Thanksgiving Guidelines

Thanksgiving is a time of reunion, merriment, and gluttony. It can also be a time of traffic snarls, flight delays, and relatives you make a point to avoid the entire rest of the year. With those latter facts in mind, I thought it'd be helpful to lay down some easy-to-use guidelines to help get you through the holidays unscathed.

Travelling
If you've had any sort of success with your life, you should now live far, far away from your immediate family and have to travel to see them. Unfortunately, there are a lot of other people traveling at this time of year as well, and this time of year tends to suck in terms of travel weather. Odds are good that you could be snowed in, delayed by late flights, or stuck on the side of the road in a ditch cursing your 2-wheel-drive rental.

Plan ahead; arrive for Thanksgiving dinner no less than two weeks beforehand to give yourself enough time.

Family
Well it's always nice to see Mom and Dad, or at least to visit Dad's studio apartment and leave early to go meet Mom and her new beau. But what about all those other kooky aunts, uncles, cousins, and creepy neighbors you haven't seen in the last year? It's only a matter of time until Uncle Stan brings up the Socialist apocalypse Obama is bringing upon us all, and that'll only rile up Aunt Nina until she's screaming about the irreparable damage done by the previous administration. Soon enough everyone is looking at you for the tie-breaker.

Don't get involved in political discussion. Don't even mention that you are registered to vote. If you sense this type of conversation heating up, find the nearest TV and watch whoever's playing football beat the crap out of the Detroit Lions. You don't even have to like football; just stare intently at the screen and, should anyone try to speak to you, yawn loudly and rub your belly contentedly.

Food
They don't call it Turkey Day for nothing, right? The first thing to know is that this is one of those holidays where anyone who can cook, even at a marginal level, will be turning out some sort of "specialty" that they only make once a year because it's either: a) incredibly hard and labor-intensive to make, or b) so high in fat it can only be consumed once annually.

Save some room. Start fasting approximately a week ahead of time so you can maximize your enjoyment. Try not to waste any room on water, either.

Surprises
The holidays are a great and not-at-all hackneyed time to make huge announcements like, "I'm pregnant," "We're getting married," or "There is no antidote!" But timing is everything. Too soon and you'll have to sit through every single person in attendance pulling you aside to congratulate, encourage, and/or advise you based on the news you've just given. Too late and everyone will be catatonic from the deluge of turkey and pumpkin pie forcibly shoved down their throats.

All major announcements, apologies, wedding proposals, and the like should be casually shouted to the front door as you get in your car. The specifics can be covered in an email later.

Hosting
You may have acquired a decent place on your own and a knack for culinary excellence, so you may decide to host your own Thanksgiving and invite family to you. This can be a hectic but rewarding chance to show off your cooking, let people you don't see very often admire your house, and fill your dining room with the warmth and joy usually only reserved for a family-sized TV dinner.

You should never, ever, ever host a family function. Do you have any idea how crazy these things get? Are you nuts?!