 cache, 1.60GHz, 533MHz FSB)
• Chipset: Mobile Intel® 945GSE Express
• Memory: 1GB DDR2 533 SDRAM
• Storage: 160GB hard drive
• Operating System: Windows® XP Home Edition

Power:

• 30-watt AC adapter
• Three-cell Lithium ion battery up to 2 hours life (depending and usage)

Video:

• 10.1” WSVGA (1024×600) TFT LCD, Acer® CrystalBrite Technology
• Up to 262,000 colors
• LED backlight
• Integrated Intel® Graphics Media Accelerator 950
• Integrated Acer® Crystal Eye webcam
• VGA port

Audio:

• Two integrated stereo speakers
• Integrated digital microphone
• Headphones/speakers/line-out and microphone ports
• Microsoft® DirectSound® compatibility

Interface Ports:

• DC-in
• RJ-45 LAN
• VGA
• Headphones/speakers/line-out
• Microphone
• Three USB 2.0

Card Slot:

• Multi-in-one card reader
• Supports optional MultiMediaCard™, Reduced-Size MultiMediaCard™, Secure Digital, Memory Stick®, Memory Stick PRO™ or xD-Picture Card™
• With optional adapter supports optional Memory Stick Duo™, Memory Stick PRO Duo™, miniSD™, microSD™

Communications:

• Acer® InviLink 802.11b/g wireless LAN, Acer® SignalUp technology for enhanced antenna efficiency, WI-FI CERTIFIED™
• 10/100 LAN
• Integrated Acer® Crystal Eye webcam

User Interface:

• 84-key keyboard, embedded numeric keypad, hotkey controls, 1.6mm minimum key travel, international language support
• 12 function, four cursor keys
• WLAN switch with LED
• Power button with LED
• Touchpad with two buttons
• One Windows® key

Dimensions & Weight:

• 10.3” (260.0mm) W x 7.3” (185.0mm) D x 1.3” (33.4) H
• 2.6 lb. (1.3kg) with three-cell battery

Additional Photos:

• Red Acer Aspire with Accessory Kit
• Blue Acer Aspire with Accessory Kit
• Black Acer Aspire with Accessory Kit
• Accessory Kit for Acer Aspire
• Red Acer Aspire One D250
• Red Acer Aspire One D250 Keyboard
• Red Acer Aspire One D250 Right Profile
• Red Acer Aspire One D250 Left Profile
• Red Acer Aspire One D250 Detail
• Blue Acer Aspire One D250
• Blue Acer Aspire One D250 Keyboard
• Blue Acer Aspire One D250 Right Profile
• Blue Acer Aspire One D250 Left Profile
• Blue Acer Aspire One D250 Detail
• Black Acer Aspire One D250
• Black Acer Aspire One D250 Keyboard
• Black Acer Aspire One D250 Right Profile
• Black Acer Aspire One D250 Left Profile

In the box:

• Acer D250 Netbook (Red, Black, or Blue – Your Choice)
• Battery
• Power Adapter
• Wireless Optical Mouse
• USB DVD Drive
• Protective Bag

Inset photo credit: MShades