Television? Why would you want to buy a television?

The future is podcasting, friend.

Sure, you could get this refurbished Philips 22” 720p LCD HDTV if you need a giant paperweight or something. But unless you use the PC-input to hook it up to your computer (and you could definitely do that) you’re going to miss out on the real entertainment, like Never Not Funny.

What good is the 1366×768p HD LCD display if it’s not makin’ you laugh, right? Try using the Settings Assistant for that: try programming it to increase the amount of thought-provoking humor on TV. It’s not gonna happen. And yeah, the Digital Crystal Clear will give your images amazing depth and clarity in widescreen, but if it’s just some boring reality show who’s going to care? Not us.

Child Protection? Remote Control? Adjustable Screen Formats? Useless, all of it. About the only thing you’d actually use on this TV is the Sleep Timer, because if you’re not watching Jimmy Pardo you’re on a countdown until boredom knocks you unconscious anyway. What’s the alternative? Jay Leno making fun of small-town newspapers for their typos? At least Letterman- wait, what? Letterman does that bit TOO, now?! See? This is why I only watch podcasts.

You think you’ve got better options? It’s not like they’re bringing Conan back any time soon.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Warranty: 90 Day P&F

Condition: Refurbished

Features:

• Up to 5ms response time for clear, fast moving action
• Digital Crystal Clear for detail depth and clarity
• Dynamic contrast for incredible rich black details
• HD LCD display, with a 1366×768p resolution
• 2×3W RMS audio power
• PC-input allows you to use your TV as a PC monitor
• Settings assistant for effortless personalized TV settings
• 2 HDMI inputs with Easylink for HD connection
• ATSC & QAM tuner receives over the air and unscrambled cable

Additional Photos:

• Philips 22PFL3504D/F7B 22” HDTV
• Volume, Menu, Channel, and Power Buttons
• Rear Video and Audio Ports
• Side Video and Audio Ports
• Remote Control
• Box

Picture/Display:

• Aspect ratio: Widescreen
• Brightness: 300 cd/m²
• Contrast ratio (typical): 800:1
• Dynamic screen contrast: 3200:1
• Response time (typical): 5 ms
• Viewing angle: 170º (H) / 160º (V)
• Diagonal screen size: 22 inch / 56 cm
• Visible screen diagonal (inch): 21.6 inch
• Panel resolution: 1366×768p
• Picture enhancement: 3D Comb filter, Digital Crystal Clear, Digital Noise Reduction, Dynamic contrast enhancement, Progressive scan

Supported Display Resolution:

• 640×480
• 720×480
• 800×600
• 1024×768
• 1280×768
• 1360×768

Sound:

• Equalizer: 5-bands
• Output power (RMS): 2×3W
• Sound System: Dolby Digital (AC-3), Stereo, SAP

Loudspeakers:

• Built-in speakers: 2

Convenience:

• Child Protection: Child Lock+Parental Control
• Clock: Sleep Timer
• Ease of Installation: Autostore, PLL Digital Tuning
• Ease of Use: Auto Volume Leveller (AVL), AutoPicture, AutoSound, Settings assistant Wizard, Side Control
• Remote Control: TV
• Screen Format Adjustments: 4:3, Movie expand 16:9, Widescreen

Tuner/Reception/Transmission:

• Aerial Input: 75 ohm F-type
• TV system: ATSC, NTSC
• Video Playback: NTSC
• Cable: Unscrambled Digital Cable -QAM
• Tuner bands: Hyperband, S-Channel, UHF, VHF

Connectivity:

• AV 1: Audio L/R in, YPbPr
• Front / Side connections: HDMI v1.3, S-video in, CVBS in, Audio L/R in, Headphone out, USB
• Audio Output – Digital: Coaxial (cinch)
• Other connections: PC Audio in, PC-In VGA
• HDMI 1: HDMI v1.3, Analog audio L/R in
• EasyLink (HDMI-CEC): One touch play, Power status, System info (menu language), System audio control, System standby

Power:

• Ambient temperature: 5 °C to 35 °C
• Mains power: 120V/60Hz
• Power consumption: 70 W
• Standby power consumption: < 0.5 W

Dimensions:

• Set dimensions in inch (W x H x D): 21.6×14.8×3.5 inch
• Set dimensions with stand in inch (W x H x D): 21.6×16.3×7.1 inch
• Weight incl. Packaging (lb): 13.9
• Product weight (lb): 10.2
• Product weight (+stand) (lb): 10.9 lb
• VESA wall mount compatible: 100×100 mm

In the box:

• Philips 22PFL3504D/F7B 22” HDTV
• Remote Control
• Power Cable
• Swivel Stand

Photo inset credit: Never Not Funny

Everyone is getting stupid. Not you or us, obviously. We mean everyone else; and there’s no greater bastion of the coming idiocracy than reality TV. Shows like American Idol, 16 and Pregnant, and especially Jersey Shore not only toll the bell for the dumbing down of the planet, they revel in it, begging you to distract yourself and laugh at the dregs of humanity while you continue to get fatter and dumber and easier to placate so the totalitarian corporate power that rules the world through its control of media can continue to steal our rights while we watch The Bachelor.

Whew, sorry. Blacked out there for a second. Where were we? Oh yeah, reality TV! Since we’re all damned and you’ll never make a dent in the tsunami of stupid, enjoy the show with Jersey Circus…

 

The bit is simple: juxtaposition panels from Bil Keane’s interminably saccharine funny pages mainstay Family Circus with quotes from the putrid soup of humanity on MTV’s Jersey Shore.

The results range from “worth looking at” to eliciting a genuine LOL. There’s something to be said for tickling both our “people still read Family Circus?” and “How can anyone watch Jersey Shore?” bones simultaneously.

And that makes the decline of human civilization easier to swallow.

Don’t Hesitate

In the war between man and machine, there is no time for sentimentality.

“Stay sharp, Scout. This here’s Machine territory. Keep that laser rifle primed and ready for any GAH! Dang, that hurts.”

“Sir, are you going to make it? That wound looks pretty bad.”

“Nonsense. I’m fine. Just stings really good, you hear me?”

“It looks like you’re losing a lot of blood, though.”

“I said I’m fine, Scout. In my time against the mechanical menace, I’ve had worse, I assure you. You just worry about what’s out there. It’s just a couple more miles to the Outpost and I don’t want…”

scoot scoot scoot scoot

“Sir? Sir, I think I hear something.”

“I hear it, too. Over there. Look! It’s… It’s…”

“Aww. It’s an iRobot Scooba Floor Washing Robot! Why, I used to have one just like it before humanity fell to the steel tyrants! Hey there, little guy!”

“Scout, you idiot! Don’t you see? That’s not the same award-winning floor washing robot that used to remove 98% of common household bacteria from your hardwood, tile, and linoleum floors with the touch of a button. That thing is a killer, cold, calculating, and reprogrammed to be a death machine.”

“No way, sir. Not this little wonder. Not even the Robot Hive-Mind could make these things evil. Mine was such a good little ‘bot. I remember the cute way it would scoot around during its 4-stage cleaning process. Did you know one full tank of cleaning solution could wash up to 250 square feet? Gosh, I miss those days. Maybe this little Scooba is just hiding out from the bad ‘bots!”

“They’re all bad ‘bots now, Scout. All but the dead ones.”

“Hey, what’s he got there? Why, it’s a coupon for discounted bonus enzyme liquid for cleaning floors with. Awww. Sir, if there’s a more beautiful phrase in the English language than ‘discounted bonus enzyme liquid”, I’ve never heard it. How could a friendly little ‘bot like that mean any harm?”

“Scout, don’t you get any closer to that thing unless you’re prepared to destroy it. That world where Scooba’s and Roomba’s would clean for humans is over! You don’t know what it’s equipped with now!”

“Probably the same cliff sensing technology that helped it avoid stairs and ledges! See, look! He likes me! Don’t be scared, little buddy. We’ll help you escAAAAGHH! MY EYES! IT JUST SPRAYED ACID INTO MY EYES! OH GOD IT’S SQUEEGEE HAS BEEN REPLACED BY RAZOR BLADES AND THEY’RE TEARING THE FLESH FROM MY BODY! HELP ME, SARGE!”

“I’m coming, Scout! I’m… what’s this? It… it’s a horde of ‘em! Thousands! You fool! You’ve doomed us both!”

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Warranty: 1 Year iRobot

Condition: New

Features:

• Award-winning floor washing robot removes up to 98% of common household bacteria with a touch of a button (when used as directed)
• Ideal for washing smaller floor areas – the Scooba 330 cleans up to 250 square feet or 1-2 rooms on a single battery charge
• Simple operation: fill tank, press the Clean button, empty tank when finished
• Only uses cleaning solution (tap water, water and vinegar or new Scooba Hard Floor Cleaner, Natural Enzyme Formula) to wash floors
• One full tank washes up to 250 square feet
• Works on sealed hardwood, tile and linoleum floors
• Automatically detects carpet edges and will turn away
• Navigates throughout the room using a powerful 4-stage cleaning system: prep, wash, scrub and squeegee
• Autonomous cleaning pattern covers each area an average of 4 times
• Cliff Sensing technology allows Scooba to avoid stairs and ledges
• Cleans beneath cabinet edges, tables, chairs and other hard-to-reach places
• Includes (1) Virtual Wall to mark off-limit areas (requires 2D batteries – not included)

4-Stage Cleaning Process:

1.  Preps – sweeps and picks up dirt, sand and crumbs
2. Washes – uses only clean solution to wash floors (unlike mops that just spread around dirty water)
3. Scrubs – rotating brushes remove dirt, grime and stuck-on messes
4. Squeegees – squeegee lifts dirty water from floors

Additional Photos:

• Underbelly
• Virtual Wall
• Unassembled (Battery Installed)
• Unassembled (Battery Removed)
• Unassembled (Showing Both Base and Top)
• Package Contents
• Packaging

Product Specifications:

• Package Dimensions: 21” x 17” x 5” (L x W x H)
• Package Weight: 15.48 lbs.
• Robot Dimensions: 14.8 inches in diameter, 3.6 inches in height
• Robot Weight: 8.6 lbs.

In the box:

• (1) iRobot Scooba Floor Washing Robot
• (4) Packets of New Scooba Hard Floor Cleaner, Natural Enzyme Formula
• (1) Standard Scooba Battery
• (1) Scooba Power Supply
• (1) Virtual Wall (batteries not included)
• Documentation
• Owner’s Manual

Solely in the public interest – and not at all because I’m personally burdened with a ridiculous debt now several times larger than the amount I borrowed when I was 18 – I humbly direct your attention to this awesome Consumerist infographic on the evolution of the student loan from social-service program to burdensome rip-off.

I understand now that my mistake was running that debt up in pursuit of something frivolous like an education. If I’d done it by buying big-screen TVs and jet skis and Xboxes on a credit card, I could discharge the debt in bankruptcy and skip away scot-free. Plus I’d have a bunch of awesome stuff.

Okay, okay, jeez! Were you all only children or something? Just because we do an HTML5 post once in a while doesn’t mean we like them better. Here’s your little flash game of the day, Brick Hole.

Like Tetris crossed with Tempest, Brick Hole has you stacking shapes in a gravity well that… ah, c’mon, you know what you’re doing by now. Line ‘em up, make ‘em vanish, blah blah blah. The new angle should make it more challenging. Good luck!

To see this right, as far as we can tell, the Arcade Fire want you to be on a 15″ MacBook using Chrome. It’ll still work with Firefox on a 12″ screen, it’s just gonna really start to bug you when the little popping windows start activating. Also, if you’re doing work or anything, that’s probably not gonna fly. But for all you hipsters lounging in the coffee shop who can just focus on this GENIUS piece of ART… hey, enjoy it! The Arcade Fire presents The Wilderness Downtown, an interactive video where you can listen to their music as you see… pictures of your childhood house.

Or your company headquarters, whichever you prefer. More after the jump.

Yes, The Wilderness Downtown is a pretty song, and for people who haven’t been home in years, it might be a fun but complex way to look up the ol’ homestead on Google Maps. But, of course, that’s not the point. The point is to grab you and embed you in a video specifically made for YOU. Exciting, right? Don’t you feel cutting edge? Look at how artistically these pop-ups cover the screen!

If you’re too young to have enjoyed the life-changing experience of Jump and Revolution X, watching The Wilderness Downtown might be YOUR generation’s chance to finally become immersed in the hot water that is gimmick technology, ultimately becoming a great and joyful web-based tea. And then, next year, when they quietly let the domain expire because no one’s watching this difficult video any more, you can say you were on board at the beginning. Remember to make a digital postcard as proof you understand what it means to feel. Here’s ours:

Basically, The Wilderness Downtown will let anyone be a hipster for a day. Except for IE 6 users. Sorry, you guys. Just keep on listening to half the Who.

Thanks to Texas hipster agingdragqueen for the tip!

An Old Joke

Man walks into a bar. Orders an Epson Workforce 600 Wireless AIO Printer soup.

Waiter sets it down and walks away. Man yells out “Waiter! Waiter!” Waiter comes over and says “Yes, sir? Is something wrong with your 5-in-1 printing, copying, scanning, photowork and faxing?”

Man says “Taste this Epson Workforce 600 Wireless AIO Printer soup.”

Waiter says “Oh, maybe you don’t like the flavor of the built-in Wi-Fi and Ethernet to work? Is that the problem? I could have the chef make you something else if you’d like.”

Man says “Just taste this Epson Workforce 600 Wireless AIO Printer soup.”

Waiter says “Is it the way it uses three times less power than a laser printer? Maybe you’d like something that guzzles down more power and raised your bill?”

Man says “Taste the Epson Workforce 600 Wireless AIO Printer soup.”

Waiter says “Oh, could it be the built-in memory card slots? I know some people don’t like built-in memory card slots. Or maybe it’s the 2.5 inch LCD screen. Tell you what, I could just take it back and get the chef to fish those out for you and-”

Man interrupts. “No!” It’s not the built-in memory card or the power footprint or the Wi-Fi or the Ethernet or the 5-in-1 capabilities or any of the other features! Just please, taste this Epson Workforce 600 Wireless AIO Printer soup!”

So the waiter gives up and says he’ll taste the soup. He reaches down, looks around, and then turns the the man and says “Where’s the spoon?”

And the man says “Aha!”

Except instead of a spoon, it’s a USB cable. Sorry about that.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Warranty: 90 Day Epson

Condition: Refurbished

Features:

• 5 in 1 with WiFi: Print / Copy / Scan / Photo / Fax
• Draft speeds up to 38 ppm (black and color)
• Laser quality documents about 2x faster
• Wi-Fi and Ethernet networking built in
• Smudge, fade, water resistant, highlighter friendly
• Uses up to 3x less power than a laser printer
• Fax and 30-page ADF
• Built-in memory card slots and 2.5-inch LCD

Additional Photos:

• Package Contents
• Scanner Bed with Lid Open
• Epson Display Face
• MicroCard Slots / USB / Power
• Ports

Technical Specification

• Printing Technology 4-color (CMYK) drop-on-demand MicroPiezo® ink jet technology
• Ink Palette Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and Black
• Ink Cartridge Configuration 4 individual ink cartridges
• Ink Type DURABrite® Ultra pigment ink (smudge, fade and water resistant, highlighter friendly)
• Fade Resistance / Print Longevity Up to 105 years
• Minimum Ink Droplet Size 3 droplet sizes, as small as 2 picoliters
• Maximum Print Resolution 5760 x 1440 optimized dpi
• Print Speed1 Black text up to 38 ppm
• Color text up to 38 ppm
• Laser quality black text up to 27 ppm
• Laser quality color text up to 19 ppm
• Copy Speed1 Black up to 38 cpm
• Color up to 38 cpm
• Fax Specifications Black-and-white and color
• Modem: 33.6 Kbps — as fast as 3 sec per page
• Memory: Up to 180 pages
• Speed dials: 60 (max.)
• Scanner Type Color flatbed
• Photoelectric Device Color CIS line sensor
• Optical Resolution 2400 dpi
• Hardware Resolution 2400 x 2400 dpi
• Maximum Resolution 9600 x 9600 dpi interpolated
• Scanner Bit Depth 48-bit color / 24-bit output
• Copy Quality Color: Black/White, Draft: Normal
• Copy Quantity 1 – 99 (PC-free)
• Maximum Copy Size 8.5” x 11” (PC-free)
• Copy Features Fit to page, automatic reduction and enlargement (25 – 400%), adjustable copy density
• PC-free Printing Print all photos, photo index sheet, color photo restoration,scan to PDF, scan to memory card, Auto Photo Correction, print your own school papers, college-ruled, wide-ruled and graph papers, personalized stationery with and without lines
• Automatic Document Feeder 30 sheets
• Color Preview Monitor 2.5” tilt LCD
• Built-in Memory Card Slots Compatibility CompactFlash®, Microdrive®, Memory Stick®, Memory Stick Duo™ (adapter required), MagicGate™ Memory Stick, MagicGate Memory Stick Duo™ (adapter required), Memory Stick PRO™, Memory Stick Pro Duo™ (adapter required),Secure Digital (SD™), SDHC™, mini SD™ (adapter required), mini SDHC™ (adapter required),micro SD™ (adapter required), micro SDHC™ (adapter required), MultiMediaCard™, xD-Picture Card™, xD-Picture Card Type-M, xD-Picture Card Type-H
• Direct Camera Connection Front PictBridge port (print from digital cameras and mobile phones, PC-free)
• Supported Digital Camera Technologies Epson PRINT Image Matching®, Exif Print, DPOF
• PC-free Filters and Image Enhancements Auto Photo Correction, sepia, black and white, red-eye removal
• PC-free Paper Support Plain (8.5” x 11”), Photo (4” x 6”, 5” x 7”, 8” x 10”, 8.5” x 11”, 16:9 wide)
• Maximum Paper Size 8.5” x 44”
• Paper Sizes 3.5” x 5”, 4” x 6”, 5” x 7”, 8” x 10”, 8.5” x 11”, A4, B5, A5, A6, half letter, executive, user definable (3.5” – 44” in length)
• Borderless Photo Sizes 3.5” x 5”, 4” x 6”, 5” x 7”, 8” x 10”, 8.5” x 11”, A4, 16:9 wide
• Paper Types Supports plain paper, Epson Bright White Paper, Photo Paper Glossy, Premium Photo Paper Glossy, Ultra Premium Photo Paper Glossy, Premium Photo Paper Semi-gloss, Presentation Paper Matte, Premium Presentation Paper Matte, Premium Presentation Paper Matte Double-sided, and Matte Scrapbook Photo Paper (letter)
• Envelope Types No. 10, DL, C6; plain paper, bond paper, air mail
• Input Paper Capacity 100 sheets plain paper, 10 envelopes
• Recommended Ink Cartridges (Epson recommends using Epson Ink) 97 Extra High-capacity Black or 68 High-capacity Black or 69 Black, 69 Cyan, 69 Magenta, 69 Yellow, 68 Cyan 68 Magenta, 68 Yellow
• Weight and Dimensions (W x D x H) Printing: 18.1” x 22.1” x 12.0” Storage: 18.1” x 13.6” x 9.3”Weight: 18.3 lb.
• Connectivity Hi-Speed USB 2.0
• Wireless Wi-Fi (802.11 b/g) — Compatible with 802.11n
• Wired Ethernet (10/100 Mbps)
• Color Management Auto Photo Correction, Epson Vivid Color™, Adobe RGB and ICM
• Sound Level 39 dB
• Temperature Operating: 50 ° to 95 °F (10 ° to 35 °C) Storage: -4 ° to 140 °F (-20 ° to 40 °C) Relative Humidity Operating: 20 – 80% Storage: 5 – 85% (no condensation)
• Safety Approvals Safety standards UL60950, CSA C22.2 No. 60950 EMI FCC Part 15 subpart B class B, CAN/CSA-CEI/IEC CISPR 22 class B
• Telecom Regulations FCC Part 68 (U.S.A.), IC/CS03 (Canada)
• System Requirements: Operating Systems Windows Vista®, XP, XP Professional x64, 2000 Mac OS® X 10.3.9, 10.4.11 and 10.5.x
• Power Requirements:  Rated voltage: 100 – 120 VAC Rated frequency: 50 – 60 Hz Rated current: 0.6 Am

In the box:

• Epson Workforce 600 Wireless AIO Printer
• Epson 69 cartridges- 1 each of BLACK / YELLOW / CYAN / MAGENTA
• Power Supply Cord
• RJ-45 Ethernet Cable
• RJ-11 Phone Cable
• WorkForce 600 Series Software CD Driver: includes Epson Scan, Arc Soft Print Creations, Abbyy Fine Reader Sprint Plus, Epson Web-To-Page and Epson Information Center
• Instruction Manuals
• (DOES NOT INCLUDE USB CABLE)

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

ROME (UPI) — Mushroom hunting season in Italy is proving fatal for some, with 18 dead, mostly in accidental falls, in 10 days, officials said.

Mushroom hunters are urged to remember not to attempt to jump towards the spinning fire wall until they are sure they won’t land in the lava.

LIVERPOOL, England (UPI) — A toilet reportedly used by former Beatle John Lennon sold for $18,341 to an unnamed bidder at a Beatles convention held in Liverpool, organizers say.

A toilet from Paul McCartney is still available under the name “Wings: Back To The Egg”.

KERNERSVILLE, N.C. (UPI) — A North Carolina collector is auctioning “The Catcher in the Rye” author J.D. Salinger’s toilet on eBay with an asking price of $1 million.

Authorities are offering to take the guy who bought John Lennon’s toilet into protective custody at any time.

ARLINGTON, Va. (UPI) — In the United States, where many people can’t speak English properly, a Washington acting troupe says it will perform Shakespeare in Klingon.

In a related story, somebody’s quite the grumpy bear over at the UPI.

BOULDER, Colo. (UPI) — A distant star U.S. scientists say is “ringing like a bell” could provide clues to other stars that might have planets that might be able to host life.

Scientists added that the star may not have learned to read or write so well, but they still encouraged it to go again and again.

NEW YORK (UPI) — Crude oil prices settled slightly during the Monday, dropping under $75 per barrel after a modest recovery last week.

Classy oil prices said they never discussed such affairs in public.

Today at noon Central time – a scant fifty minutes from now – our team of hilarity-peddlers will take to our @WootLive Twitter account to wring a few more drops of mirth from yet another Apple wingding. Maybe we’ll offer pithy yet scathing commentary on the nature of consumerism today; maybe we’ll just add “in my pants” to everything Jobs says. Either way, satirical brilliance is approximately 65% likely to ensue.

If you’re not following @WootLive yet, congratulations on having better things to do with your life than laugh. What a cold, lonely place your world must be.

As a species we face more decisions now than we ever have in the history of human kind. While our ancestors faced such intellectual challenges as “Will there be more food to the East or West?” or “Is that thing poisonous?” to get through their day, we can sometimes have to make a dozen decisions before the day even starts: what to eat for breakfast, what to wear to work, whether or not to brush your teeth, the list goes on and on. It can lead to paralyzing indecision as you begin to realize you’re willing to do pretty much anything if someone ELSE would just decide. So leave it up to What Could I Do Today…

There’s not much to it. Visit the site and receive a suggestion. If you don’t like it you can always click the screen to receive another one. Don’t worry, the site will never break down and accuse you of being difficult with complaints like, “I already said like 15 things, just pick one!”

Some of the suggestions are more feasible than others, but honestly you’re already looking for something to do so how picky can you really be?

Go get your assignment for the day or let us know in the comments if you’ve got a better way to find something to do.

For The Schwinn

That new guy Chris from Accounts Payable seems to be awful lonely sitting there in the lunch room. Why don’t you go introduce yourself?

Just stroll on up to the seat next to him and give him a hearty “Hey there, buddy!”, then have a seat. “Whatcha got there? Tuna Salad?”

Chris won’t answer. He’ll just keep chewing very slowly, clutching his sandwich with both hands next to his mouth and staring at the same small crack in the wall just like he does everyday. Don’t take offence. It’s tough for new people to come out of their shell. Instead, laugh and say something like “Not much of a talker, huh?” That’ll let him know that you’re committed to this new found friendship for as long as your lunch hour will allow.

“So hey, how are you liking the new gig? You get placed on any committees yet? You know, Tom and Barbara are on MY committee and, lemme tell you, it’s AMAZING.” It doesn’t matter that he probably has no idea who Tom and Barbara are. Letting him know that there are other good people just like you working here might make him a little more at ease.

Or, at least, it would if he’d acknowledge your presence at all. Hmm. This Chris character is proving a tough nut to crack. Better try talking to him about something other than work.

“Yeah, yeah, I hear you, my silent companion. It’s just a job. Puts food on the table and beer in the fridge, am I right? You just slog through it to get to the things you really want to do, that’s what I always say. Me? It’s all about the moment I get out that door, you know? That’s when I really come alive. I get home, crack open a brew, fire up the old comp-u-tron, and ‘troll me some Internets’ or whatever the kids say. You got any hobbies?”

Chris will stop chewing, swallow, and, without looking away from the crack, say, “I like to run.” Success! You totally deserve that pudding cup you stole from your son’s lunch bag this morning.

“Running, huh? You know, my wife always tells me I should be more act…”

“I bought one of those Schwinn Treadmills. Softrak suspension deck, Multi-color Backlit LCD and Dual Window Display, Integrated grip and telemetric heart rate system with an included chest belt, the whole bit. It’s even got a place for me to put a bottle.” It’s kind of amazing the way he tells you all this in a low consistent monotone. You should compliment him on it the moment it stops creeping you out.

“Well, that certainly sounds like quite the fancy…”

“I’M NOT FINISHED.” You may notice the tuna salad seeping out of the edges of his sandwich as his hands ball up into fists. Do not panic. This is probably just how he opens up to new people. Everyone’s different, after all.

“Every night, I turn on the powerful 3.0 horsepower continuous duty motor, flip on the 2-speed blower fan, and I run. But the twenty workout programs? They don’t do anything for me. Not like my memories do.

“Some nights, it’s like I’m fourteen again and I’m racing to the train yard to jump on the next freight out of town and away from Daddy’s fists. Other nights, I’m running at a 12° incline towards the burning car that my fiancee was trapped in, hoping that this might be the time I’m able to free her before it explodes. And then there are the awful nights, the ones where I’m desperately trying to escape that hotel before the cops find that hooker’s body BUT I DIDN’T DO IT, YOU UNDERSTAND, I WAS FRAMED BY THE SAME PEOPLE THAT KILLED MARCIE. YOU BELIEVE ME, RIGHT?”

For the love of everything you hold dear, smile and say “Yes.”

“But I’ll tell you this much. Most nights? Most nights, I’m just running from myself.”

The silence between the two of you after all that will be awkward, sure, but not as much as when he begins to suck the tuna salad off his fingers with a loud slurping sound. That’s when you’ll notice the warm, wet sensation in your groin. Now would probably be the best time to excuse yourself from the lunch table and let Tom and Barbara know you’re not going to make the committee meeting this afternoon. But hey, you’ve made a new friend!

Warranty: 10 Years on Frame, 10 Years on Motor, 2 Years on Parts, 1 Year on Electronics, 90 Day on Wear Parts

Condition: New

Features:

• Powerful 3.0 horsepower continuous duty motor
• Generous walking/running surface area (20” x 58”)
• Softrak suspension deck reduces impact to joints
• Folding convenience with SoftDrop technology
• Multi-color Backlit LCD, Dual Window Display
• Integrated heart rate programming – grip heartrate sensor and wireless chest strap
• 5.4 KHz telemetry enabled wireless chest band heart rate transmitter (battery included)
• Unique 2 speed integrated fan design combines convenience and comfort
• 20 workout programs including 9 course profiles, 4 heart rate controlled programs, 5k and 10k courses, and 2 custom workouts
• Max Incline 12°
• Max Speed 12 MPH
• Magazine rack and bottle holder
• Transport wheels

Exercise Programs:

• Quick Start (Manual Program)
• Profile Courses:
  – 3 Course
  – 3 Circuit
  – 3 Pursuit
• Calorie Goal
• 5K Course
• 10K Course
• 2 Customer User Programs
• Heart Rate Controlled:
  – Target HR
  – 65% Max
  – 75% Max
  – 85% Max

Additional Photos:

• Schwinn Treadmill at Minimum Incline (Horizontal)
• Schwinn Treadmill at Maximum Incline (12°)
• Schwinn Treadmill in Space Saving Position
• Control Panel (Powered On)
• Side Grips, Telemetric Heart Rate System Grips, and Control Panel
• Telemetric Heart Rate System Chest Belt (Included)
• Package Contents

Product Video:

•  Schwinn 860 Treadmill

Product Specifications:

• Number of workout programs: 20
• Maximum speed: 12 mph / 19 kph
• Maximum incline: 12°
• Horsepower: 3.0 HP (CD)
• Heart rate monitor: Grip heartrate sensor; telemetry-enabled with chest strap
• Dimensions: 78” x 34” x 54” (198 cm x 86 cm x 137 cm)
• Surface size: 20” x 58” (51 cm x 147 cm)
• Belt Thickness: 1.4mm
• Frame Type: Folding SoftDrop System
• Machine Weight: 345 lbs (156kg)
• Maximum User Weight: 300 lbs (136 kg)
• Display Type: Multi-color backlit LDC, Dual window
• Integrated Features: SoftTrak deck suspension, Water bottle holders, Switchable from miles to km, Blower fan, Magazine rack, Transport wheels

In the box:

• (1) Schwinn 860 Treadmill

Product Note: Some assembly required. No additional tools needed.

After being transplanted to the Pacific Northwest we can sympathize with an invasive species like the Asian Carp. You’re out of your element, you don’t know anybody, and you’ve got to breed explosively so you can outcompete all the indigenous wildlife while hurdling electric barriers put in place to stop you and slapping strangers in the face along the way.

Now people are so fed up with them that they’ve decided to eat the Asian Carp out of existence. The only problem is no one wants to eat something called an Asian Carp for some reason (racists). So now they’re taking suggestions for a more delicious-sounding name for the fish, but if names like “Kentucky Tuna” are being taken as serious suggestions and not the thinly-veiled sexual euphemisms they obviously are, it made us hopeful we might be able to flood the ballot box. Write your representative today and demand that the Asian Carp be renamed as any one of the far more delicious-sounding species below…

• Guangzhou Gagfish
• Gristle-backed Loach
• Poisonous Razorfin
• Nemo
• Putrid Bloatfish
• Jason Tuna
• I Can’t Believe It’s Not Asian Carp
• Invasive Stranglefish
• Laxative-fleshed Skunkfish
• Sea Penis
• Throat Burr
• Mud-Stuffed Waterbat
• Scaly Mutilator
• Neon Puke Darter
• Spiny Throatlodger
• River Mangler
• Vampiric Herpesbearer
• Orange Scratchy
• Tennessee Turd Burglar
• Pugsucker
• Nanking Doublebone Trout
• Hanoi Chumguppy
• Satan’s Nightmarefish
• Chilean Sea Ass
• GlennBecktopus

Those were our best ideas (as hard as that may be to believe), let us know your favorite in the comments below. While we’re at it, what would you call these things to make them more appealing?

(Thanks to Jeff C. for the Naming Newsletter link that inspired us.)

If you’re one of those people who’ve never been to Reddit, you’ll probably be really surprised by this video right here:

That’s what speedy propellers look like to a Nokia N95 smartphone, and probably, we assume, to all robots. See, technophiles and cyberpunks? Our real peepers are still better at something.

Thirty years ago, America was gripped by the humiliating agony of the Iran Hostage Crisis. There was nothing most of us could do about those 52 Americans held captive in the U.S. embassy in Tehran. But a small force of musicians did what musicians always do in moments of crisis: write topical songs about it that would be forgotten as soon as the whole mess was resolved. Here’s our Iran Hostage Crisis Top 6:

“Storm the Embassy” – Stray Cats (some NSFW lyrics)
Brian Setzer’s a guitar legend and all that, but on the list of public figures I’d turn to for geopolitical analysis he ranks somewhere between Joyce DeWitt and Vinny Testaverde. After this unconvincing litany of swipes at the Iranians, the Russians, and the New York Times, he mercifully limited his future screeds to complaints about disco records on the jukebox. (Interesting note: while this cut appeared on the Cat’s U.K. debut album, it’s one of a handful of songs from their career that have never been officially released in the U.S.)

“Free Flight” – The Exploited (some NSFW lyrics)
I have no idea what position the Exploited are taking on this metal-punk grinder, and not just because of the wizened poodle-punks’ impenetrable Scottish accents. They call on the Ayatollah to let the hostages go. But then it ends with a sarcastic yob-chorus of “The Star-Spangled Banner” punctuated by puking noises. And their next album featured a tune with the gleeful refrain “F*** the USA”. So who knows? Maintaining a towering red mohawk doesn’t leave you much time for working out a coherent ideology.

“A Message to Khomeini” – Roger Hallmark
Complete with phony Arabic chanting, this cornpone novelty number combines the humorous songwriting of a Ray Stevens with the keen political insight of a Ray Stevens. Gags like “Khomeini, you old meanie” and “see how you like walking a mile for a camel-burger” were rancid enough to KO the entire regime. Sadly, there’s no evidence the Ayatollah ever heard it.
Hear it at WFMU’s Beware of the Blog.

“Bomb Iran” – Vince Vance and the Valiants
The pop-song parody is the lowest form of humor – and I should know, I’ve written dozens of them for this very site. At least they get the harmonies right. This same obvious pun would get John McCain into some trouble on the ‘08 campaign trail. It’s one thing to chuckle along with “Vince Vance & the Valiants”, whoever they were. It’s another thing entirely to give them access to the button.

“I Ran From Iran” – Cliche
A catchy power-pop number by an otherwise-unknown L.A. band, “I Ran From Iran” keeps a sense of humor about the grim subject matter: “They built their prosperity by borrowing our technology / And all we asked was a couple barrels of crude / Now they’re kicking our butts out / Say they can do without us / And I think that’s just downright rude.” Some predictable chest-thumping in the last chorus doesn’t detract from the Dr. Demento-baiting frivolity. Alas, as the crisis wore on, Americans were less in the mood to laugh about it.
YouTube embedding has been disabled but you can hear the song here.

“Blow Up The Embassy” – Fearless Iranians from Hell (some NSFW lyrics)
By 1986, the Reagan White House was shipping missiles to the Iranians and Texas punks Fearless Iranians From Hell became the first rock band to weigh in on the other side of the controversy. There was only one actual Iranian in the band, so the plural in the band name is overstated, but lyrics about hijacking planes and killing Marines at least confirm the “Fearless” part. While I have no idea how serious they were, the snarling, spitting, blood-splattered hardcore sound is no joke.

Have I missed anything? Share your favorite rockin’ tunes about this national trauma in the comments section.

Buckin’ Magnets, How Do They Work?

If you’re 14 or older, Buckyballs promise hours of addictive magnetic fun! If you’re 13 or under, they promise fatal intestinal blockages!

When exactly does a child become an adult? Different societies have answered this question with different milestones: when a boy slaughters his first mammoth and drinks its blood, when a girl hosts her first monthly visit from Aunt Rose, when a Vulcan survives for ten days in the desert without food or water.

Now the Consumer Product & Safety Commission has settled it once and for all: a child is an adult when they can be trusted not to accidentally swallow tiny but powerful magnets. This past spring, the CPSC told the Buckyballs people that they had to yank their compulsively play-withable little magnetic to- uh, “desk decorations” to re-label them “Keep Away From All Children”. It seems the previous label of “Ages 13+” did not comply with consumer guidelines that “such powerful magnets are not sold for children under 14”, because even 13-year-olds were liable to swallow them and suffer perforated or blocked intestines. Yep, that year from your 13th birthday to your 14th makes all the difference. “Consumers should take the Buckyballs® high powered magnets away from children under 14 immediately,” quoth the CPSC. Kids swallow the darnedest things!

The rest of us are still free to enjoy Buckyballs at their balliest. Stack them, build with them, marvel at their intense bond and infinite pliability, or just knead them like that mouse in Lenny’s pocket without the tragic results. (Kneading them inside your mouth would lead to a different kind of tragedy.) Deskizens in offices all over this land are, at this very moment, compulsively combining and recombining Buckyballs to escape the dreary lifelessness of their cubicles. Keep them out of your mouth and you should be fine. But for God’s sake, whatever you do, remember to put them away for Bring Your Daughter To Work Day.

Note: We’ve secured more Buckyballs from the manufacturer. If you’re ordering this afternoon, your order will ship outside of our usual 5 business day window (most likely a week from Thursday due to Labor Day) Be sure to check the forum for updates on shipping.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Condition: New

Recommended Ages: 14 Years +

Product Warning: KEEP AWAY FROM ALL CHILDREN! Do not put in nose or mouth. Swallowed magnets can stick together across intestines causing serious infections and death. Seek medical attention if magnets are swallowed or inhaled. Buckyballs should be kept away from electrical or magnetic devices, including but not limited to credit cards, hard drives, or pacemakers. If a Buckyball should become damaged or cracked, discontinue use immediately.

Features:

• Tired of those boring desk toys that only do one thing?
• A whole new breed of adult toys with limitless possibilities is here
• Buckyballs can be shaped, molded, torn apart and snapped together in unlimited ways
• Buckyballs are all about fun and require little more than kneading them in your hands
• Make sculptures, puzzles, patterns, shapes, stick stuff to the fridge, or even invent a new game
• Each set contains 216 powerful Rare Earth Magnets (432 magnets total)
• Each Buckyball has two poles – one side repels, the other attracts
• Each Buckyball is approximately 0.5 cm in diameter
• Includes a BuckyBasics Quick Start Sheet to help you get started making basic shapes
• Featured in Rolling Stone, People, Maxim, Esquire Magazine… people just can’t stop talking about Buckyballs
• See Buckyballs in action! (Click Me)

Additional Photos:

• Woot! Design
  
• Spiral Design
• Package Contents: (2) 216-Piece Buckyballs Sets and (2) Carrying Cases
• Packaging

In the box:

• (2) Maxfield & Oberton 216 Piece Original Buckyballs Sets
• (2) Carrying Cases
• (2) BuckyBasics Quick Start Sheets

Recall Notice: Maxfield & Oberton voluntarily recalled Buckyballs High Powered Magnets earlier this year because their packaging was labeled “Ages 13+” and this did not meet the mandatory toy standard F963-08. The firm received only two reports of injestion and there are no known resulting injuries. For more information: Click Here.

Cool stuff. Tight schedules. Irresistible good looks. Woot and Longshot Magazine have a lot in common. We throw together a gut-bustingly hilarious product description every single day; Longshot throws together a whole magazine (in print, web, and iPad versions) in 48 hours. And we’ve both received some pretty impressive cease-and-desist letters.

So it’s only natural that Longshot take one of their many excellent art submissions and turn it into a t-shirt available only through Shirt.Woot. The design relates to the theme of issue #1, “Comeback”, and you can only see it (and buy it) at the link above.

If you’re not hip to the Longshot groove, please enjoy some selections from Issue Zero on the theme “Hustle”, which was excellent despite the inexplicable rejection of a submission by one of your favorite Woot writers. But hey, under a deadline like that, anybody can make a mistake. We’re honored to partner with you, Longshot, and we wish your mag nothing but the best. Long may you shoot!

It’s Monday. I’ve got nothing. So here’s some really attractive Turkish people singing about Facebook and messaging each other instead of using the chat feature between dance breaks. There also seems to be a curious lack of annoying Farmville updates. Maybe that’s why they’re dancing?

This week marks a big change for the Woot Podcast: We’re going to video!

That’s right, starting today, the Woot Podcast transmogrifies into a once-weekly moving picture presentation you can watch every Monday from the comfort of your own home, cubicle, university library, or anywhere the Internet is found!

This week’s episode features Mortimer & Monte, but future installments may include more “Real Actual Field Tests,” video versions of “Happy Snacking!” recipes, and occasionally even an on-screen appearance by a member of the Podcast Team. (That’ll be a courageous achievement, considering they’re all significantly handicapped in the looks department.)

We didn’t make this change capriciously. Shoot, for almost five years we’ve produced an audio-only podcast, convinced online video was a passing fad. Then we saw that Keyboard Cat, though, and the writing was on the wall. It said “Intrenet vidz r here 2 stay LOLOL!!!!!”

We’re excited to explore the possibilities of another medium, and we hope you’ll enjoy the Woot Podcast 2.0 every bit as much as you did the original, audio-only version. Unless you hated the original, audio-only podcast with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns, in which case we hope you’ll enjoy this version slightly better.

We understand change can be painful, so here’s a coping strategy for those seven or eight of you who were sentimentally attached to the way the Woot Podcast used to be: Simply close your eyes during the video and it’ll seem exactly like the old audio version.

Checking In

Hi there, citizen. My name is R. Scott Franklin and I just became mayor of your house. May I come in?

Sorry, friend. I’m afraid I can’t “get off your porch” before you “call the cops”. As you can clearly see by taking a look at my phone, I have a duty to this house to fulfill. Now, if you’ll excuse me…

Yikes. Already I can see we’re going to have to work at streamlining the infrastructure around here. Your furniture is sprawling out of control. Looks like you’ve got some traffic problem getting in and out of the bathroom over here. Let’s take a look in the fridge. Oh my. I don’t know how anyone could expect small businesses to put roots down in this house without a decent place to get something to eat. Looks like I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me.

First things first, though. We need to start getting more people interested in bringing their resources into your home. By the looks of your entertainment center, I imagine tourism around here is negligible at best, huh? No worries. As my first act as mayor, I’m going to authorize the purchase of a Sanyo 52” HDTV to help turn this house around. With all the sporting events, movies, and other media you’ll be able to watch on this Full HD 1080p LCD high-definition television, I’m willing to bet visitors will start coming by in droves. All we need is a few digital components to connect via the 3 HDMI inputs and some digital cable and this wall-mountable wonder will help us turn things around here in no time. And now that I’m thinking about it, we may want to grab a slightly smaller Sanyo HDTV for Bedroom County. I’m sure the budget can handle it. If not, I’ll just raise taxes.

Now then, let’s get started on our first budgetary committee meeting so that I can see what I’m dealing with. Where do you keep your account records? Please, sir. Enough with the threats. I know you may not have voted for me, but let’s not make this any more difficult. I’d really hate to become mayor of your face.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Condition: Refurbished

Features:

• 52” Diagonal Full HD 1080p LCD
• Refresh Rate: 120 Hz
• Integrated Digital Clear QAM ATSC + Analog NTSC Tuner
• Receives ATSC signal formats (including 480i/p, 720p and 1080i/p) converted to 1080p display
• 3D Y/C Digital Comb Filter
• 3 HDMI (High Definition Multimedia Interface) input
• Satellite and external antenna hookups
• Thin space saving design and small footprint
• V-Guide Parental Control
• USB input
• Vesa 400 x 400 Wall Mountable

Specifications

• Energy Star compliant
• Power: 120v AC, 60hz
• Power Consumption: 240 Watts UL Rated
• Native Panel Resolution: 1920 x 1080p pixels(WXGA)
• Picture Brightness: 500 cd/m2
• Contrast Ratio: 5000:1
• Response Time: 6 ms
• Viewing Angle: H:178 x V:178

Additional Features:

• Digital Scanning Display: Receives ATSC signal formats (including 480i/p, 720p and 1080i/p) converted to 1080p display
• Television Systems: NTSC, ATSC and Clear QAM
• 191 Total Channels
• Universal 54 key remote control
• Aspect ratio (Pix Shape): 7 (Pix 1-7)
• 7-Picture Menu:(5 Preset, Manual, Advanced Manual)
• Comb Filter: 3D Y/C
• Digital Noise Reduction
• Dynamic Contrast (adjustment in Menu)
• Expanded DNR
• V Sharpness
• Edge Enhancer
• White Balance
• 3:2 Pull down
• XDS Extended Data Service
• Clock On Timer
• On Screen Help Menu
• RF Antenna Input: Analog/Digital-75 ohm
• Speakers: Two (front) 6 x 12 cm
• Sound Amplifier: Built in 10 W/ch
• MTS/SAP Stereo Sound
• Digital Audio Service (other languages if available)
• 4-Sound Menu: (Auto Preset, Standard Preset, Manual, Advanced Manual)
• Bass/Treble Control
• 4-Band Equalizer
• Closed Caption Compliant: NTSC-608, ATSC-708CC
• Detachable Stand / Vesa 400 x 400 Wall Mountable (with optional kit not supplied)

Inputs:

• 3 HDMI (High Definition Multimedia Interface) input
• 2 Component (Y-Pb-Pr with R/L audio) inputs
• 1 PC-VGA D-Sub 15 pin with Mini Audio input
• 1 S-Video Input (overrides composite input)
• 1 Composite Input (V,L/R)
• 1 USB (with Photo Viewer)
• 1 Coaxial Digital Audio Output
• 1 Fixed Analog Audio Out (R/L)

Dimensions:

• With stand: 49.7”W x 34.4”H x 141.6”D, 67.0 lbs.
• Without stand: 49.7”W x 32.4”H x 5.0”D, 61.1 lbs

Additional Photos:

• Sanyo 52″ – Side View
• Sanyo 52″ – Inputs
• Remote Control

In the box:

• Sanyo 52” 1080p 120Hz LCD HDTV
• Remote
• Users Guide

Inset photo credit: nanpalmero

But Doctor… I Am A 10” Netbook

Uh, hey, everybody. Come on down to Clinically Depressed Freddy’s for my big netbook blowout. Or don’t, whatever. What difference does it make?

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Warranty: 90 Day Manufacturer

Condition: Refurbished

Specifications:

Acer AOD250-1341 Purple N270 or Acer AOD250-1197 Blue N270 Netbook

• Intel Atom Processor N270 (1.6GHz, 533MHz FSB, 512KB L2 Cache)
• Genuine Windows 7 Starter Operating System
• 1024MB DDR2 533MHz SDRAM Single Channel Memory
• 250GB SATA hard drive
• 6-Cell Lithium-Ion (5200mAh)
• Integrated Intel Graphics Media Accelerator 950 and Mobile Intel G945GSE Express Chipset
• 802.11b/g Wi-Fi CERTIFIED
• 10.1” TFT LCD High-Brightness LED-backlit (1024X600 resolution) Display
• Three USB 2.0 Ports
• VGA Connector Port
• Keyboard with Multi-Gesture Touchpad
• Multi-in-1 Digital Media Card Reader (Memory Stick, Memory Stick Pro, MultiMediaCard, Secure Digital, xD-Picture Card)
• 10/100 Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 Port)
• Built-In Speakers, Integrated Digital Microphone, Headphone (with Dolby Headphone Technology), Line Out Jack
• Integrated Webcam
• Weighs 2.8 lbs
• Dimensions: 1” (H) X 10.2” (W) X 7.2” (D)

Additional Photos:

• Acer AOD250-1341 Purple N270 Netbook
• Acer AOD250-1341 Purple N270 Netbook Detail
• Acer AOD250-1341 Purple N270 Netbook Left Profile
• Acer AOD250-1341 Purple N270 Netbook Right Profile
• Acer AOD250-1341 Purple N270 Netbook Keyboard
• Acer AOD250-1197 Blue N270 Netbook
• Acer AOD250-1197 Blue N270 Netbook Detail
• Acer AOD250-1197 Blue N270 Netbook Left Profile
• Acer AOD250-1197 Blue N270 Netbook Right Profile

===============================

eMachine EM250-1162 Black N270 Netbook

• Intel Atom N270 processor (1.60 GHz speed, 533 MHz FSB, 512 KB L2 cache)
• Genuine Windows 7 Starter Operating System
• 1 GB of DDR2 533MHz memory (Expandable to 2GB)
• 250GB SATA hard drive (5400 rpm)
• 10.1” widescreen LED-backlit display
• 3-Cell Lithium-Ion
• Integrated Intel Graphics Media Accelerator 950
• 802.11b/g Wi-Fi CERTIFIED
• 10.1” Widescreen LED-backlit (1024X600 resolution) Display
• Three USB 2.0 Ports
• VGA Connector Port
• Keyboard with Touchpad
• Multi-in-1 Digital Media Card Reader (Memory Stick, Memory Stick Pro, MultiMediaCard, Secure Digital, xD-Picture Card)
• 10/100 Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 Port)
• Built-In Speakers, Integrated Digital Microphone, Headphone (with Dolby Headphone Technology), Line Out Jack
• Integrated Webcam
• Kensington Lock Slot
• Weighs 2.44 lbs
• Dimensions: 1” (H) X 10.1” (W) X 7.2” (D)

Additional Photos:

• eMachine EM250-1162 Black N270 Netbook
• eMachine EM250-1162 Black N270 Netbook Detail
• eMachine EM250-1162 Black N270 Netbook Left Profile
• eMachine EM250-1162 Black N270 Netbook Right Profile
• eMachine EM250-1162 Black N270 Netbook Keyboard

===============================

Gateway LT2104U Black N450 Netbook

• Intel Atom Processor N450 (1.66GHz, 677MHz FSB, 512KB L2 Cache)
• Genuine Windows 7 Starter Operating System
• 1024MB DDR2 533MHz SDRAM Single Channel Memory
• 250GB SATA hard drive
• 6-Cell Lithium Ion (4400mAh)
• Integrated Intel Graphics Media Accelerator 3150 and Mobile Intel NM10 Express Chipset
• 802.11b/g/n Wi-Fi CERTIFIED
• 10.1” SD WSVGA High Brightness LED-backlit (1024X600 resolution) Display
• Three USB 2.0 Ports
• VGA Connector Port
• Keyboard with Multi-Gesture Touchpad
• Multi-in-1 Digital Media Card Reader (Memory Stick, Memory Stick Pro, MultiMediaCard, Secure Digital, xD-Picture Card)
• 10/100 Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 Port)
• High Definition Audio Support, BUilt-IN Speakers, Microphone, Headphone (with Dolby Headphone Technology), Speaker, Line Out Jack
• Integrated Webcam
• Weighs 2.76 lbs
• Dimensions: .99” (H) X 10.17” (W) X 8.04” (D)

Additional Photos:

• Gateway LT2104U Black N450 Netbook
• Gateway LT2104U Black N450 Netbook Detail
• Gateway LT2104U Black N450 Netbook Left Profile
• Gateway LT2104U Black N450 Netbook Right Profile
• Gateway LT2104U Black N450 Netbook Keyboard

===============================

Asus 1005HAB-RBLK001S Black N270 Netbook

• Intel Atom Processor N270 (1.6GHz, 533MHz FSB, 512KB L2 Cache)
• Genuine Windows 7 Starter Operating System (32-Bit)
• 1024MB DDR2 533MHz SDRAM Single Channel Memory (Expandable to 2GB)
• 250GB SATA hard drive (5400 RPM)
• 3-Cell Lithium-Ion (5200mAh)
• Integrated Intel Graphics Media Accelerator 950
• 802.11b/g/n Wi-Fi CERTIFIED
• 10.1” WSVGA LED-backlit (1024X600 resolution) Display
• Three USB 2.0 Ports
• VGA Connector Port
• Keyboard with Touchpad
• Multi-in-1 Digital Media Card Reader (MultiMediaCard, Secure Digital, Secure Digital High Capacity)
• 10/100 Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 Port)
• Built-In Speakers, Integrated Digital Microphone, Headphone (with Dolby Headphone Technology), Line Out Jack
• Integrated 1.3 MP Webcam
• Weighs 2.8 lbs
• Dimensions: 1” (H) X 10.3” (W) X 7.0” (D)

Additional Photos:

• Asus 1005HAB-RBLK001S Black N270 Netbook
• Asus 1005HAB-RBLK001S Black N270 Netbook Detail
• Asus 1005HAB-RBLK001S Black N270 Netbook Left Profile
• Asus 1005HAB-RBLK001S Black N270 Netbook Right Profile
• Asus 1005HAB-RBLK001S Black N270 Netbook Keyboard

==============================

In the box:

• 10.1” Netbook with 250GB Hard Drive and Windows 7 (Choose Model)
• Netbook Battery
• Power Adapter and Cable

Inset credit: House of Sims

Inset credit: TheBusyBrain

Inset credit: e-MagineArt.com

Inset credit: Joseph Gray

Inset credit: Stephen Brace

Somebody’s got to clean this floor.

This cabana is filthy.

Its name is Roomba, it is a vacuum
It picks up feathers and pet hair, rolls around the floor down there
A harmless robot it will pick up stuff
And while you never ever clean you can count on this machine
Across your filthy floor, picks up dirt dust and more
You are young and you hate to do chores
Who could ask for more?

Buy this Roomba (Roomba!) Roomba Vacuum-a (Roomba vacuum-a!)
We promise you won’t get a tumor
From this Roomba (Roomba!) Roomba Vacuum-a
You need a vacuum to take care of your room
Get this Roomba
You’ll fall in love
(Roomba vacuum-a)

Yes it’s a refurb, so it’s no diamond
But you can watch it from your chair, see your Roomba vacuum there
And when it’s finished, goes back to Home Base
But you don’t even have to care, it won’t go sailing down stairs
It senses drop-offs too, it might bump into you
If you lie motionless on the floor
But why would you

Buy this Roomba (Roomba!) Roomba Vacuum-a (Roomba vacuum-a!)
We promise you won’t get a tumor
From this Roomba (Roomba!) Roomba Vacuum-a
You need a vacuum to take care of your room
Get this Roomba
You’ll fall in love
(Roomba vacuum-a
Roomba, Roomba vacuum-a
Roomba vacuum-a
Aaaaaah
Aaaaaah
Aaaaaah
Aaaaaah)

(Aaaaaaaaaah
Roomba, Roomba vacuum-a
Promise no tumor
Roomba vacuum-a
You need a vacuum to take care of your room)

Its name is Roomba, it is a vacuum
It sucks up large and small debris, it’s perfect for you and me
It filters pollen, also dust bunnies
It will clean entire floors, under furniture ‘round doors
You will feel so refined
Better deal you won’t find
Now while your Roomba is handling cleaning
You can drink yourself blind

Buy this Roomba (Roomba!) Roomba Vacuum-a (Roomba vacuum-a!)
We promise you won’t get a tumor
From this Roomba (Roomba!) Roomba Vacuum-a
You need a vacuum to take care of your room
Get this Roomba
You’ll fall in love

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Warranty: 90 Day iRobot

Condition: Refurbished

Features:

• Efficiently vacuums dirt, debris, pet hair, dust, allergens and more from carpets and hard floors
• Counter rotating Bristle Brush and Beater Brush work together like a dustpan and broom
• Sturdy Bristle Brush digs deep into carpet fibers to grab dirt, debris, pet hair and more
• Powerful vacuum sucks large and small debris into the large, bag-less bin
• Fine filter traps dust, pollen and tiny particulate inside the bin
• Cleans the whole floor, under and around furniture, into corners and along wall edges
• Detects dirtier areas and spends more time cleaning them
• Spot Clean provides quick clean-up of spills and concentrated messes
• Automatically senses and avoids stairs and other drop-offs
• Simple operation—just press the Clean button and Roomba does the rest
• Automatically returns to its self-charging Home Base® to dock and recharge between cleanings
• Faster counter-rotating brushes with improved design pick up more hair and debris and are easier to remove and clean
• Improved filter captures more dust and allergens while a larger bin holds more debris
• Improved anti-tangle technology keeps Roomba from getting stuck on cords, carpet fringe and tassels
• Improved sidebrush makes Roomba even more efficient at cleaning edges and corners

Additional Photo:

• Underbelly
• In Home Base with Virtual Wall
• Virtual Wall
• Package Contents
  

In the box:

• (1) iRobot Roomba 530
• (1) Virtual Wall 
• (1) Self-charging Home Base
• (1) Power Supply (3 hour charge time)
• (1) Rechargeable Battery
• (1) Filter

People are always saying you should stop and smell the roses, but have you ever actually tried? Roses are pretty particular about when they smell nice as opposed to smelling like dead flowers. Plus they tend to attract bees. Bees, of all things! Like you’re going to risk putting your nose anywhere near something that can sting. No thank you. Get your digital Mendel on instead with Rare Breeds: Petunia.

Slow down and take your time. All you’ve got to worry about is breeding pretty flowers. There’s no timer. You win no points. You’ll receive no honey bee powerups and you’ll have no lawnmowers to dodge.

Each flower has its own unique genetic code that will mix and blend with other flowers. Copy codes for flowers you like and save them for later to mix with other winners from your garden. Sure, you can’t smell ‘em, but they don’t have any bees, either.

This clip starts as a cheerful ditty about potato salad, then takes an unsettling turn into Tod Browning territory. Make sure you watch until the end for the Ross Sisters’ grand finale. You know what they say: the family that contorts their bodies beyond the limits of known human physiology together stays together. We’re just glad the potato salad cartel had the product-placement budget to make all this possible.

(Thanks, Fipi Lele!)

The First Party Weekend

Oh, what’s up, Darkleaf Zonspur. C’mon in, me and Thunderhelm are in the den.

Yeah, I know, we were supposed to meet you at the Three Crowns Inn but we went there and it was closed! It’s never closed! Every Friday night, for the past four years, we’ve been at that Three Crowns Inn! Guess it was due, though, right? Anyway, we found this refurbished Philips 32” 720p LCD HDTV so it’s cool. We’ll just have a quiet night in. Got some chips, gonna get a pizza, it’ll be fun!

No, I don’t know what to watch. Everything looks good on a 1366 x 768p HD LCD screen. I mean, they do make larger versions but it’s all going to be new to us, right? C’mon, take a seat. Hey, can you remember the last time we had a Friday night to ourselves? In fact, as I think about it, we’ve been so active since roughly the middle of June. Every night, all of us together, chasing after that magic orb. I bet that magic orb doesn’t have built-in Dolby Digital though. Even still, it’ll be nice when we finally get those last two pieces.

Here, have some of this ale that I swiped from the tavern. Can you believe that no one was there? I didn’t even have to make a Dexterity check! It was like nobody was in charge! I could have done anything! Cheers, Darkleaf! Mmm, good stuff. Say, the Philips 32” 720p LCD HDTV also has 3 HDMI ports in case we want to watch a Blu-Ray instead. Yeah, our bard isn’t here tonight to tell us any stories. Hey, Thunderhelm, what do you want on your pizza? What do dwarves eat on pizza? Do dwarves eat pizza? Anybody know? Go look that up and tell me what you want.

No, no, Darkleaf, the bard’s not dead, he’s just away. I heard through the grapevine he was off with a different group all of a sudden. Word on the street is he was teleported into some vampire kingdom. Yeah, I heard they called it “State U”. Crazy world, right? Good luck to him, though. A man’s got to follow his destiny, and if it takes him away from his life-long friends, well, so be it. At least he’s got something to do. I wish I knew why that inn was closed!

What’s that, Darkleaf? You were at the Forgotten Character Home today? Man, why were you over there with those old guys? Oh, Darkleaf, honestly. You can’t believe those bitter old vets and their stories. I mean, “college”? Not only is that name totally unrealistic, it’s also a crazy idea. We’ve been together four years straight, right? We were level one when we started. You’ve been resurrected nine times. Nine! If there are forces out there in control of our destiny, why would they suddenly all walk away and leave us behind after all that effort? You think they’re just going to forget about it?

Look, it’s just a slow night, is all. Let’s just enjoy this rare chance to watch our lovely Philips 32” 720p LCD HDTV and not worry about the crap those old guys say. I mean, we’ve only got one more piece of the orb left, and who could walk away from that? Plus then we’ve got to find the people who made it, and then we’ve got to stop them all to save the universe, and that’s at least five more years of work. What sort of person could walk away from that, especially because of some made up place called “college”?

That inn will be open next week, Darkleaf. You’ll see. This is just one crazy night. Hey, Thunderhelm, you figured it out yet? What? Pineapple and anchovy? Are you kidding me? Man, dwarves are weird.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Warranty: 90 Day P & F

Features:

• HD LCD display with a 1366 x 768p resolution
• WXGA display produces brilliant flicker-free progressive scan pictures with optimum brightness and superb colors
• Digital Crystal Clear for detail depth and clarity – digitally adjusts and optimizes picture quality to optimal contrast, color and sharpness levels
• Dolby Digital output for connection to a home theatre system
• Incredible Surround for enhanced audio enjoyment – dramatically magnifies the sound field to in immerse you in the audio using state-of-the-art electronic phase shifting
• (3) HDMI inputs with Easylink for HD connection
• PC input (HDMI) – use your TV as a PC monitor
• Energy Star qualified for energy efficiency and low power consumption
• Built-in light sensor automatically measures the viewing room’s ambient lighting and adjusts the television’s backlight for power efficiency

Additional Photos:

• Philips 32” 720p LCD HDTV with Remote
• Remote Control
• Side Controls
• Rear Video and Audio Ports

Product Specifications:

Picture/Display

• Aspect ratio: Widescreen
• Panel resolution: 1366 x 768p
• Brightness: 380 cd/m²
• Contrast ratio (typical): 2500:1
• Dynamic screen contrast: 10000:1
• Response time (typical): 8 ms
• Diagonal screen size: 32 inch / 81 cm
• Visible screen diagonal (inch): 31.5 cm
• Viewing angle: 170° (H) / 170° (V)
• Picture enhancement: Digital Crystal Clear, 3/2-2/2 motion pull down, 3D Combfilter, Digital Noise Reduction, Dynamic contrast enhancement, Progressive scan

Supported Display Resolution
Computer Formats (Resolution @ Refresh Rate)

• 640 x 480 @ 60Hz
• 720 x 480 @ 60Hz
• 800 x 600 @ 60Hz
• 1024 x 768 @ 60Hz
• 1280 x 768 @ 60Hz
• 1360 x 768 @ 60Hz

Video Formats (Resolution @ Refresh Rate)

• 480i @ 60Hz
• 480p @ 60Hz
• 720p @ 60Hz
• 1080i @ 60Hz

Sound

• Equalizer: 5-bands
• Output power (RMS): 2 x 10W
• Sound Enhancement: Virtual Surround Sound
• Sound System: Dolby Digital (AC-3), Stereo, SAP

Loudspeakers

• Built-in speakers: 2

Convenience

• Child Protection: Child Lock+Parental Control
• Clock: Sleep Timer
• Ease of Installation: Autostore
• Ease of Use: Auto Volume Leveller (AVL), AutoPicture, AutoSound, Settings assistant Wizard, Side Control
• Remote Control: TV
• Screen Format Adjustments: 4:3, 16:9, Normal, Zoom, Full, Movie Expand, Wide, unscaled (dot by dot)

Tuner/Reception/Transmission

• Aerial Input: 75 ohm F-type
• TV system: ATSC, NTSC
• Video Playback: NTSC
• Tuner bands: UHF, VHF

Connectivity

• AV 1: Audio L/R in, YPbPr
• AV 2: Audio L/R in, CVBS, S-Video
• HDMI 1: HDMI, Analog audio L/R in
• HDMI 2: HDMI
• HDMI 3: HDMI
• Audio Output – Digital: Coaxial (cinch)
• Other connections: Analog audio Left/Right out
• USB: 1 USB
• EasyLink (HDMI-CEC): One touch play, Power status, System info (menu language), System audio control, System standby

Power

• Main power: 120V/60Hz
• Power consumption: 145 W
• Standby power consumption: < 0.5 W
• Ambient temperature: 5°C to 35°C (41°F to 95°F)

Dimensions

• Set dimensions (W x H x D): 30.8 x 20.3 x 3.8 inch
• Set dimensions with stand (W x H x D): 30.8 x 22.5 x 8.7 inch
• Product weight: 19.2 lbs.
• Product weight with stand: 20.8 lbs.
• Box dimensions (W x H x D): 35.9 x 24.8 x 9.0 inch
• Weight including packaging: 26.1 lbs.
• VESA wall mount compatible: 200 x 200 mm

In the box:

• (1) Philips 32” 720p LCD HDTV
• (1) Table Top Stand
• (1) Power Cord
• (1) Quick Start Guide
• (1) User Manual
• (1) Remote Control
• (1) Registration Card

Inset photo credit: benimoto

I’ll be honest. I did a lot of things for money as a teenager I’m not proud of, including, but not limited to, passing out breadsticks to snickering friends or dancing around in a mouse suit for the entertainment of children. But if I had walked into The Freckled One’s Squared-Burger House on my first day and been forced to watch these orientation videos, I might have run for the door, car insurance be damned.

I can’t be certain, but I think they stole that bassline from Paula Abdul. And I can only assume that the noise she makes at 1:08 is some kind of strange company mating call. Who knows?

Of course, that’s got nothing on the way Mr. Hot Drinks attempts to seduce you as he sings about the proper way to prepare coffee.

I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like having sit there in your uniform and visor and not be horrified. Then again, most people can’t imagine having to lube up a kid’s hand to get it unstuck from a skeeball machine, so I guess we’re even.

[Thanks to superbadgirl for the links!]

Some of you might be too young to remember, but back in the 1970s, children used to go outside. In fact, children used to go outside without any supervision at all. They’d ride bikes, explore the woods, use toy guns… and no one thought it was strange! They called it “play” and it was considered to be an important part of growing up.

Today, of course, a bunch of kids leaping off cliffs and climbing trees and holding a camera would probably end with one of them tazed and the rest at Child Services waiting for the MPAA. But in the 1970s, nobody cared! And that’s why this seven minute version of King Kong exists:

Now, we’ll warn you, there’s also a Star Trek and a really fantastic adaptation of Alien, so either these kids were quite prolific or there’s something else going on. And it’s the Internet, so you never can tell when some viral mastermind is going to break your heart. But, whatever. We’re going to trust this time. Because even if it turns out to be fake, it’s still kinda cool.

We found it at Ain’t It Cool News. They found it at Easy Dreamer.

Live From The Borscht Asteroid Belt, Again

Ladies, gentlemen, and blxnzxii, please give a warm, slimy Betelgeusean welcome to the filthiest insult comic in the galaxy: Frank Blrgrooool!

Thank you, thank you. I can feel the warmth in this room. Anybody awake in here? It’s like my wife’s znifnorx on our wedding night! Somebody roll me over when it’s my turn to f’glurg’og, am I right? Ah, but I love playing Betelgeuse-9, I really do. Every time I come here I have the happy thought that maybe Thisbe doesn’t smell so bad!

Hey, look who we have with us in the audience tonight: the Dell Inspiron 17” Notebook! Get him another round, waitress, his xorxx membranes are starting to dry out! This guy, we go way back. I’m not saying he’s got an ego, but when he walks into a room, he expects everybody to kiss his 500 GB hard drive. What’s worse is, he keeps it in his t’khhorkhll! And ugly? Whew! This guy makes Emperor Uqqrowxx look like Jude Law! Hey, Inspiron, can I borrow your face? My vrqurq is going on vacation!

Oh, and that Multiformat DVD±RW/CD-RW drive, that sounds real nice – if he’s not too sloshed to keep from crashing it into a space-tree! This guy drinks the way a Venusian makes snrkulnrk: with all three tentacles at once! Nah, but seriously, folks, he’s a good guy, Dell Inspiron 17” Notebook. He’s good for home multimedia, he’s good for video chatting, he’s good for creating customized CDs and DVDs. And for 20 quaxols, he’ll let you uuzquuox his sister’s xhoxhl! You can’t even get a deal like that on Neptune!

Ooh, you Neptunians don’t like that, huh? What, have your prices gone up? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I must take my bow. My wife’s going to see her mother on Ceres and my barnaxx are due back in her purse! Thank you! G’night!

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

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Warranty: 90 Day Dell

Features:

• Intel Core i5-430M Processor with Intel Turbo Boost Technology
• 4GB memory for multi-tasking capabilties
• Multiformat DVD±RW/CD-RW drive with double-layer support
• 17.3” WLED high-definition plus widescreen display
• 500 GB hard drive for plenty of storage space
• HDMI output for connection to an HDTV
• Built-in 1.3MP webcam to stay in touch with family and friends
• Convenient 7-in-1 media reader
• Full keyboard with numeric pad

Additional Photos:

• Laptop Cover
  
• Side View (Left)
  
• Side View (Right)
  
• Front View
  

Product Specifications:

• Operating System: Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium Edition 64-bit
• Processor: Intel Core i5-430M processor
• Processor Speed: 3MB cache and 2.26GHz processor speed with Turbo Boost up to 2.53GHz
• System Memory:4GB DDR3 SDRAM memory (expandable up to 8GB)
• Optical Drive: Dual-layer DVD±RW/CD-RW
• Display Type: High-definition plus WLED
• Screen Size: 17.3”
• Hard Drive: 500 GB Serial ATA hard drive (5400 rpm)
• Graphics: Intel HD
• Speakers: Built-in stereo speakers
• Video Output: HDMI output
• 7-in-1 media reader: Supports Secure Digital, MultiMediaCard, xD-Picture Card, Memory Stick, Memory Stick PRO, MultiMediaCard Plus, High Density Secure Digital and Secure Digital High Capacity formats
• USB 2.0 Ports: 4
• Built-in Dell 1520 wireless LAN card
• Wireless Networking: Wireless-B+G+N
• Networking: Built-in 10/100 Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 connector)
• Battery Type: 6-cell lithium-ion
• Battery Life: Up to 4 hours
• Weight: 6.4lbs
• Dimensions: 16.5” x 10.9” x 1.3” (L x W x Thickness)

In the box:

• (1) Dell Inspiron Laptop with Intel Core i5 Processor (Color: Black Obsidian)
• (1) AC Power Cord
• (1) Owner’s Manual

Inset credit: cosmobc

The problem with building a machine to ensure everyone has good dreams is you never know when it’s going to up and break down and terrorize everyone with nightmares. Luckily for everyone, you’re just the adorable spaceman to solve that problem in The Dreamerz. 

It’s a pretty standard point and click adventure game; you navigate multiple planetary worlds (similar to Super Mario Galaxy) finding dream balls and other doo-dads to help you on your quest to repair the dream machine while some abstract background music repeats ad nauseum.

The more easily-frustrated might seek out a walkthrough or FAQ, but these types of games are never fun to just blow right through. The thrill is in the discovery!

Seriously though, you may want to mute the volume after awhile. The music is pretty annoying.

Hey, wouldn’t it be awesome if we hid a coupon code in a podcast that only worked once, so the first wooter to try it got today’s product free? And then wouldn’t it be awesome if the whole idea actually worked as planned? Well, we managed to get the first part right in today’s Wootcast, “I Sliced an Avocado”. If you sat through four-and-a-half of the dopiest, most inane minutes of novelty music this side of Rednex, you heard the coupon code. But if you tried to use it, well, that’s where things broke down. Note to coders: the difference between an empty string and a null string is surprisingly significant.

What to do, what to do? Since nobody else has a stronger claim and it’d be a shame to let a perfectly good AVOCADOBUTT go to waste, we’re awarding the coupon code (and hence, the free Ecomposter) to a wooter by the name of chris12345 (pictured at left). He was the first Wootcast listener to post a comment on the podcast discussion thread, so if this somewhat arbitrary choice offends your sense of fair play, consider it a reward for participating in the Woot forums.

chris12345 says he’s been listening to the Wootcast since early 2009 because “It’s usually funny, and Matthew has a nice voice.” His favorites are the many Shanties of Bluetooth – but even that kind of experience doesn’t prepare one for an onslaught of irritation like “I Sliced an Avocado”. How’d you endure it, chris12345? “I was reading through some things on Deals.Woot at the time,” he reports. “It may have distracted me just enough that I still got the gist of the podcast without my brain turning to mush.” Deals.Woot: protecting brains from Wootcast-induced mushification since 2009.

But remember, chris12345, if you ever do find your brain going mushy, don’t just flush it down the toilet like most people would. Put it to good use with your brand-new Ecomposter!

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

LONDON (UPI) — North Korea has opened a Facebook account after its Twitter Internet feed was blocked for containing information illegal in the south, a report says.

A spokesperson for North Korea said that they will be allowed to keep this account, provided the U.N. always knows the password and it doesn’t interfere with schoolwork.

WASHINGTON (UPI) — The world is running out of helium, a resource that cannot be renewed, and supplies could run out in 25 to 30 years, a U.S. researcher says.

Government officials urge the public to remain calm but balloon filling clowns are openly afraid for their lives.

PHOENIX (UPI) — Dozens of mothers breastfed their infants at a Phoenix McDonald’s protesting the eviction of a woman doing the same, observers say.

Dietitians say this could be the very first time dozens of people got some nutrition at a McDonald’s.

ROME (UPI) — The Mafia in Italy used a popular soccer show on Italian state television as a way to get messages to imprisoned gang bosses, a former prosecutor says.

The conclusion of this practice means that Giovanni Goooooooaaaaaaaldberg no longer has to live in fear.

NEW YORK, (UPI) — A new book says President Clinton was one of the smartest men to ever occupy the White House but had an immature attitude when it came to sex.

Sources say that the former President, to this day, will still giggle when talking about Dick Armey.

VINEYARD HAVEN, Mass. (UPI) — Republicans questioned whether U.S. President Barack Obama should be vacationing for nine days in Vineyard Haven, Mass. at a time of war and economic distress.

Presidental historians agreed, saying that in rough times, the traditional vacation destination has always been Texas.

DALIAN, China (UPI) — A Chinese ocean park has announced the first successful hatching of an emperor penguin.

Penguin experts say that the hatchling has already begun work on an adorable little Golden Throne and some penguin power-armor.

Some days it’s all you can do to trudge out to your car because you know, you just KNOW traffic is going to completely suck. Maybe your commute is a breezy 20 minutes; maybe it’s a soul-crushing hour and a half. Regardless, you can rest assured that almost everyone in Beijing has it worse.

See, China’s had a 60-mile-long traffic jam for the last 11 days now. Now the good news is things are starting to improve: cars have started to move up to a half-mile a day recently. Which means someone stuck back around the 58 mile mark is only going to be about half a year late for work; and we’re betting the boss is going to have a hard time believing that story.

Which kind of begs the question: who the hell is staying on this highway? Is there not an off-ramp? Are people getting on the road each day, realizing they made no progress, and driving home only to try again tomorrow? What sort of investment would it take to open a convenience store on this road?

You think being stuck in traffic flipping through commercials and “wacky” morning DJs is bad; try a week and a half straight of Crazy Zhang the Panda and the Beijing Zoo Crew (playing only the greatest hits of the People’s Republic from the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s, and today!).

So since we already know China wins and we’re all playing for second place here, what’s your worst traffic jam experience?

After The Adventure

Hey, is that… ohhh, it is! It’s Nelmond! Nelmond the Elf! How’s it goin’, pal! Man, it’s been… six months, right? Wow, how time flies.

Yeah, I didn’t expect to see you riding into my kingdom at all! No, no, nothing much, just cleaning up the place. I feel like I have to do my share of the heavy lifting too, part of being a people’s king, right? Plus, it’s been pretty peaceful here ever since we defeated ol’ Evil Eye. Hey, since you’re here, I’ve been meaning to make it down to see the little guys again, figured maybe in the fall we could all have ourselves a little camping trip. Like the old days, right? I was going to send an enchanted owl to let you know but… aw, hey, but I’m being rude! How have you been, old friend? Oh, here on business? What? He’s BACK? HERE? BEHIND ME???

Oh, wow, ha ha. Phew, you got me there, Nelmond. I’ll tell you, that’s not a freaky disembodied astral form of an unstoppable god-like wizard, that’s my Ecomposter with Spider Base! Yeah, picked that up after clearing out the mess in the forest. Hey, did you know that food and garden waste can turn into compost in about four weeks? Yeah, and you know what else? Talking trees love the stuff. Yeah, it’s like some kinda drug to them. Throw in some potato peelings, maybe a little cinnamon, they’ll be dropping fruit left and right. Really helps us rebuild the post-war economy. Especially since we melted all the gold down to make those magic swords. Yeah, but they sure look sweet over the mantle, don’t they?

Well, sure I know it looks like a giant eye! It took long enough to put together, after all. But it holds 71 gallons of compost, so I think it was all worthwhile. Better for the environment, better for me, better for the pig monsters… yeah, they’re still around. C’mon, man, don’t start that “elf man’s burden” thing again. I mean, really? We’re friends and all, but, seriously, not cool. Okay, okay, hey, I’m sorry too. You came here because you thought a friend was in trouble, and I’m really happy for that. So, tell you what, why don’t we leave this Ecomposter with Spider Base to do its job in peace, and you and me, old friend, can head back to the castle for a great dinner.

You still like half rations, right? Ha, no, I’m just kidding you, it’s fruit again. We can’t eat steak until the priests are done exorcising the cows. Yeah, long story there. I’ll tell you over dinner.

Warranty: 1 Year Systems Trading

Features:

• Transforms food and garden waste into nutrient-rich compost in about 4 weeks
• Holds 71 gallons (268 liters) of food and garden waste (stores over 500 pounds of waste)
• Handles all compostable yard, garden, and kitchen waste
• Made from reclaimed/recycled Nylon Plastic
• Compost can be added to all gardens and potted plants as a natural fertilizer
• Takes approximately 2 hours to construct with 2 people
• Assembly Manual and User Guide

Air Induction Tube Design

• 32 inside air tubes are designed to shorten the composting process
• Tubes help to break up and mix newly added materials with older materials
• Tubes hollow design allows for critical air flow and moisture to reach the center of the composting material

Additional Photos:

• Systems Trading STC33301 Ecomposter (Special Effects not included)
• Systems Trading STC33301 Ecomposter Box
• Systems Trading STC33301 Ecomposter on Spider Base
• Systems Trading STC33301 Ecomposter Spider Base
• Systems Trading STC33301 Ecomposter Inner Ring Open
• Systems Trading STC33301 Ecomposter Outer Ring Open
• Systems Trading STC33301 Ecomposter Close up of Inner and Outer Rings
• Systems Trading STC33301 Ecomposter Key
• Systems Trading STC33301 Ecomposter Ring Base
• Systems Trading STC33301 Ecomposter on Ring Base

Required Tools:

• Philips Screwdriver
• Hammer or Rubber Mallet
• Gloves

In the box:

• Systems Trading STC33301 Ecomposter
• Spider Base with Rollers
• Standard Base

Components:

• 8 S1 Sphere Panels
• 8 S1a Sphere Panels
• 112 (+12) S2 Rivets
• 112 (+12) S8 Pins
• 16 S6 Small Air Tubes
• 16 S7 Large Air Tubes
• 48 (+2) S4 Green Side Tabs
• 32 (+2) S3 White Mid Tabs
• 2 S5 Collars
• 1 L3 Key
• 4 CR2 M5 Screws
• 4 CR3 M5 Nuts
• 4 CR1 Center Rings
• 2 L1 Outer Lids
• 2 L3 Inner Lids

Spider Base Components:

• 6 B1 Legs
• 12 B3 Leg Connectors
• 6 B3 Feet
• 6 B4 Wheel Brackets
• 6 B5 Wheels
• 36 (+4) CR2 M5 Screws
• 24 (+4) B6 M6 Bolts
• 36 (+4) CR6 M5 Nuts
• 24 (+4) B7 M6 Nuts

And who doesn’t like a shooter? A word of warning, though. Zombie Balloon Heads uses the old-fashioned mouse-and-WASD layout. If you’re like us, and playing on a laptop with a trackpad, it’s a harsh kick in the head about how useful a real mouse can be. But, you know what? At the end of the day, which is coming up quickly right now a web-based shooter is still a web-based shooter.

In Zombie Balloon Heads, you’re a stick figure, fighting to save your notebook paper home from the hand-drawn zombies coming for you. Could you both have the same creator? Is this some sort of cosmic test? See, these are the questions that a complex game like Zombie Balloon Heads will force you to think about. And also, there are helicopters.

It’s not going to be genre changing, but nobody wants to deal with a subtle nine part generational saga when they’re in between meetings. Zombie Balloon Heads is a time-waster, plain and simple. Head over and have some early midweek fun.

Fans of Vanilla Ice rejoice! Everyone who’s not directly related to Vanilla Ice, carry on with your day. Rob Van Vinkle, the Iceman himself, is getting his own home improvement show on the DIY Network. Because if there’s anyone you want running through your house wielding a reciprocating saw, it’s this guy.

We’re sincerely hoping the first home owners Vanilla helps “improve” will point out that their house looks suspiciously like that house David Bowie and Queen remodeled on their home improvement show, but in the meantime this opens the door on a fascinating realm: sure there are plenty of reality shows for washed up pseudo-stars to glom onto, but what about the Home & Garden crowd? Here are some F-list celebrity home improvement shows we’d like to see:

Paint My House, Bro! Starring Snooki

If you’re going to hitch your wagon to a celebrity, you can’t do much better than Jersey Shore’s freakishly short alcoholic. Snooki will show up at your house with your crew to give it a brand new coat of paint to spice things up. Unfortunately, the paint is always a garish fake-tan orange.

Make Your House Accessible with Emmanuel Lewis

This show turns home improvement on its head because the home owners won’t know it’s coming! Emmanuel and his crew just show up in a truck, knock on the door, and start sawing table legs.

Beatin’ the Beetus

Each week Wilford Brimley shacks up with a different Type 2 Diabetic and shows them what it takes to eat healthy, enjoy moderate exercise, and bring their disease under control. Each episode ends with a heartfelt conversation over a piping hot bowl of Quaker Oatmeal.

Comfortize Your Couch

Corey Feldman, Pauly Shore, and Andy Dick tour America searching for the best couch to crash on. They’ll use their nearly limitless experience in mooching off people to show you the secret to a perfect guest room, spare couch, or flophouse. Alternatively, you could also reverse the tips to make sure people like them never show up at your place.

Montana Fishburne’s A/V Team

Morpheus’s pride and joy shows you the absolutely perfect setup for your home entertainment center! You’ll get professional advice on the best camcorders, lighting gear, and sound mixing equipment for your own home movies as well.

With those ideas out of the way, what has-been celebrity fix-it show would you most like to see? Let us know in the comments below.

Videographer, blogger, St. Louisan, and all-around innaresting fella Bill Streeter had some nice things to say about Woot in our past life in the Gateway/Mound/Murder City. But I swear that even if I’d never heard of the dude, I’d still rep this video where he uses kinetic typography to bring the “paper bag” monologue from The Wire to life. Content, form, and presentation unite in Bill’s capable hands. (There’s some pretty mild NSFW language, but nothing you couldn’t hear on prime-time network TV.)

Wrapping Things Up

Time now for another episode of “Cooking Through The Pain” with your host, Stacy McGillicuddy.

Hey, everyone. Sorry if I seem pretty down for my big Super Summer Fun Time Grilling Party episode. This was going to be a really great episode, too, one where we forget about all those stupid men that have broken our hearts and get back to basics with our best girlfriends by cooking up some fantastic food with our 24 pack of TrueFire Gourmet Cedar Wraps and some frozen margaritas by the pool. Well, when the host’s own best friend Heather, excuse me, EX-BEST FRIEND HEATHER sends you an email cancelling on you, possibly because she’s too much of a coward to use a phone to tell you she isn’t coming because she’s met some “great guy” who just happens to be one of your ex-boyfriends, you get a “Don’t Have To Be Happy” pass. It’s a cooking show rule. Ask Rachel Ray if you don’t believe me.

But it’s going to be okay. We don’t need her to have a great show, do we? WE DON’T NEED ANYBODY. All we need are these TrueFire Gourmet Cedar Wraps and our favorite veggies and meats that we bought back when we thought being “sisters” since third grade meant something. With these wraps, all you have to do is soak them in water for about 20 minutes, then roll them around your food to make your food moist, succulent, and bursting with cedar aroma and flavor. They’re perfect for steaming and baking, as well. And they make quite a nice gourmet presentation, too, if, of course, you don’t find yourself so utterly alone in a world that is nothing but darkness and betrayal to care about that sort of thing. Say, maybe we can wrap up that “Best Friends” bracelet Heather gave me for Christmas last year and replace all the meaning it once had with an infusion of cedar flavor! Otherwise, it’s nothing but a useless hunk of scrap metal and broken promises now, right?! RIGHT?!

First things first, though. We’ve got to get this charcoal grill started. Remember, you’ll want to add a few pieces of newspaper to your charcoal pyramid to really help get things going. In a pinch, feel free to use the scrapbook pages you and your ex-best friend were putting together! After all, nothing lights a fire like the grim realization that putting your trust in others only leads to suffering!

Features:

• 6” x 6” wraps are 100% natural cedar
• Infuses food with cedar flavor
• Food emerges moist and succulent
• Ideal for baking, steaming or grilling
• Great gourmet presentation

Instructions:

• Soak cedar wraps in water for 20 minutes
• Roll food in the cedar and secure (a scallion makes a great tie, or simply set wrap flap-side down)
• Steam, bake or grill until food is cooked
• Do not place on heating elements, flames or coals
• For oven use: place prepared wraps on a cookie sheet; oven temperature should not exceed 400 degrees
• For grill use: place on indirect heat; do not leave unattended while cooking
• Serve food in wrap for gourmet presentation
• Do not consume cedar wraps

In the box:

• TrueFire 6” x 6” Cedar Wrap 24-Pack
• Instruction Sheets (Recipes Included)

There’s a certain amount of trust that come with about twelve years of friendship. So when my best friend Dave says to me, “Dude, I need some help dragging this thing out the alley and into my girlfriend’s house,” I don’t even bother saying no. I just ask for enough time to finish my beer while secretly hoping it’s not a deer cadaver this time.

We stare at his latest find for a few minutes before he sighs and says, “Gosh DANG. Isn’t it gorgeous? I’m telling you, man, nature’s pretty rad, huh?”

“It’s a branch, Dave. A very large, possibly termite-ridden branch.”

“BAH!” He bats away my pessimism with a wave of his hand. “That thing’s a reading light if I ever saw one. Come on. I need to get this inside before Amy gets home.”

“Right. Because it’ll be harder to see how bad an idea this is when it’s inside her bedroom rather than next to the dumpster the local pee-bums like to vomit in.”

“EXACTLY.”

This is the main difference between he and I. Whereas I normally view the world as one ever-growing Katamari of doom and disappointment, Dave sees something awesome in everything, even the stuff that other people might throw away. That’s a pretty enviable talent to have, I say. Take the following three artists, for instance.

One hopes the idea for these toilet roll dioramas didn’t come from Parisian artist Anastassia Elias being trapped in a bathroom for hours with no way to finish up her “business”. Instead of seeing empty paper rolls as ninja swords, telescopes, and makeshift megaphones, she’s created an entire series of little scenes within each tube.

In this modern age of Internet searches, receiving the local phone book on your doorstep seems like a waste anymore. Alex Queral, on the other hand, sees them as an opportunity to create some incredible sculpture work.

Sure, it makes a decent, if non-environmentally friendly way of carrying your drink, but I reckon most people wouldn’t think of taking a pen to Styrofoam cups for reasons other than writing their name on it. Cheeming Boey, however, has turned the average coffee container into a canvas for some amazing drawings that sell for hundreds on Etsy. Considering the cups may last for over five hundred years, that may not be a bad investment.

Low Scanner Scans A Little Faster

Hydraulic suspension. Triple chrome dubs. Flaked and laced gold-and-red paint job. This is gonna be the year I take first prize at the West Coast Custom Receipt Scanner Rally.

I first got into customs back in ‘06. ‘Til then I thought a receipt scanner was something that, like, some nerd or somebody might use to scan some receipts or something lame like that. Well, truth be known, I didn’t even know what a receipt scanner was. But if you had told me what one was, I would have punched you in the mouth for boring me half to death.

Then my uncle Lulo came back from the big Carson City rally with his new Neat Receipts 4 Plus Mobile Scanner. My jaw dropped so hard it left chin marks in the asphalt. Flames up both sides, choreographed ground effects, a little chrome statue of a shark on the hood: Lulo had that thing so pimped out he made Huggy Bear look like Mike Stivic. I’d always thought Lulo was some kind of uptight accountant dude, but when he bounced that NR 4 up and down the boulevard, you better believe the chicas came running. “Ay, Lulo, I got a document you can scan and organize!” “Come over here and track and manage my spending, Papi!” I logged on to Woot and bought my own that very night. Now, when the ladies need to preserve digital copies of their financial records, they come running to me.

Lulo passed away one night last year when he crashed that sweet ride into some big, nasty 401(k) statements. If it wasn’t for the included deluxe travel case, we would’ve had to give him a closed-casket funeral. So now, in a tribute to the man who got me into custom receipt scanners, I’m going all out to win that rally with the dopest, flyest Neat Receipts 4 anybody’s ever seen. And at the end of it all, I’ll know exactly how much I spent.

Warranty: 1 Year Neatco

Features:

• Scans, reads and organizes your receipts, business cards and documents
• Create a digital filing cabinet of your important documents
• Track and manage your spending
• Export to PDF, Outlook, Excel, QuickBooks, and more
• Includes ABBYY PDF Transformer Pro 2.0 software and NeatWorks 4.0 software 

Scan in receipts to:

• Save digital copies of receipts and records of vendors, dates, and totals
• Create expense reports and manage business and personal expenses
• Keep track of expenses for tax time (records accepted by the IRS)
• Export data to Excel, Quicken, QuickBooks, and TurboTax

Scan in business cards to:

• Keep digital images of cards and contact information
• Capture name, address, company, title, etc…
• Create your own searchable contact database
• Export data to Outlook and more

Scan in documents to:

• Create searchable PDF files
• Edit text using copy/paste
• Organize and store in your digital filing cabinet

Additional Pictures:  

• Neat Receipts 4 Plus Mobile Scanner
  
• Side View
• Package Contents (Excluding ABBYY PDF Transformer CD)
  
• ABBYY PDF Transformer Pro 2.0 CD
  
• Packaging
  

NeatWorks 4.0 Software Specifications:

• Images can be saved in JPEG, PDF, and other popular formats
• Data can be sent to .XLS (Microsoft Excel), .RTF (Word), Outlook, .OFX and .QIF (Quicken), .TXF (TurboTax), .IIF (QuickBooks), .CSV, HTML, and PLAXO
• Reads U.S. and Canadian receipts and business cards
• Database can scale to approximately 1.5 million receipts

ABBYY PDF Transformer 2.0 Software Features:

• Convert PDF files to editable documents like Microsoft Word, Excel, HTML, or TXT
• Convert image-only PDF into searchable PDF files
• Generate PDF files directly from Microsoft Word document, an Excel spreadsheet, a PowerPoint presentation or a Visio diagram

Scanner Specifications:

• Portable color/grayscale/B&W CIS
• USB powered – no external power supply needed
• Maximum Resolution: 600 dpi
• Dimensions: 10.8” x 1.6” x 1.3” (W x D x H)
• Weight: 10.6 oz
• Scan Area: 1” x 1” x 14” (up to 30” long)
• Speed: approximately 3 – 4 receipts per minute

System Requirements: (PC ONLY)

• Microsoft Windows XP, Vista, or 7
• Pentium IV 1.3GHz or later
• 1GB RAM (2GB highly recommended)
• 1GB hard drive space to install
• CD-ROM drive
• Available USB port

In the box:

• Mobile Scanner
• ABBY PDF Transformer Software
• NeatWorks Installation CD
• USB Cable
• Deluxe Travel Case
• Scanner Calibration and Cleaning Paper
• Quick Start Guide

What’s More Natural Than The Food Chain?

The best part about the Samsung 12MP Digital Camera w/15x Optical Zoom & Schneider Lens? I can finally capture the peaceful joy of nature.

Ah, a lovely late summer’s day! The breeze, the warm sun, the gentle sound of the waterfall, it’s what we should all be living for. Why can’t we be more like… like this delicate butterfly? Perched on a flower, drying his wings, don’t move, little guy, okay? Let me just set up my Samsung 12MP Digital Camera w/15x Optical Zoom & Schneider Lens… boy, thanks to the Dual Image Stabilization and the Digital Image Stabilization algorithms, this is going to be a perfect photo. Maybe I could sell it for a greeting card! I sure hope… oh… oh, well, thanks for that, Mr. Bluebird. I was just about to have the perfect shot before you ate the butterfly.

Oh, but look at that! Mr. Bluebird’s sleepy after his big lunch! Aw, I didn’t know bluebirds could yawn! And now he’s all fluffy in the dirt, oh, this is even better. You just sit right there, sleepy Mr. Bluebird, because I want to capture this moment. This is what mankind should be, you know? Serene, simple, happy with just existing in harmony with nature. It’s great to see, and with Full Manual Control, I can be sure to get all the little moments that an auto-mode camera might miss. Like this one… riiiiight… here! Oh, wow. Man, that’s… I didn’t expect a cat to jump in just as I was taking the picture. Poor Mr. Bluebird.

Oh, but that sweet sweet kitty! Look at how he’s sitting on a pile of blue feathers! And the cute way he’s licking the blood off his paw! Aw, he’s smiling, look at how happy he is. Okay, this is the shot, I know it. This happy little cat represents what it means to be in harmony with the natural world, needing nothing but what the Earth provides. I think this time I’m gonna use my Samsung 12MP Digital Camera w/15x Optical Zoom & Schneider Lens to take a video. With all the technology in here, it’s easy to take a perfect shot, and the 720p HD quality is more than enough to-

-sonofagun. I didn’t know there was an octopus in that pond. Seems like they’d need to put a sign up or something, so people would know not to let their cats within tentacle range. Aw, well, at least I captured al the action this time.

Warranty: 90 Day Samsung

Features:

• 12MP digital camera boasts a 24mm ultra wide-angle and a 15x Super-zoom lens
• Record videos in high definition, then watch them on a HDTV in high-quality 720p resolution
• Dual Image Stabilization delivers sharp, clear photos using Optical Image Stabilization mechanism with the advanced algorithms of Digital Image Stabilization
• 3.0” LCD with improved contrast and color reproduction
• Intelligent LCD brightness automatically detects environmental illumination and adjusts the LCD brightness for optimal image viewing
• Full Manual Control lets you capture those moments you might miss with a camera in auto mode
• Aperture Priority makes sure your main subject stands out from the surrounding
• Shutter Priority captures fast movements and Manual Mode grants you complete control of the exposure
• Delivers 720p HD quality video at 30 fps
• With the H.264 format that offers recording time 2 times longer than MPEG-4 and 4 times longer than MJPEG video
• Multiple lens effects: Smart filter, Miniature filter, Vignetting filter, and Fish-eye filter
• Smart Auto 2.0 (Still & Movie) instantly analyzes key elements of your composition then automatically adjusts to capture the perfect shot with multitude of different photo modes and movie modes

Additional Photos:

• Samsung 12MP Digital Camera (Front View – Powered Off)
• Samsung 12MP Digital Camera (Front View – Powered On)
• Samsung 12MP Digital Camera (Back View – Screen Illuminated)
• Samsung 12MP Digital Camera (Side View)
• Samsung 12MP Digital Camera (Bottom View)
  
• Samsung 12MP Digital Camera (Top View)
• Package Contents
  

Product Specifications:

• Image Sensor Type: 1/2.3” (1.10cm) CCD
• Image Sensor Effective Pixel: Approx. 12.X Mega-pixel
• Usable Lens: Schneider Lens f = 3.9 ~ 58.5mm (35mm film equivalent: 24~360mm)
• Shutter Speed: Auto: 1 ~ 1/2,000 sec. ; Manual Mode: 16 ~ 1/2,000 sec. ; Night: 8 ~ 1/2,000 sec. ; Fireworks: 4 sec.
• Exposure Compensation: ± (1/3EV steps)
• ISO Equivalent: Auto, 80, 100, 200, 400, 800, 1600, 3200
• Modes: Auto, Auto & Red-eye reduction, Fill-in flash, Slow sync, Flash off, Red eye fix
• Metering System: Multi, Spot, Center Weighted, Face Detection AE
• Flash Modes: Auto, Auto & Red-eye reduction, Fill-in flash, Slow sync, Flash off, Red eye fix

Shooting

• Modes: Smart Auto, Auto, Program, A/S/M, Dual IS, Scene, Movie, Portrait, Night Portrait, Backlight Portrait, Backlight, Landscape, White, Motion, Tripod, Night, Macro, Macro Text, Blue Sky, Sunset Sky, Macro Portrait, Natural Green, Children, Cloud
• Scene: Frame, Guide, Night, Portrait, Children, Landscape, Close-up, Text, Sunset, Dawn, Backlight, Fireworks, Beach & Snow, Self shot, Food, Cafe
• Continuous: Single, continuous, ARB, Motion Capture
• Self-timer: 10 sec., 2 sec., Double, Motion Timer

Storage (Does not include Memory Card)

• Media: External Memory(Optional): SD (up to 2GB guaranteed); SDHC (up to 16GB guaranteed), SDXC
• File Format: Still Image: JPEG (DCF), ECIF 2.21, DPOF 1.1, PictBridge 1.0; Movie Clip: MP4 (H.264(MPEG4.AVC)); Audio: WAV
• Capacity (512MC): (256MB MMC)

Image Size

• 12M: 4000×3000 pixels
• 8M: 3264×2448 pixels
• 5M: 2560×1920 pixels
• 3M: 2048×1536 pixels
• 1M: 1024×768 pixels
• 9M: W: 3840×2160 pixels
• 2MW: 1920×1080 pixels
• 10M P: 3984×2656 pixels

Physical Specifications

• Dimensions: 4.2” x 2.38” x 1.1” (W x H x D)
• Operating Temperature: 0 ~ 40 °C
• Operating Humidity: 5 ~ 85%

In the box:

• (1) Samsung 12MP Digital Camera w/15x Optical Zoom & Schneider Lens – HZ30W
• (1) Rechargeable Battery
• (1) AC Adapter/USB Cable
• (1) Strap
• (1) User Manual CD-ROM
• (1) Quick Start Manual

You guys on this plane have it all wrong.

My headphones aren’t protecting me from you. They’re protecting you from me.

Everyone who gets noise canceling headphones focuses on the noise canceling. “Oooh,” they think to themselves erroneously, “Now I’ll never hear anything I don’t want to hear while I listen to music! This will TOTALLY negate the screaming baby on the plane or the muttering doomsday cultist on the bus!”

But I didn’t buy these Able Planet Sound Clarity Noise Canceling Headphones to block out the noise around me with state of the art active noise cancellation. I bought them to block out my music from the outside.

See, I listen to some pretty cutting edge stuff, like this new Cee Lo jam. Have you heard it? I’ll let you find it yourself on YouTube if you’re adventurous enough. It might be a little “NSFW” for your tastes. I don’t expect you musical simpletons to appreciate it, so I do my best to shield your precious ears from cultural relevance with these full-size ear cups. Sometimes I just turn the active noise cancellation off to save battery life; these things work as normal headphones too, and that can be enough to save you fools from hearing art.

So scream away, infant too small to be flying. Spill on over into my seat, man much too large to be flying. Spend the entire flight trying to talk to me about your life as an important person with some company I’ve never heard of, lady. You can do so without any fear of hearing something you might disagree with.

Warranty: 1 Year Able Planet

Features:

• Features Award-Winning Patented LINX AUDIO a Hear the Difference technology
• State-of-the-art active noise cancellation (ANC), to reduce undesirable sounds and background noise
• Operates as normal headphones when ANC function is turned off, or if batteries run out
• Lightweight adjustable headband provides superior fit
• Ideal for creating your own personal space filled with clear sound or nothing at all
• Full-size ear cups with soft cushions swivel for maximum comfort
• In-line volume control enables easy adjustment to safe listening levels for hearing preservation
• Removable Cord with 1/8” and 1/4” Stereo Adapters
• For use in Computer & Language Labs, Stereos, Personal Computers, CD, DVD and MP3 Players
• Sound Clarity provides Full Rich Sound for people with normal hearing and Enhances Sound Clarity for individuals with mild to moderate hearing loss

LINX AUDIO Advantages:

• Award Winning Sound Quality
• Maximum Speech Clarity
• Filters undesirable sound
• Reduces distortion
• Increased Perceived Loudness Without Increasing Volume

Additional Photos:

• Able Planet Noise Canceling Headphones
• Able Planet Noise Canceling Headphones with Accessories
• Able Planet Noise Canceling Headphones Box
• Able Planet Noise Canceling Headphones Carrying Case
• Able Planet Noise Canceling Headphones Noise Cancellation On/Off Switch

Specifications:

• Frequency Response: 20 Hz – 20 kHz
• Sensitivity at 1 kHz; 115 dB (Off); 121 dB (On)
• Plug: 3.5 mm

In the box:

• Able Planet Noise Canceling Headphones
• Carrying Case
• 1/4″ Home Stereo Adapter
• Two AAA Batteries
• Airplane Adapter