Everyone is getting stupid. Not you or us, obviously. We mean everyone else; and there’s no greater bastion of the coming idiocracy than reality TV. Shows like American Idol, 16 and Pregnant, and especially Jersey Shore not only toll the bell for the dumbing down of the planet, they revel in it, begging you to distract yourself and laugh at the dregs of humanity while you continue to get fatter and dumber and easier to placate so the totalitarian corporate power that rules the world through its control of media can continue to steal our rights while we watch The Bachelor.

Whew, sorry. Blacked out there for a second. Where were we? Oh yeah, reality TV! Since we’re all damned and you’ll never make a dent in the tsunami of stupid, enjoy the show with Jersey Circus…

 

The bit is simple: juxtaposition panels from Bil Keane’s interminably saccharine funny pages mainstay Family Circus with quotes from the putrid soup of humanity on MTV’s Jersey Shore.

The results range from “worth looking at” to eliciting a genuine LOL. There’s something to be said for tickling both our “people still read Family Circus?” and “How can anyone watch Jersey Shore?” bones simultaneously.

And that makes the decline of human civilization easier to swallow.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

ROME (UPI) — Mushroom hunting season in Italy is proving fatal for some, with 18 dead, mostly in accidental falls, in 10 days, officials said.

Mushroom hunters are urged to remember not to attempt to jump towards the spinning fire wall until they are sure they won’t land in the lava.

LIVERPOOL, England (UPI) — A toilet reportedly used by former Beatle John Lennon sold for $18,341 to an unnamed bidder at a Beatles convention held in Liverpool, organizers say.

A toilet from Paul McCartney is still available under the name “Wings: Back To The Egg”.

KERNERSVILLE, N.C. (UPI) — A North Carolina collector is auctioning “The Catcher in the Rye” author J.D. Salinger’s toilet on eBay with an asking price of $1 million.

Authorities are offering to take the guy who bought John Lennon’s toilet into protective custody at any time.

ARLINGTON, Va. (UPI) — In the United States, where many people can’t speak English properly, a Washington acting troupe says it will perform Shakespeare in Klingon.

In a related story, somebody’s quite the grumpy bear over at the UPI.

BOULDER, Colo. (UPI) — A distant star U.S. scientists say is “ringing like a bell” could provide clues to other stars that might have planets that might be able to host life.

Scientists added that the star may not have learned to read or write so well, but they still encouraged it to go again and again.

NEW YORK (UPI) — Crude oil prices settled slightly during the Monday, dropping under $75 per barrel after a modest recovery last week.

Classy oil prices said they never discussed such affairs in public.

After being transplanted to the Pacific Northwest we can sympathize with an invasive species like the Asian Carp. You’re out of your element, you don’t know anybody, and you’ve got to breed explosively so you can outcompete all the indigenous wildlife while hurdling electric barriers put in place to stop you and slapping strangers in the face along the way.

Now people are so fed up with them that they’ve decided to eat the Asian Carp out of existence. The only problem is no one wants to eat something called an Asian Carp for some reason (racists). So now they’re taking suggestions for a more delicious-sounding name for the fish, but if names like “Kentucky Tuna” are being taken as serious suggestions and not the thinly-veiled sexual euphemisms they obviously are, it made us hopeful we might be able to flood the ballot box. Write your representative today and demand that the Asian Carp be renamed as any one of the far more delicious-sounding species below…

• Guangzhou Gagfish
• Gristle-backed Loach
• Poisonous Razorfin
• Nemo
• Putrid Bloatfish
• Jason Tuna
• I Can’t Believe It’s Not Asian Carp
• Invasive Stranglefish
• Laxative-fleshed Skunkfish
• Sea Penis
• Throat Burr
• Mud-Stuffed Waterbat
• Scaly Mutilator
• Neon Puke Darter
• Spiny Throatlodger
• River Mangler
• Vampiric Herpesbearer
• Orange Scratchy
• Tennessee Turd Burglar
• Pugsucker
• Nanking Doublebone Trout
• Hanoi Chumguppy
• Satan’s Nightmarefish
• Chilean Sea Ass
• GlennBecktopus

Those were our best ideas (as hard as that may be to believe), let us know your favorite in the comments below. While we’re at it, what would you call these things to make them more appealing?

(Thanks to Jeff C. for the Naming Newsletter link that inspired us.)

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

LONDON (UPI) — North Korea has opened a Facebook account after its Twitter Internet feed was blocked for containing information illegal in the south, a report says.

A spokesperson for North Korea said that they will be allowed to keep this account, provided the U.N. always knows the password and it doesn’t interfere with schoolwork.

WASHINGTON (UPI) — The world is running out of helium, a resource that cannot be renewed, and supplies could run out in 25 to 30 years, a U.S. researcher says.

Government officials urge the public to remain calm but balloon filling clowns are openly afraid for their lives.

PHOENIX (UPI) — Dozens of mothers breastfed their infants at a Phoenix McDonald’s protesting the eviction of a woman doing the same, observers say.

Dietitians say this could be the very first time dozens of people got some nutrition at a McDonald’s.

ROME (UPI) — The Mafia in Italy used a popular soccer show on Italian state television as a way to get messages to imprisoned gang bosses, a former prosecutor says.

The conclusion of this practice means that Giovanni Goooooooaaaaaaaldberg no longer has to live in fear.

NEW YORK, (UPI) — A new book says President Clinton was one of the smartest men to ever occupy the White House but had an immature attitude when it came to sex.

Sources say that the former President, to this day, will still giggle when talking about Dick Armey.

VINEYARD HAVEN, Mass. (UPI) — Republicans questioned whether U.S. President Barack Obama should be vacationing for nine days in Vineyard Haven, Mass. at a time of war and economic distress.

Presidental historians agreed, saying that in rough times, the traditional vacation destination has always been Texas.

DALIAN, China (UPI) — A Chinese ocean park has announced the first successful hatching of an emperor penguin.

Penguin experts say that the hatchling has already begun work on an adorable little Golden Throne and some penguin power-armor.

Some days it’s all you can do to trudge out to your car because you know, you just KNOW traffic is going to completely suck. Maybe your commute is a breezy 20 minutes; maybe it’s a soul-crushing hour and a half. Regardless, you can rest assured that almost everyone in Beijing has it worse.

See, China’s had a 60-mile-long traffic jam for the last 11 days now. Now the good news is things are starting to improve: cars have started to move up to a half-mile a day recently. Which means someone stuck back around the 58 mile mark is only going to be about half a year late for work; and we’re betting the boss is going to have a hard time believing that story.

Which kind of begs the question: who the hell is staying on this highway? Is there not an off-ramp? Are people getting on the road each day, realizing they made no progress, and driving home only to try again tomorrow? What sort of investment would it take to open a convenience store on this road?

You think being stuck in traffic flipping through commercials and “wacky” morning DJs is bad; try a week and a half straight of Crazy Zhang the Panda and the Beijing Zoo Crew (playing only the greatest hits of the People’s Republic from the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s, and today!).

So since we already know China wins and we’re all playing for second place here, what’s your worst traffic jam experience?

Fans of Vanilla Ice rejoice! Everyone who’s not directly related to Vanilla Ice, carry on with your day. Rob Van Vinkle, the Iceman himself, is getting his own home improvement show on the DIY Network. Because if there’s anyone you want running through your house wielding a reciprocating saw, it’s this guy.

We’re sincerely hoping the first home owners Vanilla helps “improve” will point out that their house looks suspiciously like that house David Bowie and Queen remodeled on their home improvement show, but in the meantime this opens the door on a fascinating realm: sure there are plenty of reality shows for washed up pseudo-stars to glom onto, but what about the Home & Garden crowd? Here are some F-list celebrity home improvement shows we’d like to see:

Paint My House, Bro! Starring Snooki

If you’re going to hitch your wagon to a celebrity, you can’t do much better than Jersey Shore’s freakishly short alcoholic. Snooki will show up at your house with your crew to give it a brand new coat of paint to spice things up. Unfortunately, the paint is always a garish fake-tan orange.

Make Your House Accessible with Emmanuel Lewis

This show turns home improvement on its head because the home owners won’t know it’s coming! Emmanuel and his crew just show up in a truck, knock on the door, and start sawing table legs.

Beatin’ the Beetus

Each week Wilford Brimley shacks up with a different Type 2 Diabetic and shows them what it takes to eat healthy, enjoy moderate exercise, and bring their disease under control. Each episode ends with a heartfelt conversation over a piping hot bowl of Quaker Oatmeal.

Comfortize Your Couch

Corey Feldman, Pauly Shore, and Andy Dick tour America searching for the best couch to crash on. They’ll use their nearly limitless experience in mooching off people to show you the secret to a perfect guest room, spare couch, or flophouse. Alternatively, you could also reverse the tips to make sure people like them never show up at your place.

Montana Fishburne’s A/V Team

Morpheus’s pride and joy shows you the absolutely perfect setup for your home entertainment center! You’ll get professional advice on the best camcorders, lighting gear, and sound mixing equipment for your own home movies as well.

With those ideas out of the way, what has-been celebrity fix-it show would you most like to see? Let us know in the comments below.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) — Lindsay Lohan’s mother told interviewer Matt Lauer the media and justice system are largely to blame for the U.S. actress’ problems.

The media and justice system noted that their ankle monitoring bracelets hadn’t actually gone off yet.

LOS ANGELES (UPI) — “Star Wars” producer Gary Kurtz says the Hollywood franchise’s creator considered killing off Han Solo, but opted against it for merchandising reasons.

And yet, strangely, Lucas has never bothered to enter the lucrative Wookie medal market.

CYPRESS, Calif. (UPI) — Police in California said a suspicious package delivered to the Cypress Police Department turned out to contain a record by 1970s band The Carpenters.

In the interest of fairness, the police did play the record. A spokesperson said that everybody listening totally thought it was the bomb.

LOS ANGELES, D.C. (UPI) — Studio executives at one point considered pulling the plug on Universal’s “Battleship,” based on the board game, sources tell The Hollywood Reporter.

But a spokesperson for the executives said that sources likely just overheard an actor saying that he was in “Trouble”, the next board game movie, and simply misunderstood what he meant.

EMMAUS, Pa. (UPI) — Few would eat 68 strips of bacon in one meal but one can consume the same amount of calories by drinking a milkshake, the U.S. magazine Men’s Health says.

As expected, putting this information in Men’s Health instantly increased the number of boys in the yard.

ORLANDO, Fla. (UPI) — A Pennsylvania woman’s lawsuit claims she was groped by an actor dressed as Donald Duck while visiting Florida’s Walt Disney World.

In a related story, Daisy Duck has issued a statement saying her seventy year relationship is over.

Legend has it that about a week after those Portuguese missionaries stumbled across Japan there were guys stumbling into Tokyo tattoo parlors and asking for some kanji and barbed wire inked on their arms. Shortly after that the first annoyed tattoo artist was giving tourists random designs out of spite and/or ignorance of Asian culture. Some folks might decide to take advantage of that fact by fooling the naive into thinking they’ve paid to have “bean curd” tattooed on their arm, and we applaud those people uproariously. Other people, though, have decided to educate the masses about just what exactly their ink says. People like Tian and his blog Hanzi Smatter.

The premise is simple. People write in asking just what the hell is permanently scarred into their flesh and Tian gives his deadpan response. Most of the letters are straightforward, “hey can you help me figure this out” sorts of pleas mixed in with the occasional super-perky and delusional request for affirmation. The humor occurs when a letter like this:

Gets a response like this:

Or even this:

Check it out, then let us know what your tattoo says (or what it would say if you’re more the “my body is a temple” type) in the comments below. And always remember our helpful advice regarding tattoos in Asian languages: ?????

Movies can have a powerful effect on us. Star Trek and Star Wars inspired more than one generation to set their sights on the stars and beyond, It’s a Wonderful Life gave us a reason to believe in the good in everyday people, and Secretary inspired that lengthy and incredibly awkward conversation with Human Resources. And apparently Eat Pray Love and the accompanying wave of Oprah-fueled PR inspired a bunch of lonely people to spend all their money trying to buy enlightenment in ashrams only to find out that, well, ashrams are kind of lame. Which sucks, because we could’ve told you that for like half the price.

Lunacy of such plans aside, if you’re going to base major life-altering decisions on movies at least pick a decent movie! Don’t go with some low-rent rehash of a mediocre book. In fact, you could find a lot more inspiring tales in some of the following flicks…

Batman

Midlife crisis got you wondering what’s the point of it all? Just send your parents to the opera (make sure it’s that opera on the seedy side of town) and wait for them to be brutally murdered. Then you can spend a summer embarking on a journey of self discovery and vigilante justice as you prowl the rooftops of your city instilling paralyzing fear on the criminal element. Take a crafty cue from the tool-making montage and make your own animal-themed ninja weaponry!

The Goonies

What better way to find yourself than while finding treasure? Get some friends together and head for the Oregon coast. You’ll find adventure, deformed new friends, and a new distrust for Italians. Be sure to bring your favorite marble bag; you never know what could end up in there!

Au Hasard Balthazar

Life feeling too complicated? Head for the French countryside and embrace the fact that you are, at your essence, a beast of burden. Owners may come and go, tasks may barely alternate between monotonous and grueling, but there you’ll stand: steadfast and dull. Lives may revolve around you, some even crashing irrevocably, but you’ll be so focused on the task at hand you won’t even think to bray about it. A great way to overcome your procrastinating!

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Bettering yourself is great, but what’s more gratifying than improving the lives of others? Take a cue from Randle Patrick Murphy and rub elbows with society’s forgotten, the institutionalized mentally ill. You’ll experience a great deal of personal growth as you question authority and inspire others to do the same. This won’t be a cakewalk, but the real work on yourself never is. You may also come away with a stoic Native American friend!

The Deer Hunter

What could be more exotic than a vacation to the wild forests of Vietnam? Take your best friends from high school and see if you can beat the locals at whatever fun and interesting games they come up with! Who knows? You might love the place so much you’ll end up staying!

Got a better “inspirational” movie that caused you to drop everything (including your wallet) and make a significant life change? Let us know in the comments below.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

PORDENONE, Italy (UPI) — Anti-globalization activists have destroyed a field of genetically modified corn near the northeastern Italian town of Pordenone, Italian authorities say.

Thankfully, the corn’s healing factor and adamantium claws will allow it to take its own revenge.

WEST NYACK, N.Y. (UPI) — A 78-year-old New York state man said he was perplexed to discover the U.S. government believes he died more than a month ago.

Those familiar with the case added that the man really wishes his assigned caseworker would stop saying “…OR MAYBE… YOU DID!!!” every time he calls to discuss the issue.

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia (UPI) — The Saudi government said Tuesday it was holding off on its plan to cut off BlackBerry corporate messaging services in the kingdom.

This decision will not affect heads, arms and hands, which the Saudis will continue to cut off as they see fit.

NEW YORK (UPI) — Mark Ruffalo says he and Edward Norton, his friend and fellow Hollywood actor, are not fighting over the big-screen role of the Hulk.

Most Hulk fans stand behind their belief that, if they two men ever did fight, it would be totally freaking awesome like nobody would ever believe.

WEYBURN, Saskatchewan (UPI) — Anthrax has killed 30 bison on a farm near Weyburn, Saskatchewan, a Canadian provincial official said Tuesday.

Authorities now say that Scott Ian has taken full responsibility and claims that the other members of the band are innocent.

DESTIN, Fla. (UPI) — Police in Florida said a woman who poured drinks on her husband after finding him at a strip club was charged with battery.

A spokesperson for the woman argues that she intended to only throw a single drink on her husband, but the club policy mandated that she purchase at least two.

NEW YORK (UPI) — Breakfast giant Kellogg’s has opened a Pop-Tart theme restaurant in New York featuring Pop-Tart sandwiches and other sugary concoctions.

The joke here is that this really exists.

Now, let us be clear from the start. We’re not really recommending Battle Of The Cheetos. It’s just that when we ran into it last night in the middle of Gizmodo’s web page, we couldn’t help but notice how… well, ridiculous the whole thing was.

Sure, the characters are cute, but what about the GAME? We figured it was our duty to take one for the team and let you know what the game was all about. So after the jump, you’ll see what happens if you choose to “join the fray”. Maybe it will save you some time.

Battle Of The Cheetos means well, really it does. But playing it is like taking an innocent child’s outstretched hand, only to find that child was just picking their nose right before you walked up. The whole game is very slick and polished, of course, it just… doesn’t seem to care. Take, for example, the very first thing you’ll notice.

Looks okay, right? But General Chester’s in a hurry. For some reason, the mascot pops up well before anything else, and this cheetah likes to clear his throat when you’re not paying attention to him. It’s a moment of cute that probably sounded great on paper. In practice, however, all it does is make the player aware of how freaking long it takes the game to load. But, hey, maybe we were just unlucky. Maybe it was our lame-o server’s fault.

After the page finished loading, we had the option to pick our army of choice. The Puffs? The Crunchies? Not since the Hundred Years War has a choice seemed so important. We chose the Puffs because it seemed like they’d be cuter. Unfortunately, right after that, we hit another unskippable step (or maybe it happened earlier? Time is so fluid in war…) Here, we were invited to pick a website which would play blurry background battlefield for our snack food skirmish.

Apparently there’s an approval process where Cheeto HQ offers to email you the instructions by which can you get your own site properly blurred and unreadble. And we did consider it. But, ultimately, we REALLY wanted to aggress a Cheeto before midnight, so we just settled on Gizmodo to save time. Okay? All set? It sure looked like everything was all set! Finally, it was time to just hit that button and-

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sgt. Rock! It’s flag time now! Your want to lay your cheesy privates all over blurry Gizmodo without designing a FLAG? That’s crazy talk, soldier! Just take a few minutes and consider alllll the options to come up with something nice. Okay? Are you sure? This is what you want? Okay! Get ready! Here we go! Right after this loading screen! Any second now! Annnnd… we’re done! It’s time to battle!

Well, here we are, the big pay off. And it was sort of fun to send our big fat Cheeto puff marching out to slap the crap out of those scrawny little cheese twists. There was also a microphone option, which we appreciated but didn’t use, but maybe our experience would have been stronger with the chance to listen to some ten year old kid yelling all the words he learned when the janitor lost his temper during lunch.

We left the arena hardened orange warriors, but at what cost? The bitter reality is that Battle Of The Cheetos is a viral novelty that tries very hard to be cool, and did in fact suck us in on sheer charisma, but simply doesn’t seem to be very much fun. Of course, if you disagree, or you work for Frito-Lay and you want to pay us to have a more positive opinion, we’d be happy to showcase any rebuttals in our comments below. But, until that check clears, we’re recommending you give Battle Of The Cheetos a pass, or at least only play it ironically.

Meeting that special someone is a lot harder than Hollywood leaves us to believe. While you’re walking around waiting for your serendipitous run-in with the stunningly-attractive member of your preferred sex you have to navigate an entire world full mouth-breathing yokels, simmering sociopaths, and bros icing bros.

It would be so much easier if only you could date the one person you know to be entertaining, interested in the same things as you, and in possession of a tolerable level of B.O.: yourself. I guess technically you’ve always been able to do it, but now you and yourself can spend an evening at the computer laughing at other people with I’m Dating Myself.

It’s a simple Tumblr account of photoshops superimposing one person’s face on photos of couples. Some are well-executed. Some are not. Most of them are more than slightly disconcerting.

You can submit your own work as well, just be sure to let us know in the comments so we can laugh at admire it. Bonus points for using a Woot writer.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) — The New York Aquarium said its 23-year-old male harbor seal appears to have hit it off with a 3-year-old female seal introduced as a companion for the mammal.

But in private, friends worry she’s only after his investments.

JACKSON, Miss. (UPI) — Authorities in Mississippi said they arrested two men who were allegedly trying to sell blocks of wood disguised as laptop computers.

Legal experts observed that if the men had called the non-functional blocks iPhones, it would have been a perfectly acceptable business.

URBANA, Ill. (UPI) — An Illinois researcher who co-wrote a study on the link between money and happiness said the answer lies in the personal definition of “happiness.”

For example, the researcher is happy he got the money for this ridiculous study.

LOS ANGELES (UPI) — U.S. author Anne Rice has announced via Facebook she is no longer a follower of Catholicism, the faith she has embraced for the last 12 years.

Sources say that Rice has already begun writing a 95 book series explaining why she has left the faith behind.

SOUTH HOLLAND, Ill. (UPI) — The U.S. Postal Service says a communications breakdown led to a package of a woman’s cremated remains being lost in transit to Illinois for more than a week.

Even more insulting is that the ashes were delayed in Owl City.

CHICAGO (UPI) — Cyberbullying is now considered as serious an offense as burglary, gang activity and more traditional forms of bullying, the Chicago Board of Education said.

Chicago police are already surrounding the shirt.woot forums and preparing for the worst.

CUMMING, Ga. (UPI) — Georgia wildlife officials said they are searching for a large beaver that bit a man on the leg and arm while he was fishing on Lake Lanier in Forsyth County.

Reporters around the globe are said to be captivated by the Cumming beaver issue.

MILWAUKEE (UPI) — Harley-Davidson Inc., maker of the iconic U.S. motorcycles, has announced it will soon make its last sidecar.

A spokesperson for Grand Marnier said that the company had no idea and thought everything was going fine, then he burst into tears and excused himself from the room.

Earlier this morning we showed you how Woot is already changing Amazon’s corporate culture. Well, as you all expected, Amazon immediately put their foot down and told us to knock it off. Under orders from the very very top, we now have to show the world how Woot.com will no longer be fun. So here’s a photo proving our corporate employees must always be dignified and professional while representing the brand.

See what a difference a few Amazon t-shirts can make? We think that, after the jump, you’ll appreciate the changes. Starting today, Woot.com is a very serious place.

Nah, we’re just jerkin’ your chain, they don’t care what the heck we do in Dallas. Which is good since, in reality, the day went like this:

For our team of collectors, these limited-edition Amazon box men shirts were a must have. Like hungry wildcats, they tracked the most dangerous game and then took their shirts. Naturally the screams of “Oh, God, why won’t it stop?” were covered up by the sound of our printing press, making the shirt.woot offices the best place for our angry staffers to strike.

Clever service agent agingdragqueen tried to end the violence by stealing a few shirts from the bins. Sadly, she quickly learned these Amazon shirts are a rare and wonderful gift. They can’t be purchased, they can only be won. So, it was back to grinding the level!

After four hours of beating other staffers into a paste, the mob was sated and stylish. Here you can see the happy satisfied conglomerate of death relaxing with our in-house symbol of corporate glutto- er, that is to say, Amazon’s important new investment. Rumor has it the entire deal was just a cover for the acquisition of our Ken Jennings head. You didn’t hear it from us, Wall Street!

Of course, fun is fun, but the office is about work! Unruly staffers must be kept in line. That’s why every copy of the Woot Managerial Handbook also includes an inflatable ball. All you have to do is lure your staffers into place-

-and then you take ‘em down!

Naturally, collapsed staffers are very easy to control. Plus, if you aim right, the fall won’t leave any external bruising and that means nobody can complain to HR. See? We haven’t changed our philosophy one bit.

Special thanks to Dennis, Aliki, Nathan, Trenia, Kristy and Tom for doing stupid stuff instead of working. And a warm thank you to the folks at Amazon HQ for being so welcoming to our team today, now that the deal’s official. It’s nice to feel so at home.

Stodgy corporate culture? Well, maybe. Much like an eighth grader about to leave middle school, we’d heard rumors that the halls at Amazon could be a very serious place. So, rather than go in cold, we sent a crack team of special agents in to prepare our landing site.

Remember, kids, all it takes to change the world is a box full of monkeys. Who says corporations are all uptight? After the jump, we’ll use our very first day at the new place and take a look at how Amazon is handling their new little brother or sister.

We don’t know what their names are. We don’t know who took them. All we know is that our box of sacrificial monkeys found a very good home in the offices of Amazon.com. From the board room to the bathroom, our furry little guys made adorablity job one, and that’s the sort of commitment that opens doors. Which you can immediately fling them through, as long as you time it right.

Here our team of monkeys are in a strategy meeting, trying to figure out exactly how to monetize leverage in a ad-centric virtual market. Good luck, fellas! Let us know when you figure out what that means!

It’s easy to see the effect a simple Woot monkey has on traditional corporate culture. Just seconds ago, this man was in expensive shoes and a tie. But now? T-shirt and no pants! In the interest of decency, we cropped the shot, so you’ll just have to take our word for it. Or file an FOI for the security report.

At Amazon, every employee gets a desk and a mouse, and they can use them however they see fit. Reward creativity, that’s the Amazon motto! At least, we think it’s the Amazon motto. We kinda skipped reading a lot of the paperwork they sent us because there’s this great bar full of pinball machines on the way to work. Also, guess which department currently owns the high score on Terminator 2? Yeah, baby! We’ll be back!

Oh, sorry, they said you weren’t supposed to see this one yet. We’ve been saving it for the weekend they unleash the Amero.

Anyway, if you’re still worried, don’t be. We hope these pictures help illustrate that it really doesn’t matter if we’re growing a little. In our hearts, we’re still the same stupid dogpile of mediocre writers that you’ve been hating on for years. And if there’s one thing we know about the corporate sector, it’s that the mediocre float right to the top. So get ready, world! We’re takin’ over! Right after our contractuallly-mandated break!

We’re not sure who’s who and what’s what, we just know that the photos came from John, Mark and Greg. Gentlemen, we thank you for giving our mischievous monkeys a good home. Also remember to keep an eye on the blog later today, because we’ll be featuring the other half of the story, showing off what Amazon gave Woot HQ!

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

CHICAGO (UPI) — A boy flying alone from San Francisco to Canada missed a connecting flight in Chicago because airline workers apparently forgot about him, his family said.

As an apology, the airline allowed the boy to purchase his $4 bag of chips at a special one-time-only reduced price.

BILOXI, Miss. (UPI) — Jay Leno has been booked to perform a benefit for Mississippians impacted by the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, the Beau Rivage Resort & Casino said Thursday.

Leno has been scheduled just before current BP CEO Tony Hayward, leading experts to believe that Hayward will soon be losing his job.

NEW YORK (UPI) — A growing number of nightmare sufferers are turning to a controversial treatment called scripting or dream mastery, scientists say.

Others are buying little tops and listening to Edith Piaf.

DETROIT (UPI) — Officials in Detroit say they worry that television police shows using the city as a backdrop may lead to negative perceptions about Detroit and its residents.

Officials added that if the portrayals don’t stop soon, they’d have everyone involved beaten to death.

VATICAN CITY (UPI) — The Vatican has started using souvenir coins bearing the image of the Pope to make change at grocery stores and the gas station, officials said.

Locals reportedly can’t stop giggling when tourists ask if they can touch their Pope’s head.

WASHINGTON (UPI) — The Venezuelan military shouldn’t be on alert because of any concerns about U.S. action, a spokesman for the U.S. State Department said.

The spokesperson said the U.S. was only planning to crush all vuvuzelas, and somehow that got all twisted around.

Duke/UNC? Boston/New York? Southern Baptist/Militant Shiite? Whatever, amateurs. Fight all you want, but you’ve got nothing on the “Spider-Man: Brand New Day” debate.

Being a comic book fan (especially lately) is almost like boot camp. Your heroes die, your villains are misused, your favorite writer takes a month off so some idiot can shoehorn his Mary Sue into the middle of an otherwise fantastic story that you just know is going to get cancelled… is it any wonder that this hobby transforms the fans into mighty sarcasm gladiators? Thankfully, this time those skills were used for good, and Comics Alliance was on hand to capture some stills.

Their story is here. Our summary is after the jump.

On the Internet, most people have already heard about Fred Phelps, the man we refuse to link who believes that God is full of hate for all mankind. Phelps makes a point of traveling to most major events in them name of this inaccurate deity, hoping to troll and annoy until someone does something that he can sue them for, thus covering his expenses and mortgage. Maybe he figured the San Diego Comic Con would be an easy mark. Too bad he was so wrong.

For a culture that does nothing but nitpick and justify, Fred Phelps is a fresh summer breeze. Like Hal Jordan and Sinestro in the Blackest Night, everyone put their differences aside to stand as one against the Phelpsians, letting loose a distributed attack of sarcasm and lunacy that simply was impossible to counter. After all, what do you find more interesting, a person getting in your face, yelling GOD HATES AMERICA AND ALSO YOU or this:

It’s a pretty easy choice, isn’t it? Head over to Comics Alliance to see everything, including a video with comic writer Gail Simone. We’re just sorry there aren’t more photos.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

CONGHAM, England (UPI) — Organizers of the World Snail Racing Championships in England said this year’s winner traveled a distance of 13 inches in 3 minutes, 41 seconds.

Losers were served in garlic butter.

LEON, N.Y. (UPI) — An Amish teen was charged with alcohol possession and “overdriving an animal” after crashing a horse and buggy while fleeing police in New York, officials say.

If convicted, the boy faces the candle-powered chair.

PISA, Italy (UPI) — Italian doctors say they’re amazed by a 3-year-old prodigy who reads newspapers, operates the family’s television remote and even gives medical advice.

Medical experts say his handwriting is even just as illegible as that of a real doctor.

LOS ANGELES (UPI) — “Inception” took the top box office spot during the weekend, bringing in a healthy $60.4 million in estimated gross box office receipts.

Experts started to say that the movie was tops but then stopped short, right before committing to an answer.

NEW YORK (UPI) — Facebook says it is still working on a way of culling “friends” from the system after they have died.

Internet experts are certain that, no matter what method Facebook chooses, some high school kid is gonna exploit it to get Justin Bieber’s account deleted for half an hour.

WASHINGTON (UPI) — Americans are unsure of what the political label “progressive” actually means, and whether it does or does not describe their own views, a poll indicates.

In a related story, the same number of Americans believe that Yes, ELP, and King Crimson are simply considered to be “classic rock”.

NEW ORLEANS (UPI) — Canadian actor Ryan Reynolds separated his shoulder while working on the New Orleans set of the superhero flick “The Green Lantern,” UsMagazine.com said.

His shoulder claims the actor was abusive, and plans to release many profanity-laden voicemails later this week.

WASHINGTON (UPI) — U.S. Rep. Mike Quigley, D-Ill., introduced a bill Thursday to “force the federal budget to accurately account for all money spent.”

And the Senate was immediately filled with laughter.

Here at Woot we’ve got our finger on the pulse of the internet at all times. We’re tuned into the zeitgeist, up to date on pop culture, and ahead of any and all curves. Which is why we were mildly surprised that Old Spice’s recent campaign has become something of a meme. You guys know that stuff still smells like grandpa, right?

Regardless of the quality of the product he represents, people are scrambling to put the Old Spice guy on their voicemail messages. Which got us thinking about all the celebrity ringtones available for purchase, the movie quotes people record onto their cell phones, and the fact that Carl Kassel still refuses to record our answering machine message. But we’re sort of minor celebrities…on the internet…in Texas…to our parents. So we’re hopping on this gravy train, too!

For $50 the Woot Writers will actually call and leave you a voicemail. That’s right; personalized. None of this, “Hey, best friend…JOHNATHAN…just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out this weekend and…GO SHOPPING…or maybe…DO WATER POLO…or we could always just…FREEBASE,” bush league stuff. We’ll actually talk to you like humans and personalize the whole thing, so you can brag to all your friends about how cool you are without mentioning that you had to pay for someone to actually call you. Now quality like this ain’t cheap, but you do have options! Choose from any of the following packages…

The Tiger Woods

You get awkward pauses and quiet-so-as-not-to-upset-the-missus mumblings requesting you to change your voicemail message immediately. Please. Our wives are freaking out. A great choice for people who just like to feel needed; our voices will be filled with regret only at the possibility of our lives crashing down around us, but the fully deluded may mistake it for affection and emotional investment!

The Bill O’Reilly

One of our more saucy options! We’ll wax poetic about Caribbean vacations, shedding inhibitions, and our love of large showers. We’ll also throw in red herrings about falafel and make vaguely-threatening-sounding promises to liquor you up. The perfect choice for those lonely nights when you just need to dim the lights and unwind.

The Pat O’Brien

Hot hot hot! We definitely can’t leave this one on your business line. A writer of your choice will leave you a series of drunken and/or drug-addled messages, each one more explicit and kind of gross than the last. We promise a minimum 47 counts of “You’re so f*****g hot,” plus offers of cocaine and hookers. Of course, every message will end with, “Just look at me and say yes.” This is our top-of-the-line racy message, and also makes a great gag gift for mom or dad!

The Alec Baldwin

Who’s a thoughtless little pig? You are! The Baldwin delivers a judgmental class war right to your answering machine. You’re rude, inconsiderate, and dammit we’re going to let you know about it as we threaten to fly out to straighten you out in PERSON. Not for the faint of heart, this voicemail is a great choice for gluttons for punishment and those with cripplingly low self esteem.

The Mel Gibson

The Cadillac of angry voicemail messages! Don’t order this one unless you’ve got a high tolerance for abuse. Our angriest writer (Scott) will hurl accusations of plastic surgery, promiscuity, and dressing too provocatively with such vitriol that your phone may actually catch fire. For an added $5 he can add in some racist comments towards the ethnic group of your choosing. An absolute must for anyone looking to add a heaping dose of despair to their life or crush their faith in humanity completely.

Don’t delay! Operators are standing by! You too can dazzle your friends and impress your in-laws with a real live Woot Writer voicemail message*!

*No, we’re not actually going to do any of that.

1. “Why don’t you all just call somebody who cares? OH WAIT”
2. “You see, in our efforts to steer people away from all types of pornography, we added this ‘feature’ as a way of keeping you all from calling intimate 1-900 numbers. Who’s embarrassed now, perverts?”
3. “Like anyone actually reads Consumer Reports, am I right? I mean, really, the cool people get all their Apple news and analysis from completely unbiased sources like Daring Fireball.”
4. “You guys know it does folders now, right?”
5. “To find out more, affected iPhone users are invited to attend MacSplosion 2K10: an all-expenses-paid VIP event at an undisclosed location in the beautiful Hindu Kush highlands of sunny Pakistan. Don’t bother packing – you won’t need clothes where you’re going.”
6. “We’ve moved ahead, as we believe connectivity will soon go the way of floppy discs, FireWire, Brushed Metal, and pornography. The future is non-connectivity.”
7. “After talking with our engineers, I feel confident in announcing that the shutdown feature only activates during conversations that do not properly represent the Apple lifestyle brand. We suggest making your conversations more cutting-edge.”
8. “See? See? This is what happens when we try it without the Chinese kids!”
9. “We blame Tony Hayward.”
10. “Now, if you’d all look under your chairs… THAT’S RIGHT! EVERYONE HERE GETS A ROLL OF ELECTRICAL TAPE! Introducing iTape. The first truly must-have accessory for the iPhone 4, because you must have it for the phone to work. In stores 4th quarter 2010, starting at $149.99.”

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (UPI) — A search resumed Tuesday for a human head a brother and sister reported seeing in the water near a popular swimming spot in Sweden, police said.

Neil Gaiman has been rushed to the site due to worries that an unprecedented new fairy tale is unfolding.

DUBLIN, Ireland (UPI) — Police in the Irish capital said a penguin stolen from a city zoo was tracked using a microchip and recovered from a city street.

Experts say this event might make for the very best CSI: Miami in history.

WAYNESBURG, Texas (UPI) — The mayor of a Pennsylvania town has bet the mayor of Houston that it will rain in his town July 29, known locally as Rain Day.

In a related story, other people have to actually work when they go to their jobs.

WASHINGTON, July 10 (UPI) — The number of inmates in state prisons in the United States has declined for the first time in almost 40 years, statistics show.

On the heels of this news, the RIAA is offering some great new ideas designed to ensure that prison workers need never worry about layoffs.

SACRAMENTO (UPI) — Police in the Sacramento area issued an Amber Alert Friday for an alleged kidnapper who sped off with a woman and a young girl in a pink getaway car.

Witness describe it as bigger than a Honda, and also bigger than a Subaru.

ILFORD, England (UPI) — A British sex education teacher confessed he has been performing in hardcore pornographic films saying, “I’m not ashamed.”

The man has been fired on the grounds that those who teach, can’t do.

BETHALTO, Ill. (UPI) — An Illinois man was charged with endangering the life of a child after his 7-year-old son got hold of the father’s gun and fired it into a mattress.

Since this minor incident is being reported by major media outlets, it’s safe to assume that the mattress was white.

Every summer has its defining song. In 1965, it was “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” by The Rolling Stones. In 1980, Lipps Inc.’s helped us all escape the heat of the cities by taking us to a much cooler place called “Funkytown”. Sure, the popularity of “Mambo No.5″ in the summer of 1999 showed there were cracks in the system that could be exploited, but luckily the art of the Summer Jam was saved just two years later by Destiny’s Child’s particular brand of “Bootylicious” jelly, which we were all apparently not ready for.

But what of Summer 2010? What shall be the tune that requires jammage throughout our barbecues and pool parties? To what shall we dance as the cops arrive on the street corner demanding to know who opened the local fire hydrant? What song in this foul year of recessions, oil spills, and uncertainty could come forth to give us the hope we need to weather the heat and humidity with the powers of Hope and Wonder?

Ladies and Gentlemen, if I might make a suggestion.

Okay, yes, it’s not actually a song, but an auto-tuned version of a man’s somewhat NSFW elation over the sighting of a double rainbow. Doesn’t that REALLY matter, though? If Rihanna can sing about umbrellas, why can’t we have a song about rainbows. You know, other than that other one.

Personally, though, the Summer Jam hit its high water mark back in 1991 with DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince’s “Summertime”. That’s just me, though. If you’ve got a better one, post it in the comments. Maybe we can get a mixtape going!

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

SACRAMENTO (UPI) — A former member of the Charles Manson family has had his parole recommendation denied by California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Legal experts say this the event was just not even close to being as cool as it sounds.

PLEASANTON, Calif. (UPI) — A fireworks display apparently angered bees at the Alameda County Fair in Pleasanton, Calif., and nearly 100 people were stung, officials said.

In a unrelated story, a similar celebration in Horridville went off without a hitch.

ORLANDA, Fla. (UPI) — A drug to treat malaria, one of the world’s deadliest diseases, could come from sponges, sea worms and other undersea creatures, a scientist says.

A secret government team has been dispatched to collect the first segment of the drug, even though COBRA is already known to be in the area.

LONDON (UPI) — A British study says harbor sears are giving birth to their pups earlier every year as a result of changes in the marine ecosystem.

But mathematicians were quick to reassure the public that, if these trends should continue, eventually the births will wind up where they started and the problem will have corrected itself.

CHARLOTTE, N.C. (UPI) — The parents of a 3-month-old North Carolina child say they woke to find a hole in the ceiling of their apartment bedroom and a bullet in the baby’s crib.

The child has already been approached by recruiters from most major hip hop labels.

MAIDSTONE, England (UPI) — Workers at a British farm said cows exposed to a theater group performing renditions of a Shakespeare play increased milk production by 4 percent.

Unfortunately, a later performance of Tom Stoppard caused a stampede.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

LAS VEGAS (UPI) — More than 1,800 people donned white masks to celebrate the fourth anniversary of “Phantom — The Las Vegas Spectacular,” the show’s producers said

In protest, the National Alliance Of Chandelier Makers has moved next week’s conference to Reno.

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. (UPI) — An item said to be the only known surviving piece from the two original, full-size “Terminator” movie robots is for sale, a California auction house said.

The auction is expected to be well attended by both memorabilia collectors and killer future robots sent to preserve the timeline at all costs.

BROOKLYN, N.Y. (UPI) — A New York Web developer sheds his Clark Kent-type persona at night to become a Superman-type tinkerer on his own nuclear fusion reactor, observers say.

Just like Superman, each day the web developer goes out to the reactor, sets down all his tools and plans, and then takes a long, exciting walk.

UPI) — A Colorado Springs, Colo., man who beat his mother to death with a guitar is not guilty by reason of insanity, a judge has ruled.

The man thanked the judge for the rockin’ new band name, and then announced Not Guilty By Reason Of Insanity would be releasing their first album in December.

PARIS (UPI) — A strike next week by electricity workers at South Africa’s power utility threatens the World Cup finals, observers said.

Soccer experts have assured everyone that, even if there is no electricity, the vuvuzelas are acoustic and will be able to continue normally.

SMITHFIELD, Va. (UPI) — An unknown thief allegedly stole the season’s first tomato, intended for a charity auction this week, from a Virginia garden, church officials say.

The whole thing was called off.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) — Alexander McQueen’s family says the ashes of the late British fashion designer have been scattered on the Isle of Skye off Scotland’s west coast.

According to fashion experts, he’s what all the local swimmers are wearing this season.

ST. LOUIS (UPI) — This week marks the premier of a U.S. opera version of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” that some leaders in the field see becoming the next “Nutcracker.”

Since the opera was produced in an art form that sometimes features nuts, each ticket will carry an allergen warning.

CAMDEN, N.J. (UPI) — The U.S. maker of SpaghettiOs says it is voluntarily recalling three varieties of the pasta product, which may have been under-processed

When the mistake was noticed, no one knew exactly what to say.

WALLINGFORD, England (UPI) — British-led scientists say they have determined several global snake species have experienced a significant decline in populations.

The scientists calling it a hiss-tastrophe were asked to leave.

MORBIHAN, France (UPI) — Men who want to ask women on a date increase their odds if a love ballad is playing in the background, researchers in France found.

Odds decrease again if the love ballad is by Rush.

NEW YORK (UPI) — Moving apples out of a stainless steel tray into an attractive basket with good lighting results in kids eating more apples, U.S. researchers found.

On the heels of this research, the National Corn Syrup Lobby has asked Congress to issue a new tax on the sale of attractive baskets.

That’s right, England! You act all tough, but when the chips (or should we say, the fries) are down, you just can’t beat the United States. 1776? LOST. 1950? LOST. 2010? TIE.

Anyway, the nice people at legofussball.eu and The Guardian have put together a small Lego representation of how, once again, the United States handed England their butts. And, as an American blog, we feel it’s our duty to make sure you get to see it. Because what do we do better than any other nation? Gloating!

Pretty sweet, right? But don’t feel bad, England. That’s just what happens. Sometime you win, sometimes you lose for two hundred and thirty years. Just keep trying your best. After all, some Australian dude is taking over our media, so clearly, it’s possible. Hey, everybody likes your music and your actors. Maybe you could focus on those for a while?

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) — Syfy says it will air a marathon of episodes of “The Greatest American Hero,” which hasn’t been seen on U.S. television since its original run ended in 1983.

Viewers worldwide accepted this news with nods of toleration and shrugs of vague acceptance.

BERLIN (UPI) — China is quickly developing into the world’s biggest wind power market.

Investors are described as having stormy eyes, that flash at the sound of lies.

COVENTRY, England (UPI) — A British woman said she forgot about her visiting grandson left asleep after other family members escaped their burning house Monday.

The boy, who was rescued by firefighters, is expected to soon have the best Lego collection in history.

MINNEAPOLIS (UPI) — A man who drove the getaway van for a bank robber who wished the teller a “Merry Christmas” was convicted by a Minneapolis jury.

And the war against Christmas continues.

LYNNWOOD, Wash. (UPI) — A Washington state man accidentally discharged his gun at a Lowe’s Home Improvement store and shot himself in the testicles, police said.

NRA representatives say that if the man’s testicles had been armed at the time of the shooting, this event might never have happened.

LAS VEGAS (UPI) — The American Civil Liberties Union filed a lawsuit on behalf of a man who claims a Las Vegas hotel kidnapped him and his brother while he was dressed as Zorro.

Meanwhile, ACLU has received a letter from Don Diego de la Vega, assuring them that his sudden trip to Spain is going so well that he expects to stay a few weeks longer.

ANGEL FIRE, N.M. (UPI) — Believers in visits to Earth by alien spacecraft say they have hard evidence of landings in a pasture in a sparsely populated area in northern New Mexico.

UFO experts say that the aliens might have looked at the terrain, assumed they were in Arizona, and fled before they could be arrested.

This is coolioxjulio’s ecology project and she thinks it’s beautiful. We’re inclined to agree. These are some of the dopest rhymes we’ve ever heard on the subject of the food chain. Be warned: For weeks after you hear this song, your head will be prone to infestations of the “hunting and stalking, grazing and browsing” earworm:

We only wish there was some disclaimer to assure us no tubby house cats were harmed in the taping of this video.

This is coolioxjulio’s ecology project and she thinks it’s beautiful. We’re inclined to agree. These are some of the dopest rhymes we’ve ever heard on the subject of the food chain. Be warned: For weeks after you hear this song, your head will be prone to infestations of the “hunting and stalking, grazing and browsing” earworm:

We only wish there was some disclaimer to assure us no tubby house cats were harmed in the taping of this video.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. (UPI) — Researchers in New Jersey said their study indicates people find modest men less likable than women displaying the same trait.

Researchers in places other than New Jersey says this clears up a lot about the state’s nightclubs.

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. (UPI) — U.S. biologists say they have determined mutant corn has independent genetic pathways used to regulate and export sugars that might help increase yield.

However, though the biologists know that a number of corn pathways exist, they cannot yet say hominy.

CHESTNUT HILL, Mass. (UPI) — U.S. scientists say they’ve developed a “nanocoax” technology that can support a highly efficient thin-film solar cell that provides outstanding efficiency.

Unfortunately, after the first year, the solar cell spends all day drinking with friends and talking about forming another band, while the nanocoax’s friends urge it to kick out the solar cell and find someone who won’t take them for granted.

LONDON (UPI) — A British author said he has “translated” 16 Charles Dickens novels in “yoof speak,” the street language of today’s British youth.

Sources hint his next project might be an adaptation of classic film “Citizen Kane” aimed at people who only like full color action movies set in outer space.

TOKYO (UPI) — Japan’s new prime minister, Naoto Kan, named his Cabinet Tuesday in advance of next month’s elections to the upper house, where his party needs to do well.

His friends have defended this decision, saying that “Cabinet-san” is not an indication that Naoto is cracking under pressure.

WASHINGTON (UPI) — Pharmaceutical giant Johnson & Johnson failed to respond to a deadline for information on a “phantom” drug recall, a U.S. congressional spokeswoman says.

Congress urges anyone seeing “The Drug Who Walks” to immediately contact police.

WASHINGTON, Calif. (UPI) — If BP Chief Executive Officer Tony Hayward were his employee, President Obama says he’d fire him for statements Hayward made about the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.

The president then went on to speculate how, if Hayward were the president’s wacky butler, Obama might force him to take care of a chimpanzee in a little racing car, in order to teach him the meaning of love.

You’re subjected to enough scrutiny in the day. Your creditors want to know when the money’s coming, your spouse wants to know when you’ll be home from work, and your boss wants to know how you keep circumventing the increasingly-restrictive website blockers she has to keep installing. At least you’re finally free of scorn and judgment when you’re in the privacy of your own home, searching Google.

Except not any more, thanks to SeoLol!

SeoLol compiles search queries from real people, just like you (and probably including you), then filters out all the normal, run of the mill stuff. What’s left is a thick, fetid miasma of the bizarre (“Debit Card Porn”), slightly disconcerting (“How to Steal Copper Pipes”), and just plain sad (“Abraham Lincoln Gettysburg Address Youtube Video”) things people are searching for.

Swing by the site and check out just how dumb all those other people out there are. Then swing back and tell us your most embarrassing Google search query.

We’ll go first: “ken jennings xxx nude.”

The speed at which technology progresses and evolves is pretty intimidating. Consider that by the time I finish this sentence there will be a newer, better format in which to type it and 42 nerds will be screaming at me for being so outdated. And that’s just us; we get paid to (kind of) keep up on this sort of thing. For every snarky copywriter too afraid to admit he has no idea how the thing he’s making fun of actually works, there are two or three ladies like this:

We come here not to mock Lorraine: all she wants is for the Pac-Mansanity to stop so she can study. Instead, we give kudos to Brian, the most patient tech support rep in the entire world, for not berating or belittling her or wondering aloud how her online classes could possibly be progressing well when she can’t figure out how to close a tab.

That said, what’s your worst tech support experience? Were you on the Lorraine end or the Brian end? And did you handle it as well as they did?

You have to appreciate a songwriter who puts it all on the table from the get-go. Rather than force you to listen to most of a song before writing it off as insufferable wankery, these first lines warn the listener right away to brace for an onslaught of pompous pretension. And for that, lyricists with unjustifiably high self-regard, we thank you…

“Spengler, Nietzsche, Jung, Freud” – Little Annie, “Freddy and Me” (lyrics by the artist)
Why sweat over well-crafted, meaningful lyrics when you can just set a freshman Western Civ syllabus to music?

“I am the son, and the heir, of a shyness that is criminally vulgar” – The Smiths, “How Soon Is Now?” (lyrics by the artist)
He’s human and he needs to be loved. This clumsy whine just might indicate why Morrissey wasn’t having any luck in that department.

“Sometimes I imagine myself as a drifter, seeker of fortunes, connoisseur of great wines” – Bobby Goldsboro, “The Straight Life” (lyrics by Sonny Curtis)
About what you’d expect from a dork whose idea of livin’ large also includes “treating the ladies to corn on the cob” and “she comes to me softly with crackers and beer.” Curtis was actually a member of Buddy Holly’s Crickets, so I guess Holly tours must not have been exactly rock ‘n’ roll Babylon.

“It must have been cold there in my shadow” – Bette Midler, “Wind Beneath My Wings” (lyrics by Larry Henley & Jeff Silbar)
Yeah, you’re the wind beneath my wings and all that, but let’s just keep straight who the superstar is here, OK?

“The meadowlark and the chim-choo-ree and the sparrow set to the sky in a flying spree, for the sport over the pharaoh” – Joanna Newsom, “Emily” (lyrics by the artist)
If you think they’re insufferable on paper, you definitely don’t want to hear those lyrics in Newsom’s “distinctive” vocal yowl.

“And in the death, as the last few corpses lay rotting on the slimy thoroughfare” – David Bowie, “Future Legend” (lyrics by the artist)
Just more goodtime rock ‘n’ roll from sunshine Davey B!

“Hello, darkness, my old friend” – Simon & Garfunkel, “The Sounds of Silence” (lyrics by Paul Simon)
Hear my words, that I might annoy you. Maybe Paul was just goth before his time.

“Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends” – Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, “Karn Evil 9 – 1st Impression, Part 2″ (lyrics by the artist)
And the song that never ends, and the keyboard solo that never ends… hell, even the song title runs to ten syllables, each more wanky than the last.

“Culture was the seed of proliferation but it’s gotten melded into an inharmonic whole” – Bad Religion, “No Control” (lyrics by the artist)
As political punk goes, it’s a lot fancier than “racism sucks” or “Reagan lied”. On the other hand, what the hell is he talking about?

“Queen of Light took her bow, And then she turned to go” – Led Zeppelin, “The Battle of Evermore”
Mix Tolkien, dope, and delusions of grandeur, and here’s where you wind up. Kids, just say no.

Before you take umbrage because I dissed one of your faves, lemme tell you: I actually like several of these songs despite the pomposity of the lyrics quoted above. What about you: which first-line lyrics make you roll your eyes with their sheer pretension, even when the tune is decent?

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

JAKARTA (UPI) — An Indonesian filmmaker said he has begun filming “Little Obama the Movie,” a film based on a fictionalized version of the U.S. president’s childhood.

In this revised version, young Obama lives with his Aunt May and Uncle Ben until the day he gets special powers while observing Jeri Ryan’s divorce proceedings.

NASHVILLE (UPI) — The Nashville resting place of country star Minnie Pearl, historically open around the clock, will now close at night due to vandalism, groundskeepers say.

Sources say the vandals were taking the little tags off her hats.

DALY CITY, Calif., May 31 (UPI) — One party-goer died and 10 others were sickened, five critically, apparently after taking tainted drugs at a huge rave in Daly City, Calif., police said.

The tainted drugs reportedly made ravers sometimes feel they had to run away.

MIAMI (UPI) — A Southampton, N.Y., beach has been named No. 1 in an annual Top 10 Beaches ranking by a Florida researcher who calls himself “Dr. Beach,” observers say.

When asked to explain what this made his son, the researcher had no comment.

LOS ANGELES (UPI) — Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley will replace Megan Fox in “Transformers 3,” Access Hollywood reported.

Insiders predict that Huntington-Whiteley will allegedly be playing Galvatron and that non-Transformer fans will stare at this joke without understanding.

TORONTO (UPI) — Chris Haney, co-creator of the board game Trivial Pursuit, died in a Toronto hospital following a long illness, his business partners said. He was 59.

Police say Haney’s death leaves many unanswered questions.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW DELHI (UPI) — New Delhi police said thieves are pouring sleep-inducing gas into air conditioning units to knock out homeowners during burglaries.

Homeowners are also reporting that they wake up on in a lovely but mysterious island community where everyone wants “information”.

DANVERS, Mass. (UPI) — A cleaner working at a Massachusetts sausage company was sucked head first into a seasoning machine but appeared to be uninjured, police say.

A spokesperson for the plant said that, in all his years on the job, he never sausage an accident! And then a spokesperson for the rest of us punched him in the eye.

STANFORD, Calif. (UPI) — U.S. biologists say fish looking at themselves in a mirror become feisty but fearful, suggesting more brain activity than had been suspected.

Biologists are now thinking that this means fish are just as smart as Tyra Banks.

AMITYVILLE, N.Y. (UPI) — The New York state house that inspired “The Amityville Horror” is back on the market for an asking price of $1.15 million.

The haunted house is said to be very impressed that it has finally found a way to keep people away forever.

CAIRO (UPI) — Egypt, which takes the lion’s share of water from the Nile River, is refusing to give up a drop to upstream African states that signed a treaty for more equitable sharing, escalating a long-running dispute over the river.

In a tragically related story, the lion has been terribly thirsty ever since Egypt took its share of the water.

NEW YORK (UPI) — A New York man was fatally shot and five other people wounded at a middle-school reunion that drew hundreds after it was promoted on Facebook, police said.

The murderer will be put up against the wall and poked to death.

1) Kate went back in time and had sex with Jacob, then told him it didn’t mean anything and then ran off with the Smoke Monster and that’s how the whole thing began.

2) Alt-Universe hipsters are all blogging about “Embarrassing Driveshaft Private Party (1 of 10)” on YouTube this morning.

3) Desmond admitted that he’s really Irish, he just cultivated the accent to get girls.

4) On Jimmy Kimmel, Lindelof and Cuse told everyone that they stole the entire plot from George Clinton’s 1976 album “The Clones Of Dr. Funkenstein”.

5) The last scene is Mr. Roarke and Tattoo arriving to rebuild their luxury hotel and start welcoming guests.

6) The reason for all the weird inconsistencies is that the whole thing was masterminded by Mac from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia and he kinda made it up as he went along.

7) The first new show to have any sort of open-ended mystery is going to be swamped by desperate nerds who cling to it like a sloth to a vine.

Somewhere Jack Shephard and Captain John Sheridan are sharing a drink and complimenting each other on their conflict resolution skills.

9) Target’s about to have a really good week.

10) It was all just that kid from St. Elsewhere doing his philosophy homework.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

EDINBURGH, Scotland (UPI) — A Scottish college student said her invention, a clear plastic helmet with openings at the face and ears, is designed to help people talk in noisy bars.

The rest of the world has applauded this device, which proves that there are still a few Scottish people who AREN’T naturally cool.

LINCOLN, Neb. (UPI) — Police in Nebraska said they arrested a teenager who allegedly used an apple and a hollowed-out cucumber as marijuana smoking devices.

Lawyers say this could be the end of Tommy Chong’s new fruit stand.

TOKYO (UPI) — A Japanese company said it is celebrating rising interest in agriculture among the country’s women with a bra that grows rice.

And even now, the Internet waits in anticipation for harvesting season.

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (UPI) — A man in western Sweden who dumped a bag of “killer” slugs in a neighbor woman’s garden has been found guilty of “adult bullying,” authorities say.

In lieu of jail time, the court will allow the victim to slug the man back.

JUAREZ, Mexico (UPI) — Three headless men’s bodies may have been dressed in women’s lingerie as a form of humiliation, police in Juarez, Mexico, said.

Off the record, the police admitted that the only alternative, an impending invasion of transvestite vampires, was just too horrifying to contemplate.

CHICAGO (UPI) — Officials in a suburban Chicago community said a stretch of road will be officially named Obama Drive, with signs due to go up Aug. 21.

Local police are already planning what to do with the extra money they’ll get from writing tickets for all the people who’ll drive there specifically to litter.

Most days it seems like the universe is one unimaginably-huge Rube Goldberg contraption designed to crap specifically on you. You forget your keys as you leave for work only to turn around and realize the door locked automatically when you shut it. You go to the Starbuck’s on your way to work only to have them screw up your Mocha Coconut Double Frapalattechino (is it THAT hard?!). You sulk into work and sit down to check on your most recent order from some fly-by-night deal-a-day website to discover their servers crashed and your shipping info was lost. It’s enough to make you want to write an angry letter to someone, if only you could find the time and motivation.

Let Scott Pakin’s Automatic Complaint-Letter Generator do it for you.

Simply enter the name of the person (or company), some other minor details, specify a number of paragraphs (righteous indignation demands at least three), and voila! Your rage, pre-written and edited and ready for our forums wherever you want to post it.

Before you decide to get clever, we beat you to it:

What companies will you be sending a complaint letter to, now?

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

PASADENA, Calif. (UPI) — NASA says it appears flash flooding has paved streambeds in the Xanadu region of Saturn’s moon Titan, producing thousands of sparkling crystal balls of ice.

In a related story, the long search to find the new chief lyricist for the band Yes seems to be at an end.

PHOENIX (UPI) — A Liberian couple accused of child abuse have been released from a Phoenix jail because of difficulties in finding an interpreter, officials said.

Due to budget cuts, Phoenix can no longer afford public liberies.

JOHNSON CITY, Tenn. (UPI) — A mother was charged with child abuse for allegedly forcing her 5-year-old to smoke a cigarette and run until exhausted, Carter County, Tenn., officials said.

Industry officials say the mistake was genuine, as the woman was just following the instructions in the 1953 Guide To Better Health For American Children.

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia (UPI) — Lawyers for Malaysian opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim, accused of sodomy, cross-examined his accuser Monday as the trial resumed.

The court has ordered everyone who just giggled at the word “cross-examined” to grow up under penalty of law.

LOS ANGELES (UPI) — Canadian rockers Randy Bachman and Fred Turner say they are recording together again as Bachman & Turner after a 20-year hiatus.

The Dow Jones raced ever higher at the news that business would again be taken care of, every day, in every way.

SANTA FE, N.M. (UPI) — A New Mexico woman has admitted giving her toddler a sippy cup of beer in front of undercover drug agents.

She was charged with impersonating a Kennedy.

NEWPORT, England (UPI) — British police said a man dressed as Snoopy attempted to break a family member out of prison but went to the wrong facility.

A spokesperson for the man was quoted as saying “Waa waa, waa waa waa waaa, waa waa waa.”

Whoa! Merryweather! We know you spent the weekend in Vegas but… Good Lord! Anyway, just like Monte and Mortimer handle the videos and Magnus does some blogging, the leopard-loving Merryweather has been assigned to travel with the Marketing department. And after the jump, you’ll get to see how she spent her weekend. Just don’t show this one to the kids. As you can tell by the cape, she’s pretty wild.

Merryweather’s not one of those shy and quiet types. When she sees something she wants, she goes for it!

Snacks, drinks, the very best deals for our customers, that’s the sort of go-getter attitude which we approve of here at Woot. But in Vegas, well… sometimes that sort of attitude doesn’t pay off.

It’s an old story, right? Head to the National Hardware Convention, run into some dummy, make plans to meet up later in the hotel bar…

…and then suddenly, you’re drinking mojitos as tall as you are and asking if anybody knows the words to “The Banana Boat Song”. Naturally, before you know it…

Exactly. And you don’t find out about what happened until you log into Facebook the next day.

We’ve all been there. But you know what? To be honest, we don’t really care what Merryweather does in her off the clock time. It’s none of our business. So long as she can still make those early morning meetings with her clients.

He seemed cold at first, but Merryweather got him talking. C’mon, what Texan doesn’t know how to talk about chili?

Like all good marketers, Merryweather understands that common ground can open doors. There are deals to be found anywhere, even on the fly. So she knows to make friends whenever possible. Take, for example, these gnomes.

Normal people might just nod and pass them by, but Merryweather, she actually tries to become one of the group, and really gets into their heads. What makes a gnome tick, she thinks, and how can I make it work for us?

And there we are. Now, suddenly, Merryweather and the gnomes have common ground. They can talk about first hand experiences with soil, and harsh sun, and how it feels to be overlooked even when you’re right in the center of everything. Let us tell you, when she got done with them, those gnomes were very impressed, and very ready to make a deal. It might be premature, but we’re expecting to get first crack at their next batch of well-crafted gnome machines, right after they finish with… oh, what? You say we’re confused? Those machines are really made by dwarves? Well, then what the heck do gnomes do? Berries? Trees? Ah, well. Maybe we’ll get a bluebird or something that can go in a Bag of Crap.

On the flight home, Merryweather began suffering the effects of her hard work and sleep deprivation, leading her to hallucinate and yell about the invisible snakes in her seat. If you’ve been fortunate enough to hear our monkeys yelling, you know that it can get pretty loud and embarrassing.

But instead of doing the logical thing and turning us into the TSA to be shot at dawn, the nice people at Southwest decided to distract Merryweather with a free drink. Thanks to Lana and Shelly for helping us out on this. Really, she’s so sorry she freaked out. It was just a long weekend, you know? Let’s do the Lindsay Lohan thing and call it “exhaustion”. Certainly, nothing some coffee wouldn’t fix.

Special thanks to Amy Harich for keeping tabs on Marketing Monkey Merryweather for us. We’re sure she’ll be better soon.